My Red Bean Romance

Proof That Procrastination Is Not Always Bad

2011-06-26T18:25:00.002+08:00

So I suppose most of you guys have already known (or about to know) that I'm a g-damned procrastinator. The only person (I acknowledge) worst than me is probably my roommate during our college days, because at least my assignments would have been finished 6 hours before 8 am of the due date, whereas she would have just started drafting her assignment points and I would help her type it out of panic that she won't be able to make it with that kind of speed that she is going. However, it always ends up that she would get the highest marks in class despite the behind the scenes chaos, stress and tears. She's a totally different person now that she is in the working world because it demands the impossible from you with much dire consequences if unfulfilled.

Anyway, I have a serious confession to make. Right until today, I haven't managed to book my return ticket from London-Kuala Lumpur. My relatives have been nagging me since January to have everything booked so that I would not end up with no flights or accommodation during the summer break since it's a peak season. I gave in 90% to their nagging and booked almost everything just to have them off my back, but I have this extremely rebellious streak that made me just dilly dally with my return flight. I had this mentality that I would always do it 'tomorrow'. And that was since March.

So yesterday night, I started to have a fear of no flights or the price going even higher and I made a resolution to myself that I would get it done the next day, no excuses. I was rather worrisome about the fact that the price might have gone up but I'd still have to buy the tickets nonetheless... (ego issues)

All this while, I kept lying that I had everything settled, so that everyone would stop questioning me. :P However, it is pointless that I tell them because no one actually makes the effort to remember that they have asked me, and I would be thrown the same question again the next time we talk about it despite the many times I have told them. Same goes for the exact dates that we're going.

So prior to that these were the prices when I checked between the period of February to May. (Yes, I often clicked on the MAS site to check whether the flight is still there or whether the price has gone up but I couldn't make the extra effort to book the bloody tickets then!)

I got rejected when I tried to pay the above price with my credit card because that was over the limit so I had to wait a little till my credit recuperated. And this is the price when I checked today...

My G. It's like HALF the price. And for 30 seconds I thought I might have purchased the wrong flight or there was some internal error or a scam (being the cynic I am)...

30 seconds later, I just made the purchase because I was in fear that the price will shoot up like how it does in Air Asia and other budget airlines even if you're slower by a split second and you will have to bear with the agony that the price went up RM20-50-100 (it is money also, okay!).

So at the end of the day, I have all the tickets and stuff booked and I can live peacefully without being haunted by the fact of outstanding to-dos. The best part is the 50% cheaper I had to pay. Yay for procrastination (this round)!

Mid Year Update (Yes I Noticed!)

2011-06-24T21:43:00.008+08:00

Hi long time no see,

Now the reason that you finally get to see me typing a blog post is because this is what happened...

I don't know how 'shortly' it means but when that happened I just lost 60% of my life's purpose on the internet (incl. Restaurant City, Pet Society, It Girl, Millionaire City and random stalking on other people's FB activities, spamming photos uploaded from my BB etc.)

After the long absence from blogging, I am somewhat inspired to make a comeback with some random updates and musings. I am actually surprised people still drop by once in a while (so bored meh?!) but (touchingly) knowing that, I shall make the effort to humour you guys with whatever's left of my writing skills.

I haven't been blogging for ages because at one point I was looking for a web hosting for photoblogs, the kind I can mass upload photos and leave remarks and descriptions at a click (like FB) rather than rearranging and separately uploading them onto blogger. Too tedious. Plus this was fueled by the fact that I only have a tiny readers base (not even 5% of my FB friends know of the existence of my blog!). I prefer to keep it personal to the existing people who have been following me since the beginning. That being said, in contradiction, I actually enjoy the responses and attention I get from posting updates on FB... Also, it's probably because I have grown older and exhausted much of the angst generated by my youth, so I don't have much incentive to vent it out through blogging as I used to.

Blogging takes so much time off my hands. 7 minutes have since passed after typing these few paragraphs! But enough of the excuses!~

What has been up during the first quarter of the year. A couple of trips around, mainly beach trips to Pangkor and Sipadan, been to HK twice, to KL a gabazillion of times, Penang and Melaka once each. Right now I just refuse to go anywhere further than 20 kilometers from my house (20 km is where I go to work now) for the reason of fatigue of traveling. All the rush, stress, punctuality to board planes, worry that I packed everything and the fear of getting pick pocketed has weakened my nerves and I need time to recuperate.

So, here's a short topic that has been boggling my mind for the past few days. It's about 'Loving Unconditionally'.

I, for one, believe in unconditional love... with the fine print at the bottom. The type you don't quite notice it is there or don't bother to read until one day you commit something against the tiny terms and conditions, which brings you unbearable consequences.

I suppose it's common (especially within Asian families), because although throughout your whole life, your parents give birth to you and throw in their entire/partial life savings into grooming you to become the ideal superior human being (although Idk wtf is that) and when you fail to achieve that level, all their actions of love somewhat transform into 'hostility'. This includes constant comparing/humiliation/insulting, beating down your self esteem, beating you with a stick/slipper/clothes hanger/frying pan/broom, guilt trips, eviction from comfort (food/shelter), denial of privileges. Just to name a few.

I've been told by my cousin, CML, that one lady actually paid for her daughter to have plastic surgery and bought her a sports car (?!!!) so that she can attract a good marriage. (Lucky her?) So summarily, her mom and future bf, can only love her if she fulfills those certain requirements.

I bet somewhere along any of your relationships, you would ask you significant other, "What do you love about me?" or "Why did you choose to be with me (among all other people?)"

I would ask that because, all my life I've assumed that I was 'still kept around' and given privileges because I was indispensable to the family. I mean look, if I wasn't around, everybody will be having a hard time (admits everyone). And most of the time, I actually question the intentions of people who wanted to be friends with me. (Mebbe coz I'm nice.)

So far, everyone who has claimed that they were my dad's best friends, have conned the F* out of me. Therefore, everyone who I come across, I hereby see them as guilty until proven innocent.

So here was my bf's answer. He said, there was no reason for loving me, he just did. If he has a reason, it wouldn't be called love at all. Yeah, I totally see his point. Or maybe, he probably was just too lazy/sleepy to think out a proper reason or that question just took him by surprise, he couldn't think out an answer on the spot so he just came up with a diverting answer that sounded good. In a way, I could just settle for the answer and be happy, or I should feel slightly insulted because it implied that there is nothing especially attractive/interesting that he noticed about me in order to be with me. Idk. :S

That being said, I had my reasons to be with him now (despite perceiving him as a /insert derogatory remark here/ when we first met). For example, a lot of people think he's good husband/father material, extremely responsible and hardworking. The bonus is that he has a few outstanding achievements as well. Don't really want to sound too showy because he's humble about his own status (which is something I also admire). But yeah, those are the few reasons I convince myself to stay with him even though he pisses me off every once in a while. I mean like, let's be honest, how much better can this get? (Plus it's not like I'm getting any younger...) Other than looking at the exterior qualifications, I give him a lot of credit for being someone I can depend on and talk to about on a personal level.

So... personally, I don't really think it is possible to love someone completely free of conditions. The most that we could do it tell them that we don't like their behavior and if the relationship is important to them as well, they would do something about it in order to coexist with us.

Peace out.

Happy 2011

2011-01-12T02:25:00.001+08:00

December is always the busiest month of the year. I thought I was going to drown in the amount of things lined up. At first, I thought I would be able to have a break doing absolutely nothing at all from the 27th up to New Year's Day. Unfortunately, my 27th morning started with me cursing mercilessly whosoever the SOB who announced I back from overseas when I received my on the job phone call early 27th morning.

Mebbe the older I get, the less I need to blog out my life! Hopefully, it's because I haven't started to warm up with inspiration yet. Hopefully, it's just because I'm insanely busy.

As tradition, this is 2011's resolution:-

1. Graduate with good grades. And I can move on with the next stage of life and there will be one major thing off my shoulders.

2. Be able to handle everything more wisely and efficiently. Kill as many giants as I can. Be bigger bitch.

3. Have a fixed source income. Achieved!~ Save and reinvest and watch my money grow to epic proportions (my standard of 'epic' for this is actually really low!). 50% discount on properties less than RM350k (as compared to last 2 years RM250k) What do you know, my procrastination has achieved something decent again...

4. Be healthy and youthful to enjoy the fruits of my labour.

5. Taking cosplay to an international level.

6. Loose more fat and flab. In metrics, wants to loose another 7 kilos.

7. Have more fun outings with friends. Wants to go to Japan with CML after our graduation.

8. Be more open minded & hearted and learn not to take offense from whoever. Shoot them back if it's too fun to pass up.

I give up trying to be punctual. Mebbe if I give up trying, I might actually improve...

I actually achieved almost everything (or in partial) in 2010's resolution list except the aforementioned...

Hmm, this is probably a good time to mention this. That there's a guy I know who is really attentive to a lot of things I do or say, which is sweet. Decent credentials, stable job. He does have some minor attributes that I dislike (like being too quiet and then saying that I'm the one who is quiet and not answering my questions properly). Nothing's confirmed anytime soon because it's really still too early to tell (mebbe because we're both really slow people). Recently, I've just been thinking I would be a total idiot if I passed him up. But I'm not really sure, to be honest.

Talk to you guys soon!

About Being Judgemental

2010-11-17T01:51:00.004+08:00

They say, don't judge a man unless you have spent a month walking in his shoes.

I think I get reasonably agitated when people just spout condemnation about things they don't have at least 60% of understanding. I'd admit sometimes, I get too fixated on criticisms and harsh comments. Not only it's a insulting blow to my ego, but I get frustrated because it can actually come from people whom I care about or whose approval I'd like to get. As CML would say, they criticize, but at the end of the day, they actually care about your well being and they would offer you help when in need. I buy that.

My way of trying to deal with this issue is not to go against it head on, but (for extremely BS criticisms I receive), I have determined to just let them flow down the drain into the sewer (where it should rightfully belong).

For ages, I've been thinking that I would avoid people who have nothing but toxicity in their tongues before they ruin me mentally. Mebbe most families are such; they don't sing praises about your achievements (unless it brings them glory too), but harp on your shortcomings and failures.

I'm fed up with people commenting about how my hobbies or interests embarrass them. Just to save trouble, I normally keep most of my personal things under wraps. I totally understand how hard it is for people to accept things out of the ordinary (maybe especially for the residents of a less mentally evolved city(?) like Ipoh, despite given city status, yeah). Just realized, no it doesn't work that way, people just like to dig up shit about your life and throw it back at you.

I am bent on sticking back to my personal standards no matter what these people throw at me. I fully aware that it is an assault to my self esteem and an attempt to force their ideals onto someone else. Please. How great is YOUR life anyway after following that same set of ideals for all your life? Like I have mentioned earlier, only unhappy people who have issues with their own lives and feel threatened by the genuine happiness of others have the tendency to criticize others. It's because they are talking with their emotions more than with their brain.

Honestly, sometimes when I see a cosplayer who isn't very convincing (or visually unappealing, there I said it), I am strongly tempted to criticize. What made me cease being highly critical of them was the fact that I realize that they are doing something out of enjoyment and to derive happiness from and I have no right to crush them down because of my own standards of aesthetics. Imagine you yourself being criticized. Only then you would realize it's an unnecessarily hurtful and mean thing.

I don't think one must be PERFECT to be happy.

Unhappiness is part of life and it's up to ourselves to seek out what actually fulfills us. That's the meaning of being human. Happiness isn't the absence of sadness, but more to how we deal with that sadness in order to feel happy again.

Plus adults are not perfect (although they think they are). Even if they're close to perfection, they should realize, it's their mistakes in life that played a vital part in them becoming successful.

---

On a side note, I recently heard a friend mentioning about me to someone else (who related back to me) that I like to sleep really late (which is true) and then slap on a lot of make up on my face to cover my tiredness... I'm picking up some HH (*ham hoi / sabotaging) vibes here because as far as I know, I only make up for formal/friendly dinners and cosplays (because my actual dedication to make up is right until that level only). Sounds like she's trying to imply that I rely heavily on make up to look presentable to others. I get told I look really run down at the moment but I can't help it, there're more important issues at hand and masking my face every night will have to wait!

I was also told something along the lines of I'm not Alodia Gosiengfiao, so don't expect to be given as much attention as her as a cosplayer, less out of costume. It was a bit slicing because it was totally uncalled for and was unrelated to what I was actually saying. I was just saying that I was receiving so much photo requests the day before, it felt odd to not be receiving any the next day (because the experience was so intense and I am surreal to the fact not being asked as I was out of costume). I am totally an Alodia fan and it's an obvious fact that her FB page has stopped allowing adds a long time ago. I was just merely relating my personal experience, but was told not to go over my head (because I'm not that popular/hot/talented). Sometimes I wonder why people like to jump at every opportunity to tell you that you're not good enough. Sigh.

I don't expect girls like to hear this sort of thing no matter how big hearted you are (or how true it is).

Rant ends. I just wanted to get this off my chest and move on with life.

---

Domokun!~ I had his expression everyday when I was working in the firm. Totally random.

Weekend In KL

2010-11-06T03:29:00.001+08:00

Grawr I've said it a million times and I'm going to say it again!~ If I didn't leave The One Academy, I would have graduated this weekend as well!!!~ *so angry*

Itinerary is shopping, after graduation party, graduation dinner, convocation and meeting up with friends! (No particular order)

I think I'm on the verge of loosing a friend again. Sigh. As in we had a fall out. My unintentional fault at the beginning which I apologized to, but to be replied with profanities and then straight into ignoring your existence and dominating the conversation with everyone else and finally severing ties by demanding to get back everything I ever borrowed.

Nice.

I have a whole bunch of things to say too. Like that kind of attitude was absolutely uncalled for, considering coming from a highly educated background, being a respected working professional and so-called honourable family. Disappointing. That is all.

Maybe I've toughened up to a lot of bad attitude and I just learn to deal appropriately. I think I have a decent amount of friends I can actually depend on so it's just a waste of resources to dwell on just one when it's their own attitude inconsistencies.

This is supposed to be a happy post actually.

Just to say I've been going to sleep laughing for the past few days... (No, please don't think I've gone nuts!) Just that, I go to sleep happier than I've felt for the past 2 years. So it's a good thing. :D

SNSD - Hoot: Very Austin Powers Style

2010-10-28T17:47:00.004+08:00

And guess who's guest starring in it? XD Ngek ngek ngek...

Angry Face

2010-10-25T09:52:00.000+08:00

I HATE PAYING BILLS.

MONEY PLEASE FLOW IN INSTEAD OF OUT ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I am in a situation when I just pumped in xxxx into the bank, just to pump it out again to Inland Revenue. FML.

Tastes Often Change!~

2010-10-20T02:56:00.035+08:00

Your dating personality profile:

Wealthy/Ambitious - You know what your goals are and you pursue them vigourously. Achieving success is important to you.
Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.
Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Wealthy/Ambitious
2. Athletic
3. Stylish
4. Adventurous
5. Intellectual
6. Outgoing
7. Traditional
8. Practical
9. Conservative
10. Religious

Your date match profile:

Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Athletic
2. Practical
3. Conservative
4. Traditional
5. Adventurous
6. Religious
7. Outgoing
8. Funny
9. Stylish
10. Big-Hearted

Take the Dating Profile Quiz at Would I Date You

My comments:-

Wealthy/Ambitious - Yes, I am undeniably very goal-driven and kiasu. I must have what I want, or I'll suffer from insomnia until the day I get it. As for being wealthy, that's my long term goal and I'm working towards it.

Athletic - Doesn't sound exactly like me at all, eh? I'm a demi-sloth. Anyone sloth-ier than I am is my cat. I think I like to be on the go, run around to get things done, rather than be interpreted as being athletic (running on a treadmill and doing yoga). I certainly don't like to be contained in an office for 2/3rds of the day.

Stylish - I hit. And I miss. I still have a long way to go.

On the other hand, I really want to get my blog business going again! I actually abandoned it for like... I don't know. Ages. I've actually been making some off site sales off and on so far. It's just that I haven't got time to snap photos of the newer earrings and update/maintain my site. *Sigh* I even bought some rare stones when I was in Australia that are really beautiful and I'm enthusiastic about beading them up. I was just really happy to see the amount of support I'm getting from various people on the FB Page. (consisting of people I hardly know, my church pastor and of course, my friends who are well aware of my passion!) I just know I have so much to offer...

Personal business aside, I've been really busy with college, dad/granpa/great granpa/greatx2 granpa's estate (because I'm the surviving executor), our company and it's sister company plus just general family affairs (like helping to cook once in a while or just keeping my mum company) while being able to earn for myself here and then. Everything is just back to back and just today, I got a bit upset that work has finally overlapped with college, and obviously, I had to put college aside. Hmm...

I'm sure everyone's well aware how important college is to me, I'm seriously determined to graduate with a qualification no matter what this time around. So far I've been making the grades (Yay!), thanks to my lecturers' understanding and support. At the back of my mind I'm slightly sad that I kinda wished that I would be able to be committed to college and the design field rather than to be consciously sucked into the kind of things I just don't have the heart to do. Recently, I've softened up to the idea and I'm being more receptive. I think it has to do with the fact that the people who tend to plunge everything down your throat not being there any more so I'm becoming less defensive and paranoid.

Oh anyways, I know that sometimes it may seem like I just grab someone to rant and drag you into my spiral of negativity, but thanks for listening because it really does make my day when someone just lends a sympathetic ear and not judge me for whatever. Sorry bout the depressing influence, it was unintentional. I hope that you receive the joy in return by knowing that you were able to help someone else in need unload a burden. I know it can be frustrating talking to a person who is unwilling to help themselves even after they take all your time and sympathy. For me, I just sulk it over and move on (and probably come back with more).

Men of ALL Ages

2010-10-12T03:52:00.003+08:00

2007 was a year I hung out with guys of mostly my similar age group. To cut a long story short, at the end of the day, I find that most of guys my age were usually a little juvenile and childish in actions. (The power of youth!) It was cute in the beginning but can be slightly tiresome after a bit. I suppose being in you're mid-20s is something very delicate (and scary!) hence a lot of them are just all over the place and not quite sure what it is in life that they want.

Fast forward to 2010, my fate has mysteriously changed to encountering a rather refreshing amount of 30 year old + males (something which would have freak the sh*t out of me if I were any younger!). While some are quite a pleasure to talk to (hey you, don't smile!), there were a few in particular that made me raise an eyebrow this week.

In one case, was a guy whom, I was truly aware that in terms of age, he would expectedly garnered an upper hand with a decades worth of life experience more than I. But to rub it in one's face in every conversation topic does not earn you any impression any higher than average. Being elder doesn't mean you have to take everything so seriously and stoically, everyone just has a different level on life based on their own progressional personal experience. Just because they haven't reached the level you have achieved doesn't make them absolutely wrong or incompetent.

I eventually became quite annoyed with the domineering conversation which felt to me as if I was being pointed out that my opinions or actions had flaws, or were just not superior enough to standard. Let say my opinion WAS wayward, you were obnoxious nonetheless. Normally nowadays, I believe that the best action without wasting anymore precious resources is just to walk away and avoid talking to these people in future. Talking with this certain gentleman just contributed to uptightness to my arteries. I wasn't really keen on trying desperately to prove my point (if I had any) to someone who was a mere acquaintance. End of story.

We move on to 40-60 year olds. 2 weeks ago, I met up with an ex-teacher whom my bff called a lecherous/chikopek child molester (and I agreed). Luckily, he had no recollection of who I was, and I didn't want to introduce myself after having his leery eyes visually molesting me. Don't know why, but men tend to become creeps when they turn mid-age. Probably has something to do about their wives growing less attractive, turning their attention entirely to the kids and hen pecking them, that these poor unsatisfied men prey on helpless little girls to gain their masculinity again. I feel sorry for the ignorant wives who sleep next to these scums every night and young girls who actually get exploited and no one would believe them.

Men indeed have 2 faces. By day, they can be one respectable individual that no one can believe they are actually monsters in disguise, and by night they just do strange things that we only hear from gossip magazines. You won't really understand the truth of this unless you actually know the kids/family of the man that did something unpleasant to you/someone else you know and they think the world of him while you suffer in silence. What a monster, hiding behind his family's happiness as defense, knowing you won't dare to break it. Girls are just gullible and naive by nature. (Whee like meeeee!~)

Rather surprisingly, I actually enjoy the company of the guys of the significantly younger age group. *cough* Taylor Lautner *cough* That's besides the point but yeah, we talk, crap, laugh, burp and have a pure platonic friendship without pressure wtf. AS FRIENDS OK. Not every topic has to end up about potential relationships.

My Growth Rate Is Certainly Impeded

2010-10-11T06:01:00.000+08:00

Today I felt a bit susceptible that I didn't possess much of maturity in terms of looks and sociability of someone of my age. By MY standards, of course.

It's because, I actually a lot of 18 year olds are more adult-like than me! They have done things that I've never heard of until I was in my twenties and achieved much more while I'm still running around the place with my short/jerseys/slippers/knapsacks and mistakenly assumed to be part of the group of my younger sister's friends (despite being older by nearly half a decade). :)

I'm actually in awe (and a little intimidated) that girls nowadays are starting young clubbing their guts out, buying luxury items that logically can only be afforded by the affluent, dress up/make up 5 years older than they are, having sex earlier (with a number of different guys sometimes) and tried almost every contraceptive available in the market that by they're 21, they look like they've already turned 37. Those are the 'adult things' that come in mind, generally.

On the other hand, the things that I'm actually quite respectful towards some of my younger counterparts is that some of them are professionally involved in things such as starting their own businesses, modeling and endorsing products, having a proper/improper income source to afford all sorts of enviable things, travelled three quarters of the earth, have had one or two plastic surgeries or owning their own place.

In that respect, I feel undeserving if someone calls me Jie Jie. Sorry, I don't meet that standard yet, but I'm on the way. :P I was thinking if you we're to be behaving like a 25 year old when you are 16, then what is left when you actually turn 25?

Just To Be Clear

2010-09-25T05:42:00.000+08:00

I think my last, last post kinda garnered a wrong impression about me being anti-marriage or anti-men or anti babies or anti-weddings. That's way off course. I'll admit that I ridiculed and exaggerated some content just for humour sake, considering how morbid this kind of subjects I write about. Some things I said was just to illustrate a fact (maybe a little bit dramatically). I got really uncomfortable that instead of backing up my points, people are even more convinced that I'm all the things I listed above.

I honestly respect and hold in high regard the aspect of a marital union. I enjoy going to weddings and I comprehend that it is one of the most important events in a person's life. I get upset and confused when people break up because I know how horrible a heart break can be and it's not something I would wish on anyone. But if this still doesn't really convince you, then you are free to believe what you want to believe, and I shall just continue to live my life as how it normally is to me at my own pace.

