Accidents

Things that are out of my control. Despite being the control freak I am, things can just seep in from unseen corners taking me by surprise.

Today is one of the days I just ask myself why am I still here? What the F* am I doing? Why am I trying so hard to be happy just to be thrown down a ravine of sadness and depression again? Why do I only experience temporary highs of happiness but deeply inside there is a surge of grief and horror. 

For the many years, positive thinking is an exercise I do everyday. I don't want to think that I'm lying to myself by giving myself hope and consolation by looking from the other side of the box. Ultimately, it doesn't cover completely the other side of the coin. There is the obvious and concrete bad point and I try to revamp it to look like it is a blessing in disguise.

I really can't take the motions anymore. I can't stand being thrown straight down to depression hell after putting all that effort BELIEVING I can be truly happy with practice. It keeps repeating over and over and I'm really sick and tired having hell freezing over.

Enough.

I cannot fake it anymore. I cannot keep up with smiling when people try to bring me down and insult me. I cannot keep pretending that I don't give a crap about what people do to offend me. I cannot just live just to fulfil responsibilities and to take care of other people's feelings while putting my own aside.

I feel so F*ing sick I don't feel like living anymore.