It seems like all I could do everyday of the year is to wait for a better day to come...
2 weeks+ since our chiko guild went on official hiatus again. It feels like more than a month. 4 months to go till December. Among the things I want to do then is to go backpacking across the country, squish into a tiny hotel room, ride elephants and dolphins, shop for bohemian styled clothing, swim in the sea, paraglide, karaoke on loop and eat like there's gonna be a famine coming soon.
2 weeks+ since our chiko guild went on official hiatus again. It feels like more than a month. 4 months to go till December. Among the things I want to do then is to go backpacking across the country, squish into a tiny hotel room, ride elephants and dolphins, shop for bohemian styled clothing, swim in the sea, paraglide, karaoke on loop and eat like there's gonna be a famine coming soon.
Nameless is still dead. It's been more than 3 weeks. This is not normal. No explanation. Nameless is the oldest RO server; I could only speculate that they're doing some super major upgrade for the 3rd job change. I'm waiting for the miraculous resurrection Tsukina, Skye, Beatrixx and the rest.
I can't help but to admit that this week is jammed packed with complaints. So many events that I was so dissatisfied with that I think if I complained anymore, upstairs would strike me with bird poop one day for being ungrateful. I've been complaining about everything under the sky; work, money, studies, my life, my future, money again, my family, my car, my house, my health, my pomelo ass etc. I've definitely got better coverage than my insurance policy.
I think I'm the only one who remembers the month of August is a matter of life and death. My heart is getting dull. I cease to collect strength, motivation, purpose or reason to fight on. I'm scared of gambling my life away because the stakes are strictly 50-50. I might win; I'll be the happiest person alive, I don't mind dying 1000 times. I might also loose; then life would just loose meaning and I'd rather be dead than be given the 1000 chances to live.
I want something. Badly. Badly enough that my existence revolves around it. I watch some people pursue things which other people would think are stupid or foolish or even wrong. But they do it anyway, it's a bit screwed up, but that's what allows them to wake up every morning and thank God they're alive.
I'm dragging my time. I'm putting off making decisions. I surround myself with options only to feed my insecurity of what if I made a wrong choice. Unless someone drops the axe on me, I don't think I will move from where I am.
Recently, I wonder among the conflict of interest between making your own decisions and asking God to guide you in making decisions. Maybe God has his reasons for certain events to take place, sometimes I would like to believe that he let me into this world to grow on my own, but he watches me if I fall.
Most of the time, I'd want to believe that God has heard my prayers and has someone worthwhile waiting for me at the end of the road. Maybe I'm too screwed up to deserve such a person.
I thought our first meeting was one in a thousand. I thought our second meeting again was one in a million. And I thought the mutual feelings for each other after all these time was, strange, unbelievable and special.
Break.
Why do I feel that I can not run away from you even if the world comes in between us? Why do I grow dull at the thought of your absolute absence and shine only in your presence? I can't help it. Even if my mind, body and soul tears apart from you, my heart starts to die. Everyday I tell myself it's for the best, why is it so wrong and unnatural? Why do I keep denying my love for you... It's not as simple as, my pet died, get a new one. It's unnatural, you're probably irreplaceable.
I might just need more time.
I can't help but to admit that this week is jammed packed with complaints. So many events that I was so dissatisfied with that I think if I complained anymore, upstairs would strike me with bird poop one day for being ungrateful. I've been complaining about everything under the sky; work, money, studies, my life, my future, money again, my family, my car, my house, my health, my pomelo ass etc. I've definitely got better coverage than my insurance policy.
I think I'm the only one who remembers the month of August is a matter of life and death. My heart is getting dull. I cease to collect strength, motivation, purpose or reason to fight on. I'm scared of gambling my life away because the stakes are strictly 50-50. I might win; I'll be the happiest person alive, I don't mind dying 1000 times. I might also loose; then life would just loose meaning and I'd rather be dead than be given the 1000 chances to live.
I want something. Badly. Badly enough that my existence revolves around it. I watch some people pursue things which other people would think are stupid or foolish or even wrong. But they do it anyway, it's a bit screwed up, but that's what allows them to wake up every morning and thank God they're alive.
I'm dragging my time. I'm putting off making decisions. I surround myself with options only to feed my insecurity of what if I made a wrong choice. Unless someone drops the axe on me, I don't think I will move from where I am.
Recently, I wonder among the conflict of interest between making your own decisions and asking God to guide you in making decisions. Maybe God has his reasons for certain events to take place, sometimes I would like to believe that he let me into this world to grow on my own, but he watches me if I fall.
Most of the time, I'd want to believe that God has heard my prayers and has someone worthwhile waiting for me at the end of the road. Maybe I'm too screwed up to deserve such a person.
I thought our first meeting was one in a thousand. I thought our second meeting again was one in a million. And I thought the mutual feelings for each other after all these time was, strange, unbelievable and special.
Break.
Why do I feel that I can not run away from you even if the world comes in between us? Why do I grow dull at the thought of your absolute absence and shine only in your presence? I can't help it. Even if my mind, body and soul tears apart from you, my heart starts to die. Everyday I tell myself it's for the best, why is it so wrong and unnatural? Why do I keep denying my love for you... It's not as simple as, my pet died, get a new one. It's unnatural, you're probably irreplaceable.
I might just need more time.
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