What I really find annoying to the point of frustration are people who are not aware their own boundaries. Caring for a friend's happiness is one thing, but do it subtly. Gently nudge them tor encourage them in a kinder way Not shove it down their throats and when they retort, you blame them being defensive. (OMG where did you get the perception that everything YOU say and think is right).

From another perspective, how would a person who is in a relationship feel if someone just came up to her trying to convince her that her choice of life is going to lead her to disaster with the following statements?

1. Are you still with XYZ? You haven't broke up yet? Aren't you bored already? Time to change!

2. So, seems that relationship/marriage/family life has taken all your freedom.

3. You don't even have as much time for yourself. You don't have a opinions, much less a personality.

4. You're boyfriend's an ass. You should break up with him.

5. You're tied down.

6. Boring. No more market value.

7. You deserve better than that scumbag.

8. You're probably right, better him than nothing, you poor thing. Not much of a choice, do we?

My point is, the way you tell us things like that we 're commitment-phobic, selfish, picky, slutty, we're going to grow old and die alone and miserable in a house full of cats are HURTFUL. It hurts as much as we tell you your choice in a life partner sucks and will drag you to hell with him if you don't dump him soon. Even though both facts may be true.

Plus, if that's the worst that could happen by being single, it doesn't really sound all that bad actually comparing to being having your house bombed, or family killed and raped in front of you, or being tortured to death by mutilating your xyz or buried alive.

Even if you're married you can still die alone. 1. if your spouse dies earlier than you/divorces you/happens to be on a business trip far away; 2. and if your children all move away (could be because you nag them too much about marrying); 3. the nurse in the old folk's home has 20 other old people to look after; 4. you slipped and fell off a cliff (like Yoshito Usui, author of Shin Chan) and your body is only found 9 days later half rotten. Plus if you happen to be a cat lover, that won't make the end of you life any better than the single people you've been cursing all your life. (This is a common statement; so it's not like targetted specifically at anyone. I'm kinda directing this to myself too because I have that kinda visualization too!)

I have the kind of reservations that normal people would (or should) have ie. that your future spouse is a bad egg who cheats, gambles, squanders money etc. Other than my own experiences, I also observe other people's relationships and to me, a person who is highly sensitive and rather naive, I don't have that kind of emotional endurance to multiple date and multiple break up and still be cool about it. It's like how a coach doesn't put a low stamina player in the game for far too long but if he puts him in at the right time, he may score a good goal.

I'm sure a lot of you do realize that having real friend's are like having gold, but they are not easy to find. The kind that sticks through you through thick and thin and not try to hamhoi you everytime they can? If it's so hard to find a good friend, it's about the same level of challenge, or higher to find a good husband. Because it's not just about 'feel', you need to be smart in all other aspects such as compatibility, development as a team, good financial standing, good parenting and integrity as a human being. I mean, you can fall in love with a jerk (we all usually do). And that won't work. At All.

Disclaimer: You guys know how kiasu I am. My family wanted me to do Law so bad but I purposely went and do Art. It just says about my personality, the more you force me into a belief, the more I'll fight back just to let you know you can't simply throw your weight around and expect people to submit to you easily. In normal conditions, I probably wouldn't have hated Law (or marriage :P). Would certainly enjoyed it, but at my own terms and pace.

As for the answer to the big Q. I don't know but I'm certainly open to it. But if it doesn't happen, it's probably better to be single than to be married to the wrong guy, just look on the bright side of life and find other beneficial things to do in life lor. Marriage certainly need not be an achievement nor is it something to prove one's self worth. Either way, even if it is, it's something deserving congratulations and well wishes ultimately.

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2010-09-23T07:20:00.003+08:00

Happy Mid-Autumn!~ I hope everyone is well and in good health. Don't eat too much mooncakes because there's high sugar content in it.

Gees my lips are tearing apart because of dryness and I peel them out of frustration.

Today, I just blurted out that I wanted to eject myself out of my life. You know like the eject button they have in the plane and you press it when your plane is about to crash. I was really amused with someone's cute effort to help me 'eject' today. You have no idea how much I wanted to take on that offer, it became the highlight of the day Unfortunately as usual, I had to decline because I am guilt driven to live up to a lot of expectations. I think mum will just melt without me right now but because she's my mum, it's just the right thing to look after her and give support.

I'll just complain and complain here only. It hasn't been coming out my lips that I'm upset over a lot of things. I'm just quiet about the whole issue and it bothers me in little doses. When I look back the past one month (or 2 years in grand total), I can say at this moment, I am impervious to any more incoming pain.

I'm much like a walking zombie who can't really mentally or emotionally absorb what's going on. On top of my own personal unresolved issues, an addition of stuff like these just makes me totally BLUR. As in, I feel that it angers/saddens/bores me but it's stuck in my throat and will not come out. I dislike this storm of responsibility that is dragging me back to the starting point. I just don't want to be in this position that I've been trying to escape my entire life. It took me 97% of my life to convince myself that I had a right of choice of how I want to live. Not constantly being told of what to do. It's like living with a manual constantly in your hand.

Honestly, I wished that everyone just go fk themselves with their own problems, not involve other people just because they need some verification or attention. I don't care lor, whatever la, just fk off. I don't like it when people are like, "This hasn't been done" and looks at you. If it's not done, then just go do it lor. You can't be expecting me to do everything but when I do it my way, you 'beh song' and force me to do it your way. Then do it yourself in the first place and not waste everyone's time and energy la.

Some moments it even occurs to me to just beg them to leave me alone. You are all full grown adults, can you please be more independent and stop relying on me for every damn thing. Keep saying that its for my own good but in pretext, it's for your own benefit entirely lor.

Isn't the meaning of life to be happy? Isn't being happy living a life of meaning? Everyone has their own individual meaning and it deserves respect and regard. I never inconvenienced or burdened other people with my decisions or at least I try very hard not to. Probably because of this trait, I expect people not to cross the boundaries and shove their stuff into my face.

On the other hand, I've been hearing extremely depressing news about laws in a lot of countries (even in M'sia) allowing divorced spouses, men and women alike, to claim alimony or spousal support from the more affluent spouse. Now, as a general rule, I look down on men who leech of their wives/gfs for money. I respect if both have equal if not the man having higher earning capabilities. And the thought right after divorcing the bastard, you still have to give him benefits. In my personal context, I hate the idea of divorce. In fact, it shouldn't be an option. If I had to divorce a man, it would have been something so serious at the extent of committing some unforgivable, cardinal sin. Like OMG Britney Spears paying that loser K-Fed alimony. It's just disgusting. You have to slog like a cow to feed the kids, deal with the opinions emotions and you're not even allowed to have some sort of satisfaction from revenge by ditching the ass-O. Fk what kind of law is this?

Why am I worried you ask? Of course I am worried. 9 out of 10 of the women I know are financially more able than their bfs/brothers/fathers even among the poorer class. (1 is filthy rich and the parents will never run out of cash) Usually, it's girls who have stable jobs and good saving habits. Even those who shop like a maniac, knows how to miraculously unwind herself from bankruptcy. Another shameful fact is some guy friends have asked me to borrow them money because they're flat broke, despite the fact that they are employed and I'm not. (If you do read this, I just hope that you should take a good look at your financial health and not make borrowing a habit, I'm not even your girlfriend, hey) So yeah, I don't look highly at the earning capabilities of most men but I still try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

That is why I am sickly concerned. Moreover, if I had any wealth in my life, it would be money given to me by parents, and I keep thinking to myself, this isn't MY money to squander. It's my parents hard earned money, the kind of money my dad had to work for being separated from the family for weeks and risked dying in multiple landslides throughout his time at work and when he finally retires, he passes away prematurely. I don't even have a dad now to scrutinize and warn his future son in law to treat me well if not, he will do something nasty to him. And to think if after your husband screws your life up with his bad behavior, the law does not protect you from him continuing to rob even more things from your life. What spousal support my grand arse?! He has his arms and legs and is not a spastic. He should go work and support himself la. Especially if the fkr has been using MY money to fund the mistress/gamble/alcoholism/smoking/pay illegal debts. Then what's the point of divorcing him?

Summarily, marry someone richer than you or NEVER let him know how much you have if you're obviously richer.

The Thing About Marriage (Woman's Perspective)

2010-09-19T23:05:00.000+08:00

The only marriage I actually envy in my life is the husband and wife relationship my maternal grandpa and grandma had. But that's the past. They were match made and put up with each other because they had strong family values (no cheating, stealig, lying, divorce, support each other through thick and thin, give children the best). Obviously, Po loved Goong, considering the Chanel No. 5 perfumes she kept since the days he courted her (the smell has gone off by now) and how Goong smiles sheepishly every time we tease him about how he courted Po.

I just don't like it when some people have an indisputable perception that unmarried women are miserable pieces of crap. I beg to differ that having a husband is the beginning and end of your life till the point that you revolve everything around him. That being said out of experience. Being in love is great, but the life requirement to get married is totally overrated.

Getting married is the next best event after graduation. You announce to the world HEYA I'm married, be a queen of a day where every one gives you attention, take pictures which you look absolutely stunning x30 thanks to Photoshop. That my dears, is an illusion of happiness. (I can feel that kinda euphoria when I cosplay as well when swarmed with photographers and people queuing to get a shot with you, and it's not just one day) After the honeymoon phase, everything goes back to normal. The babies, the financial issues, the snoring, quirks. Even anthropologists confirm that the happiness level of single and married people are the same (scale goes up a while during the wedding and comes back down to normal like everyone else).

Whether you're happy in life or not depends very much on yourself. Fact is, most single, widowed and divorced women are pretty much doing okay. My mum, my sensei, my aunts, they just move on with life, despite their husbands premature passing and don't seem to have any intentions of remarrying. They have their jobs, kids maybe, hobbies and causes that keep their mind occupied from the fact that they're single. It's only those women who obsess about being 'wanted' are the miserable ones. I believe if they are truly happy in their relationships they won't say mean things about other people. It's just not normal for happy people to spout so much negativity about their perceptions of other people. If anyone has the right to complain, it's those single people (but they don't), why do you find the need to complain on their behalf?

The other day I was just pondering about a few people (and also HK dramas) I know who borrowed money to her then boyfriend in promise of marrying her after he graduates, which obviously never happened. Wouldn't it be better if she invested the money in her own education (or stocks, property etc.) instead of placing all her hopes in this fella? Fellas can run away, but the education and investments you make are yours. Another fact is that if a fella borrows money from you (a girl), it means that he does not hold you in high regard. Naturally, if a guy is truly in love with a girl, he would break his back rather than to let her suffer, and provide to her every need. He knows that asking a girl for favours is NOT attractive (same reason that girls act all nice and demure around the guy she fancies).

I know of the two typical scenarios where girls marry:

1) girl falls in love with guy regardless of his condition (eg. low education qualification, low paying job, big ego, snotty attitude) Let's not even come to the more extremes of alcoholism, wife beaters, gamblers, psychos, disabled, dies. Who suffers? The wife and the kids larh. But the wife is often in denial and instead diverts the attention by pointing out that single women have it tougher (How would she know?) Mebbe she's a masochist because to her living in poverty or receiving physical/emotional/mental pain is better than being 'unwanted'. Notice that the phase 'unwanted' is a something she conceived out of her own perception of herself and not exactly a universal fact. The only people who are literally unwanted (and deserve everyone's full sympathy) are babies thrown in a bin because their blood parents have the heart to just dump them because of refusal of responsibility or severe financial constraints.

2) girls who marry for economical stability (a whole lot more than social status stability). How do you explain the escalating amount of Asian women marrying foreign men through mail-order bride agencies till the point Asian men cry foul as this reduces their prospects of getting a wife. Look at China for instance. The one child policy plus the fear of an end of a family lineage (sons to carry the surname) has increased the ratio of men to women by 3:1. And the amount of China women seeking foreign men (in the higher income bracket and chance of migrating to a better country) are rising fast. Not just China women, but in countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand etc. And foreign men love them because they are not as demanding and high maintenance as some modern women.

Ideally, everyone wishes for that kind of happily ever after; which is to grow old together and still be together even though there are probably obstacles, heartbreak and sadness.

But people nowadays, all go with the feeling in their groin, I mean most of the time, their heart. It's common to hear the phase 'No feel'. There is no such scenario, especially among the middle class-affluent to just marry just because, there MUST be 'feel'.

Marrying for love is the main idea. RARELY, we will marry for looks (that is more likely for flings and for short term pleasure) and men do not put as much importance in their physical appearance as much as women. (That's weird, because in the animal world, its the other way around). I don't think women marry for sex (or because they got deflowered) as this is way past the sexual revolution and almost the same amount of women want to have no strings attached as men (that is until they find the right one).

Honestly girls, the main reason to get married is for economical leverage (consciously and subconsciously). In layman's terms, we marry for money (and if we can push it further, fame and status) since ancient times. Also, blame Hollywood for always depicting a man's extent of love for a woman is in a form of a glittering rock (and much dependable of the size) and other objects of affection (roses, chocolates, cars and objects of materialistic origins). In real life, I find that only 1 in 10 girls would require this, the rest are usually nice and simple girls and don't ask for much (mebbe for some, it's all in their plan of snagging the guy who would be put off by gold diggers and then debone him slowly when they've sealed the deal). I haven't met a girl who would openly complain something along the lines of "You don't love me. If you did, you would buy me the something-obscenely-expensive". But yeah, I know a lot of girls whom their bfs are subtly convinced to fund for their phone bills, travel expenses, food, general shopping, rent, basic necessities, car installments etc. Tell me again, girls that you're not looking for someone to provide for YOU, YOU and YOU.

We women are lazy. We were pampered because society places so much pressure on men to be the bread winner of the family and we were expected to play the supporting role (now redundant in the 21st century). Hence the mentality that there is no need to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job and enter the rat race because we are not programmed to do so. In fact, being too successful as a woman lowers your chances of getting married (in Asian culture).

We are programmed to be future tai-tais and most likely trophy wives. Modern women are not even pressured to give birth to a football team or clean/cook/wash because it is common practice to hire a maid (because it is even more costlier if we do it ourselves, if you get what I mean). Nowadays, men have to beg their wives to make babies. And based on my personal observation, men nowadays don't give a shit if women can't cook/clean/wash as long as you are capable in the bedroom department. So it is invalid to say that it is a prospective quality to have.

Boohoo, cooking/cleaning/washing are my main talents, but any girl with a legal female genitalia (regardless of looks and talent) can easily get a boyfriend. (Obviously, I'm talking about certain people I know, not completely out of envy but more as a matter of fact to prove my point.) Well, desperation, I mean determination to succeed plays a major role in this. Honestly, place one free in front of any guy and what do they loose anyway? Unless it's as hard as badly cooked abalone to swallow. (There goes my bitch side...)

I was recently reading Western articles that actually depict that Westerners actually don't place think highly in their son-in-laws to provide for their daughters. Maybe it has something to do with the high divorce rate as Westerners are more individualistic minded and has lower tolerance of bad behaviour from their spouse as compared to their Asian counterparts. Besides, marriage isn't truly practical asset at this age and time.

As a Chinese, I think it is devastating to know that some of the women I know actually put up with their husband/boyfriend's bad behavior ranging from beatings, constant money borrowing (and not returning), cheating, gambling etc. just because of the fear of being single. They believe they have invested a lot (time, youth, virginity, money, dignity) in their boyfriends to let them go despite the deterioration of attitude towards them. If you see a friend/relative/child getting abused in her relationship, very naturally you'd want to stand up for her because she can totally not stand up for herself anymore at this point because she is so emotionally blinded by this relationship she has invested her entire being into but is getting more miserable as a result of being mistreated. And to her, to break up now is HER loss. They can never believe that it's that guy's loss for taking advantage of a nice girl's affection towards him. Self-worth/esteem issues.

Names are protected to protect the confidentiality of individuals who have contributed very honestly (and without much pressure in any form on my behalf).

I Think I May Have Grown Up

2010-09-10T17:08:00.001+08:00

1. I haven't got a serious crush on anime/game characters for ages.

2. In fact, I find it disturbing if other people do. I actually gagged when I tried imagining a male otakushaving sexual fantasies about anime girls with unnaturally big eyes (and sometimes boobs). I was like thinking... how can you actually f* that?!!

3. I actually find shojou anime/manga freaking annoying. I don't even flip through a shojou title just to grip what it's talking about.

4. Even shonen exhausts me sometimes. Can you imagine it's been 6 months and I haven't even finished watching Black Butler. I watch like 1-2 episodes a month (3 if I'm dead bored).

5. I think that people who collect figurines are extremely awesome for their collection, but I really look down on their financial discretion (especially if they spend 50-100% of their monthly salary or rob other people on it).

If You Think Life Is Hard

2010-08-25T18:21:00.000+08:00

Yes, it is.

Because everyone's fucked up in the brain and you yourself probably are too. And fucked up people are not able to get along with each other.

Dad is a @#$% for leaving us here with his @#$$ problems. It's not that I don't have enough issues on my own and I have to deal with his.

Says who?

Fuck it lah you stupid money suckers who were never lucky enough to be born in a rich family and the only delusion you have of temporarily gaining power is by ordering other people around and telling them what you think. I'd bet you can't even make 1 million ringgit in your fucking lifetime. Don't even bother to mention being able to loosing 10 million and sneeze about it. Don't talk as if you have even earned more than 50k worth of assets in your life before. Plus 70% of your house probably still belongs to the bank. Let's hope you don't break an arm in an accident or whatever.

You dare laugh at other people loosing money. I can just make you cry by doodling on your car. So shut it because your endurance level isn't that high when people decide to counter your attack.

It's absolutely moronic. Why are these people who have 0 achievements in their own life trying to give me solid advise? Based on what? Their ass isit? If your plan was so fucking great, you would have become the next Uncle Lim already, not some kelefer employee earning less that 5k a month, 110% is to pay off your debts and the balance you borrow from even stupider people. Don't just jump into other people's Ferrari and think you're a better driver.

Yah, it's obvious you're jealous with jealously and greed. And you try to conceal it by making accusations at every little act of mine, talking as it's a sin if I can afford splurging (when it doesn't even qualify). Like, does it matter that much that the charsiew wanton mee is 50 sen more expensive than the one you normally eat? For that, I am persecuted for overspending. If that's the case, if you're such a saint, go donate your extra money to poor people la, instead of being so calculative.

Look there are plenty of rich asses out there (and a whole tonne who pretend that they are as well). Then what are you going to do? Scold everyone isit? Don't you realize your insecurity and inferiority is so disgusting? If you have any more sense of social etiquette (and pride in yourself), please keep your complexes to yourself instead of trying to justify your pathetic position every chance you can. I know you think everyone richer than you is an asshole, but looking from a different perspective, you're poor and you rather waste your reserves by denying that you're not by pinning the blame on other people.

So STFU and stare at yourself in your own pee before strutting around judging people. If you're unlucky, you might get hit by a brick one day by people who don't know how to blog out their anger instead.

WHY YES!

2010-08-19T02:30:00.001+08:00

For women, getting married is apparently the ONLY solution to everything in life.

You guys (and some women) will never understand.

Ref:

Page 1; Lazy Women's Survival Guide 101

Page 3; Overnight Success Stories

Page 4; Best Investments You'll Ever Make in Your Life

Page 1; Decisions in Life That Will Never Go Wrong

Page 5; Success In Life; Guaranteed

Page 3; How To Get Rich Without Ever Needed To Work

Page 1; Saving Face

Page 1; Saving Family Face

Page 4; Instant Ego Boost

Page 1; Change Your Life Without Ever Bothering About Changing Yourself

Page 7; Leverage in Society

Last Page; Every fairy tale book ever existed

Ya, so stop criticizing and judging women who get married however fast they want.

Good men who are willing to buy us a house, car, food and everything under the roof of the department store for the rest of our lives are selling like hot cakes. Grab one while it's hot if not you're just dumb. Must grab like those kiasu aunties over the discount basket during mega sale ok?

Happy 2nd Birthday My Red Bean Romance

2010-08-02T02:49:00.000+08:00

The day I created you, I knew that my life would be miserable and messed up to the max. My so-called Red Bean Romance was exactly how I depicted it to be, so I'm not complaining. I also kinda fathomed that the contents I posted in you wouldn't be as pink and cute as the layout but I kept the theme anyways so that I can come to you looking for solace and comfort (and hopefully my mood is colour coordinated with yours). At least, you don't answer back and judge me, and always made me feel like my rants made some sense if any.

Tragic birthdays? 4 so far make it to the list, don't wanna talk about the first 3. This year, dad's sick.

Why do bad things happen, I will never know, and I don't care to figure out anymore. I thought, if its God's will dad recovers, he'll recover even if we don't openly ask for it but for some reason God doesn't wanna heal, even if the whole country prays, tragedy is still unavoidable. Like his last operation. Everyone prayed like crazy, but it didn't work out as hoped. Then we'll just wonder, did we not pray and have faith enough and end up beating ourselves over it.

Mebbe I've been hurt too much, I don't want to have a 101% expectation that he will get well and not be prepared for the worst. Coz that would be the time it'll hit me x10 the damage. I wish to not be hit off balance if anything happens. No, it's not that I don't believe in God's miracles. I just don't have the energy to cry, beg, plead and stress and be expected to have more energy to swallow the universal grief and disappointment when he chooses omission.

Sometimes I think, why does it seem so easy to die, but somehow me myself, I don't make it? A lot of people just drop and pass on. Even like Po, poof, gone. Even though we expect it coming, we don't expect it coming.

Budak says, everyday we just attach excuses which hinder us from doing what we really wanna do. Like we hang around home because we make excuses that our family needs us. There's a lingering choice that we could actually just get up and leave and they would just have to deal with it. Then maybe at that moment, we realize that they didn't need us as much as WE thought they did.

I always thought that, if Po is gone, my bane of existence disappears too. I dealt it for nearly a year, lingering on always hoping that something phenomenal would happen to change my life to the better, PERMANENTLY. I don't think it exists, and I'm quite tired of waiting. I just live on temporary highs I create for myself, and to be thrown once more in hopelessness, rinse and repeat. I ask, what's the bloody point of life?! To go through this moronic cycle?

I don't think everyone has the power to forge their own destiny (like all those positive thinking books I read). I think they are called to it by divine intervention so if you're not the chosen one, then you're just doomed to banality. I ideally thought I could be someone special and so much effort and sacrifice was made in the process. Then at some point, I kinda think, actually I'm just a lazy person, being able to eat and sleep is good enough, why the hell am I always trying to humiliate myself by challenging destiny?

