Happy 2012!

My Red Bean Romance is not dead!

In fact... MRBR has made a fresh start again. The romance that inspired me with this name for my blog in 2008, apparently has a sequel. Dun dun dun...

I may talk about it sometime soon, when I feel inspired to do so, but yeah, just a heads up that a brand new life has started again for me. Same old problems but being faced by a evolutional person, I could say. 4:46am during a school day isn't the greatest time to be drafting a intellectual blogpost!

I was rather delighted to discover that...

Blogger has an iPhone app! Therefore, this is the virgin post made from my phone. I think I blogged through my Blackberry before, but getting the blogger app was ideally what I wanted! The itunes store has virtually EVERYTHING you can imagine.

Short posts: pretty okay. Long posts: break my wrist eventually.

So looking forward to a new start and hopefully more blogposts.

Karma

For slapping you, I am slapped awake by nightmares.

 

For giving you a nosebleed, my heart is torn and bleeding profusely.

I ignored you in need hence I'm ignored in return.

 

I took you for granted all the damn time, so why should you care?

 

I first abandoned you but why do I feel like the one abandoned?

I didn't wait, neither did you.

I couldn't decide, so I can't blame you if you couldn't.

I pretended I didn't care, what can you do but take me seriously...

I'd never said I love you, I'd never said it seriously, I'd never committed, I'd never cherished, I gave up so easily, I don't know what to think or feel any more.

Love Is A Battlefield

I don't give acknowledgment to the people and things I care about. I disattach myself intentionally from them because I don't want them to know how much influence they have over me. I leave them first driven by thoughts that I cannot stand to be abandoned or have outer factors tearing them away from me. I rather suffer the pain in silence than to let my weaknesses and vulnerabilities be known and risk being taken advantage of. I cover up my insecurities in order to seem self sufficient and capable. I suppress my emotions in order to feel in control. I am rude because I don't want to be seen as a pushover. I am cold and ruthless in my actions because I need to feel in control. I refuse to apologize to anyone protect my ego.

Everyone and everything is an enemy.

---

That was my alter-ego speaking. I'm coming to realization that I am not a victim of fate but of my own accumulative defensive actions. I am my own worst enemy.

I LOVE. I love. Being the me I am to my friends who love and trust me in return. The reason I am still here today is because of the reaffirmation of my existence by love.

Being a Christian, I've decided that final answer should come from the holy texts.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4

There are the moments I do not want to love because it hurts me so much and it sometimes feels wrong to love. It is natural for me to love, but to what extent? If I were to limit my love to something that is 'reasonable' or 'logical', would it be still called love? If I were to condition that I will love only in guarantee that I will be loved back, I think I would have lost many friends along the way.

"And above all, have fervent love for one another: for love shall cover the multitude of sins."~Peter 4:8

I'm having this overdue heated debate in my mind.

I Am So Tired Of You

And when I'm tired, I cry.

I have to make a decision to stop thinking of you. Every nerve in my body feels tormented.

---

Robert Kiyosaki (the writer of the Rich Dad, Poor Dad series) is coming to Malaysia and Singapore end of May. The tickets to his seminars cost from 3k to 7k, 9k if you're aiming for the VIP seats. I seriously wish to go... yes, even to the point of actually considering forking out that amount of money.

Or I can put my stakes on winning 4 tickets worth RM 6,998 each through this->

"Who is the author of 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'?

Send to answer to 32733 (each SMS cost RM1.00)
MWW APRK

Anyone who happens to win this and has extra tickets to fulfill a girl's dream, I'll forever be grateful. XD

---

Thanks to my sister, I got up for work 1/2 an hour earlier. It's the season to hibernate, to sleep without interruption. I don't even feel like eating. Just let me escape reality for 12 hours to recuperate. (Yes, it's that time of the month again.)

Maybe my mood would have been a bit better if I was woken up with a morning kiss from Jung Min. (wahahahahah)

But Everything Means Nothing, If I Ain't Got You

...does he feel the same way?

IMHO, our relationship as more than friends is so bleak, I feel as if I will most probably die trying. Its like having all the problems of a relationship compressed into a nuclear bomb and I'm here trying to diffuse the bomb with the little knowledge and experience I have.

Strange.

I feel like talking about it but I don't feel like talking about it. Bleh.

