Happy 2012!

My Red Bean Romance is not dead!

In fact... MRBR has made a fresh start again. The romance that inspired me with this name for my blog in 2008, apparently has a sequel. Dun dun dun...

I may talk about it sometime soon, when I feel inspired to do so, but yeah, just a heads up that a brand new life has started again for me. Same old problems but being faced by a evolutional person, I could say. 4:46am during a school day isn't the greatest time to be drafting a intellectual blogpost!

I was rather delighted to discover that...

Blogger has an iPhone app! Therefore, this is the virgin post made from my phone. I think I blogged through my Blackberry before, but getting the blogger app was ideally what I wanted! The itunes store has virtually EVERYTHING you can imagine.

Short posts: pretty okay. Long posts: break my wrist eventually.

So looking forward to a new start and hopefully more blogposts.

Proof That Procrastination Is Not Always Bad

So I suppose most of you guys have already known (or about to know) that I'm a g-damned procrastinator. The only person (I acknowledge) worst than me is probably my roommate during our college days, because at least my assignments would have been finished 6 hours before 8 am of the due date, whereas she would have just started drafting her assignment points and I would help her type it out of panic that she won't be able to make it with that kind of speed that she is going. However, it always ends up that she would get the highest marks in class despite the behind the scenes chaos, stress and tears. She's a totally different person now that she is in the working world because it demands the impossible from you with much dire consequences if unfulfilled.

Anyway, I have a serious confession to make. Right until today, I haven't managed to book my return ticket from London-Kuala Lumpur. My relatives have been nagging me since January to have everything booked so that I would not end up with no flights or accommodation during the summer break since it's a peak season. I gave in 90% to their nagging and booked almost everything just to have them off my back, but I have this extremely rebellious streak that made me just dilly dally with my return flight. I had this mentality that I would always do it 'tomorrow'. And that was since March.

So yesterday night, I started to have a fear of no flights or the price going even higher and I made a resolution to myself that I would get it done the next day, no excuses. I was rather worrisome about the fact that the price might have gone up but I'd still have to buy the tickets nonetheless... (ego issues)

All this while, I kept lying that I had everything settled, so that everyone would stop questioning me. :P However, it is pointless that I tell them because no one actually makes the effort to remember that they have asked me, and I would be thrown the same question again the next time we talk about it despite the many times I have told them. Same goes for the exact dates that we're going. 

So prior to that these were the prices when I checked between the period of February to May. (Yes, I often clicked on the MAS site to check whether the flight is still there or whether the price has gone up but I couldn't make the extra effort to book the bloody tickets then!) 

I got rejected when I tried to pay the above price with my credit card because that was  over the limit so I had to wait a little till my credit recuperated. And this is the price when I checked today...

My G. It's like HALF the price. And for 30 seconds I thought I might have purchased the wrong flight or there was some internal error or a scam (being the cynic I am)... 

30 seconds later, I just made the purchase because I was in fear that the price will shoot up like how it does in Air Asia and other budget airlines even if you're slower by a split second and you will have to bear with the agony that the price went up RM20-50-100 (it is money also, okay!). 

So at the end of the day, I have all the tickets and stuff booked and I can live peacefully without being haunted by the fact of outstanding to-dos. The best part is the 50% cheaper I had to pay. Yay for procrastination (this round)!

Mid Year Update (Yes I Noticed!)

Hi long time no see,

Now the reason that you finally get to see me typing a blog post is because this is what happened...

I don't know how 'shortly' it means but when that happened I just lost 60% of my life's purpose on the internet (incl. Restaurant City, Pet Society, It Girl, Millionaire City and random stalking on other people's FB activities, spamming photos uploaded from my BB etc.) 

After the long absence from blogging, I am somewhat inspired to make a comeback with some random updates and musings. I am actually surprised people still drop by once in a while (so bored meh?!) but (touchingly) knowing that, I shall make the effort to humour you guys with whatever's left of my writing skills.

I haven't been blogging for ages because at one point I was looking for a web hosting for photoblogs, the kind I can mass upload photos and leave remarks and descriptions at a click (like FB) rather than rearranging and separately uploading them onto blogger. Too tedious.  Plus this was fueled by the fact that I only have a tiny readers base (not even 5% of my FB friends know of the existence of my blog!). I prefer to keep it personal to the existing people who have been following me since the beginning. That being said, in contradiction, I actually enjoy the responses and attention I get from posting updates on FB... Also, it's probably because I have grown older and exhausted much of the angst generated by my youth, so I don't have much incentive to vent it out through blogging as I used to. 