There I go again. Thanks for being with me nonetheless even though I'll admit that I wasn't the greatest blog mistress. I don't really believe I will become any more happier in the remnants of my life so please bear with me for whatever years that I have left.

Part of me wants to start life anew. Part of me is wishing for it to just end there.

My only comfort in life is knowing that there's an end to it.

Sincerely and sadly,

The Thing About Men

2010-07-29T04:05:00.000+08:00

They can be unexpectedly sweet. And get horrible flustered and embarrassed about it. Which makes me feel troubled and slightly disturbed by it. In the end, I don't talk about it because I'm the strange, rare people who are capable of detaching their negative emotions and pretend nothing happened. Mebbe it isn't a good idea because they would start thinking they did something wrong to offend me, an be oversensitive about me avoiding them.

Oh mona, how? I don't feel like bringing this up with them and talk about how I feel (because I might puke out of stress). I'm such a school girl. LoL.

In the end, I think I was relatively surprised but I don't wanna make a big deal out of it. Tensed.

My BestieFFFF is Awesome Sheez

2010-07-28T16:27:00.001+08:00

Things she said to me yesterday that almost made me cry my eyeballs out laughing:-

1. That she'll be graduating in July, so she'll be able to attend my graduation in December (that is if I ever have one). And then we can take a year to travel around and shop till we puke stars.

2. Apparently, she was going to London next week as well! We could have met up. Sheez.

3. That since I felt afraid about going to study my degree in Art by myself, she suggested we find a common university, or some uni in the same area so that we can stay together and live the life of ridiculous luxury. We would be some kiasu over-educated SHs shamelessly together as she would be studying her PhD and me my second degree.

4. After we graduate, we shall continue living the life of ridiculous luxury of glitz and glam by living the life of the socialite tai-tais.

5. When we become old, we shall console each other about the fact that we lived a life full of glory and didn't settle for less despite the peer pressure being a normal tai tai with a normal husband with normal kids, dog, house, car and hairstyle. Normal isn't being said in a good way here.

6. We would be both filthy rich and have our drivers send our kids to international school and bicker/gossip with other tai tais over tea time because we don't have a 9-5 job and taking afternoon naps is considered unproductive.

7. Throw themed parties every once in a while because we were discussing a fashion line.

8. We are crazed Vivienne Westwood fans. Our next agenda in London is visit the main one in King Street.

9. We said at the same moment, no wonder you're my best friend.

10. That we're pro-Damansara area and if we happen to work there we shall rent a studio apartment and furnish it designer style. Our first physical shop would be located there too so that we can patron the uptown boutiques and cafes.

11. If our high end life doesn't work out, there's always Ipoh to fall back to. She can work in Tanjung Rambutan hospital (because that's the only psychiatic hospital that needs a psychologist near Ipoh) and I can concentrate on contributing to the artistic development in Ipoh, open a few businesses, organize charity events...etc etc

12. For some epic reason, I get to build a mansion with a swimming pool (since land in Ipoh is cheap like crap). Even kelefers can afford a 300k 3.5 storey house with fountain but I hate the location because it's like buying pirated CD or fake handbag. Same visual quality but we all know it's fakeshit and never going to be 100% like the original. And bestie stays with me and refuses to pay anything else except water and electricity.

Yeah I know, we're epic crazy. That's why we have so much fun together.

Next Few Years of My Life

2010-07-26T18:46:00.000+08:00

After I've done my diploma in graphic design, I could do the following:-

a) Study in Birmingham Institute of Art & Design for Bachelor of Arts (Hons) Visual Communication (Illustration) for a year.

b) Mingle and do freelance work in Ipoh. I have ultimately decided NOT to return to KL. Don't wanna work in Singapore despite the perks and blah. Overrated sia. I'm just so annoyed right now I wanna do something to prove to people that working in these two places will only guarantee a bright future as an employee/slave.

c) Consider Vietnam. Because I dig Vietnamese pho, spring rolls, spicy beef soup and meatballs. Besides, Ho Chih Min city has a lot of Korean expatriates working there. Nice! Currency involved is USD. English teachers are always welcomed, respected and better paid. I get school holidays as well.

d) If I'm too fricking lazy to move about, I'm gonna grow roots in Ipoh and become one of the prominent members in society by contributing to the artistic field and tourism. Mebbe try to follow my grandpa's footsteps and obtain a title. Just because I'm sentimental about family traditions.

e) Build a mansion here and live a life of classic luxury and adopt kids from Vietnam/Korea and send them to International school which is near our residence. There are no marriage prospects in Ipoh and I'll just have to accept it at that. By that time, I would have been so preoccupied with having kids; sending them to school, tuition, sports, holidays etc. I wouldn't have time/energy to acknowledge the fact that I might be single, lonely and miserable (as a lot of other people would enjoy to believe). We'll have plenty as pets as usual too.

f) Fall in love and get married? Maybe, but not counting on it absolutely. Why must people have a sick mentality that we have to be dependent on other people to make us happy? Realistically, one must be capable of being happy even by themselves, not ultimately, but if the husband leaves/dies, at least the wife can be strong enough to look after the kids.

I just read an article on the news:-

One side, city women are having high expectations. I honestly think, they're not being unrealistic but that's generally the basic cost of life. Mebbe they should just cut down on their spending and not expect other people to support their bizarre lifestyle. Then there are the stupid girls who think love can solve everything, who are in for a rude shock of their lives and let assholes bully them because they can live without the attention.

Men, having their egos punctured for not being handsome nor rich (and have the mentality that women should just love them for them unconditionally but condition their women to have big boobs and asses) try to buy love with money (which most women oblige because that's the fastest way out of poverty) and also expect them to be virgins and the sort. Like browsing through a catalogue to choose the prettiest and best for value wife. And they are bitter about women who are choosy. How ironic.

I think both sides are nuts and should just reflect themselves in their own pee and consider their own self worth before implementing conditions on other people.

What I Really Want

2010-07-15T14:17:00.000+08:00

Loose weight until I'm 48kg.
Have my own room and working area.
Preferably own house; 3 rooms, big kitchen with medium sized landscaped garden with waterfall.
A new PC or laptop that can work wonders with graphics.
A new sewing machine.
A bigger wardrobe or better yet a walk in one.
Endless money from investments & don't need to work in whatever office.
Go any fking where in the world whenever I want.
Shopping in Paris and Milan frequently.
Sleep and wake up whenever I want everyday.
Play/Party like crazy everyday like Paris Hilton.
To see Siwon again.
A plasma TV and PS3 and a proper couch.
A laser jet printer.
A bigger book shelf for my books.
A big work table.
Slimmer thighs.
Smoother face with less red dots.
A milk bath every week.
Hair treatment every 2 weeks.
Mani/Pedi every 3 weeks.
Peace and quiet.
Avoid annoying people.
Fresh desserts whenever I want.
To get a PPL and my own private jet.
Buy a private villa in Okinawa.
4 bodyguards, because I would be hated if I had all of the above. XD

Accidents

2010-07-12T14:49:00.000+08:00

Things that are out of my control. Despite being the control freak I am, things can just seep in from unseen corners taking me by surprise.

Today is one of the days I just ask myself why am I still here? What the F* am I doing? Why am I trying so hard to be happy just to be thrown down a ravine of sadness and depression again? Why do I only experience temporary highs of happiness but deeply inside there is a surge of grief and horror.

For the many years, positive thinking is an exercise I do everyday. I don't want to think that I'm lying to myself by giving myself hope and consolation by looking from the other side of the box. Ultimately, it doesn't cover completely the other side of the coin. There is the obvious and concrete bad point and I try to revamp it to look like it is a blessing in disguise.

I really can't take the motions anymore. I can't stand being thrown straight down to depression hell after putting all that effort BELIEVING I can be truly happy with practice. It keeps repeating over and over and I'm really sick and tired having hell freezing over.

Enough.

I cannot fake it anymore. I cannot keep up with smiling when people try to bring me down and insult me. I cannot keep pretending that I don't give a crap about what people do to offend me. I cannot just live just to fulfil responsibilities and to take care of other people's feelings while putting my own aside.

I feel so F*ing sick I don't feel like living anymore.

We

2010-07-12T02:01:00.000+08:00

both hate working in Sg.
are workaholics.
are probably too practical minded.
eat extra spicy food competitively and lose our voice the next day.
are overaged children.
like to brutally tease each other.
are hopelessly kiasu.
kiam siap over cosumer consumption.
generous towards people we care for.
think too much.
keep secrets from each other because we know its gonna hurt if we say it out.
can be bloody selfish sometimes.
make each other cry for stupid reasons.
give up easily.
are very sentimental people.

Whose Happiness

2010-07-02T06:16:00.000+08:00

It's a crazy month and I really hope I can withstand the high tension right throughout July till August.

Singapore Cosfest tomorrow, exam and assignment week, Steph's grad and after graduation party weekend, dissertation week and I'm the first one presenting (because I'm the one of the two people in batch 101), C2Age, Bon Odori (plus I have to sew our yukatas) and sigh, UK.

Quite stressed out. I'm the kind who just needs a lot of personal time to recharge. I'll just enjoy everything to the max now and do my best to meet all the deadlines.

Anyway what I've been thinking lately, is about my general happiness level. 50% happy, 50% depressed. Good balance. Was there a time I was 100% happy, why YES. As in just happy and contented minding my own things and not being bothered or worried about anything. That was in primary school, UK and TOA. Between those times, it was hell.

Today I just made a temporary decision to myself. That the fact exists that, I am capable of being happy. I am also a very sensitive soul. I can't take intense emotional hurt. I have proven to myself that I could stand back up after it but hey, sometimes, you can't keep gambling your existing happiness away. Like, I realized that I'm only trying to date other people because of the crazy pressure around. Annoying questions like when are you going to get married and blah keep coming like no tomorrow. Are people really so benevolent to care about your well being by encouraging you to get married? Mmm, if you intend to be so nice to me then I'd prefer it'd be in the form of cash.

So yeah, I question the intentions of people who keep pressuring you to get married. Are they really thinking for your benefit? Or they just want a chance to see you screw up at it?

Look, if you wanna get married yourself, please, by all means do so. I personally think marriage is a great and sacred thing, and to actually achieve a great marriage is something that is highly honorable and deserves respect. But marriage isn't for everyone, plus marriage doesn't guarantee a happily ever after and a sigh of relief.

From my perspective, I don't want to simply settle. Like even when we go to the supermarket we pick the largest, prettiest and healthiest fruit in the whole lot. What more a partner who you're gonna share your life with and have kids with? Don't HH yourself and your future kids, just because your afraid that you're afraid to be left on the shelf. Okay so maybe some people are just despo, helpless and looking for a quick fix through marriage. That's fine too. It is human nature to be striving for convenience and comfort. But when I hear stories of women just putting up with their mens' crap, I feel quite disturbed. Their self worth is only determined when a man lets her hang around him. Sigh.

I'm not here to judge and whatever, but that's just the case. What I'm more concerned is the honour of the choices that people make. Even if other people give their endless opinions, the choice is ours to make and other people should just go find something else beneficial to do. Like when I say ok, at the moment, being in a relationship isn't something I feel like doing at this moment, there is no need of speculating about the reasons why I don't want to. The reason may be: I got hurt before, I have low self confidence in myself, I'm gay, I have a bad attitude that repels men, I'm pretending to be a strong independent woman denying my need for a man. Like whatever. Why do you need to justify my decisions in life? I don't think God sends single men or women to hell just because they refuse to get married.

Honestly, no reason. I don't feel like it. I just like going through the motions of life and let it unfold naturally. Life is too short to worry about everything and it's totally out of control. I just date around, chat up a few guys and enjoy myself without having to envision how my future with every guy would be. Yeah you may be right that if I wait too long, I'll grow old and saggy and no one would want me. Surprise. Big deal. The guy would need to put up with the fact I'd grow old and saggy sooner or later. I don't want to interpret that if I can't get a guy, means I'm not attractive enough. Why would you want to adapt such a negative mentality for yourself? Thinking this way would only make you want to kill yourself faster out of self loathing and hypersensitivity.

My top priority lies in getting married and having a family of course, considering what a traditionalist I am.

My requirements aren't high, just that as long as we get along well and we feel that we're comfortable together, that's good enough. Mental wavelength has to be about equal, he needs to get my jokes and I get his. Like right now, I just need to detect whether I have any feel for that person. Plus feelings need to be reciprocated, not that if you like someone then can already.

But let's say, it wasn't meant to be. For whatever reason.

What am I supposed to do? Throw myself in the river, is it? Cannot also.

I don't want to think that it's utterly unacceptable to be unmarried. I'd like to look on the brighter side of things. They say you need a husband for company. Well, you have friends and family and pets. He's not the only living creature on earth. Plus, let's say you divorce him or he dies early? In the end, friends and family are the only people you can actually fall back to.

Financial support? Can't rely totally on him too. What if he becomes disabled, fired, disinherited or he spends all the money? Rich people can fall from grace too. It's more reliable to have your own secret stash that you have full control over.

Love? Love can make or break a person.

Sometimes I would think, love is not worth having this permanent wound in your heart when something bad happens. The pain of being separated for whatever reason is just dreadful. Detaching your emotions from a person is worst that just tearing out your capillaries out of your body. It's not as easy to heal too. My personal motto is, being married is ideal and prolly the best option for people in general, but being single is way better that having your heart broken or dating the Mr. Wrong.

Some guy told me that love is about hugging, kissing and holding someone. Going out together for meals and all the funky stuff...

I'd prolly won't exactly die without it. Actually not often I think about it. It's just like, "Oh yeah, okay." What about all this big hype that people get so jealous over all the time?

To answer the big Q about when's my turn next? Dunno, see how it goes and be genuinely happy along the way.

Mid June Final Decisions

2010-06-18T05:22:00.002+08:00

I have to delegate my priorities once again and just deal with life in a more positive manner.

I'm putting off buying an iMac or PC until I graduate next year. Period. I don't URGENTLY need it and don't need to break my back to pay off the installments. Just make the compromise to use the iMacs in the college labs. It is not as inconvenient as I think if I manage my time well.
My lenses and flash unit can wait. I'll work with whatever I already have alongside natural light.
Put off buying the PS3 as long as possible. I don't need it urgently as well because there're only less than 5 games I'm enthusiastic to play anyway plus it's not like I have the time or resources for it. A PS3 + games can pay off 2 months of college fees.
Put off buying the iPhone 4G until I have a decent salary to own one. Least important in my priority list. I have to cease the need to be kiasu about my gadgets. Like screw it if everyone has a BB or iPhone. It's just a thing to boost your ego. My ego is already big as it is.
Honest to God, the PS2 can wait as well. I've been without it since more than a year and it won't make a difference to add on a few months. If I have free time, better go concentrate on my online business instead. I'll only get it if I get some bonus money.
Giving all the above up, it's okay to modify the PSP for RM50 because RM50 cost much less than 1 PSP game plus I found an avenue for free games. Initially, I tried to modify the PSP myself. Unfortunately, different versions have different downgrades, ours is a later model (most existing tutorials are for the older models which involved rigging the hardware) and I don't want to fry my sis's PSP because I'm trying to kiam siap. After exams mebbe.
Be extremely kiasu in my FB games and let it distract me from boredom. Since I'm paying for the internet anyway.
Calm down and know that living at home is a prerequisite for saving enough money to move out once and for all.
I don't need anymore clothes, bags, shoes or accessories. Nuff said. People who stay at home often just need home clothes or a towel.
After August, it's a final halt till November to spending on leisure stuff like holidays and trips and just stay at home learning more beneficial stuff from reading.
Join the next craft fair.
Finish whatever assignments due and study for tests.
Book whatever I need to book for UK and Paris.
Most importantly, concentrate on finishing my cosplay projects this 2 weeks.

I'm half upset with myself, half glad that someone pointed it out to me that I'm loosing control of my life. I'm human. Oppressed long enough, it will eventually break me. Luckily, I'm not hard to fix back either. I'll definitely survive pass this period as long as I'm determined enough and level headed all the time. I know I'm intelligent and talented. Just need to not loose focus and be affected emotionally.

Ah Ann

2010-06-16T00:00:00.024+08:00

My golden baby, happy 24th birthday. Let me take this opportunity to reminisce about the time that has passed since the first day I knew you.

The first day I met you during college, you were still a minor. Now in a more year's time, you're gonna be in your mid 20s. Not to pour cold water on you, but just to encourage you that there's a different type of excitement at every different stage of life, so it's better to look forward to new things you couldn't have done while you were under 20 than to keep comparing it to the past. Plus, insya Allah, I hope to be there for you at every stage of your life.

Live la nearer. I actually hate travelling to Johor. Always meet a lot of dodgy people. Crime rate high. Larkin is even scarier x30 than Puduraya. I kena rompak/rogol/potong/kukus/cincang also nobody know. Niaseng. If wasn't because of you, I don't need to even give a crap that Johor is part of Malaysia. It's still early, but I'm packing my overnight bag and bring my taser along for security purposes. Can't wait to see you. We've been meeting once or twice a year since graduation but dunno why I feel like you're part of my everyday life.

Love you babe,

Mama emas

As I Wake Up

2010-06-14T15:46:00.000+08:00

I think the most the moment I wake up. As in, the most critical things come to mind the second I make the transit back from slumber to reality. It's like a moodswing/pms moment and I start emo-ing and becoming extremely depressed. That's why I hate waking up. I wished someone would hit me in the head so I could go back to sleep.

Most indefinitely, I would think about a lot of mistakes I made in the past, how I was wronged by certain people, past abandonment, lack of understanding and support, or my lack of achievements and stability in conducting my own life, money...

Today I woke up and I kinda remembered what exactly it was that made me extremely enthusiastic and happy in life. My dream life I was working hard for. Going to art college and producing a load of art. Painting. Crafting. Photographing. Hanging out with my laid back friends talking about random artistic events like plays, musicals, exhibitions in a jazz bar or a funky dessert place. Being invited to showcase for exhibitions. Talk about my work. Make friends and be known through my trade. Watch anime, read manga and play PS games if I had free time. Have my own pod and design it the way I like.

Not be known as the lawyer among everyone. It's too annoying. Thank God for some of my closer relatives who acknowledge the fact that I'm studying art now. I think I probably watch too much television and admittedly I'm jealous at scenes where the parents actually encourage their kids to do their best in whatever their passionate about (ie. playing the guitar or entering some talent competition) Mine is like; whatever. Sometimes I feel they only care about the son. The reason I say this is because he just gets everything he says he wants, whereas even we beg for it, sigh, never comes.

I mean, I want a table for work at least. I don't even get that. I kinda know that and iMac, PS3 and zoom lens is probably crossing over the line. Fair enough.

Living life now is just boring and tiring. I thought resigning from work would help, but in exchange for financial instability and financial worry...

In a nutshell, I'd probably just want to spend time in my room drawing and painting. Some moments, I'm kinda annoyed that there's only graphic design in Ipoh, which I knew from the very beginning was a bit off course. Am I regretting? I can't regret because that is my only ticket (albeit a 3rd class one) to reverse my relation to Law. And also a stepping stone to getting a better art qualification for the future.

Huah!!! So Angry Right Now I Don't Know What To Scold First.

2010-06-12T08:21:00.000+08:00

In list order, the accumulated events that pissed me off.

Firstly, I have never ending to-dos, never ending planning/organizing/strategizing, never ending assignments, never ending appointments, never ending costumes/props, never ending lethargy no matter how long I sleep and never ending tension and stress on top of everything. F* why is my life so eventful beyond reason.

Okay, with my hands full already, I don't need unnecessary crap to elevate my hypertension. Like WTFH is wrong with people who enjoy abusing the use of hand phones?!! Just these 2 days alone.

I noticed a long time ago, that Malaysians have the most ridiculous telephone etiquette in the world.

For example, when you call someone you first introduce yourself especially if its your first time calling. Normal. But what's abnormal is that people don't like saying who they are. As if they are ashamed of their own names or you'll suck their soul into the phone if they mentioned it. And when you force the issue to identify themselves, they say they'll call back later and hang up. =_=" I honestly find this attitude really lame and annoying. Another scenario is when they call the wrong number, realizes its not the voice they recognize and they hang up. An apology won't kill you, especially when you just disturbed someone by ringing their phone and they drop whatever their doing to pick up your call, just to be hung up rudely.

Okay, so what got me annoyed today was this woman who called me yesterday. I couldn't recognize the number but I picked it up in case it was someone I knew using someone else's phone to call me. When I picked up the phone, this woman bombarded me with questions like "Where are you? Are you at home? Are you free?". Defensive instinct: I said, "No, who are you?" Apparently, this woman is the clerk working at my college and she was trying to sell me unit trust funds. (Huah!? Can use students info for personal purposes wan?!) Anyway, the way she was talking to me was quite 'semangat,' saying can make a lot of money, good investment bla bla bla... And I politely just said, ok-lah, just give me the information brochure when I come to college, I'll read over. Bai bai.

For me, I'm open to learning new investment stuff, but doesn't mean I just buy like crazy just because of the so-called greater profit. Plus, I've heard stories about people losing money buying unit trusts. The main reason why these people push you to buy these things is because they have to meet their quota and get their commission from selling you their product. I mean, fair enough, I get interest as well, but the thing is that some people just tell you the good points of the investment and not the bad part. This is something I don't really like because they would have profited from your investment but if it goes awry, it's your money that gets lost and they would have pocketed their commission anyway (so its none of their business if it screws up).

So up to date, the people I'm rather afraid of are insurance agents, unit trust / investment representatives, network marketing people. Sales people and credit card promoters not so much maybe because they're not so persistent and desperate.

So tonight came and I was busy like crazy with a whole tonne of work to do (till the point I had to give up a nice Korean dinner) and the woman called again. And again. A total of 7 times, every 20 minutes. I switched off my phone. I was feeling petty and irritated. Everyone knows how I hate interruptions when I'm working. I pray to God she doesn't call over the weekend and just wait for me to come to school on Monday. My point is, yeah fine, you want me to buy something which sounds good. Firstly, I don't think it's right to just use my phone number I gave my college for any other purpose unless it is school related. Secondly, I didn't think there was a need to spam my phones with calls 7 times a night unless its something urgent like someone died, 2 would be fairly reasonable.

Another case is this v.v.v.v.v. annoying person who has been calling my phone since last year. I think out of his 100 phone calls and text I've only picked up twice (on which occasion I didn't know it was him calling) and after I found out it was him, I ignored his calls/text completely. Like, what idiot in this universe would keep calling a phone that never answers him for over a year?! OMFG. Normal people would 'get the hint' that they're not very well liked or speculate that this person is no longer using that number AND GIVE UP.