I Just Want To SLEEP

*Sigh*

If there is a sure fire effective prescription for PMS, someone please give it to me. (Desperately swallowing B6 and Evening Primrose Oil) My biological make-up is so difficult to live with. Imagine having things which are bothering and depressing you amplified at least 30 times. Add in the confusion, guilt, fear, insecurity and negativity. Sometimes I get so impatient and frustrated with myself, the reason being that I have to be 'perfect' with my actions and decisions. I could be too judgemental and harsh on myself, but the opposing view is that I cannot settle for second best or make self-detrimental compromises. HOW???

Right now, my head is like a mailbox bursting with complaint and advise letters alike. One says this, one says another, but both have points. And my heart is torn in between without say.

I feel crap. Between the span of 6 months, I'm loosing the things I love one by one and it doesn't show signs of ending yet.

It's one thing to fight for the career and life that you want. 7 years have lapsed and I've been defeated countless times but eventually I somehow become even more determined to be stronger, wiser and more certain with my choice.

I'm unsure about fighting for the person you love...

The f*k is love?
a. Hollywood - the glitz and glamour, the sparks and passion and the neverending drama.
b. Fairytale - the prince and the princess lives happily ever after after the prince slays the dragon, the evil witch, the ugly goblins and proves his undying love to the princess whom he saves from the enchanted castle.
c. Sex and the City - win some lose some, but do it in style, all is cool.
d. Reality - a bunch of messed up sh*t all put together; good or bad alike.

One thing I learnt from my first relationship is about the doom of having an idealistic mindset of a perfect match (and a perfect person). I'm the kind of person who is so afraid of making mistakes that it creates more opportunities of making mistakes.

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

3 more days! September, please end! Okay, so the latest 'kemalangan' to happen is having my Computer Graphics Production Procedures homework disappear. Don't ask me how did it happen or whether I saved it or whatever. I have a habit of saving my work every 30 seconds or after any minor modification. I managed to open the file a couple of times before printing it out. I plugged in my pendrive and my file was mysteriously blank. My back up copy file was blank. Even though God has programmed me into a strong girl who will not break down in tears over these kinda things and I can easily redo the whole thing, but this is certainly annoying and unnecessary.

Ryan mentioned that at certain time of every year, we will reach the peak of our 'malang-ness' (unluckiness). September is my 'bulan malang' (unlucky month). When I think about it, I struggle with many 'somethings' at this point. It's Puasa month and the mosques are more frequent and louder than usual. I have always respected it but then, it sounds so extremely depressing as if it's calling for mourning. I try to cover it with loud music. I'm really fragile right now and there are still tiny loopholes which allows the environment and atmosphere affect my emotions.

One strange (mebbe positive) thing that happened to me recently is that I am no longer affected by thunderstorms. Everyone who knows me well enough knows I get freaked silly and immobilized when there's a thunderstorm. Reality has slapped me harder than the fear of being struck by lightning. You're forced to face your phobias alone now. No one's gonna help distract you and laugh your fears away anymore. Deal with your weakness by yourself. I am an amazing girl. I have incredible inner strength. Adversity will only awaken my hidden potential. LOL.

2 more lightbulbs in our apartment has gone out. It's so high up to change too. We need a bloody ladder. It's just a stupid lightbulb. I can handle it.

And I shall go save my homework now.

Couple Portrait for Visual Fundamentals.

I'm Probably Not Doing This Right.

Am I not doing this right? Every time I manage to get over one type of pain, another type of pain sets in. Am I not supposed to force myself to heal quickly but take things one at a time? I don't know. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of my surgery. I'm afraid of losing. I'm afraid of being unloved. I'm afraid of the lies and the truth. I pray. I settle my insecurities but then the next day I forget all my resolutions and the vicious cycle repeats itself again. Sometimes I get so tired I don't know what to do anymore.

I managed resume my daily activities like normal. I can read and watch stuff and laugh. I get geared up about my bright future. His presence in the house has decreased significantly. I've stopped expecting his calls or texts. I've been adapting a much more positive attitude and I'm talking with a lot of other people. It's a sign of recovery, isn't it? On the exterior, I'm pretty good. Within me, I still feel severely messed up, pained and confused. It's like cancer.

This is what they mean by people always wanting the things they can't have. We can't fix it anymore despite our best intentions. This is something that I am not allowed to have, for my own good. I need to believe it. I deserve better. God has other plans for me. Amen.

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
James Morrison



"You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore"

'Tis Better To Have Loved And Lost Than Never To Have Loved At All.

