I was so drowsy in the evening (only Sunday evenings), I fell asleep at 6pm and woke up at 2am. Strictly 8 hours. Tried rolling around to fall back asleep, but guess my fuel tank was at max and I felt hungry (since I skipped dinner). Rather than to have disturbing thoughts invading my head, I went online with hopes to distract myself. I'll be just crapping a lil bit on my blog to tired myself out.
Aish. Nowadays, I feel the familiar sickness I felt in when I was still in Inti. Lost, indecisive, forsaken, paranoid, unsure, lost of self esteem and confidence (and maybe contemplatively suicidal when I couldn't get things figured out). Only this time, it's different because I've been through it before and kinda believe that things will work out eventually like it did. I knew that I had 2 years in between those 2 dark periods that I was genuinely happy. I'm working to find it again.
Recently, it's been like a long while that I fluctuated between banging into walls and hiding myself. Being in fear is crippling. In a way, I recognize my instilled paranoia. These days, I walk out of my house wearing an invisible blanket, sometimes I just refuse to go out. I refuse to come out of Ipoh, it's paralysingly frightening. I have yet to understand my current fear, but it is familiar. I need to remember how I overcame it before.
Lately, the only thing that sustains me and my sanity is my chikopeers. It's like a outlet for me to become who I am (obviously defying conventional human behavior), not get judged for not living up to 'standard' (whatever that is) and I'm actually making people happy. Like sometimes, I feel (A WHOLE LOT) that I have to do certain things in order to feel worthy of approval and acceptance. Like acting proper, adapting common views, fulfilling social obligations... It honestly bores me to death, but yes, maybe I was abandoned here accidentally by my spaceship.
Emo quote: I feel like I don't belong!!
I mean, I honestly want to be liked/loved. It just feels utterly meaningless if I had to fake my way to get it. Eg. getting a Law Degree so that everyone would feel proud of me, acting really girly/feminine/proper so that guys would dig me, acting that I'm happy with myself and my life because they think I shouldn't be unhappy with all the things I have.
Mebbe it's reality catching up. Studies are totally over, I'm getting overexposed to the real world. I have NEW obligations to live up to other than just scoring As. Apparently, they are a whole hell harder than just scoring As. Stuff that include; getting a decent job, making loads of money, buying a house, getting married, having kids, and life begins once again...
I'm just tired, leave me alone. I want to live in peace. Better still, living a free, bohemian chiko lifestyle till I die.
---
Good luck Malat and Ling for upcoming exams.
Aish. Nowadays, I feel the familiar sickness I felt in when I was still in Inti. Lost, indecisive, forsaken, paranoid, unsure, lost of self esteem and confidence (and maybe contemplatively suicidal when I couldn't get things figured out). Only this time, it's different because I've been through it before and kinda believe that things will work out eventually like it did. I knew that I had 2 years in between those 2 dark periods that I was genuinely happy. I'm working to find it again.
Recently, it's been like a long while that I fluctuated between banging into walls and hiding myself. Being in fear is crippling. In a way, I recognize my instilled paranoia. These days, I walk out of my house wearing an invisible blanket, sometimes I just refuse to go out. I refuse to come out of Ipoh, it's paralysingly frightening. I have yet to understand my current fear, but it is familiar. I need to remember how I overcame it before.
Lately, the only thing that sustains me and my sanity is my chikopeers. It's like a outlet for me to become who I am (obviously defying conventional human behavior), not get judged for not living up to 'standard' (whatever that is) and I'm actually making people happy. Like sometimes, I feel (A WHOLE LOT) that I have to do certain things in order to feel worthy of approval and acceptance. Like acting proper, adapting common views, fulfilling social obligations... It honestly bores me to death, but yes, maybe I was abandoned here accidentally by my spaceship.
Emo quote: I feel like I don't belong!!
I mean, I honestly want to be liked/loved. It just feels utterly meaningless if I had to fake my way to get it. Eg. getting a Law Degree so that everyone would feel proud of me, acting really girly/feminine/proper so that guys would dig me, acting that I'm happy with myself and my life because they think I shouldn't be unhappy with all the things I have.
Mebbe it's reality catching up. Studies are totally over, I'm getting overexposed to the real world. I have NEW obligations to live up to other than just scoring As. Apparently, they are a whole hell harder than just scoring As. Stuff that include; getting a decent job, making loads of money, buying a house, getting married, having kids, and life begins once again...
I'm just tired, leave me alone. I want to live in peace. Better still, living a free, bohemian chiko lifestyle till I die.
---
Good luck Malat and Ling for upcoming exams.
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