My Health Points Are Depleting Faster Than I Can Sneeze

*Heavy emo post ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

The weather is erratic. It is more often than not hot like hell in the afternoon and sometimes there are crazy thunderstorms in the evening. Both of these contribute to my lethargy.

Recently, I've been spiraling downwards. My appetite is all messed up. Sometimes, I over binge emotionally than out of hunger. Sometimes, I can't stomach the things I eat. I sleep too much, because it's the best way of escape from reality, but when I wake up I feel 10 times worst than before. Every morning for the past 500+ days,  I would agonize over why didn't I die in my sleep... because I really hate waking up to find that my life is the same old crap.

I thought going back to college will somewhat make me happier, somewhat it does. It's like the 10% I look forward to and it's the only thing that gets me going and disarms the reasons for being suicidal. The cup is still 90% empty, despite finally making some progress.

I work like an dazed, emotionless puppet in the office. I can just drown myself in work for the whole 8 hours without talking unless I'm spoken to on urgent matters. Stacie Orricco's 'There's Gotta Be More To Life' came on air one day.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I feel a huge black hole in my life. I myself find it weird claiming so. I have my room, my large number of pets, my less than ordinary garden and its perks, house parties ever so frequently, maids at my disposal, family... Despite that all, I feel hollow and unhappy. Why. Living in this household signifies eternal hopelessness and despair. 

People will give it all to be in my place. Why am I so burdened by the fact that there is a price to pay living such a life? Why do I feel so pained everyday? Why am I being disgusted with indulging in expensive food and luxuries? Why is this the ideal life and why am I being forced to believe so?

Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared of not having a roof above my head, it is unthinkable. I'm scared of enslaving myself to a job I hate just to keep that roof above my head. I'm not even qualified to worry about not being able to eat abalone constantly at this rate. In fact, having enough money to eat McDs is well sufficient and contenting.

I grew up being fed with words that my parents will give me everything as long as I do what I'm told. I stopped believing that long before graduation. Every living moment was a step to be independent of them.

I blogged about this with all honesty this time because I couldn't sleep with a rock in my heart. I have no other way of expressing myself without someone passing judgment. 

It's hard going through days silently. Not daring to complain that you hate your job because some other people are redundant or laid off. Not daring to complain about your family because obviously other people have it worst. I'm loosing faith in the family system. I should have nothing to complain about. My life is great (on the surface) to a lot of people. If I looked through their eyes, I would give it a rating of 9.0 out of 10.0.

Personally, being a human with feelings and individualistic judgment, I feel that my life has gone so wrong in so many ways, that if there was a reset button, I will hit it without hesitation. This game is so doomed, it does not deserve to see the daylight. That's the extent of how ashamed am I of my life. I'm serious when I said I want to reincarnate into a snail, as I feel it has more worthiness in its existence.

Despite being trying to be positive, have fun, do the things I thought I liked, the best I could do is temporary distraction. I can't stand this constant relapse of emotions and realize nothing has changed. I thought I was progressing but when I look closer, I never progressed at all but only built a facade over the starting point. This pisses me off completely. All the time and effort invested at doing something but it only manages to distract me from the main problem temporarily.

Totally feels like crap.