The Seventh Day

Synopsis
Different people have different attitudes to love - even those born on the same day in the same year do not necessarily share the same views. YAU CHI-WING (Kevin Cheng) and HUI WAI-YAN (Bosco Wong) were both born on the seventh day of August, but one takes relationships seriously while the other is so money-minded and sees love as a tool to get higher up the social ladder.

The tale begins on the seventh of August, when WING and YAN first encounter their own dream girl on the same island. WING works as a lifeguard on the outlying island. He gets to know pet shop assistant LING KA-YAN (Niki Chow) by chance and is soon mesmerized by her endearing personality. YAN who works at a coffee shop meets a romance comic artist called WONG CHI-KWAN (Natalie Tong). Being misled into believing that the girl is from a rich family, YAN decides to chase her. He would never have thought that someone as calculating as himself would end up falling into a love trap.

Cast: Kevin Cheng, Niki Chow, Bosco Wong, Natalie Tong, Elaine Yiu, Sam Chan, Suki Tsui, Joel Chan, Charmaine Lee, Selena Li, Kiki Sheung, Ken Wong, Eddie Lee

I finally finished watching the whole 20 episodes last night! It was pretty good and entertaining. Thought the actors were really natural in handling their roles. Other than that I was rather amused that this series was so reflective on what was going on in my life (ie. the main characters personalities were eerily similar, the communication problems that surface, the 'fearful emotional baggage' of the past). Most interestingly is the scene of the male lead's birthday on the 7th of August. My birthday was on the 2nd of August, and that was when everything started too. *LOL*

One of my most remembered scenes was when the main female lead was typing her blog saying that she would want to have a glorious and sweet relationship at least once in her life (even though it might not mean forever) before she turns 35. I thought true, better to have loved like you never did before at least once in your life; for 50 years, 10 years, 3 years, 3 months or even 12 days. The female lead did not make it till they both grew old, but she was indeed happy and had no regrets. (There, I had to spoil it for you!)

How am I? Eee. Orkaylah. I laughed a lot, finally managed to cried a bit. But overall, I'm discovering new things everyday and am healing slowly but surely. I heard him laugh and being himself, even though it wasn't in front of me but I felt much better than any day I felt throughout this one month. Suddenly at that moment, I realized that I wasn't obsessively concerned of my own wants and needs anymore. It is the best for both of us to continue pursuing whatever makes us happy even if it means parting ways. I think I'm slowly gaining strength to move on by myself. I've been severely spoilt. >,<

And the song responsible for releasing my floodgates;

Fall For You
Secondhand Serenade



"I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start"

Trying Hard To Survive The Worst Of Life's Problems.

I'll be going back Ipoh for surgery for my wrist. I hope that's for the best. I've already lost plenty of things and by the grace of God, I am able to sustain the things that are important to me.

I just finished watching Absolute Boyfriend (Live Action). It's one of the type of stories where the main characters were never meant to be together from the very start but they fell in love anyways. The ending wasn't entirely saddening to me because the very least, the characters had loved but lost, they can remain happy knowing there was such an important event in their lives once. Yup, it's possible to move on.

I had 2 days break but yet I'm still disinterested in the assignment department. I must apologize to myself but I don't have enough strength to climb up completely. I'm no longer confused and heartbroken, but I still haven't got past the stage of being very dissatisfied and let down especially by someone who I became so close with. I think it's best that I let sleeping dogs lie. Besides, knowing things that would drag me down even lower isn't going to do anything better for me. Let go.

Very honestly, C grew to become a very prominent figure in my everyday life before I realized it. Now that he's gone, I begin to see and feel so many voids. It's like things you used to share, belongs to yourself completely now. It is a shocking and sudden change of lifestyle. I'm glad that from the start he always challenged me to become a stronger and better person. We were always at loggerheads since the very beginning and both hated to lose. I really hate to lose. Therefore, I will never stand before him a loser.

Good God. Help me to let go. I don't even want a chance to be back together again.

Miss You Love
by Maria Mena

I've run out of complicated theories
So now I'm taking back my words
and I'm preparing for the breakdown
Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you
And the bathroom's still a mess
Remind me why we decided this was for the best

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
Love..

I know the distance is a factor
But I stretch as often as I can
My goal's to reach your hands any day now
Please don't blame me for trying
To fix this one last time
I have a hard time as it is

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love

Don't act like you don't know me
It's still me I never changed
I'll be here when you come back

And I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
love..

Don't act like you don't know me
It's still me, I haven't changed
I'll be here when you come back
And I miss you love.