My phone isn't joined to my hip so I don't bring it everywhere with me. I don't have a significant telecommunication habit that I have to check my phone every 2 minutes. Looking me up on MSN is even more reliable than expecting me to pick up my phone. And other than that, I don't pick up calls from weird, unidentified numbers or people I don't like. I hate confrontation and I don't feel like explaining to people I don't like them because not wanting to talk to you for over a year is a big enough indication to leave me alone and get a life. Haiyo, you don't have other friends meh?

I feel so harassed at the moment, I really want to change my phone number.

I Shall Rant

2010-06-08T06:20:00.002+08:00

Seems a long time, but it isn't very long since Po passed away. The heartache hasn't ceased. Maybe it's because everything has been going downhill after she passed on. At least when she was around, I would still see justice upheld. I felt protected in a way, cared for, I had someone to back me up. The majority of the time I felt I was misunderstood and opposed, but to know that Po supported whatever I wanted to do (even though iI really don't know whether it made any sense to her), that is good enough.

She knew I didn't like Law. While she was alive, I have never heard her expecting me to be a lawyer or trying to convince me to be one. She never ever brought this topic up with me. In fact, I heard from my aunt that she told my mother off for making me study something I didn't want to study. And allocated my funds specifically for art college because she knew my parents didn't have the capability to send me to college.

What is happening now, is even crazier than then. At least during that period of time, I was given some kind of HOPE.

Hope that I just had to study law and I'll be free from this entire family obligation. Please grandpa. Graduate and get to study art. Life will be easier because I'll have funds to live on. Splurge a bit, buy the things I always wanted to buy. Less worries. Live like Paris Hilton maybe.

The whole thing was a blatant lie.

I worry every night how to pay off my college fees and still be left with enough money to do the things I like to do, enough money to move out when I get a job, enough money to buy a house, enough money to have a family and enough money to feed my kids and send them to school... Marrying rich is something you strike with luck. The average man earns 3k. 1k goes to the mortgage/rent, 1.5k to the family expenses, left with a measly 500 for personal use and emergencies. Barely enough to live. Even if you earn 5k, it gets spent in the same ratio, so technically, the higher salaried person isn't any way better off having reliable assets other than his job. What I'm trying to say is that it is highly likely I'm going to marry someone around this category, because realistically, there aren't many eligible rich men floating around. And even if there is, how likely is one willing to marry me, right? So, no, unfortunately this is not a available solution for me.

I suppose when you work in a conveyancing firm long enough, you could tell the really rich from those who try to act rich but actually living on credit. Honestly, our jobs can only afford us so much.

Anyways, continue with ranting. There are a couple stuff I'd really like to have, like a new computer to work on (my laptop is officially fried, and now I have to rely on the college labs) and upgrades for my camera. Food I can cut down, traveling I can't budget quite well, shopping isn't necessary. I get quite angry because I feel that the things I need aren't unreasonable and it's not like we cannot afford it. But what the heck is the issue for asking for money? Dad makes it like climbing up Mount Everest; you don't know whether you'll be able to reach there eventually. I'm really tired of asking for funds. Which is really agonizing, because on one hand you want to concentrate on studying, pursue the college life you always wanted and have time tat the end of the day to do work and de-stress, but you have to worry about money because you're not working.

I'm really frustrated because he rather spend money pleasing other people and showing off rather than even contributing to his children's education or well being. Sigh, there are just so many more unpleasant stories but I'll just stop here. Injustice. It's revolting. It's like grandfather's manipulation tactics all over again.

It's like I'm being thrown at the beginning of Law again. The only way out is to endure it to the end. And HOPE.

I think Po might be proud that I'm making it despite everything. But knowing her, she would never had let me go through such thing. Knowing that is enough.

Sigh

2010-06-02T02:25:00.000+08:00

Strange things are happening to me again.

It's familiar to me but it would be bizarre to other people.

I don't know since when, but it feels like your heart doesn't feel like it belongs to you anymore and it feels comfortable being in someone else's possession.

Ableh. Goes to sleep.

May Ends

2010-05-28T02:46:00.002+08:00

May seemed like a very, very long month!~ Just does.

Assignments have been flying in and out this month. I'm glad tomorrow's Wesak Day meaning I have one day extra to relax a little, do miscellaneous tasks and not freak out from overwork.

As some of you might know I was in Aussie from the 13th-23rd. The trip was brilliant but because my photo uploader on blogspot is pms-ing at the moment, please keep an eye open for my FB updates.

Small bew cheh's wedding was just so much fun! Simple but amazing. Overseas people are so lucky because they get to get married in a PROPER church, stained glass, choir and all. Plus they get to have Western style dinner! WY and I cried during the dinner because we were just so overwhelmed with emotion. (LOL it's as if I'm marrying off my own daughter!)

Very unfortunately, I've only been to the Chinese wedding dinners held at night and very rarely, yum cha sessions. Matt (my cousin in law) was awfully sporting to 'cham cha' to the elders! Even addressed the elders using the Chinese terms while serving tea. Seems that it isn't really a trend to hold a ceremony to say I dos in M'sia. It was a really beautiful moment, like before man and God, you vow to be faithful, love and honour each other. Nice.

Meeting up with family especially for these special moments is just great! Finally, got to meet my niece, Livie, who is 2 this year. Long way to go...

Melbourne trip was so crazy exciting, it's still lingering on today. Was just an awesome Saturday going to the market, Lalat's burrow, Melb zoo, omGG the aquarium and a nice dinner to wrap it up.

Needed the holiday. The day prior to flying I was on the verge of suffering a nervous breakdown. But I suppose it's ok now.

Every weekend from now, there's going to be an engagement. Another wedding too! It's most special because this is the first 'friend' (a very good friend, at that) wedding I'm attending and finally, I was asked to fill in the role as a 'ji mui' (wow debut moment).

Anyways, the excitement is just beginning. I think it's going to be a crazy month up till end of August!

5th June : Mum's birthday, Ipoh. Also Suju concert in Singapore.

12th June : The ONLY weekend in a long time I'll have time to work on projects.

19th June : Jo's birthday, JB & Singapore.

26th June : Cindy's Wedding, KL.

3rd July : Cosfest, Singapore.

10th July : WY's graduation, Kampar. Thinking of diving at Redang/Pangkor on Sunday.

17th July : C2Age & Bon Odori, KL.

24th July : Final project weekend. End of sem 2. Yay.

31st July : London & Paris

7th Aug : London & the surrounding towns.

14th Aug : Prepare to go to school for sem 3.

If they ask me to travel anywhere in September, I would gladly pass. (Mum's obsessed about going to Italy this year). I'm most probably going to say no to Hong Kong too. Wants to get some proper work done and I don't like to be separated from Cupcake more than a day.

Wish I could just stay at home and laze, not think about anything and not be expected to do anything up until December! How time flies.

Nightmare Coming True..

2010-05-26T02:48:00.000+08:00

Today my sis was reading to me this to me from the Sapphire Pearls website:-

Super Junior will be coming to Singapore on the 6th next month.

WHAT?! Crazy surprise concert all of a sudden?!~ Mother's birthday on the 5th more important or Suju concert more important? Both. I swore I would attend Suju's Singapore concert if they ever had one. But this is like crazy soon!!!!

What makes it unbelievable is that, though the show hasn’t even planned and fans are thinking that they won’t see their idols for a long time, yesterday, SingTel announced on the net that SJ will be having a show later.

I didn't expect to see them for at least the next 2 YEARS!!! So last minute this stupid sponsors... Same thing happened with SS501. People need to plan travel, accommodation and transport in advance. You think so easy.

In order to concert with the new phone model of Korean brand Samsung, two big companies invited the popular group SJ, to find two free days in their tightly packed 4 Jib promotion schedule, and hold a closed concert in Singapore.

You bet their schedule is tight. Hope negotiations fail and the concert gets postponed till at least end of the year.

The official web has posted ‘Watch Super Junior’s show in Singapore’, arousing a lot of fan’s attention. Although the website hasn’t yet announced the details of SJ’s coming concert, according to reliable sources, after attending the MBC Music Core on the 5 June, SJ will immediately go to Singapore, holding the first concert there on the 6.

SM wanna work them to death is it?! That means they have to leave on a night plane after the Music Core performance and arrive in Singapore in the morning and perform in the evening and fly back the next day!

Super Junior who debuted in 2005 held two Asia world tours, and has been to many different places like Mainland China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and even Kuala Lumpa, but had never been to Singapore. And now this time they will be going there, however, according to news, only 1600 people are lucky enough to watch their show this time.

Kuala Lumpa. *snort* Lucky wor. Who pay, who watch lor.

The web also mentioned that this exclusive concert only allows the first 800 buyers of the new phone, who had the concerts tickets to watch the show. That means, after the long waiting, there will still be a lot of fans be disappointed, and unable to watch SJ’s performance.

Wah, like that also can?! Samsung THAT desperate for buyers meh. Like holding the tickets as ransom and the bloody phone is not cheap. Damn how to buy tickets.

Only 9 people going, Siwon will not be attending.

*pause* Ok, means no need to go.

This will be the first time Super Junior visits Singapore, but there will be only 9 members going, so the fans would not be able to meet Siwon who has just done an operation. Siwon was sent to the hospital due to inflammation of salivary gland, though he had quickly resume his schedule and continued the promotion of the new album, he won’t be going to Singapore.

Oh mona. Poor darling. SM working him to death. Grrr. Since he's not attending, means I have one weekend less to travel. Sigh. See you again in 2 years time. Lol.

Distinctive Eyebrows

2010-05-08T03:58:00.000+08:00

I've always loved them subconsciously throughout the years. LOL.

I promise myself I have to smile and be happy everyday from now onwards. Happiness is something you need to constantly fight for. Even after attaining it, you'll have to continue fighting to preserving it. Yup, sounds so tedious!

Maybe one in ten days, there are those moments, you're just incapable of happiness based on your own efforts. You're either tired, fed up or listless. That is when that special someone just pops by at the right moment (God knows how) and brightens up your day. Like wow.

Tipsy Rambles

2010-05-07T04:15:00.000+08:00

Half of me is filled with a great potential of happiness, the other half is also filled with genuine sadness. I came to recognize that they coexist. Sometimes when I experience a happy event, I will be reminded of the existing sadness, and the vice versa happens; happiness to sooth out my sadness. I supposed that makes me quite a balanced person..

Most of the time, I'm capable of letting out a hearty appreciative laugh when I'm with certain people. After that temporary high, I revert to being calm and collected, most of the time lost in thoughts.

I think I've mellowed over the years. Life is increasingly serious. Sometimes I feel that I won't be able to be truly joyful for a permanent period in my life. Right now, my joyful moments are just bits and pieces I constantly collect. It's like fuel to a car, they are essential to keep the car moving but has to be constantly filled up.

In a way I'm glad that I've found back some footing in my passion in art, design, craft, cosplay and games. Really good way to keep distracted and from becoming idle to the point my brain has a diarrhea of detrimental thoughts.

Po's time with us feels too short. I suppose that's how it is with a lot of other people. I'm just greedy with one thing in my life. Don't need a lot of holidays, don't need a lot of fancy things.

The future looks uncertain. Sometimes I get quite disinterested to pursue it. Feels like once my youth and vigour is gone, I don't really know what can ever go on in my life again. Rather mundane.

Maybe in real fact, people like to wallow in their drawbacks. Gives them some sort of 'purpose' to dream that they will eventually escape it. Some things, once achieved, lose meaning.

Annoyed. Annoyed that a lot of people can't appreciate the good things that happen to them and keep on being envious of others. They come around as very toxic and poisonous people to be with.

My Birthday Wish 2010

2010-05-05T02:58:00.000+08:00

Today, we finally bought our tickets to the UK. Possibly, we'll be dropping my mon cherie, Paris...

My crazy wish this year is to spend my birthday on the Eiffel Tower while eating ice cream from Berthillon (and if it isn't cold like crap, I'd be wearing Lolita again).

Something I drew after my first trip to Paris in 2007... An unfulfilled wish.

Launching My Craft Blog

2010-04-11T14:47:00.000+08:00

Cherry Lynn Designs

Oh the Moon, Stars and Sky!

2010-03-30T03:08:00.000+08:00

Feeling absolutely ditsy. Maybe it has something to do with having irregular meals and too much antibiotics.

Argh I have 6 subjects this semester. I am definitely not a normal student. Normal students have 5 subjects max. I feel that I have made the right decision of quitting my job at the office. Really have to concentrate on school projects 120% and make up for lost time and knowledge. I still have to go to the office because there's so many things left undone, and I just feel bad if I just chuck a messy load to others. I haven't even finished claiming my claims!

Today, I was perceived by my colleagues as a girl who has never been into the kitchen before. I thought it was not a bad perception because at least I have an excuse to laze around while waiting to be served with food. =D

Sick. Nose is watering like a leaked tap.

Off to Singapore tomorrow.

The End of March

2010-03-23T04:17:00.001+08:00

It's been 3 months since January and I think I've been progressively keeping my 2010 resolutions quite well. Looks pretty encouraging so far.

1. Leave my hair long enough and eventually cut it in a way so that I can look like Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill. (That way, chikopeks will be subtly warned by possible disembowelment before they can pull out some hanky panky)

FULFILLED - I can only entrust the cutting off of 8 inches of my beloved fringe to Florence from A Cut Above in Midvalley. The last time I had a fringe was in primary. In my heart, I was afraid that a fringe will make my high cheekbones even more prominent and protruding as it usually does to people with round cheeks. Apparently, the trick was to make sure the thickness of your fringe is balanced with your face shape; in my case, it had to be thicker to align with my face contours. I went in the saloon being told how little resemblance I had with my sister and went out being told that we totally look alike.

2. Cease sleeping at inhumane hours and start to be more disciplined when it comes to my internet/manga/gaming addiction.

HALFWAY THERE - It's impossible to sleep at such peaceful and quiet time with little distraction to whatever you're doing. At this moment, I'm only addicted to the net (manga occasionally, gaming very rarely) so I suppose it frees up more time for other activities.

3. Make it a habit to be punctual for everything (not just the things I like). Cease procrastination.

HALFWAY THERE - I'm proud to say I'm still very much on time for the things I deem important. I suppose I'm more punctual to family occasions, but I'm still quite terrible for work and class.

4. Save my skin every way possible.

NO - I'm really upset to say that my skin has been fluctuating from so-so to terrible. After March, I'm most probably going to do something drastic to it. My skin is in high priority now after my hair.

5. Study hard, get good grades.

NO - I gave my watered down best. Results aren't out yet. Fingers crossed.

6. Pursue my passion aggressively without holding back. Be brave, be strong.

DEFINITELY - Everyday, I'm moving forward without any major hesitation.

7. Eliminate the poisons and toxins in my life. (ie. negativity, paranoia, insecurity)

ON AND OFF - This one needs constant practice, and there are times I just slip (usually because of my genetic make-up and tendency to suffer from mood swings). Some days, I'm really glad of my life. Some days, I really just want to evaporate. Today, I'm relatively fresher and more grounded.

8. Meet Choi Siwon (and the rest of the Super Junior) in concert this March.

FULFILLED 10/13 - Because Geng, Bum and In weren't there despite being on the promotional posters. Fulfilled just last Saturday. Yippee!

9. Endure the remaining 2.5 months of work and tie up whatever loose ends.

VERY CLOSE TO FULFILMENT - I have endured, and I have 9 days left and counting down...

10. Get another source of income.

NOT TOO BAD - I think I outdone myself in this area. All the sacrifices and committed saving for an entire year paid off and I could relax a bit more because I can let my money compound by itself and focus on doing other things that can bring income as well. It's soothing to my self esteem that I have a decent financial standing as opposed to when I first started out. Doesn't mean I'm going to laze from now onwards, just that I made it across the passing mark, no need to save like a desperate person and can look forward to a continuous growth. Relief.

11. Photograph more. Print a photo book.

HALFWAY - My camera's been working very, very hard. Found a few printing companies and when I'm good with my compilation and get some feedback about my works, I'll definitely look forward to publishing it!

12. Read like no tomorrow!~

CONSTANTLY FULFILLED - Kinda slacked on books, but I'm reading things online vigorously!

13. Cosplay another 3-5 characters this year. Attend CF 2010. Mebbe if I feel like it, attend a convention overseas.

HIATUS! - Needs to wait till I have more time in hand.

14. Launch my studio during the first half of the year.

ON THE WAY - I'm in researching status on location, prices, materials, business strategies etc. The thought of the studio is constantly on my mind and I'm mentally drawing out a blueprint for it.

15. Stop fluctuating between weights.

FULFILLED - But I'd wish to loose weight. Mine's stagnant despite esting too much or too little.

16. Travel more. 1st Quarter: Hong Kong, Italy, UK, Paris; Mid year: Melbourne (mebbe); Year end: Hong Kong (again), Japan/Taipei/Florida (Disney World!) or visit bestie in the US.

FULFILLED - Surprisingly, even though this looks like the most difficult to fulfil, but I've been travelling quite a lot this year. Few amendments though, April: Singapore; May: Adelaide, Melbourne; June: JB; August: London, Paris; September: Hong Kong probably; December: Italy. Pushes Japan till next March 11' in order to view cherry blossoms.

17. Play with my pets more! (Not like I'm playing with them any less!)

CONSTANTLY FULFILLED

18. Expand the social circle.

FULFILLED - I think my anxiety and aversion towards social occasions has improved significantly as compared to last year thanks to the influence of my Pomelo other.

19. Sponsor a child.

NOT YET - But I believe in due time, I should be able to do it.

20. Blog more.

CONSTANTLY TRYING - Lack of time is the culprit. I actually have tonnes of topics in mind to blog about.

21. Contribute physically and actually get involved in the activities of my favourite charities.

HALFWAY - When I've resigned, I hope that I can be involved more.

22. Am thinking of being a freelance photojournalist cum designer.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION - Please return again.

Grateful

2010-03-10T03:46:00.000+08:00

I am grateful to God because...

I have not suffered poverty, severe hunger, neverending debts.
I never lived in a squatter wooden house in someone else's land.
I never have to work hard in my life because eventually the one before me will pass his fortune down to me.
I can buy whatever my heart desires without contemplating about the fact that I can't even cover my basic bills.
I have great chances of education because there's someone to pay it for me.
Because of good education, I'll start off better in a job than those who cannot afford paper qualification.
After that, the capital to investing whatsoever is already lying there ready. Money makes more money which will fend me for life and the next few generations.
I don't have to work towards a retirement fund because I'm already well provided for.
I don't have to work 2 jobs a day, move to a faraway country to work work in uncomfortable positions because if not, my mother will faint in hunger.
I don't have to take a loan from the bank. I don't even have to know wtf is a down payment and monthly installments and interest p.a.
My life is secured no matter what happens.
I can get sick and not worry about medical expenses.
I can do anything and everything the poor cannot. Eg. throwing a stack of dollar bills into the sea and feel proud about it
I can 'peisi' commoners and slave drive them around because I have the power and status to do so.

SERIOUSLY. I am grateful to God.

I am very grateful to God to the point I cry tears of joy because I have a group of friends who have NEVER said ALL the above to me.

I have friends who see me as an equal, struggling through life (different forms of troubles but same levels of frustrations, despair & worries). Never once I remembered being compared or judged in that manner. They never said that even though I have problems but money makes up for it, believe that other people suffer more than I do and am not qualified to complain.

I am grateful that they do not measure my level of competency against my financial back up. Eg.: She is only skilled because her parents can afford to pay for a more prestigious college. She is only successful because her parents provided her with start up capital (+ If I had the chance / start up capital / born in her shoes, I would have succeeded too). I'm not like you, my parents cannot afford my resits so I have to work hard (as if I don't).

I am glad that people take sincere interest in my work and I am offered the chance to amuse them (with something I feel too low self esteemed to acknowledge it as 'talent'). I like it when my friends cheer me on in whatever I'm doing (even though I sometimes question whether it makes any sense to them at all). This moves me to tears even though it is just one person doing so.

Am very glad that even though I obviously flopped a thousand times in front of them or said a lot of stupid things whether I realized it or not, they don't make a big deal out of it.

I abhor it when people ask me questions like, "Is there a NEED for YOU to work HARD???" or scoff at my dreams because they think I have the privilege to do so just because I needn't give a shit about reality since that's my parents/ancestors job. They even formed a indisputable hypothesis that it would be instant death for me should I one day loose this support.

Thank God for the people who are NOT like that.

Resistance Is Futile

2010-03-01T23:49:00.002+08:00

I feel a great sadness in my heart.

I really feel like giving up.

I'm never living up to expectations. It's always never enough. It's always other people are always better than me.

So many things I've given up for the family; my dreams, my youth, my studies, my ideal career, my ideal life...

And they bite back saying I'm not good enough.

Who screwed up my future in the first place? Who put this permanent mark of punishment on my head? Who put me in this situation where I can't even lift my head up in society because I feel I am failing them? Who put me in this spiralling depression and insanity pushes me off the edge every so often?

I can't take your emotional abuse any longer.

---

Feels like my head got hit by a meteor and my eyes are burning from crying.

God, I'm a mess.

I feel as if I'm spiraling to hell.

Normally, I haven't vented this much since I left for the UK and then went to TOA. Those felt like my golden years. The last epic catastrophic phase was in Inti where everything felt absolutely hopeless; my parents refused to understand, I struggled with a subject I hated, I was socially retarded and suffered from the lack of self esteem.

I did a lot of crazy things then.. Somehow I thank God I don't resort to doing them any more.

Most of the time now, I get the feeling that I'm a shame to my family and like the only way to make up for my failure as a daughter is just end my life so that I will not continue shaming them anymore.

I am unable to be what they want me to be and I am unable to come to a compromise with them. Our ideals are impossible to coexist.

I refuse to let them destroy the next 30 years of my life.

I am unable to meet their standards, ever. Each time I achieve something, they would only raise the bar higher. First they want me to study law, then take the bar, then chamber, practice, open a legal firm, go to court, be a judge and go into politics and mebbe become GOD eventually. It realize it is impossible to satisfy them, ever.

(That's why I want to stop trying.)

I eventually start believing there is something severely wrong with me. I'm useless. I'm stupid. I take my life for granted. I daydream too much and unreceptive of reality. I'm lazy, undriven and unambitious. I'm incapable of reaching that level of intellectual and financial success. I am a failure as a human being. I fail in life. I feel as if my parents are heartbroken and devastated to have a daughter like me. I owe them so much and yet I'm defaulting in my payment to them.

Weak

2010-02-25T12:27:00.000+08:00

Recently, I feel as if I'm in another long tunnel.

There are things that inspire me for a brief moment, but I eventually fall into hopelessness again. I grow weary from constantly binging on temporary highs to convince myself that life has some meaning.

I think bout grandma, she's no longer there. I can't even walk into her room since the day she died.

