Seems a long time, but it isn't very long since Po passed away. The heartache hasn't ceased. Maybe it's because everything has been going downhill after she passed on. At least when she was around, I would still see justice upheld. I felt protected in a way, cared for, I had someone to back me up. The majority of the time I felt I was misunderstood and opposed, but to know that Po supported whatever I wanted to do (even though iI really don't know whether it made any sense to her), that is good enough.
She knew I didn't like Law. While she was alive, I have never heard her expecting me to be a lawyer or trying to convince me to be one. She never ever brought this topic up with me. In fact, I heard from my aunt that she told my mother off for making me study something I didn't want to study. And allocated my funds specifically for art college because she knew my parents didn't have the capability to send me to college.
What is happening now, is even crazier than then. At least during that period of time, I was given some kind of HOPE.
Hope that I just had to study law and I'll be free from this entire family obligation. Please grandpa. Graduate and get to study art. Life will be easier because I'll have funds to live on. Splurge a bit, buy the things I always wanted to buy. Less worries. Live like Paris Hilton maybe.
The whole thing was a blatant lie.
I worry every night how to pay off my college fees and still be left with enough money to do the things I like to do, enough money to move out when I get a job, enough money to buy a house, enough money to have a family and enough money to feed my kids and send them to school... Marrying rich is something you strike with luck. The average man earns 3k. 1k goes to the mortgage/rent, 1.5k to the family expenses, left with a measly 500 for personal use and emergencies. Barely enough to live. Even if you earn 5k, it gets spent in the same ratio, so technically, the higher salaried person isn't any way better off having reliable assets other than his job. What I'm trying to say is that it is highly likely I'm going to marry someone around this category, because realistically, there aren't many eligible rich men floating around. And even if there is, how likely is one willing to marry me, right? So, no, unfortunately this is not a available solution for me.
I suppose when you work in a conveyancing firm long enough, you could tell the really rich from those who try to act rich but actually living on credit. Honestly, our jobs can only afford us so much.
Anyways, continue with ranting. There are a couple stuff I'd really like to have, like a new computer to work on (my laptop is officially fried, and now I have to rely on the college labs) and upgrades for my camera. Food I can cut down, traveling I can't budget quite well, shopping isn't necessary. I get quite angry because I feel that the things I need aren't unreasonable and it's not like we cannot afford it. But what the heck is the issue for asking for money? Dad makes it like climbing up Mount Everest; you don't know whether you'll be able to reach there eventually. I'm really tired of asking for funds. Which is really agonizing, because on one hand you want to concentrate on studying, pursue the college life you always wanted and have time tat the end of the day to do work and de-stress, but you have to worry about money because you're not working.
I'm really frustrated because he rather spend money pleasing other people and showing off rather than even contributing to his children's education or well being. Sigh, there are just so many more unpleasant stories but I'll just stop here. Injustice. It's revolting. It's like grandfather's manipulation tactics all over again.
It's like I'm being thrown at the beginning of Law again. The only way out is to endure it to the end. And HOPE.
I think Po might be proud that I'm making it despite everything. But knowing her, she would never had let me go through such thing. Knowing that is enough.
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