Mid Year Update (Yes I Noticed!)

Hi long time no see,

Now the reason that you finally get to see me typing a blog post is because this is what happened...

I don't know how 'shortly' it means but when that happened I just lost 60% of my life's purpose on the internet (incl. Restaurant City, Pet Society, It Girl, Millionaire City and random stalking on other people's FB activities, spamming photos uploaded from my BB etc.) 

After the long absence from blogging, I am somewhat inspired to make a comeback with some random updates and musings. I am actually surprised people still drop by once in a while (so bored meh?!) but (touchingly) knowing that, I shall make the effort to humour you guys with whatever's left of my writing skills.

I haven't been blogging for ages because at one point I was looking for a web hosting for photoblogs, the kind I can mass upload photos and leave remarks and descriptions at a click (like FB) rather than rearranging and separately uploading them onto blogger. Too tedious.  Plus this was fueled by the fact that I only have a tiny readers base (not even 5% of my FB friends know of the existence of my blog!). I prefer to keep it personal to the existing people who have been following me since the beginning. That being said, in contradiction, I actually enjoy the responses and attention I get from posting updates on FB... Also, it's probably because I have grown older and exhausted much of the angst generated by my youth, so I don't have much incentive to vent it out through blogging as I used to. 

Blogging takes so much time off my hands. 7 minutes have since passed after typing these few paragraphs! But enough of the excuses!~

What has been up during the first quarter of the year. A couple of trips around, mainly beach trips to Pangkor and Sipadan, been to HK twice, to KL a gabazillion of times, Penang and Melaka once each. Right now I just refuse to go anywhere further than 20 kilometers from my house (20 km is where I go to work now) for the reason of fatigue of traveling. All the rush, stress, punctuality to board planes, worry that I packed everything and the fear of getting pick pocketed has weakened my nerves and I need time to recuperate.

So, here's a short topic that has been boggling my mind for the past few days. It's about 'Loving Unconditionally'. 

I, for one, believe in unconditional love... with the fine print at the bottom. The type you don't quite notice it is there or don't bother to read until one day you commit something against the tiny terms and conditions, which brings you unbearable consequences.

I suppose it's common (especially within Asian families), because although throughout your whole life, your parents give birth to you and throw in their entire/partial life savings into grooming you to become the ideal superior human being (although Idk wtf is that) and when you fail to achieve that level, all their actions of love somewhat transform into 'hostility'. This includes constant comparing/humiliation/insulting, beating down your self esteem, beating you with a stick/slipper/clothes hanger/frying pan/broom, guilt trips, eviction from comfort (food/shelter), denial of privileges. Just to name a few.

I've been told by my cousin, CML, that one lady actually paid for her daughter to have plastic surgery and bought her a sports car (?!!!) so that she can attract a good marriage. (Lucky her?) So summarily, her mom and future bf, can only love her if she fulfills those certain requirements.

I bet somewhere along any of your relationships, you would ask you significant other, "What do you love about me?" or "Why did you choose to be with me (among all other people?)" 

I would ask that because, all my life I've assumed that I was 'still kept around' and given privileges because I was indispensable to the family. I mean look, if I wasn't around, everybody will be having a hard time (admits everyone). And most of the time, I actually question the intentions of people who wanted to be friends with me. (Mebbe coz I'm nice.)

So far, everyone who has claimed that they were my dad's best friends, have conned the F* out of me. Therefore, everyone who I come across, I hereby see them as guilty until proven innocent.

So here was my bf's answer. He said, there was no reason for loving me, he just did. If he has a reason, it wouldn't be called love at all. Yeah, I totally see his point. Or maybe, he probably was just too lazy/sleepy to think out a proper reason or that question just took him by surprise, he couldn't think out an answer on the spot so he just came up with a diverting answer that sounded good. In a way, I could just settle for the answer and be happy, or I should feel slightly insulted because it implied that there is nothing especially attractive/interesting that he noticed about me in order to be with me. Idk. :S

That being said, I had my reasons to be with him now (despite perceiving him as a /insert derogatory remark here/ when we first met). For example, a lot of people think he's good husband/father material, extremely responsible and hardworking. The bonus is that he has a few outstanding achievements as well. Don't really want to sound too showy because he's humble about his own status (which is something I also admire). But yeah, those are the few reasons I convince myself to stay with him even though he pisses me off every once in a while. I mean like, let's be honest, how much better can this get? (Plus it's not like I'm getting any younger...) Other than looking at the exterior qualifications, I give him a lot of credit for being someone I can depend on and talk to about on a personal level.

So... personally, I don't really think it is possible to love someone completely free of conditions. The most that we could do it tell them that we don't like their behavior and if the relationship is important to them as well, they would do something about it in order to coexist with us.

Peace out.

Tipsy Rambles

Half of me is filled with a great potential of happiness, the other half is also filled with genuine sadness. I came to recognize that they coexist. Sometimes when I experience a happy event, I will be reminded of the existing sadness, and the vice versa happens; happiness to sooth out my sadness. I supposed that makes me quite a balanced person..

Most of the time, I'm capable of letting out a hearty appreciative laugh when I'm with certain people. After that temporary high, I revert to being calm and collected, most of the time lost in thoughts. 

I think I've mellowed over the years. Life is increasingly serious. Sometimes I feel that I won't be able to be truly joyful for a permanent period in my life. Right now, my joyful moments are just bits and pieces I constantly collect. It's like fuel to a car, they are essential to keep the car moving but has to be constantly filled up.

In a way I'm glad that I've found back some footing in my passion in art, design, craft, cosplay and games. Really good way to keep distracted and from becoming idle to the point my brain has a diarrhea of detrimental thoughts.