Feeling a great loss and emptiness. I lost a person who cared, supported and pampered me. It's like even though I don't talk much to her, she would still somehow find out what is going on with my life and try to rectify it some way or another. I feel that no one else can make me hang on to life as strongly as she did. I kept putting off giving up because I didn't want to sadden her of all people.

Being strong is fueled by a purpose. I don't seem to have any more.

I feel as if the life I'm living is a beautiful facade. Hollow and thoroughly messed up inside. I feel insecure when I'm told that all that matters about myself is my background and all the support I'm receiving. Most of the time, I can't really tell whether people are being real to me because they appreciate who I am or some other purpose. I'm tired of being judged by my background. I hate it when people say that my achievements were because I was already compensated for and did not need effort or sacrifice.

These are the moments I wish that I would stop having the need to defend myself, because honestly I don't really care about being higher/better than thou and I don't have the extra energy to flaunt myself around.

Only lowly people who have no confidence in themselves will try to shoot at people supposedly better off than them and bring them to their level. Why don't you use your time and resources to do something more beneficial to improve your own situation instead? Everyone has problems if you don't know already.

So tired.

Wants to just cry myself to sleep and hope I'll feel better the next day.

Pressure

2010-02-22T04:31:00.001+08:00

How far can it push you?

Suffocation. There are days I wished I stopped breathing so that I cease feeling that I can only depend on air to survive. My lungs are weak, breathing is tiring.

How long do I plan to be in hiding? How long do I need to live in deprivation and constant fear?

I feel I won't make it. The milliseconds when I go off the edge thinking that everything is meaningless is enough to break my spirit.

The few things clear to me is that I'm the only one who can save myself. To survive is a tiring chore.

Life Is Made Out Of Many Surprises, So Don't Be Lazy

2010-02-17T06:14:00.000+08:00

Today... in the event of this rare, highly critical moment, I realized that my wardrobe is severely outdated.

This is what happens if I take life for granted and remain in a comfort zone believing that the few things my life will revolve around will be work, home, class and casual outings. In all 4 occasions, I tend to dress as comfortably as possible so that I will not hyperventilate, asphyxiate or faint from restricted blood circulation in my restrictive, tight clothing. Another reason I don't put much effort in dressing up to work (other than looking presentable and neat) is the logic I'm just doing paper work behind a computer and there is no motivation for me to impress or compete.

There came a moment when I got really bored with the ordinary. I want improvement. I have a need of constantly impressing because it's fun! I am no doubt a Leo; attention charges me whether I admit it or not!

Maybe it's due to the fact that everyone who came back from everywhere else looks great, and it made me miss the good old days of fashion indulgence, before I had to fend for myself and college took over.

Geez, maybe at this point I should be a naked gag-entertainer to make up for my lack of clothes.

Sei lor. Tak boleh mati.

I would say to everyone; Stop wasting your youth by not constantly dressing up. You can't wear that when you're 40.

History Repeating Itself?

2010-02-16T07:35:00.000+08:00

It came across my mind that there are certain attitudes I don't like about myself. My guilty pleasure comes from fooling around, never being seriously committed to anything or anyone. Once I've attained something, I would ditch it aside because I have lost interest due to the lack of excitement from the challenge.

I honestly think I should settle down and be more appreciative of the things I'm given instead of constantly pursuing the temporary highs of 'the chase'.

I kinda figured, if this continued, I'll probably end up with nothing but the memories of my 'achievements'.

Shopping For Chinese New Year Part I

2010-02-12T04:37:00.000+08:00

I found some really awesome print shirts I would love to buy. I'm thinking of getting 1-2 pairs of dresses at the moment. No good results at the moment. Shopping for clothes will continue tomorrow.

Today, I met a guy who had the potential to be the next Kim Jae Joong...

He had the same... serious cleavage.

The new Kopitiam in Green Town is so glamourous! I definitely love the new modernity of Ipoh.

Good Bye My (Social) Life

2010-02-10T22:14:00.001+08:00

That's right. I got expulsed from FB and I don't even know why...

Right now I'm in Level 100 denial mode, denying all the loss that will cause me severe heartache once acknowledged (ie. lost precious messages, pictures, 3+ years of FB memoralia and most painfully the games I spent 1 year+ leveling up)

Just sent an email to FB hoping to clarify everything up. Glimmer of hope.

Recently, I did have thoughts of wanting to quit FB (but was stopped because I'm too hooked on the games) and today my bestie said she wanted to ditch FB too, not to mention Duck has already led the 'pemberontakan' last month.

FB is FUN, but fun has its pros and cons. Some of the cons overcome the pros by a great deal. FB is temptation. It's not evil but it leads and opens you to evil.

This is like a scenario "I'll break up with you before you break up with me to save my ego." Well done, FB.

Twitter Is The Answer

2010-02-07T10:00:00.002+08:00

I apologize for the lack of updates; 2-5 posts a month. I wouldn't claim that I'm too busy to blog. Honestly, I enjoy writing about stuff if not for feeling listless most of the time. This is probably due to the lack of social interactions to maintain my need to communicate at above average level.

I mean seriously, what can I expect in my position?

At home, mum's constantly occupied with grandpa, the lil bro and the household in general (plus the only times when we do get to talk, we go at each others' neck and stop talking for the next few days).

Sis and I have totally opposite sleeping patterns. She's awake when I'm asleep, vice versa. Otherwise she'll be occupied by the internet or going to class on weekends when I'm at home.

Dad's always away from home (like how most dads are on important business). Kinda remind me when I was young. I only get to see him like 30 minutes a week on average.

My buin is the only existing same-aged friend I have here and she works inhumane hours. Meets up about once a month.

Thank God for my cousin who I'm able to, on regular basis, do a lot of nonsense with that not every normal human will accept. But he's leaving to Melb like... damn soon.

The same goes with some of my friends who work in KL but come back every 1-3 months.

Colleagues are well, you know colleagues. I try to not be a total anti-social and go out for lunches with them occasionally.

The total amount of people don't even amount to 2 hands!!

Okay it's not like anyone's fault but my own for being a hermit.

Anyways, even if I'm not posting up a full post, I'll definitely be spamming a lot of short updates with my Tweets. Had my account for like ages, but only now I'm able to put it in good use! It's a lame excuse, but I'll be trying to open up a bit more whenever possible. Definitely not going to strengthen the idea that I'm an antisocial. ;P

My Health Points Are Depleting Faster Than I Can Sneeze

2010-02-02T08:38:00.000+08:00

*Heavy emo post ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

The weather is erratic. It is more often than not hot like hell in the afternoon and sometimes there are crazy thunderstorms in the evening. Both of these contribute to my lethargy.

Recently, I've been spiraling downwards. My appetite is all messed up. Sometimes, I over binge emotionally than out of hunger. Sometimes, I can't stomach the things I eat. I sleep too much, because it's the best way of escape from reality, but when I wake up I feel 10 times worst than before. Every morning for the past 500+ days, I would agonize over why didn't I die in my sleep... because I really hate waking up to find that my life is the same old crap.

I thought going back to college will somewhat make me happier, somewhat it does. It's like the 10% I look forward to and it's the only thing that gets me going and disarms the reasons for being suicidal. The cup is still 90% empty, despite finally making some progress.

I work like an dazed, emotionless puppet in the office. I can just drown myself in work for the whole 8 hours without talking unless I'm spoken to on urgent matters. Stacie Orricco's 'There's Gotta Be More To Life' came on air one day.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I feel a huge black hole in my life. I myself find it weird claiming so. I have my room, my large number of pets, my less than ordinary garden and its perks, house parties ever so frequently, maids at my disposal, family... Despite that all, I feel hollow and unhappy. Why. Living in this household signifies eternal hopelessness and despair.

People will give it all to be in my place. Why am I so burdened by the fact that there is a price to pay living such a life? Why do I feel so pained everyday? Why am I being disgusted with indulging in expensive food and luxuries? Why is this the ideal life and why am I being forced to believe so?

Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared of not having a roof above my head, it is unthinkable. I'm scared of enslaving myself to a job I hate just to keep that roof above my head. I'm not even qualified to worry about not being able to eat abalone constantly at this rate. In fact, having enough money to eat McDs is well sufficient and contenting.

I grew up being fed with words that my parents will give me everything as long as I do what I'm told. I stopped believing that long before graduation. Every living moment was a step to be independent of them.

I blogged about this with all honesty this time because I couldn't sleep with a rock in my heart. I have no other way of expressing myself without someone passing judgment.

It's hard going through days silently. Not daring to complain that you hate your job because some other people are redundant or laid off. Not daring to complain about your family because obviously other people have it worst. I'm loosing faith in the family system. I should have nothing to complain about. My life is great (on the surface) to a lot of people. If I looked through their eyes, I would give it a rating of 9.0 out of 10.0.

Personally, being a human with feelings and individualistic judgment, I feel that my life has gone so wrong in so many ways, that if there was a reset button, I will hit it without hesitation. This game is so doomed, it does not deserve to see the daylight. That's the extent of how ashamed am I of my life. I'm serious when I said I want to reincarnate into a snail, as I feel it has more worthiness in its existence.

Despite being trying to be positive, have fun, do the things I thought I liked, the best I could do is temporary distraction. I can't stand this constant relapse of emotions and realize nothing has changed. I thought I was progressing but when I look closer, I never progressed at all but only built a facade over the starting point. This pisses me off completely. All the time and effort invested at doing something but it only manages to distract me from the main problem temporarily.

Totally feels like crap.

McD's Marathon

2010-01-28T02:56:00.000+08:00

I am glad that despite having McDs at least once a week after 10pm, I have not outgrown my pants at all.

This week's highlights are as follows:-

1. Major blowout with mum. I don't want to go into the gory details but the silent treatment lasted 3.5 days and we're still tensed until today. The weird thing is that I make one minor cold, slicing remark (the size of an ice shard) and she looses it but my sister can aim at her a flame thrower at 300 degrees Celsius for the entire evening but nothing is brought over to the next morning. Mebbe it's because she thinks I'm often the one who knows better between the two, so any transgression by me becomes 20x more severe. Sigh. Unfortunately, she needs to get used to the fact that she can't throw her weight around 100% of the time and not expect people to retaliate. I'm no longer settling to be their subdued puppet for life.

2. I went into the wrong class for the 3rd time this semester. Actually, they changed rooms and didn't even make mention about it (again).

3. About studying at PIA, I can tell you that it's so much more relaxed than TOA. As in a thousand times. *avoids rotten tomatoes from former TOA classmates* College life here is totally different. Apparently, I'm not the only one who works part time and attends class. It's normal practice. A lot of students here come from Chinese background hence the heavy domination of Mandarin and loud talking people. (It's okay, I overcame my culture shock after week 2. I'm a painfully shy person but am actually very easy to be friends with *nonchalantly pushes the initiative of making friends to other people*)

I am learning a tonne. In one class, I think I am learning more than I did in 2 weeks in TOA. The lecturers here are very technically orientated and they tell you everything to its finest detail. I wouldn't call this spoon feeding because all these are things we paid to learn and to improve ourselves on. In TOA, I think what they are trying to do is force your creative juices to keep pumping even though when you're asleep. (I remember moaning in agony as I squeezed my brain for inspiration for my Typo class)

Assignment wise, the style is really informal and casual. For example, TOA expects us to generate ideas and print out our research and progress every week. I spent more on printing/materials more than I ate. I had to print stacks of paper every week in TOA but I was only asked to show my lecturer my works through my camera's LCD. (o,O) They never compel us to splurge on materials. I think there are pros and cons to this.

Pros: Not all of us are that well off, hence we will try to save as much as possible and use only the necessary. In TOA, I remembered I got a C- because my printed research was only 1/10th the thickness of my classmate's (who got an A). Based on the amount of research compiled, it was no doubt a well deserving grade. On the other hand, I thought the idea of having every student using this unreasonable amount of resources for school work is total BS. Our so-called research consisted of information printed out directly out of Wikipedia and other web content, and there wasn't an ounce of self effort in modifying the contents. If that was the case, I would have just listed the URL and let the lecturer go online and read it. (Off the record, but if this happened in Law school, we would have been expelled on the spot.) This thick RM20-50+ research folio becomes useless right after the lecturer goes through it and gives us our grade. Being a environmentalist, that would be an equivalent of hacking a plank out of a tree. Plus, look we're just students, most of us are not even working and some of us are being supported by scholarships.

Cons: There is a sense of high professionalism in TOA's upbringing of its students. It's so strict and demanding, it's not even funny. I believe that being in the art stream, one has to be passionate and work harder than any other stream because this is a field that most traditional people look down upon. If you can't even pass through this kind of hard training, it will be a struggle for you to make it in the industry. It is a given that only by showing your effort and your works in the most attentive way is the best habit for an artist at the expense of your health, sanity and finances. However, I'm ambiguous as to whether training this hard will burn out anyone's passion and interest. It really depends on the person. I think that one with the constant will to surpass his limitations and overcome his obstacles will shine the brightest in the end.

4. Work. Work is like a curse cast upon the less financially fortunate people of this world. You are bound to it and will suffer severe consequences should you break free from it but at the same time you are so discontented and grieved by the fact that you need to endure it. Work is a security and yet a constraint to your life. Give up your mortgage, car loan, insatiable lust for luxuries and the unnecessary kids (the spawns of your uncontrolled sexual desires or a broken condom) so that you can break free from this bondage of repaying everyone else but yourself. But humans are greedy and impatient creatures and will break their backs to satisfy their never ending desires. They use someone else's money to cover up their own debt and keep doing that until they die unsatisfied because their debts are never settled. When will they realize that the only cure to their torment of not having enough is moderation and control over their finances and stop spending and borrowing money like a crazed monkey?

Anyways, on a lighter note, 45 days till retirement day from the firm. LOL.

Time Come Back To Me

2010-01-17T20:25:00.004+08:00

Today is exactly the 4th month since Po passed away. Feels more than half a year.

Buin is supposed to bring over our puppy 25 minutes ago. Mum and I are still waiting patiently in the warm living room. She's blonde, introverted and we're (tentatively) going to name her Lucky. (Pun combination of her parents name, Larry and Suki)

As an attempt to keep me from falling into afternoon slumber, I shall blog about my 2010 resolutions.

2. Cease sleeping at inhumane hours and start to be more disciplined when it comes to my internet/manga/gaming addiction.

3. Make it a habit to be punctual for everything (not just the things I like). Cease procrastination.

4. Save my skin every way possible.

5. Study hard, get good grades.

6. Pursue my passion aggressively without holding back. Be brave, be strong.

7. Eliminate the poisons and toxins in my life. (ie. negativity, paranoia, insecurity)

8. Meet Choi Siwon (and the rest of the Super Junior) in concert this March.

9. Endure the remaining 2.5 months of work and tie up whatever loose ends.

10. Get another source of income.

11. Photograph more. Print a photo book.

12. Read like no tomorrow!~

13. Cosplay another 3-5 characters this year. Attend CF 2010. Mebbe if I feel like it, attend a convention overseas.

14. Launch my studio during the first half of the year.

15. Stop fluctuating between weights.

16. Travel more. 1st Quarter: Hong Kong, Italy, UK, Paris; Mid year: Melbourne (mebbe); Year end: Hong Kong (again), Japan/Taipei/Florida (Disney World!) or visit bestie in the US.

17. Play with my pets more! (Not like I'm playing with them any less!)

18. Expand the social circle.

19. Sponsor a child.

20. Blog more.

21. Contribute physically and actually get involved in the activities of my favourite charities.

22. Am thinking of being a freelance photojournalist cum designer.

Items to aim for in 2010 (following priority)

Nikon 18-200mm lens (by March, because I must take photographs of Choi Siwon up-close)
a Macro Lens (considering the 105mm)
a Speed Light
Sky Light Filter for Lens
Studio Lighting System (Profoto Lamps! *swoon*)

(Mr. Phoon can look forward to good business this year)

Ipod Replacement Parts
Audio Technologica Headphones (at the next PC Fair)
Apple iMac 27-inch Quad Core Home System; fell in love with it's divine performance (December 10' PC Fair)
A house before the year ends (while they're still having the 50% stamp duty discount), if I find the right one.

The Good vs. The Bad

2010-01-14T13:59:00.002+08:00

It's 2 weeks into the beginning of the New Year, I hope everyone is still feeling the excitement of new resolutions and have things to look forward to this year. Whatever negative things that have taken place, it is time to move on and leave them with 2009; behind and seize the future!

Been really occupied recently by various things! I have a couple of unfinished draft blog posts pending because I don't have enough time to finish typing them...

Anyway this is my personal summary of 2009:-

Suffered Quarter Life Crisis.
Establishing the Chiko Guild December 2008.
Read a TONNE.
Thought about a lot of things MEGATONNE.
Argued and debated with myself every waking moment.
Learned Japanese.
Organized BBQ, steamboat, buffet, tea time, supper on large scale.
Worked for a year. Thats like H*LY achievement to me because I'm surprised I could endure it for so long considering the fact that I'm supposed to H* the nature of my job. Throughout the whole time, I never verbalized my feelings in complaints about my job because there's no point making myself feel worst about it plus I knew I had to have this job for divine reasons.
Saving enough money for 2 years of college and made it way above my targeted amount which allows me to do more mighty things in the upcoming days. I sacrificed a year of luxuries, not going out for fancy food, shopping or entertainment. I had to cut a lot from my daily expenses. I discovered I could actually survive on drinking Milo for lunch for a week if I had to...
Despite the frugal lifestyle, I am capable of paying my own bills, maintenance and still have a little extra to donate to charity. Am also happy that I was able to give nice birthday and Christmas presents to my family and friends.
Discovered K-Pop and its ecstasy inducing properties which played a major part in pulling me through my depression which could have f*king killed me throughout the entire year.
Fell head over heels in love TWICE. Thank God for Siwon and Taeyang, because they're the reason my heart is still beating (with excitement) everyday.
I still managed to have fun within a reasonable budget; the occasional outstation trips within the country (ie. Cameron Highlands, Penang, JB, KL) karaoke and food sessions, Lost World of Tambun and its Petting Zoo!
Was invited as a photographer for a couple of public events.
Broke my Baby. Got back Baby. Realizes how important Baby was to me after we were separated for 3 months and nearly lost him. Vows to take care of him better from now onwards. (My D40x)
Worked as a waitress and experienced my first case of open sexual harassment. After that experience though, I feel as that it is a given that I should have more pride in myself and that it is totally your right to stand up for yourself and learn to protect yourself (and slap the bloody bastard if needed). With my qualities, I don't NEED to work in these kind of places.
Totally losing hope in my parents.
Po passed away in September. Feels as if I have a had part blown off my brain (numb and empty). It's a part where I still find painful to think about.
Feels genuinely the honour and love of taking care of our elders. Feels like I wanna spoil my goong goong now.
Feels liberated because I don't feel as if I will definitely die pathetically if I can't live off my parents at the expense of giving up my dreams and being a doormat.
Applied for Art College ONCE AGAIN!!! This time I was TOTALLY independent.
Finds a magnetic bracelet which greatly minimizes the pain in my wrist.
Handled a 1 million case.
Got pissed drunk and fainted in a bar. Never again.
Comic Fiesta 2009 was the epic and glorious end of 2009. Finally debuted officially as a cosplayer! And we did quite well too. Met a lot of new like-minded friends.
Lost 4 kg in a week. Gained 2 back the week after.
Welcoming Jack, QQCupcake (the joy of my life), Snow, Franny and later Lucky this year into the family.
Discovered my passion, my pulse and my purpose in life. My troubles have only succeeded in inflaming my determination and my demonic kiasu-ness.
At the end of the year, I feel that I'm a much stronger person in every aspect. Survived my Quarter Life Crisis.
I still believe in love. On a much greater scale than before.
Realizes I'm way much better off than a lot of people and wishes to contribute help every chance I get.

Karma

2010-01-12T02:19:00.000+08:00

For slapping you, I am slapped awake by nightmares.

For giving you a nosebleed, my heart is torn and bleeding profusely.

I ignored you in need hence I'm ignored in return.

I took you for granted all the damn time, so why should you care?

I first abandoned you but why do I feel like the one abandoned?

I didn't wait, neither did you.

I couldn't decide, so I can't blame you if you couldn't.

I pretended I didn't care, what can you do but take me seriously...

I'd never said I love you, I'd never said it seriously, I'd never committed, I'd never cherished, I gave up so easily, I don't know what to think or feel any more.

The Inner Gamer In Me

2009-12-19T02:56:00.001+08:00

OH my chikopek. Playing games is a form of denial and a temporary escape from the world! This is not a good time to get hooked on playing games. I have way too much to do. I put off sewing costumes for two whole days for the reason of trying to unlock every single mini game, puzzle, hidden quests and buy all the items in PvZ. It must stop.

Cleaning my room is a never ending process. It's always so messy and cluttered. I did loads of organizing but somehow, it looks no different than before. WHY do I have so many things...

Anyways, this is my 2009 Xmas Wishlist:-

1) Books on Investing in Real Estate/Stock Market/Forex (in that particular order);
2) Listerine Mouthwash
3) AA Batteries (for various reasons)
4) A5 sized refill paper for my Daily Planner

(Note: I prefer not to receive stuffed toys, home ornaments, food, accessories, bottles, boxes or anything that would take space in my already out of control cluttered room and my bloated stomach. XD)

Misses Blogging, Misses My D40x

2009-12-15T13:58:00.000+08:00

Phoon Photo, Ipoh is a xxxx. I probably would recommend people to buy camera stuff from this shop (because some item prices can be negotiated lower than other places) but DO NOT bring it for repairs.

1. The number 1 reason is for unreasonably slow and inefficient service. 1 whole month to get a QUOTE. And after endless phone calls everyday since beginning of October. Fotokem replied me within 2 hours and promised 2 weeks repair. It is Month 3 and D40x still is nowhere to be seen. Promised to be delivered to me last week of November for my Hong Kong trip but they failed miserably.

2. He does not tell you that there are RM50 handling fees and minimum RM80 (he imposed RM120 at first, and I reacted horrified) for diagnosing your camera. He only informs you after sending your camera to KL.

3. Technician fees are so much higher without reason. Initial total was RM690, before I managed to negotiate it to RM640. Fotokem quoted RM540 (inclusive of handling charges and misc.) And even if I didn't want to get it fixed, I still have to pay RM120 as ransom for my camera returned to me.

4. He claims that its expensive because his technicians are professional. Yeah right, professional to the point where they had to send it back to KL for the 2nd time because the repairs were FAULTY. I mean, shouldn't the PROFESSIONAL technicians check whether everything was perfect before sending it out again?! And they didn't even have the courtesy to inform me. They asked me to come collect it and I went there (for the 3rd time) just to be let down again.