Blogging takes so much time off my hands. 7 minutes have since passed after typing these few paragraphs! But enough of the excuses!~

What has been up during the first quarter of the year. A couple of trips around, mainly beach trips to Pangkor and Sipadan, been to HK twice, to KL a gabazillion of times, Penang and Melaka once each. Right now I just refuse to go anywhere further than 20 kilometers from my house (20 km is where I go to work now) for the reason of fatigue of traveling. All the rush, stress, punctuality to board planes, worry that I packed everything and the fear of getting pick pocketed has weakened my nerves and I need time to recuperate.

So, here's a short topic that has been boggling my mind for the past few days. It's about 'Loving Unconditionally'. 

I, for one, believe in unconditional love... with the fine print at the bottom. The type you don't quite notice it is there or don't bother to read until one day you commit something against the tiny terms and conditions, which brings you unbearable consequences.

I suppose it's common (especially within Asian families), because although throughout your whole life, your parents give birth to you and throw in their entire/partial life savings into grooming you to become the ideal superior human being (although Idk wtf is that) and when you fail to achieve that level, all their actions of love somewhat transform into 'hostility'. This includes constant comparing/humiliation/insulting, beating down your self esteem, beating you with a stick/slipper/clothes hanger/frying pan/broom, guilt trips, eviction from comfort (food/shelter), denial of privileges. Just to name a few.

I've been told by my cousin, CML, that one lady actually paid for her daughter to have plastic surgery and bought her a sports car (?!!!) so that she can attract a good marriage. (Lucky her?) So summarily, her mom and future bf, can only love her if she fulfills those certain requirements.

I bet somewhere along any of your relationships, you would ask you significant other, "What do you love about me?" or "Why did you choose to be with me (among all other people?)" 

I would ask that because, all my life I've assumed that I was 'still kept around' and given privileges because I was indispensable to the family. I mean look, if I wasn't around, everybody will be having a hard time (admits everyone). And most of the time, I actually question the intentions of people who wanted to be friends with me. (Mebbe coz I'm nice.)

So far, everyone who has claimed that they were my dad's best friends, have conned the F* out of me. Therefore, everyone who I come across, I hereby see them as guilty until proven innocent.

So here was my bf's answer. He said, there was no reason for loving me, he just did. If he has a reason, it wouldn't be called love at all. Yeah, I totally see his point. Or maybe, he probably was just too lazy/sleepy to think out a proper reason or that question just took him by surprise, he couldn't think out an answer on the spot so he just came up with a diverting answer that sounded good. In a way, I could just settle for the answer and be happy, or I should feel slightly insulted because it implied that there is nothing especially attractive/interesting that he noticed about me in order to be with me. Idk. :S

That being said, I had my reasons to be with him now (despite perceiving him as a /insert derogatory remark here/ when we first met). For example, a lot of people think he's good husband/father material, extremely responsible and hardworking. The bonus is that he has a few outstanding achievements as well. Don't really want to sound too showy because he's humble about his own status (which is something I also admire). But yeah, those are the few reasons I convince myself to stay with him even though he pisses me off every once in a while. I mean like, let's be honest, how much better can this get? (Plus it's not like I'm getting any younger...) Other than looking at the exterior qualifications, I give him a lot of credit for being someone I can depend on and talk to about on a personal level.

So... personally, I don't really think it is possible to love someone completely free of conditions. The most that we could do it tell them that we don't like their behavior and if the relationship is important to them as well, they would do something about it in order to coexist with us.

Peace out.

Happy 2011

December is always the busiest month of the year. I thought I was going to drown in the amount of things lined up. At first, I thought I would be able to have a break doing absolutely nothing at all from the 27th up to New Year's Day. Unfortunately, my 27th morning started with me cursing mercilessly whosoever the SOB who announced I back from overseas when I received my on the job phone call early 27th morning.

Mebbe the older I get, the less I need to blog out my life! Hopefully, it's because I haven't started to warm up with inspiration yet. Hopefully, it's just because I'm insanely busy.

As tradition, this is 2011's resolution:-

1. Graduate with good grades. And I can move on with the next stage of life and there will be one major thing off my shoulders.

2. Be able to handle everything more wisely and efficiently. Kill as many giants as I can. Be bigger bitch.

3. Have a fixed source income. Achieved!~ Save and reinvest and watch my money grow to epic proportions (my standard of 'epic' for this is actually really low!). 50% discount on properties less than RM350k (as compared to last 2 years RM250k) What do you know, my procrastination has achieved something decent again...

4. Be healthy and youthful to enjoy the fruits of my labour.

5. Taking cosplay to an international level. 

6. Loose more fat and flab. In metrics, wants to loose another 7 kilos.

7. Have more fun outings with friends. Wants to go to Japan with CML after our graduation.

8. Be more open minded & hearted and learn not to take offense from whoever. Shoot them back if it's too fun to pass up. 

I give up trying to be punctual. Mebbe if I give up trying, I might actually improve...