Po's time with us feels too short. I suppose that's how it is with a lot of other people. I'm just greedy with one thing in my life. Don't need a lot of holidays, don't need a lot of fancy things.

The future looks uncertain. Sometimes I get quite disinterested to pursue it. Feels like once my youth and vigour is gone, I don't really know what can ever go on in my life again. Rather mundane.

Maybe in real fact, people like to wallow in their drawbacks. Gives them some sort of 'purpose' to dream that they will eventually escape it. Some things, once achieved, lose meaning.

Annoyed. Annoyed that a lot of people can't appreciate the good things that happen to them and keep on being envious of others. They come around as very toxic and poisonous people to be with.

The End of March

It's been 3 months since January and I think I've been progressively keeping my 2010 resolutions quite well. Looks pretty encouraging so far.

1. Leave my hair long enough and eventually cut it in a way so that I can look like Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill. (That way, chikopeks will be subtly warned by possible disembowelment before they can pull out some hanky panky)

FULFILLED - I can only entrust the cutting off of 8 inches of my beloved fringe to Florence from A Cut Above in Midvalley. The last time I had a fringe was in primary. In my heart, I was afraid that a fringe will make my high cheekbones even more prominent and protruding as it usually does to people with round cheeks. Apparently, the trick was to make sure the thickness of your fringe is balanced with your face shape; in my case, it had to be thicker to align with my face contours. I went in the saloon being told how little resemblance I had with my sister and went out being told that we totally look alike.

2. Cease sleeping at inhumane hours and start to be more disciplined when it comes to my internet/manga/gaming addiction.

HALFWAY THERE - It's impossible to sleep at such peaceful and quiet time with little distraction to whatever you're doing. At this moment, I'm only addicted to the net (manga occasionally, gaming very rarely) so I suppose it frees up more time for other activities.

3. Make it a habit to be punctual for everything (not just the things I like). Cease procrastination.

 

HALFWAY THERE - I'm proud to say I'm still very much on time for the things I deem important. I suppose I'm more punctual to family occasions, but I'm still quite terrible for work and class.

4. Save my skin every way possible.

NO - I'm really upset to say that my skin has been fluctuating from so-so to terrible. After March, I'm most probably going to do something drastic to it. My skin is in high priority now after my hair.

5. Study hard, get good grades. 

NO - I gave my watered down best. Results aren't out yet. Fingers crossed.

6. Pursue my passion aggressively without holding back. Be brave, be strong.

DEFINITELY - Everyday, I'm moving forward without any major hesitation.

7. Eliminate the poisons and toxins in my life. (ie. negativity, paranoia, insecurity)

ON AND OFF - This one needs constant practice, and there are times I just slip (usually because of my genetic make-up and tendency to suffer from mood swings). Some days, I'm really glad of my life. Some days, I really just want to evaporate. Today, I'm relatively fresher and more grounded.

8. Meet Choi Siwon (and the rest of the Super Junior) in concert this March. 

FULFILLED 10/13 - Because Geng, Bum and In weren't there despite being on the promotional posters. Fulfilled just last Saturday. Yippee!

9. Endure the remaining 2.5 months of work and tie up whatever loose ends.


VERY CLOSE TO FULFILMENT - I have endured, and I have 9 days left and counting down...

10. Get another source of income.

NOT TOO BAD - I think I outdone myself in this area. All the sacrifices and committed saving for an entire year paid off and I could relax a bit more because I can let my money compound by itself and focus on doing other things that can bring income as well. It's soothing to my self esteem that I have a decent financial standing as opposed to when I first started out. Doesn't mean I'm going to laze from now onwards, just that I made it across the passing mark, no need to save like a desperate person and can look forward to a continuous growth. Relief.

11. Photograph more. Print a photo book.

HALFWAY - My camera's been working very, very hard. Found a few printing companies and when I'm good with my compilation and get some feedback about my works, I'll definitely look forward to publishing it!

12. Read like no tomorrow!~

CONSTANTLY FULFILLED - Kinda slacked on books, but I'm reading things online vigorously!

13. Cosplay another 3-5 characters this year. Attend CF 2010. Mebbe if I feel like it, attend a convention overseas.

HIATUS! - Needs to wait till I have more time in hand.

14. Launch my studio during the first half of the year.

ON THE WAY - I'm in researching status on location, prices, materials, business strategies etc. The thought of the studio is constantly on my mind and I'm mentally drawing out a blueprint for it.

15. Stop fluctuating between weights.

FULFILLED - But I'd wish to loose weight. Mine's stagnant despite esting too much or too little.

16. Travel more. 1st Quarter: Hong Kong, Italy, UK, Paris; Mid year: Melbourne (mebbe); Year end: Hong Kong (again), Japan/Taipei/Florida (Disney World!) or visit bestie in the US.

FULFILLED - Surprisingly, even though this looks like the most difficult to fulfil, but I've been travelling quite a lot this year. Few amendments though, April: Singapore; May: Adelaide, Melbourne; June: JB; August: London, Paris; September: Hong Kong probably; December: Italy. Pushes Japan till next March 11' in order to view cherry blossoms.

17. Play with my pets more! (Not like I'm playing with them any less!)

CONSTANTLY FULFILLED

18. Expand the social circle.

FULFILLED - I think my anxiety and aversion towards social occasions has improved significantly as compared to last year thanks to the influence of my Pomelo other.

19. Sponsor a child.

NOT YET - But I believe in due time, I should be able to do it.

20. Blog more.

CONSTANTLY TRYING - Lack of time is the culprit. I actually have tonnes of topics in mind to blog about.

21. Contribute physically and actually get involved in the activities of my favourite charities.

 

HALFWAY - When I've resigned, I hope that I can be involved more.

22. Am thinking of being a freelance photojournalist cum designer.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION - Please return again.