I Hate Bus Rides

2009-12-14T14:56:00.000+08:00

Because I'm claustrophobic and I don't like the feeling of staying in an inescapable position. The only space is your assigned seat. Any longer than 20 minutes is a torture. This explains why I chose my accommodations freakishly near my work/study place. In Inti, Block D was the fourth nearest. In Newcastle, Lovaine was the nearest (plus I lived in the front flat). My apartment in Puchong was 10 minutes away from TOA (by KL standards, its unbelievable to have ANYTHING less than half an hour). Finally, my current firm and college is within walkable distance of 5-8 minutes. Because I have to do it everyday, and I refuse to waste my time on traveling, rinse and repeat. Bus rides to anywhere out of town is a sacrifice. A major one. Therefore Jojo should know how privileged she is that I meld my ass in the bus for 7-9 hours and risk getting molested by dodgy men.

And today I still hate bus rides more than ever. I hate it because I am reminded that there was a time I used to look forward riding the bus.

I'm Flattered

2009-12-13T23:11:00.002+08:00

Sega came out with a video game inspired by my image.

Franny Benny!

2009-12-13T16:12:00.000+08:00

My Weekend in KL

2009-12-07T00:25:00.002+08:00

I'm typing this on the bus home. Trying to rush to make it in time for Hun Yee's birthday dinner! I'm so under schedule, I think I could only reach by 8?! Feels like I'm going to be killed.

The PC Fair was on this weekend. I bought an FM transmitter, a foldable table (the kind that allows you to online on the bed or maybe breakfast in bed) and a 2 GB RAM for my netbook. The up side was that items which were not sold in Ipoh were available and prices of certain things were slashed down signficantly. There was a lot of other things I really wanted to get ie: Audio Technologica headphones which were both stylish and sounded brilliant. Mebbe I'll get it at the next fair.

My thoughts about KL after leaving it for nearly a year:-

Expenditure is like living in Hong Kong or eating at the airport where they hike up prices by 3 times. In just the weekend. I used up an amount of phone credit of what I would normally last 1/2 a month. On food, I used up what would have lasted me 3 months in survival mode. As for shopping, I felt as if having RM200 in your pocket would have severely unqualified to walk into a shopping department.

I think to myself, how do people survive here when everything is so pricey and wages so little? RM2k a month or less is totally dangerous to be living here. What more those foreign workers getting as little as 700? It saddens me to see foreign workers being hired for cheap labour and working in spaces as smaller than my 4x5 bathroom for less than 1k a day especially in a grnad luxurious place like KLCC where other people would be spluging on overpriced luxuries.

As a result, I don't think I would like to go back to work in KL. It gives me a very saddening feeling.

December; The Beginning Of The End

2009-12-04T13:53:00.000+08:00

You guys won't guess from where I'm blogging this. :P

In case, everyone's wondering why have I been missing in action for the past few weeks, it's because the wireless connection in my office died during the period I left for Hong Kong. I getting on about fixing it because it is a huge inconvenience and my sanity is on the verge of breaking.

Anyways, speed update:-

1) Applied for art college and I got exempted for about a semester and I'm allowed to cross-attend classes between the first semester and second. So I may be able to graduate slightly faster than I expected!~ Fees hasn't been calculated out yet and I'm keeping fingers crossed. School starts on the 4th next month.

2) I'm not sure whether I'll still be working in January (coz I will be having about 8 classes per week apparently!), but in my heart, I deeply wish to continue working... To think that my income will stop after resigning is rather troubling.

3) I'm collecting my DSLR today.

4) I'm going to KL tomorrow for the weekend.

5) I'm going to KL again on the 20th Sunday for Comic Fiesta 2009 for a day trip.

11 Things To Be Happy About in November

2009-11-17T23:26:00.000+08:00

1. Finally settled my withdrawal from TOA and they sent over my official transcripts without much trouble!

2. Will be applying to PIA this Friday and am looking forward to know what's gonna be in for me next year. (On the side note, life is screwing with me having my SPM and LAN results disappear at this crucial moment)

3. I am expecting my DSLR baby to be back by the end of the week! Very happy to have him back (yes, it's a male).

4. Emergency money has flown in from the sky! Not really from the sky lar, but small payments being received here and there from different people which will lessen my burden.

5. My cosplay plans/sewing projects for the next 2 months! I have my paraphernalia laid out and ready.

6. My hair is fluffy, neat and trimmed off its split ends. Wants to make big dolly curls out of it just for the fun of it. Prolly thinking of dying it later on.

7. Hong Kong for a week this Sunday. Am looking forward to intensive year end shopping after delaying gratification for so long.

8. Can't wait for incoming Xmas festivities. Looking forward that certain people will be back in Ipoh soon.

9. House is going through a major makeover. It's going to look grand for the New Year.

10. Some of the overdue mess/junk in my room has been cleared up.

11. Sun during my rainy days. Taeyang. =) Gives me so many reasons to play the piano again.

Good Morning Ipoh!!!

2009-11-12T21:34:00.001+08:00

he first thing I would like to say after waking up to yet another day to my otherwise mundane life is that...

Kim Hyun Joong is getting hotter every waking moment.

The leader of SS501 oozing with coolness.

In BOF, he was prince charming Yoon Jihoo.So romantic.

And now in their latest MV, he got this really bad ass hair cut which makes him look like a vampire prince* combo with his already amazing dance moves.

*Everyone who knows me well enough, knows I have a thing for vampiric guys. XD

*Attacked by mini fangirl spasms*

I am totally aware that my sister posted this MV on her blog, but because it's so hot I have to post it again.

The second major announcement I need to say is that at Park Jung Min is the smexiest wave dancer in South Korean Entertainment. 1:03 is proof. Like, OMG, wicked chio man. My sis and I find that he has really long and sexy legs while Hyun Joong's chest is more attractive than a woman's. I must say that throughout this whole MV, I wasn't even aware of the female character in it...

Check out PJM's super long, slim legs...

AND the most important announcement for the day, is about Taeyang (from Big Bang). IT'S OFFICIAL. XD

Like WHY?! For the record, I always liked the bishonen/lengzhai type. Muscles and hot abs were never came together with my name in the same sentence. I think CUTE and HOT makes an irresistible combo. Hates wearing low cuts because he feels exposed, but goes topless in his performances.

Taeyang's very boyish. Very powerful on stage. But shy in front of girls. AW.

He looks warm and humble in person.

Sarang hae YoungBae.

Petition for Steph's New Hairstyle on Monday

2009-11-07T17:44:00.000+08:00

Pretty right? Steph with soft curls giving her the very natural and fresh look. As both of them have similiar face shape, I think that this hair will suit her.

Everyone please come give your support before my sister comes back from baking class!

I photoshoped this to prove it to her that it looks good. >3<

Picture courtesy of random Steph's FB profile pic and Sunny (SNSD) from the net.

D40x

2009-11-02T23:25:00.006+08:00

My dearest DSLR,

You must not realize how much pain your absence has put me through since July. It is now November. And you're still not fixed thanks to a fellow who has the ability to procrastinate at an even higher level than me on your recovery. As much as I wish for your speedy recovery, I am pained by the repair quoted by this evil Nikon technician who thinks I was born yesterday and he's the only existing technician in the world. What a nerve to charge me 150 extra than normal. Even if you return to me coated with gold lining after his God-like repair, I personally don't need much except for what is necessary.

I have my needs (to photograph) and you denied them time and again because of your physical defects. Did you not realized I've missed out photographing the important moments of my life this year ie. my birthday, my sister's birthday, my grandmother's funeral, various dinner parties and outings, building my photography portfolio, my fashion/cosplay shoots, random interesting events I would die to shoot and photoblog about.

I only received my precious 50mm within a month after saving like crazy and am burning with enthusiasm to try it out.

I'm so way being in practicing and I have a tonne of projects in mind. And I'm in a dilemma right now whether to get you fixed or just replace you with a new body but that would deal severe damage to my finances.

After all the emotional trauma and distress you've put me through, I wish to end this endless torment and uncertainty that you will be able to last our already doomed union (even after I get you fixed, who knows when you'll betray me again).

I honestly want to divorce you.

And elope with the Canon 5D Mark II. And ditch Nikon altogether.

...

My dearest DSLR,

I bought you with my hard earned allowance saved up for months by eating crackers every day in college. When I bought you from the Camera Fair in September 2007, you were the biggest commitment in my life. My Olympus Myu was stolen by some creep in Barcelona that summer and I was mad on buying a camera which had godlike shutter speed than normal cameras. More than ever, I bought a Nikon because I truly believed in its capabilities after months of research.

Maybe at the back of my mind, I wanted a DSLR so badly because a close friend of mine had a DSLR (Sony).. In a way, it keeps us connected still even though right now we've gone separate ways and God knows whether we'll be able to meet (and talk like we used to) again.

My D40x, we've gone through -8 degrees in Korea, 30 degrees in Malaysia, rain, sun, beach, snow and anywhere possible. Whenever I'm with you, it's as if we're off to Wonderland because everything else feels oblivious. I wear you like how a soldier would wear his rifle to war.There were the times your presence enhances my presence in society, giving me the honourable role of event photographer. You've brought me many new friends who were interested in both of us and became an important conversation starter especially among my photographer friends.

And then, you're the proof that people admire what I'm doing despite their constant nagging about how I am neglecting my role of becoming a lawyer. Without you, I wouldn't have enough positive factors to convince myself of my own self worth to the people around me. You materialized my talent and emphasized on my abilities. You projected my thoughts through images. You were my artificial right hand to draw when my own right hand died on me.

In short, you have brought with you whatever my existing happiness in order to look to the past and future with smiles. With you, I immortalized memories, even of the people that I have lost and I won't be able to see again. My po. My first love I broke my heart loving. People whom I don't know whether I will see again the rest of my life.

My D40x. My first DSLR. I will make sure you'll get fixed and come back home. And we will continue our journey of creating many more wonders...

Ha Ha

2009-10-12T11:42:00.000+08:00

I must be a f*king masochist.

I've honestly told myself before that I'm never keen in putting myself into compromising situations because I don't have what it takes when it eventually f*ks my up mind and emotions.

I suppose since I acted out of uncontrollable curiousity and insecurity, this is exactly the reults I have to put up with for the rest of my life. So much for instant gratification and deliberate ignorance of common sense.

Like look, you've made it thus far, there is no point in looking back and letting out the skeletons in the closet. Leave it alone and don't look back and let it drag you back to the past.

I wished my heart stopped beating. I feel awfully sick.

September Ended, So wake Up.

2009-10-04T18:10:00.000+08:00

My brother is doing his homework by himself... So impressed.

Sis has started baking class across the road. Bro and I just finished up the donuts she brought back yesterday.

Backtrack all the things going on during Sept:-

On top of my ongoing depression attacks, Po passed away mid-Sept. I don't think I'm even ready to talk about it in detail yet. Just that, I feel rather indifferent towards it all, but maybe deep into my subconsciousness, it robbed a huge part of motivation and support. Always kinda thought po would be around to see me get married. But alas, even after meeting all the boyfriends of my younger counterparts, I have yet to bring home someone who (I assume) is worthy of her approval. But yeah, her standards are super high x1,000,000... so probably this person does not exist in this world, so impossible I can find.

What was good was that my cousins came back for the funeral. Always good to see family. And everyone took turns treating dinner, which meant we had good food for about 5 days in a row.

Went to the petting zoo twice in Tambun after the cremation and burial 2 days in a row with different people.

Oh work is exhausting my batteries... Must think of more things to amuse myself.

This Is Not An Ordinary Phase

2009-09-07T18:18:00.000+08:00

But yet again, there is always a rock bottom to every phase and eventually after you've managed to hit it, all you will be going is back UP.

I realized that sometimes, all the constant support, encouragement and advise from your friends and family only succeeds in justifying your self pity and sometimes make you feel even rotten about yourself.

However, it just takes a small jolt from your enemy to get you to pull yourself together and stop continuing to make yourself look like an idiot and a loser.

Thank God for enemies. He has a purpose for everything.

I Prayed To God And There You Were

2009-09-01T00:09:00.001+08:00

I sometimes think that, this joke of life has gone too far. Speaking about building you up and letting you fall from the highest position that you'd break.

This has happened just time and again, it doesn't even surprise me any more, but it still hurts like hell when it does. At this moment, I become really confused. Have I done something wrong to deserve this? Are just all the people I manage to meet and think are good people are wolves in sheeps' skin instead? Why do they even exist to harm other people?

Throughout my whole life, I have only seriously prayed for one thing to God. I don't think it has been answered and I'm getting extremely impatient and exasperated at all the walls I've been hitting.

It's like my entire world is shattered. I don't even have an obsession to distract me. I just lost passion for everything I used to find joy to; anime, comics, cosplaying, video games, reading, holidaying, plays, good food, musicals, art... My spirit is dead. Everything feels meaningless and unfulfilling. I have this black hole in my heart and nothing is able to fill it.

Honestly, I hope that I would just black out. Anytime. There is nothing in this world that is holding me..

I berasa emo. Terasa nak mega MIA. Don't want to talk to people.

Let's hope this week is a better week.

The Parable of the Carrot

2009-08-31T23:41:00.004+08:00

For the past 10 years, a horse had been led to perform all sorts of tricks and labour with a promising carrot. It eventually grew sick and tired of pursuing the damn carrot dangling 2 feet in front of it, but eternally never within its reach. It decided to knock the farmer who has been riding on its back and screw the carrot. The horse had been made a sucker, a slave who would bend its back just to have a bite of that stupid carrot.

So one day, it decided to plant its own carrots for its own consumtion. But the farmer, being angry and jealous of the horse's independence and success laughed at the horse's efforts in attempt to humiliate its efforts. He said that his efforts were futile and useless. How could a horse, who had been relying on the food the farmer provided for it suddenly grow carrots?! Impossible.

Eventually, after a few weeks of planting and watering the carrots they grew and was ready for harvesting. However the farmer was displeased and tried to humiliate the horse again, saying that the crops were nothing to be proud about and that his produce was much better because he had better machinery and a bigger plot of land.

However, the horse continued his efforts to grow carrots; sell them and buy new seeds and made profit and eventually his effort paid off and it was able to own its own farm. The farmer continued complaining, nagging, demoralizing and insulting the horse with negativity and lived a very unhappy and unfulfilled life, being judgemental of others while his crops suffered.

The moral of the story; is to have the courage to break free from people who only have negativity to offer and try to make you their slave forever by breaking your spirit, dreams and ambition because it helps them feel better about themselves when they put you down. When you were young and weak, they could still use the 'carrot' to control you, because you had no skills nor ability to farm for yourself. Once you manage to achieve these skills, they become envious and threatened by you and try to bring you down to their level.

To lead a happy and fulfilling life; treat their constant nagging as water flowing out the drain into the recycling system of Indah Water. Never loose sight of your dreams because, yes they are worth fighting for. They are the reason and purpose you were born onto earth and if would be the greatest crime if you go against nature. Your dreams are who you are and what you're here for. You are fighting for 'yourself'.

Before I Crash

2009-08-26T00:13:00.004+08:00

Recent nights, I have been led to believe that it was raining outside, until the moment I walk out into the living room and the sound of rain disappears. Ever since the completion of the fountain at my backyard, I have been having wonderful nights of sleep listening to the peaceful and calm sound of water.

I've been working for 2/3rds of a year now.

Sometimes, I tend to I shut myself out just to be able to put up with another day at work. I make believe that I'm doing something worthwhile in fact, it's just a smoke veil to protect myself from unnecessary 'mental' and 'logic' attacks. I'm living in a comfort zone by not rocking the boat, not defying convention and pleasing people who have such stoic and mundane mentality.

I don't like answering difficult questions. I don't like to be made to feel that I am not good enough based on other people's standards. I am human, not a doll. I have my own personality, needs and shortcomings. I don't like to be made to feel that I am only worth my background, wealth, social standing and education. I don't like it when I'm put aside because I couldn't fulfill some social requirement.

But thoughts like these are best kept to yourself. The society is a ferocious one..

Just after midnight...

I would wonder how far I can achieve during digital painting class.

I never managed to try mixed media, which looks so fun.

I wonder what other hidden abilities will TOA unlock in me.

What other like-minded people I will meet.

Speculate whether my work can make it to public display.

Continuously annoy my lecturers and classmates with my strange quirks.

I would still detest Typography class and continue to suck at it and maybe get a mediocre grade just to get it over with.

I still think about graduating. Being proud of myself for being a certified artist. Because it's the achievement of my choice. Probably paste copies of my diploma along the main roads of Ipoh out of happiness.

I can only dream...

Quarter Life Crisis

2009-08-20T19:14:00.005+08:00

I speak for everyone of my age. You are not alone.

The first judgment day in our lives is the day our results are released in Uni. It determines whether we're a degree graduate or a failure in our 14-16 years of studying. This applies only for people around my age, as it is a matter of life and death whether we exit gloriously/so-so/scrape through into society.

It's no big deal really. Getting first class will only make you a first class employee highly coveted by big companies but also the first one to get sacked during a recession since you receive the most unreasonable amount of salary. We have school dropouts making a decent living because they challenge their circumstances to find footing in the world. Nowadays, news of 12 year old children jumping off buildings because they got a 8As 1B instead of straight As is common. Thank God, I'm from the slightly earlier generation.

The second judgment day is TODAY. A year or two after being a fresh grad. When you're in your prime when you will be now judged by your capability of moving up the hierarchy of society in various categories. Your uni days will be like child's play as compared to this second coming of who is worthy to be accepted by society.

Category 1: Your Looks

Your exterior is the first layer people judge. People change at 18, for beautiful or ugly. Luck really shines on people who are physically privileged. It's easier to get discounts, favours, credibility, trust and love when you manage to look attractive. Being beautiful can get you far in life in all aspects. Your parents will love you more because of the attention, admiration and respect you receive. Yes, being beautiful is an advantage of godlike prospects. Even if you failed school, you might still be able to con a rich fart into marrying you. And when time catches up with you, you can always choose to boot, with the money of course, to survive your remaining days. At worse, you can still get pervy men to stuff money into your pockets.

But looks will fade with age, so of course we look to more practical aspects...

Category 2: Your Job

By the age of 25, considering you have successfully graduated at 22-24 with whatever result, the minimum requirement is that you should have made one step up the workplace and a few extra hundred/thousand has been added to your monthly payslip. Hopefully, by this time you would be a executive or a full fledged qualified enough to make eyes open wider by 2.3mms when you tell them about "Hi, I'm Doctor MSc. (Hons) ."

It's just an extra few words to make people tongue tied and intimidated at the length of it. Like look, you can call me Emo Moodswing Drama Queen WK. Respect Mah Authoritah!!!

Category 3: Your Salary

Ah, the measuring stick of life. Even if you're cleaning drains and eventually build up a multinational cleaning drain company and make 6 digit profits a year. You'll make it up for not being a professional.

Sadly, the burden of career advancement and higher pay is felt painfully by graduates. Your parents, having invested 20 years in building you up as an asset, expect the fruits of their labour. Yes, you've heard it right. 'THEIR' labour. So imagine that they have spent RM60k on your uni fees, accommodation and upkeep, they would expect say 10-20% interest per annum depending on how reasonable they are. You are an investment.

It's easy for those who have gotten past PMR and SPM since school is subsidised partially by the government. Plus when your parents start to nag about how little your salary is, you can blame them back for being poor and not being able to send you to college in order to get a better qualification. Stress reduced to half. Mathemathically, your debt to them is significantly reduced and a lifelong liability to pay them back is off your ass. Since they never provided you with a banglow and a big, shiny car, you don't owe them the banglow and the big, shiny car. Logic. But of course, if you manage to make it in life with just your SPM and feel generous, God bless those who are filial for they will live long.

Category 4: Your Bling

Since you're a few hundred richer by now, you should be able to at least afford credit cards, high end phones/laptops/Ipod/GPS, designer bags, posh holidays, a car and for the extra rich, your own pod. And if you manage to buy extra sets of these for your father, mother, sister, brother grandparents, aunt or say your neighbour's cat, you have indeed reached greatness. We need medals for achievements, because no one is going to be able to acknowledge that you're at the peak of your life unless they manage to spy into your bank account.

Category 5: The Person You Manage to Catch/Marry

Long since the days of wtfbbq history, who you marry is more important than what career you enter. Why? Because why work, if you could just leech of someone else's status and fortune by marrying that fellow? It's like hitting the million dollar jackpot with a dollar. Other than ensuring a well provided life for yourself and the rest of the family, the list of benefits include networking with the higher ups, instill respect and fear, live like royalty, have the son you never had through your son-in-law and make him provide you everything that you want in the ideal son that you weren't capable of giving birth to because of your ancestors' bad genes.

Finally, your failure of a daughter has done one good deed. She can forgiven for all her transgressions in life by marrying the right person. Definition of 'right' is the person your daughter couldn't be and failed to provide therefore it is her duty to find a husband to make up for her weakness, failing so, maybe it would have been a better idea to invest in a chicken rice stall.

Category 6: Your Kids

Whatever requirement they had of you, the curse will be on your entire generation. It is never enough to be born physically complete; with 2 eyes to see, a nose to smell, a mouth that smiles, and all your limbs intact and your organs functioning.

Third judgement day is when we die. We reflect on what we have done, or have not done, or should have done and start making amends with God. And we get judged all over again.

Blaming The World

2009-08-16T12:30:00.005+08:00

It's not even that time of the month yet where you can blame your hormones for acting against you and its the cause of your bad attitude and devastating moodswings.

These are the days when I believe that even when I am careful of not stepping on other people's feet, I am still actively offending people some way or another.

I'm probably old enough to cease complaining about parents. But anyhow... Sometimes, I think that my parents have a superiority complex. When they see you being docile and submissive, they start to stir up waters and get you agitated to that they can kick you back in your place again. It's like they freak out when they don't see the normal red button available for pushing and they start looking for another one.

I've only started working for half a year (and in a position of a minion) and what makes them think that I'm stable in what I'm doing? We don't even talk more than 30 minutes a month since everyone is busy with whatever they're doing. Everything now revolves around my grandmother, my brother and the pets. The only time that my mum talks to me is when she's looking for my brother or Larry or Twinkie, even when I'm lying sick in bed. Sometimes, I don't even realize that I'm someone's daughter.

I definitely know how hard it is to make money. It's hard not because it's unavailable but because of all the sacrifices I need to make just to be able to save some.

I really can't stand the condescending tone of "Use your one month salary."

Maybe it's just me being hypersensitive, but it feels as if the underlying meaning of the whole thing is that, "You're a big shot now since you have a job and a salary, pay your own bills since you're so capable. You probably don't need us anymore." Like they're trying to highlight to me how helpless I would be without them.

