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Happy Mid-Autumn!~ I hope everyone is well and in good health. Don't eat too much mooncakes because there's high sugar content in it.

Gees my lips are tearing apart because of dryness and I peel them out of frustration.

Today, I just blurted out that I wanted to eject myself out of my life. You know like the eject button they have in the plane and you press it when your plane is about to crash. I was really amused with someone's cute effort to help me 'eject' today. You have no idea how much I wanted to take on that offer, it became the highlight of the day Unfortunately as usual, I had to decline because I am guilt driven to live up to a lot of expectations. I think mum will just melt without me right now but because she's my mum, it's just the right thing to look after her and give support. 

I'll just complain and complain here only. It hasn't been coming out my lips that I'm upset over a lot of things. I'm just quiet about the whole issue and it bothers me in little doses. When I look back the past one month (or 2 years in grand total), I can say at this moment, I am impervious to any more incoming pain.

I'm much like a walking zombie who can't really mentally or emotionally absorb what's going on. On top of my own personal unresolved issues, an addition of stuff like these just makes me totally BLUR. As in, I feel that it angers/saddens/bores me but it's stuck in my throat and will not come out. I dislike this storm of responsibility that is dragging me back to the starting point. I just don't want to be in this position that I've been trying to escape my entire life. It took me 97% of my life to convince myself that I had a right of choice of how I want to live. Not constantly being told of what to do. It's like living with a manual constantly in your hand.

Honestly, I wished that everyone just go fk themselves with their own problems, not involve other people just because they need some verification or attention. I don't care lor, whatever la, just fk off. I don't like it when people are like, "This hasn't been done" and looks at you. If it's not done, then just go do it lor. You can't be expecting me to do everything but when I do it my way, you 'beh song' and force me to do it your way. Then do it yourself in the first place and not waste everyone's time and energy la.

Some moments it even occurs to me to just beg them to leave me alone. You are all full grown adults, can you please be more independent and stop relying on me for every damn thing. Keep saying that its for my own good but in pretext, it's for your own benefit entirely lor.

Isn't the meaning of life to be happy? Isn't being happy living a life of meaning? Everyone has their own individual meaning and it deserves respect and regard. I never inconvenienced or burdened other people with my decisions or at least I try very hard not to. Probably because of this trait, I expect people not to cross the boundaries and shove their stuff into my face.

On the other hand, I've been hearing extremely depressing news about laws in a lot of countries (even in M'sia) allowing divorced spouses, men and women alike, to claim alimony or spousal support from the more affluent spouse. Now, as a general rule, I look down on men who leech of their wives/gfs for money. I respect if both have equal if not the man having higher earning capabilities. And the thought  right after divorcing the bastard, you still have to give him benefits. In my personal context, I hate the idea of divorce. In fact, it shouldn't be an option. If I had to divorce a man, it would have been something so serious at the extent of committing some unforgivable, cardinal sin. Like OMG Britney Spears paying that loser K-Fed alimony. It's just disgusting. You have to slog like a cow to feed the kids, deal with the opinions emotions and you're not even allowed to have some sort of satisfaction from revenge by ditching the ass-O. Fk what kind of law is this?

Why am I worried you ask? Of course I am worried. 9 out of 10 of the women I know are financially more able than their bfs/brothers/fathers even among the poorer class. (1 is filthy rich and the parents will never run out of cash) Usually, it's girls who have stable jobs and good saving habits. Even those who shop like a maniac, knows how to miraculously  unwind herself from bankruptcy. Another shameful fact is some guy friends have asked me to borrow them money because they're flat broke, despite the fact that they are employed and I'm not. (If you do read this, I just hope that you should take a good look at your financial health and not make borrowing a habit, I'm not even your girlfriend, hey) So yeah, I don't look highly at the earning capabilities of most men but I still try to give them the benefit of the doubt. 

That is why I am sickly concerned. Moreover, if I had any wealth in my life, it would be money given to me by parents, and I keep thinking to myself, this isn't MY money to squander. It's my parents hard earned money, the kind of money my dad had to work for being separated from the family for weeks and risked dying in multiple landslides throughout his time at work and when he finally retires, he passes away prematurely. I don't even have a dad now to scrutinize and warn his future son in law to treat me well if not, he will do something nasty to him. And to think if after your husband screws your life up with his bad behavior, the law does not protect you from him continuing to rob even more things from your life. What spousal support my grand arse?! He has his arms and legs and is not a spastic. He should go work and support himself la. Especially if the fkr has been using MY money to fund the mistress/gamble/alcoholism/smoking/pay illegal debts. Then what's the point of divorcing him?

Summarily, marry someone richer than you or NEVER let him know how much you have if you're obviously richer.