Grateful

I am grateful to God because...

• I have not suffered poverty, severe hunger, neverending debts.
• I never lived in a squatter wooden house in someone else's land.
• I never have to work hard in my life because eventually the one before me will pass his fortune down to me.
• I can buy whatever my heart desires without contemplating about the fact that I can't even cover my basic bills.
• I have great chances of education because there's someone to pay it for me.
• Because of good education, I'll start off better in a job than those who cannot afford paper qualification.
• After that, the capital to investing whatsoever is already lying there ready. Money makes more money which will fend me for life and the next few generations.
• I don't have to work towards a retirement fund because I'm already well provided for.
• I don't have to work 2 jobs a day, move to a faraway country to work work in uncomfortable positions because if not, my mother will faint in hunger.
• I don't have to take a loan from the bank. I don't even have to know wtf is a down payment and monthly installments and interest p.a.
• My life is secured no matter what happens.
• I can get sick and not worry about medical expenses.
• I can do anything and everything the poor cannot. Eg. throwing a stack of dollar bills into the sea and feel proud about it
• I can 'peisi' commoners and slave drive them around because I have the power and status to do so.

SERIOUSLY. I am grateful to God.

I am very grateful to God to the point I cry tears of joy because I have a group of friends who have NEVER said ALL the above to me. 

I have friends who see me as an equal, struggling through life (different forms of troubles but same levels of frustrations, despair & worries). Never once I remembered being compared or judged in that manner. They never said that even though I have problems but money makes up for it, believe that other people suffer more than I do and am not qualified to complain.

I am grateful that they do not measure my level of competency against my financial back up. Eg.: She is only skilled because her parents can afford to pay for a more prestigious college. She is only successful because her parents provided her with start up capital (+ If I had the chance / start up capital  / born in her shoes, I would have succeeded too). I'm not like you, my parents cannot afford my resits so I have to work hard (as if I don't).

I am glad that people take sincere interest in my work and I am offered the chance to amuse them (with something I feel too low self esteemed to acknowledge it as 'talent'). I like it when my friends cheer me on in whatever I'm doing (even though I sometimes question whether it makes any sense to them at all). This moves me to tears even though it is just one person doing so.

Am very glad that even though I obviously flopped a thousand times in front of them or said a lot of stupid things whether I realized it or not, they don't make a big deal out of it.

I abhor it when people ask me questions like, "Is there a NEED for YOU to work HARD???" or scoff at my dreams because they think I have the privilege to do so just because I needn't give a shit about reality since that's my parents/ancestors job. They even formed a indisputable hypothesis that it would be instant death for me should I one day loose this support.

Thank God for the people who are NOT like that.

 

Twitter Is The Answer

I apologize for the lack of updates; 2-5 posts a month. I wouldn't claim that I'm too busy to blog. Honestly, I enjoy writing about stuff if not for feeling listless most of the time. This is probably due to the lack of social interactions to maintain my need to communicate at above average level.

I mean seriously, what can I expect in my position?

At home, mum's constantly occupied with grandpa, the lil bro and the household in general (plus the only times when we do get to talk, we go at each others' neck and stop talking for the next few days).

Sis and I have totally opposite sleeping patterns. She's awake when I'm asleep, vice versa. Otherwise she'll be occupied by the internet or going to class on weekends when I'm at home.

Dad's always away from home (like how most dads are on important business). Kinda remind me when I was young. I only get to see him like 30 minutes a week on average.

My buin is the only existing same-aged friend I have here and she works inhumane hours. Meets up about once a month.

Thank God for my cousin who I'm able to, on regular basis, do a lot of nonsense with that not every normal human will accept. But he's leaving to Melb like... damn soon.

The same goes with some of my friends who work in KL but come back every 1-3 months.

Colleagues are well, you know colleagues. I try to not be a total anti-social and go out for lunches with them occasionally.

The total amount of people don't even amount to 2 hands!!

Okay it's not like anyone's fault but my own for being a hermit. 

Anyways, even if I'm not posting up a full post, I'll definitely be spamming a lot of short updates with my Tweets. Had my account for like ages, but only now I'm able to put it in good use! It's a lame excuse, but I'll be trying to open up a bit more whenever possible. Definitely not going to strengthen the idea that I'm an antisocial. ;P

The Good vs. The Bad

It's 2 weeks into the beginning of the New Year, I hope everyone is still feeling the excitement of new resolutions and have things to look forward to this year. Whatever negative things that have taken place, it is time to move on and leave them with 2009; behind and seize the future!

Been really occupied recently by various things! I have a couple of unfinished draft blog posts pending because I don't have enough time to finish typing them...

Anyway this is my personal summary of 2009:-

1. Suffered Quarter Life Crisis.
2. Establishing the Chiko Guild December 2008.
3. Read a TONNE.
4. Thought about a lot of things MEGATONNE.
5. Argued and debated with myself every waking moment.
   
6. Learned Japanese.
   
7. Organized BBQ, steamboat, buffet, tea time, supper on large scale.
   
8. Worked for a year. Thats like H*LY achievement to me because I'm surprised I could endure it for so long considering the fact that I'm supposed to H* the nature of my job. Throughout the whole time, I never verbalized my feelings in complaints about my job because there's no point making myself feel worst about it plus I knew I had to have this job for divine reasons.
9. Saving enough money for 2 years of college and made it way above my targeted amount which allows me to do more mighty things in the upcoming days. I sacrificed a year of luxuries, not going out for fancy food, shopping or entertainment. I had to cut a lot from my daily expenses. I discovered I could actually survive on drinking Milo for lunch for a week if I had to...
10. Despite the frugal lifestyle, I am capable of paying my own bills, maintenance and still have a little extra to donate to charity. Am also happy that I was able to give nice birthday and Christmas presents to my family and friends.
11. Discovered K-Pop and its ecstasy inducing properties which played a major part in pulling me through my depression which could have f*king killed me throughout the entire year.
    