It's like rubbing salt into injury. I wonder how many people actually realize that I am swallowing all my pride to work in a field that I known for detesting in order to fight for a more fulfilling life.

And since I have the f*king right on how to use my salary, then I just decided not to pay. The worst is that I have to give up using it. It is just totally out of my means. I don't understand why my parents would want to place such a burden on me, very knowingly that it would cost 1/12 of my yearly pay.

I decided to buy my DSLR and my Ipod. I bought it with my own money, saved up for months. They're broken now and I expect myself to pay for the repairs when I'm capable of doing so. This is my personal investment and my responsibility to take care of them. It never even occurred to me to ask for financial help. I pay for my own Japanese classes because I want to study it without breaking budget.

Does it not occur to them that eventually, one day, I'll get married, buy my own house, have kids and want to be able to support them in food and education? And I've already started late because of their selfish demands of forcing me stay back for Form 6 (the 2 most irrelevant years of my life) and blackmailing and threatening me into studying a f*king subject I hated. I was fed with disgusting promises of a BETTER life after completing my degree, which NEVER came.

I kept my side of the promise. But f*k has changed to the better.

I do not feel any richer, nor comfortable in my life. I have to slog off everyday and fight for the crumbs of extra commission. I live on overnight food. I don't even go out, and I don't even dream of going for holidays. And right now, I have to give up my car.

Despite this, it's probably a good thing. Since they're no longer buying me, it means I have more freedom in doing whatever I want.

Frustrations Of Tomorrow

2009-08-12T18:55:00.004+08:00

Money

Everything needs money. Basically food, education, clothes, petrol, miscellaneous maintenance fees, entertainment to keep your sanity from worrying about paying for all these and even the water you use to flush away your poop needs to be billed (unless you're a regular patron of public amenities ie. the drain). We have not included income tax, interest to the bank when you take a loan for your house/car because obviously you don't have much in cash, your once in a lifetime wedding which has to be as great as possible, diapers and milk for your kids (RM50 for a pack), their education, medical bills, whims and the unpredictable.

Money becomes a problem if we expect it to be the solution to everything. It becomes a fear that the lack of it will render us helpless and desperate. Therefore, the cycle of making money lasts till the day we die. Hopefully, by that time we do not realize that we have spent our lives enslaving ourselves to something static for the sake of survival.

Money is like God on earth. You have problems, you seek it, you pray for/to it to help you, it drives you nuts when it's unavailable, more problems arise and you become emotionally dependent on it. This makes me realize that I'm wavering in my belief and religion that God will provide for many things.

When I'm sick or get into an accident, I don't pray for healing. I dig out my wallet to pay a doctor for treatment.

When I need money for whatsoever reason, I enslave my services to my boss just for the security and guarantee of seeing a paycheck come my way every month.

When you're girlfriend/wife is upset, all the consoling in the world is ineffective as compared to the appearance of diamonds or an iphone. Money makes or breaks a relationship. Girls wanna marry rich and have a good life while guys want to feel that they can make providence for their families which boosts their overall self esteem and confidence.

Maybe I got in trouble with the authorities? Just having cash in my pocket works wonders.

Honoring my parents is one of the 10 great commandments of life. To make them happy and proud of me, the greatest gift is to be a outstanding human being reflecting their upbringing of you; and that is inevitably measured by your capabilities in society; your networth and the digits of your paycheck. Because, it determines where you stand in society. The level of respect, the number of opportunities you'll get relies on the 'bullets' packed up your arsenal.

(IMO, I want my kids to grow up being kind, respectful and dignified. But I can't bear to see them starving on the streets or have no education.)

Realistically, money IS the solution to everything. I can't seem to think of anything that operates on its own in this money centered world.

Everyone must have believe that at some point of life, it is (probably) possible to be happy even without a tonne of money.

Yes, it is possible.

Give up the rat race and retire in a monastery/nunnery. Don't marry or have kids. Taking care of only yourself cuts out the burden of taking care of another 2 people at least (husband and 1 child). Do good through charity and charity will give back to you. You're heart is at peace because you're doing something for the less fortunate than you and you just stop coveting luxuries which becomes an obsession that has to be constantly fed. You'll learn to appreciate the little things in life by having less. Since you don't have money, you can sift out who are your real friends (since there's nothing to be envious of or leech off you anyways). People will respect you from the point of your core values, the charity you do becomes the focus of your character and not your paycheck.

Food for thought.

Ramblings For The Month of August

2009-08-10T21:15:00.005+08:00

It seems like all I could do everyday of the year is to wait for a better day to come...

2 weeks+ since our chiko guild went on official hiatus again. It feels like more than a month. 4 months to go till December. Among the things I want to do then is to go backpacking across the country, squish into a tiny hotel room, ride elephants and dolphins, shop for bohemian styled clothing, swim in the sea, paraglide, karaoke on loop and eat like there's gonna be a famine coming soon.

Nameless is still dead. It's been more than 3 weeks. This is not normal. No explanation. Nameless is the oldest RO server; I could only speculate that they're doing some super major upgrade for the 3rd job change. I'm waiting for the miraculous resurrection Tsukina, Skye, Beatrixx and the rest.

I can't help but to admit that this week is jammed packed with complaints. So many events that I was so dissatisfied with that I think if I complained anymore, upstairs would strike me with bird poop one day for being ungrateful. I've been complaining about everything under the sky; work, money, studies, my life, my future, money again, my family, my car, my house, my health, my pomelo ass etc. I've definitely got better coverage than my insurance policy.

I think I'm the only one who remembers the month of August is a matter of life and death. My heart is getting dull. I cease to collect strength, motivation, purpose or reason to fight on. I'm scared of gambling my life away because the stakes are strictly 50-50. I might win; I'll be the happiest person alive, I don't mind dying 1000 times. I might also loose; then life would just loose meaning and I'd rather be dead than be given the 1000 chances to live.

I want something. Badly. Badly enough that my existence revolves around it. I watch some people pursue things which other people would think are stupid or foolish or even wrong. But they do it anyway, it's a bit screwed up, but that's what allows them to wake up every morning and thank God they're alive.

I'm dragging my time. I'm putting off making decisions. I surround myself with options only to feed my insecurity of what if I made a wrong choice. Unless someone drops the axe on me, I don't think I will move from where I am.

Recently, I wonder among the conflict of interest between making your own decisions and asking God to guide you in making decisions. Maybe God has his reasons for certain events to take place, sometimes I would like to believe that he let me into this world to grow on my own, but he watches me if I fall.

Most of the time, I'd want to believe that God has heard my prayers and has someone worthwhile waiting for me at the end of the road. Maybe I'm too screwed up to deserve such a person.

I thought our first meeting was one in a thousand. I thought our second meeting again was one in a million. And I thought the mutual feelings for each other after all these time was, strange, unbelievable and special.

Break.

Why do I feel that I can not run away from you even if the world comes in between us? Why do I grow dull at the thought of your absolute absence and shine only in your presence? I can't help it. Even if my mind, body and soul tears apart from you, my heart starts to die. Everyday I tell myself it's for the best, why is it so wrong and unnatural? Why do I keep denying my love for you... It's not as simple as, my pet died, get a new one. It's unnatural, you're probably irreplaceable.

I might just need more time.

The Scary Grin That Started It All

2009-08-08T01:29:00.003+08:00

Jo, I finally found a vid that can depict the first impression you made on me.

My Red Bean Romance Turns 1

2009-08-02T23:33:00.003+08:00

...and I turn 2X.

Hohohohoho.

Firstly, thank you to family members, chikopeers, bbffs, bffs, college/uni/high school peeps for all the birthday wishes, pressies, cakes, blog posts, texts, surprises, plentiful food and making my day a special one. >3<

I woke up this morning and the first thing I stood in front of the toilet bowl and thought to myself that from today onwards, whatever sh*t in my life (past regrets, sadness, anger etc. of 2008) shall hereby be flushed away with my xxx. *flushes toilet* Today is the moment for me to let go of certain things and start my life anew. What a meaningful personal moment. LOLz.

Korean BBQ & Steamboat

2009-08-01T18:44:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow evening, 7 p.m. @ Riche Montana Korean BBQ & Steamboat (Ipoh Garden East).

Duck is invited. I sent you text.

Hatiku Terasa Masin Masam

2009-07-27T13:40:00.004+08:00

It's gonna be August. One cycle is nearing it's end, another cycle is going to begin.

Mixed feelings. Must be the hormones acting today.

I was (considered) early to work today. As if I got traumatized by something. Muahaha. Am trying to get back into the habit.

Counting my blessings; my 1st BFF from S'pore is coming back for my bday. *so touched, everything else doesn't matter*, my 3rd BFF moved back to Ipoh this year, the family is together this year, celebrated pre-birthday in July twice with my beloved chikopeers, I get to see anak emas end of the month.

Resolution for the new year cycle:-

1. Even if I can't perform outstandingly in work, at least stay out of trouble and maintain my record relatively clean for the next few months.

2. Lose weight (again). The frequent midnight McValue double cheeseburgers, fries, coke, Tim Tams and Maggi Gorengs have sabotaged my waistline to a great extent. I have been cruel to be kind to myself.

3. Clean the room. Speaks for itself.

4. Sleep in time.

5. Recover my face.

6. Plan for December holildayze.

7. Take more photos and figure out how to upgrade my portfolio.

I Can Sing Like Louis Armstrong

2009-07-15T19:12:00.002+08:00

Gomen ne, my chiko peers for losing my voice on K-night. It's like someone inserted a plank into my throat all the way to my lungs, it made me go all irritated in pain. I feel like scolding someone or something but I'm unable to. Argh. We shall go sing like nuts next Wednesday.

Chiko holiday; Malat, Babi, Duck and I are invading Penang this weekend. The theme of our tour is Eating Cendol Expedition to the North, where we will be stopping at every stop on our way to Penang to eat cendol (ie. Sitiawan, Taiping). Planning on getting a healthy tan, good food in my stomach, sand in my toes (and a Hokkien merman in my arms).

I applied for leave on Monday to go to KL for a day trip on a spur of a moment. Hopes to get prettier clothes for the year. (It's prolly time to look more like a hot bimbo than a burnout fugly librarian). Lesleh chooses to come to Ipoh the one weekend when I'm away. *pouts* And to Genting the day I'm in KL.

So hungry now.

So Far Away I Hide So That You Won't Be Able To Find Me

2009-07-04T02:44:00.006+08:00

I hope to deviate away your attention, protect myself from your affection and disassociate my life from yours. Forget me as I forget you.

---

Sometimes I do wonder does a new hurt digs up a lot of underlying unresolved problems. My chest hurts but it surprises me when I realize that it is hurting for another person. Devastating. Suffocating.

I miss the days you made the effort to be always beside me. I blamed you for drifting and the reason I walked away was because I wanted to be able to stand by myself and not always have to rely on you to be happy. I didn't want to admit how important you were.

And I repeated the same mistake with someone else.

I hurt today. Partially, it's you.

Chiko Bdays

2009-07-01T22:31:00.002+08:00

I'm last minute as usual. Sorreh!! So busy x busy with work. This week was prove all Mega B*s wrong and make them look bad in the process. I didn't even have time to update with my own sister even though we're living in the same house.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating Malat and I's "2+2 divided by 2 = 2" chiko average birthday. over delicious Korean BBQ. Belated for his, be-earlied for mine, somewhere in the middle. Duck is invited, even though I did not manage to ask her personally because we have lost contact in duck space, but you are welcome to party crash.

We will be trying the kinda new Korean BBQ restaurant since I want to have fun grilling pork slices on the grill, eat bibimbap and drink ice jasmine tea.

So Unlike Me

2009-06-29T20:16:00.003+08:00

As much as I dislike my dad's horrendous bad habits, I am a duplicate of him.

Throughout my whole life, you could always count on the fact that I was late for kindergarten right up till graduation day. And considering the fact that work is only one song on the radio away, you guessed it.

My dad mentioned during dinner time yesterday, "I used to be late for school everyday even though I stayed next to it." Blame the bad genes that passed on.

6 months working here already...

I was dead on time for work today... As in 8:30 sharp. Everyone in the office who came earlier and later than me looked like they saw a ghost. Even my sister and mum thought speculated either I was traumatized by something or a coconut fell onto my head when I was out in the garden yesterday.

Let's see how long I'll manage to keep up...

Another trait I inherited from my dad that was blooming throughout the years is that I have the constant itch to defy convention. Rules and regulations belong to a parallel universe from mine. I can't stand authority. Fear it the consequences of defying it I do, therefore a passive aggressive personality is formed as a reaction towards it...

Society gives us the basic requirements us to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job, get married to a good prospect and have kids. I've about kinda screwed the first 3 and am feeling unexcited for the next 2. I feel claustrophobic being pressured into fitting the norm therefore I prefer to avoid it, or do the alternative.

Work calls us to suck up our superiors, be treated like dirt and let everyone trample all over you for any reason under the sun (because its normal) and perform your work without mistake (or at least pretend to).

There's always gonna be f*ktards all around you. But they're the one's that make life exciting, only when you're up to taking up the challenge...

This is the last time I'm pulling such a daring stunt (which was dead close to the expense of my firm). Truth be told, I kinda enjoyed the drama but consider myself lucky that I escaped actually falling into the boiling water.

Pa, it was your genes acting. It wasn't throwing someone's bike into the river though. :P

Office & Politics

2009-06-26T19:45:00.004+08:00

Abang Michael may you rest in peace. Your music and dancing will always be in my heart.

'Heal the World' was playing on Mix and it reminded me of how my eldest cousin brother became 'popular' by singing that live in school... followed by encores elsewhere (ie. relative's birthday parties). The distance to my workplace is so near that I am only able to listen this one song (that brought back disturbing memories of cousin bro practicing it when we were at our grandparent's house every weekend) and not realize Michael's songs will be played on loop for the whole day.

It felt so surreal when my collegue told me he died this morning. I remembered back in UK, my classmate, Jane would go starry eyed when fantasing going to MJ's concert. It's sad cuz we'll never to be able to do so.

---

The ending of this week has been b*tch packed. Some women are really difficult. Even myself, at times I'll admit.

It's the kind of women who are blind and justified towards their own vices but unrealistically demand excellence from other people that is so frustrating. They put you down to boost their own ego.

Look, enough about "Working life is like that." Like I don't know already.

In life, when you treat people badly, there is karma. There is an invisible counter for the things you do to people. Good for good, bad for bad. When you make people dislike you, they will be less likely to perform well for you or even care about you. They might do it out of obligation, but everyone will be waiting to laugh during the day of your downfall. In more extreme cases, they will lash back and destroy you.

Your way isn't the only way of life. And when you reap the results of your actions, "Life is like that. You reap what you sow."

My only remorse is that, my boss didn't want to confront me directly about the accusations in fear of hurting my feelings, but by doing so, he neglected to let me recount my side of the story before passing the death sentence on me. By the time the story passes on to various people it would have evolved to version 5-6 of the story. And it's just saddening to be the last to know about something bad about yourself when it has passed through ears of half of the civilization before that.

Look, I'm not a kid anymore. If something needs to be said and mistakes to correct, tell me. I understand a lot of money is being involved and any slight mistake will cost the firm loss in monetary and clientele. I'd expect to be be scolded as stupid and incompetent in the process but as long as business has gone through, I can let go of a past insult with an peaceful heart and learn not to make the same mistakes again.

He seems to have an imagery of me based solely on other people's opinions. I know he is concerned of my well being therefore he keeps an eye on me by questioning my performance. For example, how would my collegues know how many files I was handling and the amount of work I had to do everyday? He could have asked me directly to make a list of my cases and the work I had to do or else check the records from HR.

I know most of the time I don't stand out in doing things, but it doesn't mean I'm receiving a salary for nothing. How I handle my cases are witnessed by my files. I operate documents on the day I receive them and send them out on the same day or the next and the dates are all documented.

This is just a rant. Obviously, it doesn't change the position I'm in. Impressions have been reversed and my ability to work has been tarnished by one mistake covering the fervent retributions I made after that.

I'm not discouraged by work. In fact, after this week, I make it a call for more improvement and a brush up on office politics survival skills and to discontinue being the softie I am. It's a dog eat dog world out there and I believe it is important to be self centered and protect your own @ss against backstabbers.

My Final Week of June

2009-06-24T18:26:00.006+08:00

I have yet to fulfill my resolution of coming in time for work. In fact, it is has been getting worst since mum makes it waking up a living nightmare. How? She screams for me to wake up every morning outside my door and outside my window and I will put more effort into sandwiching my head between my pillows to escape the torture of her voice and in effect soundproof my existing 6 alarms in the process... Don't comment.

Finally, got to eat Kampar's delicious spare rib laksa tonight. I am whole again.

'Beautiful Sun'* Misun and 'Malam tak berbintang'* Me (*pet names we created for each other this week) have been trying to make progress on our ongoing career crisis by floating around the job market. I have been trying to improvise my CV for a career in Design for the past 7 hours (obviously it has been frustrating). A diploma/degree in the relevant field is highly emphasized by every potential employer.

"Even if the dog is an authentic pedigree, it will still be considered a mutt because it does not have a certificate to prove its ancestry." (replays in my mind)

It has been playing in my mind to complete at least my diploma. (And when I graduate, I'm going to make photocopies of it and paste it all over town) XD

Off the record, I am thinking of using the strategy of confusing my prospective employer with my crazy portfolio and sneak in through the 'back door' of the art industry while he is still in a daze. Like, wish me luck.

I talked with Yung today and he let me admire his stunning character designs for Digi class. So I was inspired to stalk the TOA today website to see how my fellow classmen were developing and I found...

This was from my major year illustration class. The choice to put up a painting of a pumpkin and fish is a bit awkward. I can still remember the discomfort analysing the detail of that dead fish. Even so it was always my wish to see my work on display on the college's website and gallery. I achieved both in a year so mebbe I shouldn't beat myself so badly over everything that had happened. The artist has gone but the art remains. :')

A few more weeks and I would have completed my second year of art college.

Hottest Happenings In The Month Of June

2009-06-18T22:29:00.006+08:00

The one who is meant to have stolen Larry's heart.
Suki, Misun's mocha poodle. Was in her past life a Chinese acrobatic dancer.

(a.k.a. the one we're hoping to impregnate this coming Sunday so that we could produce baby poodles to play with, and to temporarily fulfill mum's yearning for grandchildren)

Mr. Chan, future GM and member of our Chiko (M) Sdn Bhd subgroup.
Our chiko adventures di Ipoh includes glomping at good looking passer-bys, insulting below average looking ones and eating all day long.

Fancy/Posh dinners with family and friends.

A mysterious lump of tri-colour furball appears in our house to choke everyone when they are sleeping!

Is named Q.Q. Cupcake. Has an attitude.
Likes watching Korean MVs and fancies Max Changmin and U-Know Yunho from DBSK.

Also featured, my maple story begins.

Spotlight of June 09'
Raja Malat will be returning to claim his rightful throne and resume his chiko rule in about a week's time!

Busy Back to Work!

2009-06-17T20:45:00.003+08:00

Last weekend was totally all about JB. Getting the tickets stressed the bleep outta my mind because all they had was ridiculous timings and sold out times. Travelling wasn't as terrifying as I imagined, but my trip down was close to it. For any girl, it would have been a hell ride, being assigned at the back of the bus with 3 samseng looking guys, the one next to you who keeps staring at you, inviting casual conversations and has an acrobatic sleeping pattern with his hand flying all over the place. Larkin is mega dodgy. Scarier than Puduraya. I kept my taser next to me at all times. And I'm not afraid to use it. >)

My anak emas's birthday.

Being the best friend (not to be mistaken for the one who got a nose job, poor boyfriend and a bad reputation ;P), it would be a sin not to turn up.

I really put the picture you made for me next to my bed. The bird fell off so I had to look for my glue gun to stick it back.

Insomnia

2009-06-08T03:51:00.005+08:00

I was so drowsy in the evening (only Sunday evenings), I fell asleep at 6pm and woke up at 2am. Strictly 8 hours. Tried rolling around to fall back asleep, but guess my fuel tank was at max and I felt hungry (since I skipped dinner). Rather than to have disturbing thoughts invading my head, I went online with hopes to distract myself. I'll be just crapping a lil bit on my blog to tired myself out.

Aish. Nowadays, I feel the familiar sickness I felt in when I was still in Inti. Lost, indecisive, forsaken, paranoid, unsure, lost of self esteem and confidence (and maybe contemplatively suicidal when I couldn't get things figured out). Only this time, it's different because I've been through it before and kinda believe that things will work out eventually like it did. I knew that I had 2 years in between those 2 dark periods that I was genuinely happy. I'm working to find it again.

Recently, it's been like a long while that I fluctuated between banging into walls and hiding myself. Being in fear is crippling. In a way, I recognize my instilled paranoia. These days, I walk out of my house wearing an invisible blanket, sometimes I just refuse to go out. I refuse to come out of Ipoh, it's paralysingly frightening. I have yet to understand my current fear, but it is familiar. I need to remember how I overcame it before.

Lately, the only thing that sustains me and my sanity is my chikopeers. It's like a outlet for me to become who I am (obviously defying conventional human behavior), not get judged for not living up to 'standard' (whatever that is) and I'm actually making people happy. Like sometimes, I feel (A WHOLE LOT) that I have to do certain things in order to feel worthy of approval and acceptance. Like acting proper, adapting common views, fulfilling social obligations... It honestly bores me to death, but yes, maybe I was abandoned here accidentally by my spaceship.

Emo quote: I feel like I don't belong!!

I mean, I honestly want to be liked/loved. It just feels utterly meaningless if I had to fake my way to get it. Eg. getting a Law Degree so that everyone would feel proud of me, acting really girly/feminine/proper so that guys would dig me, acting that I'm happy with myself and my life because they think I shouldn't be unhappy with all the things I have.

Mebbe it's reality catching up. Studies are totally over, I'm getting overexposed to the real world. I have NEW obligations to live up to other than just scoring As. Apparently, they are a whole hell harder than just scoring As. Stuff that include; getting a decent job, making loads of money, buying a house, getting married, having kids, and life begins once again...

I'm just tired, leave me alone. I want to live in peace. Better still, living a free, bohemian chiko lifestyle till I die.

---

Good luck Malat and Ling for upcoming exams.

Raja Malat

2009-06-02T02:03:00.008+08:00

In Malaysian timing...

Come back real soon. (T3T) We continue our chiko-chiko adventures and celebrate our chiko birthdays.

Revived

2009-06-01T22:40:00.003+08:00

During my time of weakness, I long for the days that someone would call out of concern to see whether I'm still alive, shout at me when discovering I haven't eaten the whole day, offer (more like force) food delivery service to my house and watch me eat till the last drop of food.

