I don't give acknowledgment to the people and things I care about. I disattach myself intentionally from them because I don't want them to know how much influence they have over me. I leave them first driven by thoughts that I cannot stand to be abandoned or have outer factors tearing them away from me. I rather suffer the pain in silence than to let my weaknesses and vulnerabilities be known and risk being taken advantage of. I cover up my insecurities in order to seem self sufficient and capable. I suppress my emotions in order to feel in control. I am rude because I don't want to be seen as a pushover. I am cold and ruthless in my actions because I need to feel in control. I refuse to apologize to anyone protect my ego.
Everyone and everything is an enemy.
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That was my alter-ego speaking. I'm coming to realization that I am not a victim of fate but of my own accumulative defensive actions. I am my own worst enemy.
I LOVE. I love. Being the me I am to my friends who love and trust me in return. The reason I am still here today is because of the reaffirmation of my existence by love.
Being a Christian, I've decided that final answer should come from the holy texts.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4
There are the moments I do not want to love because it hurts me so much and it sometimes feels wrong to love. It is natural for me to love, but to what extent? If I were to limit my love to something that is 'reasonable' or 'logical', would it be still called love? If I were to condition that I will love only in guarantee that I will be loved back, I think I would have lost many friends along the way.
"And above all, have fervent love for one another: for love shall cover the multitude of sins."~Peter 4:8
I'm having this overdue heated debate in my mind.
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