12. Fell head over heels in love TWICE. Thank God for Siwon and Taeyang, because they're the reason my heart is still beating (with excitement) everyday.
    
13. I still managed to have fun within a reasonable budget; the occasional outstation trips within the country (ie. Cameron Highlands, Penang, JB, KL) karaoke and food sessions, Lost World of Tambun and its Petting Zoo! 
14. Was invited as a photographer for a couple of public events. 
15. Broke my Baby. Got back Baby. Realizes how important Baby was to me after we were separated for 3 months and nearly lost him. Vows to take care of him better from now onwards. (My D40x)
16. Worked as a waitress and experienced my first case of open sexual harassment. After that experience though, I feel as that it is a given that I should have more pride in myself and that it is totally your right to stand up for yourself and learn to protect yourself (and slap the bloody bastard if needed). With my qualities, I don't NEED to work in these kind of places.
17. Totally losing hope in my parents.
    
18. Po passed away in September. Feels as if I have a had part blown off my brain (numb and empty). It's a part where I still find painful to think about. 
19. Feels genuinely the honour and love of taking care of our elders. Feels like I wanna spoil my goong goong now.
20. Feels liberated because I don't feel as if I will definitely die pathetically if I can't live off my parents at the expense of giving up my dreams and being a doormat.
    
21. Applied for Art College ONCE AGAIN!!! This time I was TOTALLY independent.
22. Finds a magnetic bracelet which greatly minimizes the pain in my wrist.
23. Handled a 1 million case.
    
24. Got pissed drunk and fainted in a bar. Never again.
    
25. Comic Fiesta 2009 was the epic and glorious end of 2009. Finally debuted officially as a cosplayer! And we did quite well too. Met a lot of new like-minded friends.
26. Lost 4 kg in a week. Gained 2 back the week after.
27. Welcoming Jack, QQCupcake (the joy of my life), Snow, Franny and later Lucky this year into the family.
    
28. Discovered my passion, my pulse and my purpose in life. My troubles have only succeeded in inflaming my determination and my demonic kiasu-ness.
    
29. At the end of the year, I feel that I'm a much stronger person in every aspect. Survived my Quarter Life Crisis.
30. I still believe in love. On a much greater scale than before.
31. Realizes I'm way much better off than a lot of people and wishes to contribute help every chance I get.
    

This Is Not An Ordinary Phase

But yet again, there is always a rock bottom to every phase and eventually after you've managed to hit it, all you will be going is back UP.

I realized that sometimes, all the constant support, encouragement and advise from your friends and family only succeeds in justifying your self pity and sometimes make you feel even rotten about yourself.

However, it just takes a small jolt from your enemy to get you to pull yourself together and stop continuing to make yourself look like an idiot and a loser.

Thank God for enemies. He has a purpose for everything.

 

The Parable of the Carrot

For the past 10 years, a horse had been led to perform all sorts of tricks and labour with a promising carrot.  It eventually grew sick and tired of pursuing the damn carrot dangling 2 feet in front of it, but eternally never within its reach. It decided to knock the farmer who has been riding on its back and screw the carrot. The horse had been made a sucker, a slave who would bend its back just to have a bite of that stupid carrot.

So one day, it decided to plant its own carrots for its own consumtion. But the farmer, being angry and jealous of the horse's independence and success laughed at the horse's efforts in attempt to humiliate its efforts. He said that his efforts were futile and useless. How could a horse, who had been relying on the food the farmer provided for it suddenly grow carrots?! Impossible.

Eventually, after a few weeks of planting and watering the carrots they grew and was ready for harvesting. However the farmer was displeased and tried to humiliate the horse again, saying that the crops were nothing to be proud about and that his produce was much better because he had better machinery and a bigger plot of land.

However, the horse continued his efforts to grow carrots; sell them and buy new seeds and made profit and eventually his effort paid off and it was able to own its own farm. The farmer continued complaining, nagging, demoralizing and insulting the horse with negativity and lived a very unhappy and unfulfilled life, being judgemental of others while his crops suffered.

The moral of the story; is to have the courage to break free from people who only have negativity to offer and try to make you their slave forever by breaking your spirit, dreams and ambition because it helps them feel better about themselves when they put you down. When you were young and weak, they could still use the 'carrot' to control you, because you had no skills nor ability to farm for yourself. Once you manage to achieve these skills, they become envious and threatened by you and try to bring you down to their level.

To lead a happy and fulfilling life; treat their constant nagging as water flowing out the drain into the recycling system of Indah Water. Never loose sight of your dreams because, yes they are worth fighting for. They are the reason and purpose you were born onto earth and if would be the greatest crime if you go against nature. Your dreams are who you are and what you're here for. You are fighting for 'yourself'.

Before I Crash

Recent nights, I have been led to believe that it was raining outside, until the moment I walk out into the living room and the sound of rain disappears. Ever since the completion of the fountain at my backyard, I have been having wonderful nights of sleep listening to the peaceful and calm sound of water.

I've been working for 2/3rds of a year now.

Sometimes, I tend to I shut myself out just to be able to put up with another day at work. I make believe that I'm doing something worthwhile in fact, it's just a smoke veil to protect myself from unnecessary 'mental' and 'logic' attacks. I'm living in a comfort zone by not rocking the boat, not defying convention and pleasing people who have such stoic and mundane mentality.

I don't like answering difficult questions. I don't like to be made to feel that I am not good enough based on other people's standards. I am human, not a doll. I have my own personality, needs and shortcomings. I don't like to be made to feel that I am only worth my background, wealth, social standing and education. I don't like it when I'm put aside because I couldn't fulfill some social requirement.