---

I failed the first day of punching my card despite my best intentions the night before.

Oh, I feel as if I my bones turned into lead. Couldn't get out of bed. It's like my whole body were asleep. Thank God for the potent coffee at work. I came home during noon to sleep, skipped lunch because there was nothing to eat, back at work, home, continued sleeping, skipped dinner because I really couldn't move, finally woke up because Ryan called, online, wanton mee, ham bun...

Lesleh and classmates came over Ipoh yesterday for research to create a corporate identity for Ipoh. The following happened; dimsum, exploring Old Town, railway station, missionary schools, 100 yen shop, Greentown, the temple caves, pomelo and Ipoh leng lui sighting, playing with my dogs, chilling at my house, nyonya dinner, yum cha at Kinta river front.

I felt belonging because everyone had a DSLR. I'm so hyped about getting my 50mm.

Got the chance to 'kau chim' at the temple for fun. You know, shaking a bunch of sticks in a can like we always watch in TVB costume dramas. Was so noob, like asking how much do I need to pay, where's the can, do I need to kneel down to shake the can, who can explain the 'chim'? Lols. I only got it half deciphered because the rest of it was too complicated. My 'chim' was - It's raining now, but the sun will be out once the rain ends. Money is yet to come. Regarding love, do not force the issue, all will come naturally.

Aih, will just listen to advise with an open heart from now onwards. My heart is burdened and tired as it is. My brain has no more power to argue. Right now, I just want to live without conflict and put certain things behind me, because it's easier. The road towards an 'easy' life is hard too. So many compromises and adaptions to make, beliefs to be altered, you need to constantly be mentally and emotionally convinced of what you're doing. If this is what's best, why is my heart and soul so unsettled and not at peace?

Been spending the past half a year reading self improvement books on every aspect of life, only to realize there is no specific answer. You can be 'wrong' in doing the 'right' thing and be 'right' in doing the 'wrong' thing. It all depends on your core values what perspective to see things.

I did some soul searching and realize that if without any restriction or objection from anybody, I just want to live my life peacefully and happily using my gifts for the well-being of everyone around me. I'm sick of the rat race and the constant need to live up to expectations. It never ends. First, I'm promise it'll stop after getting my Law Degree, but look at now, I'm expected to take up the Bar, chamber, work in a Law firm, practice, go to court and to open my own law firm...

As of today, I'm just a humble conveyancing clerk, not intending to practice, learning my way to handling REIT investments and bank/business financing in order to earn my own life in my own way. I ultimately want to have business running on the side and spend most of my time being a homemaker and freelance artist. I honestly just want to live in peace, without everyone making a big deal about living up to my family standards. Maybe I won't be as filthy rich, but I'm determined to give my kids no less the life and education than what I received myself.

Weekends Are Meant To Be Lazed Away

2009-05-30T15:44:00.003+08:00

I am hopeful for a Lesleh sighting this weekend. Her appearance is so totally random and unpredictable, I have to walk up and down the house to kill the time of waiting for her phone call.

My sis and I were online till 5 in the morning. Huahahahaha. I got my first job change after 3 weeks. I juggle my time between work, playing Maple, berchiko-ing with my chiko peeps, watching Korean variety shows and concerts on Youtube every non-working/sleeping hour of my days. I'm unconvinced that the clubbing scene in Ipoh is even existent. I have passed by bars, which are patroned by middle aged chikopeks... The thought of it excites me to sleep. I can't even drink, unless comeone remembers to bring 2 wheelbarrows along; one to carry me home and the other to transport my puke.

We lack proper dessert houses where we can sit for hours chatting. I have A second ago I told my sister that when we were in KL, we could go out anytime for ice cream, parfaits, waffles, pancakes, tong sui and whatever sugary/carbohydrate charged snacks that would boost up our happy hormones. Our fridge was always stocked with pistachio ice cream and cornflakes...

Change Is Challenging!

2009-05-28T23:11:00.004+08:00

Ah... Been having the most challenging week of working of the year. Made some mistakes in January (which at that time I was a total ignorant noob at work) which are causing me mega chaos this month. I'm reaping the stuff I sow. I claim that I'm old enough not to be discouraged by the odds against me in life. After all, mistakes are all part of the learning process to become a more competent person. My boss has been unpleased with me recently, but considering the fact that he placed me in between 2 very experienced people and personally asked them to guide me says a lot. I don't wish to disappoint him again.

Oh yes, the layout and them has changed. The reason being my blog being bright and hot pink previously has the potential to attract a lot of attention when I'm on it in the office. Seemingly, people are not as dumb as you assume. They have eyes which wander. And unfortunately, I do not own Neji's Byakugan (can see what's going on 358° and spot hidden enemies). So at least now it's white with plenty of wording it (looks more like a word document) doesn't seem as too obvious and attract attention being glaringly hot pink.

I have a reason to believe that my current CPU is installed with an anti-web messenger software. It rejects everything from Live Messenger to Web Messenger and not even the browser for MSN/e-buddy works. It won't even run the installation download. Catastrophical. There goes my social life...

Si Lesleh is coming to Ipoh this Saturday. You make sure you call meh, woman.

The Surprise Gift For The Firm

2009-05-28T18:06:00.002+08:00

Today, the boss gave everyone in the firm a big surprise gift. I believe he had this in mind for a long while, but was stalled due to the financial and practicality complications of it. Eventually, I think he was fully convinced that the staff performance needed to be boosted and it would be a beneficial investment to be made.

The gift was subject to much attention and excitement for the entire day. Staff members were encoraged to put it into constant use and not to be shy to utilize it because it was specially purchased for us. From today onwards, I am certain that everyone would be more enthusiastic to put more effort into coming to work every morning being highly inspired by the boss's well-meaning and generosity.

.
.
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My boss had a punch card machine installed.

Been A While Since I Did A Tag

2009-05-28T00:20:00.009+08:00

Did this because it met my chiko standards and made me laugh.

1. Besides your lips, where is the favorite spot to get kissed? -Forehead. Cuz I feel loved when it doesn't seem sexual.

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning? -Like I wanted to hack someone to death.

3. Who was the last person/people you took a photo with? - My dogs! Seriously.

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled? -More than an average person, yes. But not to the point I became a brat.

5. Will you ever donate blood? -I would. Unfortunately, I need blood to be donated to.

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? -YESH. I had a few, Ryan-kun is the only one remaining till today.

7. Do you want someone to be dead? -I don't care about my enemies.

8.What does your last text message say? -Haha happy birthday yan choon. Love kacheh.

9.What are u thinking right now? -Buying over a business, how to get rich, my own crib, how to finance it.

10. Do you want someone to be with you now? -Jo lor. Malat lor. Siwon lor.

11. What was the time you went to bed last night? -5 am. Accident.

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now? -I stole it from my sister.

13. Is someone on your mind right now? -Only Siwon (pun intended; that's the url to his website).

14. Who was the last person who texted you? -Abi

TEN Lucky People to do this quiz.
1. Babi (Double Tag)
2. Duck
3. Jo
4. GSY
5. Lesleh
6. Whummy
7. Nama kau Ben
8. Ryan kun-if you're bored enough
9. Choi Siwon XD
10. Random TOA classmate

15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with? -Babi and some other kelefers. Me, on occasion.

16. Is no. 3 a male or a female? -Woman; her boobies are the real thang.

17. If no.7 and no.1 get together, would it be a good? -Kenot. I will never approve. How can my son date my sister? Ciz.

18. What is no.1 studying about? -Accounts yang paling dibenci.

19. When was the last time you chatted with them?
1. Babi (Double Tag) - Just Now
2. Duck - Yesterday
3. Jo - Tried to today but caught each other at wrong moments
4. GSY - Few days ago
5. Lesleh - FB today
6. Whummy - Ages
7. Nama kau Ben - Somewhere this year
8. Ryan kun - Just now
9. Choi Siwon - Never. Hopefully, someday.
10. Random TOA classmate - 1/2 year!!!

20. Is no. 4 single? -GSY, ru single? Using my blog to promote you. Haha.

21. Say something about no.2. -Hungrylah, Duck. ZZZ.

22. What do you think about no. 2 and no. 6 being together? -Super fun lor since both are chiko-able people.

23. Describe no.9. -The love of my life.

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight? -Ben will confirm die lor.

25. Do you like no.8? -Yala, he's my BFF, man.

Don't Rely On Other People For Your Life Decisions

2009-05-27T02:51:00.003+08:00

I'm really giving up. It's tiring and confusing if you allow too many voices to get up your brain. You care, you get involved, feelings are invested, time wasted in the end because ultimately in the end, people are indeed the master of their own fate.

If you're determined to let people see you as a victim, YOU ARE A VICTIM. You can give excuses till the day you die and still be the victim and nothing would have changed. If you want to to continue the sweet dream of people reassuring your role as the victim, how everyone else are villains and how unfortunate you've been mistreated and restricted by everything in the world, go ahead and live in that sweet insanity. You deny. I back off. If people who say realistic things to you are enemies, better just ignore them and continue living you life as you wish.

I don't have a damn right to change you but I care enough. I'm not perfect, but I made enough mistakes to know what works and what doesn't.

Just something to ponder about-

Why do you think I'm studying investments and business on the side? Why am I so tight with my money that I am willing to eat microwaved food (even though cancer is my biggest fear) everyday to stinge on a few dollars a day? Why am I learning real estate and surveying the property market in Malaysia and learning all I can from a conveyancing firm that I swore that office life sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours everyday would be the end of me?

Why am I doing all the things I believed I hated?

Very simply because of the dream of the successful restaurant decorated with my art and moving out of this hellhole once and for all. Not just any dream, but a joint dream.

"Nobody asked you to do it in the first place."

True. Nobody asked.

I don't deserve this kind of gratefulness and appreciation. In fact, I didn't expect any. It is unfair, unreasonable, mean and immature to say such words.

I can tell you very honestly, I love my siblings. But if they grew up to be losers, I will have nothing to do with them. Because when I try to help them I would think, "Nobody asked."

Their sister can only look after them so much and she has her own life to live, even if it means opening her art gallery solo.

Maybe you don't mean the things you said and maybe I misunderstood certain things. I was more wtfbbq than hurt. 'Hurt' is an overused word in this house. I don't have that much of a 'care' capacity to take every word as an offense. I don't give a shit about drama and petty mind games either. It's overrated, wastes my time and I wanna wake up going to work happy.

I also want to take this opportunity to say while you insist for people to listen attentively to you and sympathize, you do the same for me by changing subjects, ignoring me or snapping at me 95% of the time. Yes you talk crap, you don't mean it, joking, not thinking straight, whatever. At least, choose a better time when we're mutually in a chiko-ing mood.

About being sensitive. I care as much about the issue as if it were my own problem. We are standing on the same side facing the problem. The problem is the enemy and I am attacking the problem. But you jump in to 'protect' the problem and take the damage and assume I was attacking you.

About being defensive. I am defending us both, but you yourself ran to the enemy side and got hit on its behalf again.

Do you now see what went wrong from a heart to heart talk to some wtfbbq fight?

I won't justify myself for hurting you. I never intended it in a mean way to demoralize you or make you feel stupid, useless and unheard. It was a failure on my part.

I respect enough that your life is your own responsibility and your timing is yours.

My Phone Is Biased

2009-05-26T13:49:00.005+08:00

Lunch break. Am listening through earphones. It plays all other songs alright but only plays SuJu songs properly when I tilt my head 45 degrees to the right. I'm going to suffer from neck pain this evening... I prophesy accurately what plays on Mix FM everyday now.

My updated wishlist for my birthday: New Sony Ericsson earphones. ;D

Recently, I've been drunk between SuJu and Mapling. The SuJu addiction is worst because the following has happened:-

1. Watching MVs obsessively and forgetting reload my phone before 12 am resulting the number getting barred and balance forfeited.

2. In many events forgetting the existense of my phone and missing appointment with friends.

3. Borrowing a DVD from my granpa which has 20++ Andy Lau movies in it just because Siwon has a cameo in one of the movies; 'The Battle of Wits'.

4. Today, I nearly typed in the name Choi Siwon into my loan document. I can imagine my LA who checks my documents ask me prior to sending it to the bank, "Who is Choi Siwon? Is he a named party to the agreement?" *refers frantically to official bank documents*

Choi Siwon

If only we had clients as hot as Siwon walking into our firm everyday.

*I'm choking on laughter while typing this*

There were 2 instances where I accidentally typed in names of people I knew personally into my loan documents. One of them had her name same as my LA, but different surname. My LA was like wtfbbq.

End of lunch hour.

Heaty Weekend

2009-05-24T19:04:00.004+08:00

Firstly, OMG!!!!! My ex-HOP is on FB. Will definitely not add him because he would have unlimited access to my gambar paling kurang siuman... Definitely detrimental.

I slept 14 hours; Saturday night (10pm)~Sunday noon (12pm). It's like a weeks worth of sleep, been sleeping at 1-2 every night (reason: hardcore gaming beginning after dinner). Playing games somehow makes a person more easily irritated; I've been cussing and screaming a lot this entire week at minor annoyances and interruptions. Tonight, I moved my laptop into my bedroom.

The ultimate con of staying with your parents is restricted freedom. There's a curfew to everything; outings, Internet, shopping, visiting friends etc. Parents have the need to pass a comment on everything you do; how u walk, talk, sleep, eat, spend, drive etc. Nothing you do is right in their eyes. They just have the OCD to win every occasion.

Me, being the awful passive aggressive I am, will grasp any available opportunity to piss them off, make snarky remarks on their bad behavior and when possible try to convince relatives to my side. I suppose that's how we maintain leverage. When you're living in Ipoh plus there's a severe lack of entertainment, all there's left to do is to create drama yourself.

Visited Po today (haven't seen her for ages). Gong is good to talk to, and we kinda thought that we should be spending more time around in Ipoh since our grandparents are really old (even though Gong can walk faster than a teenager) even though sometimes our parents piss the crap out of us everyday.

OMG it's 4 and it's off to work tomorrow. I don't mind working, but then... I'd love my work to start at 10am instead. Anytime before 9:30am is like exposing a vampire into the sun. Good night.

It's My Bro's Bday!

2009-05-22T17:16:00.001+08:00

My collegues are sharp... very sharp. By the end of the week of the relocation my seat, the ones sitting next to me are aware that I have internet access (somehow) without me making an official announcement. I never meant to be obcure about it, since we do ultilise the Internet to operate our cases.

By Thursday, I have been requested for online favours ranging from checking firm emails or legal websites, downloading documents to finding out the results of American Idol, whereby I discovered that the majority are Kris Allen supporters. I listened to Kris's Heartless cover on the radio and I thought it was really hot. (Geez I sound so Paris. As in Hilton.)

BUT it is a little creepy that people watch you silently and are aware of what's going on your monitor screen without your realization...

Mum is throwing a birthday tea/dinner party for my brother tomorrow evening. (Actual birthday is next Wednesday) Mum is ultilizing her summer house to its full social potential. She had an air conditioner installed in there recently. (All we need left is a fountain, carp and garden lights...) Heard that we're expecting around 60 people or more attending the event.

I saw the menu from the caterer (First Coffee Shop) and it looks seriously good. Sneak preview of the few I remember: fried chicken, beef rendang, nuggets, fries, sausages, prawn fritters, chicken curry, fried noodles, fruits, orange juice. We're trying to get a 2kg Mango Mousse Cake and balloons tonight. An aunt is contributing Tiramisu. *prepares to swim in food*

Blogging At Midnight

2009-05-20T23:44:00.007+08:00

The most exciting thing that happened to me this week was moving to a new desk downstairs amongst the masses. The boss discovered me FB-ing and blogging instead of following my cases diligently and decided to demote me.

Impossible.

We actually discussed this over and realized that it would be best if I had a mentor at my side to guide me through my cases so that they can trust me with more cases. I must admit that I'm learning more than expected even just within these 3 days (ie. how to handle difficult clients/bank officers in style, how to play around deadlines, escape penalties and gory details of the financial health of banks/companies). Ms. Leong beside me is my great helpline.

No longer there are the days of me blogging and FB-ing on impulse during noon. I know I'll be missed. I discovered that the PC I am currently using was the same one I used when I was working in the firm 3 years ago (2005). How? Because it still contained all those anime wallpapers I uploaded. (:P) Fortunately, I am still able to go online (and prolly check on FB in the split seconds heads are turned) but unfortunately, the processor is one of >7 years ago and it is not able to support MSN (oh the horror).

The best news I heard today. Malat is returning in exactly a month's time. All this while I believed that I had to hold up till the end of July (June and July both start with 'J', that's why I got so mixed up) and we have tonnes of activities lined up for the entire month. OMG I'm so looking forward to our photo, food, beach, chiko-ing sessions. Waiting time just got cut short by 1 month.

The level of entertainment is not worth mentioning if compared to KL. It's not so bad because we're fun people who have fun anywhere, anytime. Last week, I even had this crazy idea of opening a decent club in Ipoh like Zouk. I don't think there is even a club in Ipoh that lives up to the qualifications of a club in Ipoh. Like, seriously.

The few interesting things to do when you're bored is eat, get on the net, watch a movie, shop a lil bit or sleep. That's all. Period. Howsoever, I think that Ipoh has the best cyber cafes in the country, correct me if you think otherwise. CCs in Ipoh get the best business because rent is cheap (big, famous ones own like 3 shoplots) and are very well equiped. Rate is cheapest in the country 1.00-2.50/hour but you get 3 lots worth of customers everyday. Profit up your neck sia.

---

Over the weekend, when it was scorching hot, Husky's fan broke down and my mum purposely carried a fan over and placed it next to the door. We even threw her a few pieces of ice to munch. The next day, mum got her a huge metal fan (you know the huge ones that can go full blast, mebbe we can borrow it for our photoshoots LOL).

The two rascals.

Jack looks a bit like Mickey Mouse when both his ears are flipped, doesn't he?

His emoness who is afraid of the dark.

The Day Lunch Is Dead

2009-05-14T13:09:00.003+08:00

Gawd, I seriously couldn't wake up this morning. Was really close to throwing a temper tantrum against the torture of getting out of bed. Steph, Ryan and I went out to play Left 4 Dead and DotA. I must be growing old since I play like a total n00b. My glorious gaming days has become a memory of a distant past. So sad; what about the collection of games that I intend to play after I retire and all my kids left home? Gaming is fun, just that I'm not as obsessed about it as I was before college days.

Despite making plans yesterday, I have been left to fend for myself for lunchtime today. It's okay, I feel like eating the nice chicken rice 2 shops away but I discovered that it was closed. The vegetarian rice shop at the other end wasn't opened too. (Why is everything closed today?!) Being sleepy, tired and cranky to walk any further than 20 meters for food, I decided to make a cup of coffee and take a nap to sleep off my hunger...

I Oh So Hate The 39%*

2009-05-13T14:58:00.010+08:00

With referral to this post.

You've hurt me so badly yet you keep me around for cheap favours.

If I have any better sense and dignity, I really should just ignore you.

F*.

*39% : are polite but mentally decides not to pursue anything beyond friendship. At least, if they happen to get in trouble with the law maybe I'll be willing to handle their case for free / give them a special discount (because we're friends!!!). Hey smartass, why would I want to associate myself with someone who purposely gets in trouble with the Law and thinks my service is not worth the remuneration?!

[Update]

On my judgment of character, I often relied on my initial gut feeling when associating with people. I take pride in my ability to decide whether this person is a potential friend or a subject to eternal banishment within the span of 3 seconds from first contact. Usually, it turns out accurate.

Sometimes I would feel uncomfortable associating with certain people; the kinda feeling that you decide to dislike them despite only knowing them for barely 2 minutes. I can't describe the reasons they are bad, but I just know it.

I used to know this guy; first impression I disliked intensely him without reason. We became good friends being the mild natured person I am. Eventually as I got to know him, I decided that he was too tedious to be friends with (and I'm glad he's not directly involved in my life as of today). A few other examples followed throughout the years, and I learnt that yes, my gut feeling is something NEVER to be disputed with.

In a logical sense, I expect the best from people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I cannot imagine people being evil and hurting another human being blatantly for their own gains. Realistically, they do. I have probably done it unconsciously every now and then. But for them to act without guilt and shame after doing despicable things is something that is utterly... out of my understanding.

Regret isn't something I'm familiar with, partially because I take extra effort to avoid any potential regrets after I made my decisions, not that I've always made the perfect choices. I only realized that I am only capable of making decisions that seem 'perfect' at that time. It contributes that I'm so competent in sweeping problems under the rug and move on with life should things go horribly wrong (like Duck would say, "Whatever-lah. Who cares?").

When revealed just for the sake of reevaluation, I should be regretting not studying hard to get better grades during school days, not persistently chasing my dreams of being an artist, not figuring out what I want in life for the long term and the consequences of my indecision and lack of action, not being stronger in character, not slimming down and dressing up prettily when I was younger and not telling that boy I had a crush on that I liked him (and regretting now that I told him I liked him).

I suppose it is within my power to determine what regret does to me. To be crippled by it, or to grow from it. Regret incinerates your pride and ego, 100x the damage if you're a proud Leo, like me. Thank God I'm a Leo, because losing is unheard of.

Steamboat on Mother's Day

2009-05-13T00:35:00.008+08:00

We had a successful BBQ and we had a successful steamboat party. What next? Conveyor belt sushi? We shall have Tommy and Milo acting as the conveyor belt (Shin Chan joke).

We had meatballs, fish, 4 types of noodles, mushrooms, eggs and plenty of veggies.

We threw all the food into that amazingly huge pot of soup which was boiled almost immediately with our induction plate. Remember the traditional gas option? Boiling time was cut to 1/4.

As usual, there was the adults table (with alcohol; Uncle Fee holds the bottle gleefully)...

...and the children's table (with orange juice).

The pot filled with goodness.

So good that everyone was fixated on what was inside the pot.

With much patience, I finally got to scoop food out of the pot. I <3 Yee Mee.

I overate as usual... because the food was so good.

We had cake.
My selection of mangoes were of 50% accuracy. (Next time should ask the mango lover to buy mangoes, you know who you are.)

I'm so colour coordinated today.

The adults were so impressed with the technology of webcamming that everyone wanted to take turn to appear in front of the camera to wave to Xian.

When we took this picture, I asked Uncle Mike to include Xian in the shot so that he would at least have some involvement in tonight's event. He's gonna be tagged in FB as that fuzzy little green thing on the monitor beside me.

Meh & Hun Yee.

Bought flowers for all the mamas that night. I was lucky, apparently Ipoh has nearly run out of flowers.

Mama and her 4 kiddos. Yes, I said 4.