The day I created you, I knew that my life would be miserable and messed up to the max. My so-called Red Bean Romance was exactly how I depicted it to be, so I'm not complaining. I also kinda fathomed that the contents I posted in you wouldn't be as pink and cute as the layout but I kept the theme anyways so that I can come to you looking for solace and comfort (and hopefully my mood is colour coordinated with yours). At least, you don't answer back and judge me, and always made me feel like my rants made some sense if any.
Tragic birthdays? 4 so far make it to the list, don't wanna talk about the first 3. This year, dad's sick.
Why do bad things happen, I will never know, and I don't care to figure out anymore. I thought, if its God's will dad recovers, he'll recover even if we don't openly ask for it but for some reason God doesn't wanna heal, even if the whole country prays, tragedy is still unavoidable. Like his last operation. Everyone prayed like crazy, but it didn't work out as hoped. Then we'll just wonder, did we not pray and have faith enough and end up beating ourselves over it.
Mebbe I've been hurt too much, I don't want to have a 101% expectation that he will get well and not be prepared for the worst. Coz that would be the time it'll hit me x10 the damage. I wish to not be hit off balance if anything happens. No, it's not that I don't believe in God's miracles. I just don't have the energy to cry, beg, plead and stress and be expected to have more energy to swallow the universal grief and disappointment when he chooses omission.
Sometimes I think, why does it seem so easy to die, but somehow me myself, I don't make it? A lot of people just drop and pass on. Even like Po, poof, gone. Even though we expect it coming, we don't expect it coming.
Budak says, everyday we just attach excuses which hinder us from doing what we really wanna do. Like we hang around home because we make excuses that our family needs us. There's a lingering choice that we could actually just get up and leave and they would just have to deal with it. Then maybe at that moment, we realize that they didn't need us as much as WE thought they did.
I always thought that, if Po is gone, my bane of existence disappears too. I dealt it for nearly a year, lingering on always hoping that something phenomenal would happen to change my life to the better, PERMANENTLY. I don't think it exists, and I'm quite tired of waiting. I just live on temporary highs I create for myself, and to be thrown once more in hopelessness, rinse and repeat. I ask, what's the bloody point of life?! To go through this moronic cycle?
I don't think everyone has the power to forge their own destiny (like all those positive thinking books I read). I think they are called to it by divine intervention so if you're not the chosen one, then you're just doomed to banality. I ideally thought I could be someone special and so much effort and sacrifice was made in the process. Then at some point, I kinda think, actually I'm just a lazy person, being able to eat and sleep is good enough, why the hell am I always trying to humiliate myself by challenging destiny?
There I go again. Thanks for being with me nonetheless even though I'll admit that I wasn't the greatest blog mistress. I don't really believe I will become any more happier in the remnants of my life so please bear with me for whatever years that I have left.
Part of me wants to start life anew. Part of me is wishing for it to just end there.
My only comfort in life is knowing that there's an end to it.
Sincerely and sadly,
WK
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