But thoughts like these are best kept to yourself. The society is a ferocious one..

Just after midnight...

I would wonder how far I can achieve during digital painting class.

I never managed to try mixed media, which looks so fun.

I wonder what other hidden abilities will TOA unlock in me.

What other like-minded people I will meet.

Speculate whether my work can make it to public display.

Continuously annoy my lecturers and classmates with my strange quirks.

I would still detest Typography class and continue to suck at it and maybe get a mediocre grade just to get it over with.

I still think about graduating. Being proud of myself for being a certified artist. Because it's the achievement of my choice. Probably paste copies of my diploma along the main roads of Ipoh out of happiness.

I can only dream...

Quarter Life Crisis

I speak for everyone of my age. You are not alone.

The first judgment day in our lives is the day our results are released in Uni. It determines whether we're a degree graduate or a failure in our 14-16 years of studying. This applies only for people around my age, as it is a matter of life and death whether we exit gloriously/so-so/scrape through into society.

It's no big deal really. Getting first class will only make you a first class employee highly coveted by big companies but also the first one to get sacked during a recession since you receive the most unreasonable amount of salary. We have school dropouts making a decent living because they challenge their circumstances to find footing in the world. Nowadays, news of 12 year old children jumping off buildings because they got a 8As 1B instead of straight As is common. Thank God, I'm from the slightly earlier generation.

The second judgment day is TODAY. A year or two after being a fresh grad. When you're in your prime when you will be now judged by your capability of moving up the hierarchy of society in various categories. Your uni days will be like child's play as compared to this second coming of who is worthy to be accepted by society.

Category 1: Your Looks

Your exterior is the first layer people judge. People change at 18, for beautiful or ugly. Luck really shines on people who are physically privileged. It's easier to get discounts, favours, credibility, trust and love when you manage to look attractive. Being beautiful can get you far in life in all aspects. Your parents will love you more because of the attention, admiration and respect you receive. Yes, being beautiful is an advantage of godlike prospects. Even if you failed school, you might still be able to con a rich fart into marrying you. And when time catches up with you, you can always choose to boot, with the money of course, to survive your remaining days. At worse, you can still get pervy men to stuff money into your pockets.

But looks will fade with age, so of course we look to more practical aspects...

Category 2: Your Job

By the age of 25, considering you have successfully graduated at 22-24 with whatever result, the minimum requirement is that you should have made one step up the workplace and a few extra hundred/thousand has been added to your monthly payslip. Hopefully, by this time you would be a executive or a full fledged qualified enough to make eyes open wider by 2.3mms when you tell them about "Hi, I'm Doctor MSc. (Hons) ."

It's just an extra few words to make people tongue tied and intimidated at the length of it. Like look, you can call me Emo Moodswing Drama Queen WK. Respect Mah Authoritah!!!

Category 3: Your Salary

Ah, the measuring stick of life. Even if you're cleaning drains and eventually build up a multinational cleaning drain company and make 6 digit profits a year. You'll make it up for not being a professional.

Sadly, the burden of career advancement and higher pay is felt painfully by graduates. Your parents, having invested 20 years in building you up as an asset, expect the fruits of their labour. Yes, you've heard it right. 'THEIR' labour. So imagine that they have spent RM60k on your uni fees, accommodation and upkeep, they would expect say 10-20% interest per annum depending on how reasonable they are. You are an investment.

It's easy for those who have gotten past PMR and SPM since school is subsidised partially by the government. Plus when your parents start to nag about how little your salary is, you can blame them back for being poor and not being able to send you to college in order to get a better qualification. Stress reduced to half. Mathemathically, your debt to them is significantly reduced and a lifelong liability to pay them back is off your ass. Since they never provided you with a banglow and a big, shiny car, you don't owe them the banglow and the big, shiny car. Logic. But of course, if you manage to make it in life with just your SPM and feel generous, God bless those who are filial for they will live long.

Category 4: Your Bling

Since you're a few hundred richer by now, you should be able to at least afford credit cards, high end phones/laptops/Ipod/GPS, designer bags, posh holidays, a car and for the extra rich, your own pod. And if you manage to buy extra sets of these for your father, mother, sister, brother grandparents, aunt or say your neighbour's cat, you have indeed reached greatness. We need medals for achievements, because no one is going to be able to acknowledge that you're at the peak of your life unless they manage to spy into your bank account.

Category 5: The Person You Manage to Catch/Marry

Long since the days of wtfbbq history, who you marry is more important than what career you enter. Why? Because why work, if you could just leech of someone else's status and fortune by marrying that fellow? It's like hitting the million dollar jackpot with a dollar. Other than ensuring a well provided life for yourself and the rest of the family, the list of benefits include networking with the higher ups, instill respect and fear, live like royalty, have the son you never had through your son-in-law and make him provide you everything that you want in the ideal son that you weren't capable of giving birth to because of your ancestors' bad genes.

Finally, your failure of a daughter has done one good deed. She can forgiven for all her transgressions in life by marrying the right person. Definition of 'right' is the person your daughter couldn't be and failed to provide therefore it is her duty to find a husband to make up for her weakness, failing so, maybe it would have been a better idea to invest in a chicken rice stall.

Category 6: Your Kids

Whatever requirement they had of you, the curse will be on your entire generation. It is never enough to be born physically complete; with 2 eyes to see, a nose to smell, a mouth that smiles, and all your limbs intact and your organs functioning.

Third judgement day is when we die. We reflect on what we have done, or have not done, or should have done and start making amends with God. And we get judged all over again.

Blaming The World

It's not even that time of the month yet where you can blame your hormones for acting against you and its the cause of your bad attitude and devastating moodswings.

