Resistance Is Futile

I feel a great sadness in my heart.

I really feel like giving up. 

I'm never living up to expectations. It's always never enough. It's always other people are always better than me.

So many things I've given up for the family; my dreams, my youth, my studies, my ideal career, my ideal life...

And they bite back saying I'm not good enough. 

Who screwed up my future in the first place? Who put this permanent mark of punishment on my head? Who put me in this situation where I can't even lift my head up in society because I feel I am failing them? Who put me in this spiralling depression and insanity pushes me off the edge every so often?

I can't take your emotional abuse any longer.

---

Feels like my head got hit by a meteor and my eyes are burning from crying.

God, I'm a mess.

I feel as if I'm spiraling to hell.

Normally, I haven't vented this much since I left for the UK and then went to TOA. Those felt like my golden years. The last epic catastrophic phase was in Inti where everything felt absolutely hopeless; my parents refused to understand, I struggled with a subject I hated, I was socially retarded and suffered from the lack of self esteem. 

I did a lot of crazy things then.. Somehow I thank God I don't resort to doing them any more.

Most of the time now, I get the feeling that I'm a shame to my family and like the only way to make up for my failure as a daughter is just end my life so that I will not continue shaming them anymore.

I am unable to be what they want me to be and I am unable to come to a compromise with them. Our ideals are impossible to coexist. 

I refuse to let them destroy the next 30 years of my life.

I am unable to meet their standards, ever. Each time I achieve something, they would only raise the bar higher. First they want me to study law, then take the bar, then chamber, practice, open a legal firm, go to court, be a judge and go into politics and mebbe become GOD eventually. It realize it is impossible to satisfy them, ever.

(That's why I want to stop trying.)

I eventually start believing there is something severely wrong with me. I'm useless. I'm stupid. I take my life for granted. I daydream too much and unreceptive of reality. I'm lazy, undriven and unambitious. I'm incapable of reaching that level of intellectual and financial success. I am a failure as a human being. I fail in life. I feel as if my parents are heartbroken and devastated to have a daughter like me. I owe them so much and yet I'm defaulting in my payment to them.