Weak

Recently, I feel as if I'm in another long tunnel. 

There are things that inspire me for a brief moment, but I eventually fall into hopelessness again. I grow weary from constantly binging on temporary highs to convince myself that life has some meaning.

I think bout grandma, she's no longer there. I can't even walk into her room since the day she died.

Feeling a great loss and emptiness. I lost a person who cared, supported and pampered me. It's like even though I don't talk much to her, she would still somehow find out what is going on with my life and try to rectify it some way or another. I feel that no one else can make me hang on to life as strongly as she did. I kept putting off giving up because I didn't want to sadden her of all people.

Being strong is fueled by a purpose. I don't seem to have any more.

I feel as if the life I'm living is a beautiful facade. Hollow and thoroughly messed up inside. I feel insecure when I'm told that all that matters about myself is my background and all the support I'm receiving. Most of the time, I can't really tell whether people are being real to me because they appreciate who I am or some other purpose. I'm tired of being judged by my background. I hate it when people say that my achievements were because I was already compensated for and did not need effort or sacrifice. 

These are the moments I wish that I would stop having the need to defend myself, because honestly I don't really care about being higher/better than thou and I don't have the extra energy to flaunt myself around. 

Only lowly people who have no confidence in themselves will try to shoot at people supposedly better off than them and bring them to their level. Why don't you use your time and resources to do something more beneficial to improve your own situation instead? Everyone has problems if you don't know already. 

So tired. 

Wants to just cry myself to sleep and hope I'll feel better the next day.