I actually achieved almost everything (or in partial) in 2010's resolution list except the aforementioned...

Hmm, this is probably a good time to mention this. That there's a guy I know who is really attentive to a lot of things I do or say, which is sweet. Decent credentials, stable job. He does have some minor attributes that I dislike (like being too quiet and then saying that I'm the one who is quiet and not answering my questions properly). Nothing's confirmed anytime soon because it's really still too early to tell (mebbe because we're both really slow people). Recently, I've just been thinking I would be a total idiot if I passed him up. But I'm not really sure, to be honest.

Talk to you guys soon!

About Being Judgemental

They say, don't judge a man unless you have spent a month walking in his shoes.

I think I get reasonably agitated when people just spout condemnation about things they don't have at least 60% of understanding. I'd admit sometimes, I get too fixated on criticisms and harsh comments. Not only it's a insulting blow to my ego, but I get frustrated because it can actually come from people whom I care about or whose approval I'd like to get. As CML would say, they criticize, but at the end of the day, they actually care about your well being and they would offer you help when in need. I buy that.

My way of trying to deal with this issue is not to go against it head on, but (for extremely BS criticisms I receive), I have determined to just let them flow down the drain into the sewer (where it should rightfully belong).

For ages, I've been thinking that I would avoid people who have nothing but toxicity in their tongues before they ruin me mentally. Mebbe most families are such; they don't sing praises about your achievements (unless it brings them glory too), but harp on your shortcomings and failures. 

I'm fed up with people commenting about how my hobbies or interests embarrass them. Just to save trouble, I normally keep most of my personal things under wraps. I totally understand how hard it is for people to accept things out of the ordinary (maybe especially for the residents of a less mentally evolved city(?) like Ipoh, despite given city status, yeah). Just realized, no it doesn't work that way, people just like to dig up shit about your life and throw it back at you. 

I am bent on sticking back to my personal standards no matter what these people throw at me. I fully aware that it is an assault to my self esteem and an attempt to force their ideals onto someone else. Please. How great is YOUR life anyway after following that same set of ideals for all your life? Like I have mentioned earlier, only unhappy people who have issues with their own lives and feel threatened by the genuine happiness of others have the tendency to criticize others. It's because they are talking with their emotions more than with their brain. 

Honestly, sometimes when I see a cosplayer who isn't very convincing (or visually unappealing, there I said it), I am strongly tempted to criticize. What made me cease being highly critical of them was the fact that I realize that they are doing something out of enjoyment and to derive happiness from and I have no right to crush them down because of my own standards of aesthetics. Imagine you yourself being criticized. Only then you would realize it's an unnecessarily hurtful and mean thing.

I don't think one must be PERFECT to be happy.

Unhappiness is part of life and it's up to ourselves to seek out what actually fulfills us. That's the meaning of being human. Happiness isn't the absence of sadness, but more to how we deal with that sadness in order to feel happy again.

Plus adults are not perfect (although they think they are). Even if they're close to perfection, they should realize, it's their mistakes in life that played a vital part in them becoming successful.

---

On a side note, I recently heard a friend mentioning about me to someone else (who related back to me) that I like to sleep really late (which is true) and then slap on a lot of make up on my face to cover my tiredness... I'm picking up some HH (*ham hoi / sabotaging) vibes here because as far as I know, I only make up for formal/friendly dinners and cosplays (because my actual dedication to make up is right until that level only). Sounds like she's trying to imply that I rely heavily on make up to look presentable to others. I get told I look really run down at the moment but I can't help it, there're more important issues at hand and masking my face every night will have to wait!

I was also told something along the lines of I'm not Alodia Gosiengfiao, so don't expect to be given as much attention as her as a cosplayer, less out of costume. It was a bit slicing because it was totally uncalled for and was unrelated to what I was actually saying. I was just saying that I was receiving so much photo requests the day before, it felt odd to not be receiving any the next day (because the experience was so intense and I am surreal to the fact not being asked as I was out of costume). I am totally an Alodia fan and it's an obvious fact that her FB page has stopped allowing adds a long time ago. I was just merely relating my personal experience, but was told not to go over my head (because I'm not that popular/hot/talented). Sometimes I wonder why people like to jump at every opportunity to tell you that you're not good enough. Sigh.

I don't expect girls like to hear this sort of thing no matter how big hearted you are (or how true it is).

Rant ends. I just wanted to get this off my chest and move on with life.

---

Domokun!~ I had his expression everyday when I was working in the firm. Totally random.