These are the days when I believe that even when I am careful of not stepping on other people's feet, I am still actively offending people some way or another.

I'm probably old enough to cease complaining about parents. But anyhow... Sometimes, I think that my parents have a superiority complex. When they see you being docile and submissive, they start to stir up waters and get you agitated to that they can kick you back in your place again. It's like they freak out when they don't see the normal red button available for pushing and they start looking for another one.

I've only started working for half a year (and in a position of a minion) and what makes them think that I'm stable in what I'm doing? We don't even talk more than 30 minutes a month since everyone is busy with whatever they're doing. Everything now revolves around my grandmother, my brother and the pets. The only time that my mum talks to me is when she's looking for my brother or Larry or Twinkie, even when I'm lying sick in bed. Sometimes, I don't even realize that I'm someone's daughter.

I definitely know how hard it is to make money. It's hard not because it's unavailable but because of all the sacrifices I need to make just to be able to save some.

I really can't stand the condescending tone of "Use your one month salary."

Maybe it's just me being hypersensitive, but it feels as if the underlying meaning of the whole thing is that, "You're a big shot now since you have a job and a salary, pay your own bills since you're so capable. You probably don't need us anymore." Like they're trying to highlight to me how helpless I would be without them.

It's like rubbing salt into injury. I wonder how many people actually realize that I am swallowing all my pride to work in a field that I known for detesting in order to fight for a more fulfilling life.

And since I have the f*king right on how to use my salary, then I just decided not to pay. The worst is that I have to give up using it. It is just totally out of my means. I don't understand why my parents would want to place such a burden on me, very knowingly that it would cost 1/12 of my yearly pay.

I decided to buy my DSLR and my Ipod. I bought it with my own money, saved up for months. They're broken now and I expect myself to pay for the repairs when I'm capable of doing so. This is my personal investment and my responsibility to take care of them. It never even occurred to me to ask for financial help. I pay for my own Japanese classes because I want to study it without breaking budget.

Does it not occur to them that eventually, one day, I'll get married, buy my own house, have kids and want to be able to support them in food and education? And I've already started late because of their selfish demands of forcing me stay back for Form 6 (the 2 most irrelevant years of my life) and blackmailing and threatening me into studying a f*king subject I hated. I was fed with disgusting promises of a BETTER life after completing my degree, which NEVER came.

I kept my side of the promise. But f*k has changed to the better.

I do not feel any richer, nor comfortable in my life. I have to slog off everyday and fight for the crumbs of extra commission. I live on overnight food. I don't even go out, and I don't even dream of going for holidays. And right now, I have to give up my car.

Despite this, it's probably a good thing. Since they're no longer buying me, it means I have more freedom in doing whatever I want.

Frustrations Of Tomorrow

Money

Everything needs money. Basically food, education, clothes, petrol, miscellaneous maintenance fees, entertainment to keep your sanity from worrying about paying for all these and even the water you use to flush away your poop needs to be billed (unless you're a regular patron of public amenities ie. the drain). We have not included income tax, interest to the bank when you take a loan for your house/car because obviously you don't have much in cash, your once in a lifetime wedding which has to be as great as possible, diapers and milk for your kids (RM50 for a pack), their education, medical bills, whims and the unpredictable.

Money becomes a problem if we expect it to be the solution to everything. It becomes a fear that the lack of it will render us helpless and desperate. Therefore, the cycle of making money lasts till the day we die. Hopefully, by that time we do not realize that we have spent our lives enslaving ourselves to something static for the sake of survival.

Money is like God on earth. You have problems, you seek it, you pray for/to it to help you, it drives you nuts when it's unavailable, more problems arise and you become emotionally dependent on it. This makes me realize that I'm wavering in my belief and religion that God will provide for many things.

When I'm sick or get into an accident, I don't pray for healing. I dig out my wallet to pay a doctor for treatment.

When I need money for whatsoever reason, I enslave my services to my boss just for the security and guarantee of seeing a paycheck come my way every month.

When you're girlfriend/wife is upset, all the consoling in the world is ineffective as compared to the appearance of diamonds or an iphone. Money makes or breaks a relationship. Girls wanna marry rich and have a good life while guys want to feel that they can make providence for their families which boosts their overall self esteem and confidence.

Maybe I got in trouble with the authorities? Just having cash in my pocket works wonders.

Honoring my parents is one of the 10 great commandments of life. To make them happy and proud of me, the greatest gift is to be a outstanding human being reflecting their upbringing of you; and that is inevitably measured by your capabilities in society; your networth and the digits of your paycheck. Because, it determines where you stand in society. The level of respect, the number of opportunities you'll get relies on the 'bullets' packed up your arsenal.

(IMO, I want my kids to grow up being kind, respectful and dignified. But I can't bear to see them starving on the streets or have no education.)

Realistically, money IS the solution to everything. I can't seem to think of anything that operates on its own in this money centered world.

Everyone must have believe that at some point of life, it is (probably) possible to be happy even without a tonne of money.

Yes, it is possible.

Give up the rat race and retire in a monastery/nunnery. Don't marry or have kids. Taking care of only yourself cuts out the burden of taking care of another 2 people at least (husband and 1 child). Do good through charity and charity will give back to you. You're heart is at peace because you're doing something for the less fortunate than you and you just stop coveting luxuries which becomes an obsession that has to be constantly fed. You'll learn to appreciate the little things in life by having less. Since you don't have money, you can sift out who are your real friends (since there's nothing to be envious of or leech off you anyways). People will respect you from the point of your core values, the charity you do becomes the focus of your character and not your paycheck.

Food for thought.

Ramblings For The Month of August

It seems like all I could do everyday of the year is to wait for a better day to come...

