Whose Happiness

It's a crazy month and I really hope I can withstand the high tension right throughout July till August.

Singapore Cosfest tomorrow, exam and assignment week, Steph's grad and after graduation party weekend, dissertation week and I'm the first one presenting (because I'm the one of the two people in batch 101), C2Age, Bon Odori (plus I have to sew our yukatas) and sigh, UK. 

Quite stressed out. I'm the kind who just needs a lot of personal time to recharge. I'll just enjoy everything to the max now and do my best to meet all the deadlines.

Anyway what I've been thinking lately, is about my general happiness level. 50% happy, 50% depressed. Good balance. Was there a time I was 100% happy, why YES. As in just happy and contented minding my own things and not being bothered or worried about anything. That was in primary school, UK and TOA. Between those times, it was hell. 

Today I just made a temporary decision to myself. That the fact exists that, I am capable of being happy. I am also a very sensitive soul. I can't take intense emotional hurt. I have proven to myself that I could stand back up after it but hey, sometimes, you can't keep gambling your existing happiness away. Like, I realized that I'm only trying to date other people because of the crazy pressure around. Annoying questions like when are you going to get married and blah keep coming like no tomorrow. Are people really so benevolent to care about your well being by encouraging you to get married? Mmm, if you intend to be so nice to me then I'd prefer it'd be in the form of cash.

So yeah, I question the intentions of people who keep pressuring you to get married. Are they really thinking for your benefit? Or they just want a chance to see you screw up at it?

Look, if you wanna get married yourself, please, by all means do so. I personally think marriage is a great and sacred thing, and to actually achieve a great marriage is something that is highly honorable and deserves respect. But marriage isn't for everyone, plus marriage doesn't guarantee a happily ever after and a sigh of relief. 

From my perspective, I don't want to simply settle. Like even when we go to the supermarket we pick the largest, prettiest and healthiest fruit in the whole lot. What more a partner who you're gonna share your life with and have kids with? Don't HH yourself and your future kids, just because your afraid that you're afraid to be left on the shelf. Okay so maybe some people are just despo, helpless and looking for a quick fix through marriage. That's fine too. It is human nature to be striving for convenience and comfort. But when I hear stories of women just putting up with their mens' crap, I feel quite disturbed. Their self worth is only determined when a man lets her hang around him. Sigh. 

I'm not here to judge and whatever, but that's just the case. What I'm more concerned is the honour of the choices that people make. Even if other people give their endless opinions, the choice is ours to make and other people should just go find something else beneficial to do. Like when I say ok, at the moment, being in a relationship isn't something I feel like doing at this moment, there is no need of speculating about the reasons why I don't want to. The reason may be: I got hurt before, I have low self confidence in myself, I'm gay, I have a bad attitude that repels men, I'm pretending to be a strong independent woman denying my need for a man. Like whatever. Why do you need to justify my decisions in life? I don't think God sends single men or women to hell just because they refuse to get married.

Honestly, no reason. I don't feel like it. I just like going through the motions of life and let it unfold naturally. Life is too short to worry about everything and it's totally out of control. I just date around, chat up a few guys and enjoy myself without having to envision how my future with every guy would be. Yeah you may be right that if I wait too long, I'll grow old and saggy and no one would want me. Surprise. Big deal. The guy would need to put up with the fact I'd grow old and saggy sooner or later. I don't want to interpret that if I can't get a guy, means I'm not attractive enough. Why would you want to adapt such a negative mentality for yourself? Thinking this way would only make you want to kill yourself faster out of self loathing and hypersensitivity.

My top priority lies in getting married and having a family of course, considering what a traditionalist I am.

My requirements aren't high, just that as long as we get along well and we feel that we're comfortable together, that's good enough. Mental wavelength has to be about equal, he needs to get my jokes and I get his. Like right now, I just need to detect whether I have any feel for that person. Plus feelings need to be reciprocated, not that if you like someone then can already.

But let's say, it wasn't meant to be. For whatever reason.

What am I supposed to do? Throw myself in the river, is it? Cannot also.

I don't want to think that it's utterly unacceptable to be unmarried. I'd like to look on the brighter side of things. They say you need a husband for company. Well, you have friends and family and pets. He's not the only living creature on earth. Plus, let's say you divorce him or he dies early? In the end, friends and family are the only people you can actually fall back to.

Financial support? Can't rely totally on him too. What if he becomes disabled, fired, disinherited or he spends all the money? Rich people can fall from grace too. It's more reliable to have your own secret stash that you have full control over.

Love? Love can make or break a person. 

Sometimes I would think, love is not worth having this permanent wound in your heart when something bad happens. The pain of being separated for whatever reason is just dreadful. Detaching your emotions from a person is worst that just tearing out your capillaries out of your body. It's not as easy to heal too. My personal motto is, being married is ideal and prolly the best option for people in general, but being single is way better that having your heart broken or dating the Mr. Wrong.

Some guy told me that love is about hugging, kissing and holding someone. Going out together for meals and all the funky stuff... 

I'd prolly won't exactly die without it. Actually not often I think about it. It's just like, "Oh yeah, okay." What about all this big hype that people get so jealous over all the time? 

To answer the big Q about when's my turn next? Dunno, see how it goes and be genuinely happy along the way.