2 weeks+ since our chiko guild went on official hiatus again. It feels like more than a month. 4 months to go till December. Among the things I want to do then is to go backpacking across the country, squish into a tiny hotel room, ride elephants and dolphins, shop for bohemian styled clothing, swim in the sea, paraglide, karaoke on loop and eat like there's gonna be a famine coming soon.

Nameless is still dead. It's been more than 3 weeks. This is not normal. No explanation. Nameless is the oldest RO server; I could only speculate that they're doing some super major upgrade for the 3rd job change. I'm waiting for the miraculous resurrection Tsukina, Skye, Beatrixx and the rest.

I can't help but to admit that this week is jammed packed with complaints. So many events that I was so dissatisfied with that I think if I complained anymore, upstairs would strike me with bird poop one day for being ungrateful. I've been complaining about everything under the sky; work, money, studies, my life, my future, money again, my family, my car, my house, my health, my pomelo ass etc. I've definitely got better coverage than my insurance policy.

I think I'm the only one who remembers the month of August is a matter of life and death. My heart is getting dull. I cease to collect strength, motivation, purpose or reason to fight on. I'm scared of gambling my life away because the stakes are strictly 50-50. I might win; I'll be the happiest person alive, I don't mind dying 1000 times. I might also loose; then life would just loose meaning and I'd rather be dead than be given the 1000 chances to live.

I want something. Badly. Badly enough that my existence revolves around it. I watch some people pursue things which other people would think are stupid or foolish or even wrong. But they do it anyway, it's a bit screwed up, but that's what allows them to wake up every morning and thank God they're alive.

I'm dragging my time. I'm putting off making decisions. I surround myself with options only to feed my insecurity of what if I made a wrong choice. Unless someone drops the axe on me, I don't think I will move from where I am.

Recently, I wonder among the conflict of interest between making your own decisions and asking God to guide you in making decisions. Maybe God has his reasons for certain events to take place, sometimes I would like to believe that he let me into this world to grow on my own, but he watches me if I fall.

Most of the time, I'd want to believe that God has heard my prayers and has someone worthwhile waiting for me at the end of the road. Maybe I'm too screwed up to deserve such a person.

I thought our first meeting was one in a thousand. I thought our second meeting again was one in a million. And I thought the mutual feelings for each other after all these time was, strange, unbelievable and special.

Break.

Why do I feel that I can not run away from you even if the world comes in between us? Why do I grow dull at the thought of your absolute absence and shine only in your presence? I can't help it. Even if my mind, body and soul tears apart from you, my heart starts to die. Everyday I tell myself it's for the best, why is it so wrong and unnatural? Why do I keep denying my love for you... It's not as simple as, my pet died, get a new one. It's unnatural, you're probably irreplaceable.

I might just need more time.

Hatiku Terasa Masin Masam

It's gonna be August. One cycle is nearing it's end, another cycle is going to begin.

Mixed feelings. Must be the hormones acting today.

I was (considered) early to work today. As if I got traumatized by something. Muahaha. Am trying to get back into the habit.

Counting my blessings; my 1st BFF from S'pore is coming back for my bday. *so touched, everything else doesn't matter*, my 3rd BFF moved back to Ipoh this year, the family is together this year, celebrated pre-birthday in July twice with my beloved chikopeers, I get to see anak emas end of the month.

Resolution for the new year cycle:-

1. Even if I can't perform outstandingly in work, at least stay out of trouble and maintain my record relatively clean for the next few months.

2. Lose weight (again). The frequent midnight McValue double cheeseburgers, fries, coke, Tim Tams and Maggi Gorengs have sabotaged my waistline to a great extent. I have been cruel to be kind to myself.

3. Clean the room. Speaks for itself.

4. Sleep in time.

5. Recover my face.

6. Plan for December holildayze.

7. Take more photos and figure out how to upgrade my portfolio.

I Can Sing Like Louis Armstrong

Gomen ne, my chiko peers for losing my voice on K-night. It's like someone inserted a plank into my throat all the way to my lungs, it made me go all irritated in pain. I feel like scolding someone or something but I'm unable to. Argh. We shall go sing like nuts next Wednesday.

Chiko holiday; Malat, Babi, Duck and I are invading Penang this weekend. The theme of our tour is Eating Cendol Expedition to the North, where we will be stopping at every stop on our way to Penang to eat cendol (ie. Sitiawan, Taiping). Planning on getting a healthy tan, good food in my stomach, sand in my toes (and a Hokkien merman in my arms).

I applied for leave on Monday to go to KL for a day trip on a spur of a moment. Hopes to get prettier clothes for the year. (It's prolly time to look more like a hot bimbo than a burnout fugly librarian). Lesleh chooses to come to Ipoh the one weekend when I'm away. *pouts* And to Genting the day I'm in KL.

So hungry now.

So Far Away I Hide So That You Won't Be Able To Find Me

I hope to deviate away your attention, protect myself from your affection and disassociate my life from yours. Forget me as I forget you.

---

Sometimes I do wonder does a new hurt digs up a lot of underlying unresolved problems. My chest hurts but it surprises me when I realize that it is hurting for another person. Devastating. Suffocating.

I miss the days you made the effort to be always beside me. I blamed you for drifting and the reason I walked away was because I wanted to be able to stand by myself and not always have to rely on you to be happy. I didn't want to admit how important you were.

And I repeated the same mistake with someone else.

I hurt today. Partially, it's you.

So Unlike Me

As much as I dislike my dad's horrendous bad habits, I am a duplicate of him.

Throughout my whole life, you could always count on the fact that I was late for kindergarten right up till graduation day. And considering the fact that work is only one song on the radio away, you guessed it.

My dad mentioned during dinner time yesterday, "I used to be late for school everyday even though I stayed next to it." Blame the bad genes that passed on.

6 months working here already...

I was dead on time for work today... As in 8:30 sharp. Everyone in the office who came earlier and later than me looked like they saw a ghost. Even my sister and mum thought speculated either I was traumatized by something or a coconut fell onto my head when I was out in the garden yesterday.

Let's see how long I'll manage to keep up...

Another trait I inherited from my dad that was blooming throughout the years is that I have the constant itch to defy convention. Rules and regulations belong to a parallel universe from mine. I can't stand authority. Fear it the consequences of defying it I do, therefore a passive aggressive personality is formed as a reaction towards it...

Society gives us the basic requirements us to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job, get married to a good prospect and have kids. I've about kinda screwed the first 3 and am feeling unexcited for the next 2. I feel claustrophobic being pressured into fitting the norm therefore I prefer to avoid it, or do the alternative.

Work calls us to suck up our superiors, be treated like dirt and let everyone trample all over you for any reason under the sun (because its normal) and perform your work without mistake (or at least pretend to).

There's always gonna be f*ktards all around you. But they're the one's that make life exciting, only when you're up to taking up the challenge...

This is the last time I'm pulling such a daring stunt (which was dead close to the expense of my firm). Truth be told, I kinda enjoyed the drama but consider myself lucky that I escaped actually falling into the boiling water.

Pa, it was your genes acting. It wasn't throwing someone's bike into the river though. :P

Office & Politics

Abang Michael may you rest in peace. Your music and dancing will always be in my heart.

'Heal the World' was playing on Mix and it reminded me of how my eldest cousin brother became 'popular' by singing that live in school... followed by encores elsewhere (ie. relative's birthday parties). The distance to my workplace is so near that I am only able to listen this one song (that brought back disturbing memories of cousin bro practicing it when we were at our grandparent's house every weekend) and not realize Michael's songs will be played on loop for the whole day.

It felt so surreal when my collegue told me he died this morning. I remembered back in UK, my classmate, Jane would go starry eyed when fantasing going to MJ's concert. It's sad cuz we'll never to be able to do so.

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The ending of this week has been b*tch packed. Some women are really difficult. Even myself, at times I'll admit.

It's the kind of women who are blind and justified towards their own vices but unrealistically demand excellence from other people that is so frustrating. They put you down to boost their own ego.

Look, enough about "Working life is like that." Like I don't know already.

In life, when you treat people badly, there is karma. There is an invisible counter for the things you do to people. Good for good, bad for bad. When you make people dislike you, they will be less likely to perform well for you or even care about you. They might do it out of obligation, but everyone will be waiting to laugh during the day of your downfall. In more extreme cases, they will lash back and destroy you.

Your way isn't the only way of life. And when you reap the results of your actions, "Life is like that. You reap what you sow."

My only remorse is that, my boss didn't want to confront me directly about the accusations in fear of hurting my feelings, but by doing so, he neglected to let me recount my side of the story before passing the death sentence on me. By the time the story passes on to various people it would have evolved to version 5-6 of the story. And it's just saddening to be the last to know about something bad about yourself when it has passed through ears of half of the civilization before that.

Look, I'm not a kid anymore. If something needs to be said and mistakes to correct, tell me. I understand a lot of money is being involved and any slight mistake will cost the firm loss in monetary and clientele. I'd expect to be be scolded as stupid and incompetent in the process but as long as business has gone through, I can let go of a past insult with an peaceful heart and learn not to make the same mistakes again.

He seems to have an imagery of me based solely on other people's opinions. I know he is concerned of my well being therefore he keeps an eye on me by questioning my performance. For example, how would my collegues know how many files I was handling and the amount of work I had to do everyday? He could have asked me directly to make a list of my cases and the work I had to do or else check the records from HR.

I know most of the time I don't stand out in doing things, but it doesn't mean I'm receiving a salary for nothing. How I handle my cases are witnessed by my files. I operate documents on the day I receive them and send them out on the same day or the next and the dates are all documented.

This is just a rant. Obviously, it doesn't change the position I'm in. Impressions have been reversed and my ability to work has been tarnished by one mistake covering the fervent retributions I made after that.

I'm not discouraged by work. In fact, after this week, I make it a call for more improvement and a brush up on office politics survival skills and to discontinue being the softie I am. It's a dog eat dog world out there and I believe it is important to be self centered and protect your own @ss against backstabbers.

My Final Week of June

I have yet to fulfill my resolution of coming in time for work. In fact, it is has been getting worst since mum makes it waking up a living nightmare. How? She screams for me to wake up every morning outside my door and outside my window and I will put more effort into sandwiching my head between my pillows to escape the torture of her voice and in effect soundproof my existing 6 alarms in the process... Don't comment.

Finally, got to eat Kampar's delicious spare rib laksa tonight. I am whole again.

'Beautiful Sun'* Misun and 'Malam tak berbintang'* Me (*pet names we created for each other this week) have been trying to make progress on our ongoing career crisis by floating around the job market. I have been trying to improvise my CV for a career in Design for the past 7 hours (obviously it has been frustrating). A diploma/degree in the relevant field is highly emphasized by every potential employer.

"Even if the dog is an authentic pedigree, it will still be considered a mutt because it does not have a certificate to prove its ancestry." (replays in my mind)

It has been playing in my mind to complete at least my diploma. (And when I graduate, I'm going to make photocopies of it and paste it all over town) XD

Off the record, I am thinking of using the strategy of confusing my prospective employer with my crazy portfolio and sneak in through the 'back door' of the art industry while he is still in a daze. Like, wish me luck.

I talked with Yung today and he let me admire his stunning character designs for Digi class. So I was inspired to stalk the TOA today website to see how my fellow classmen were developing and I found...

This was from my major year illustration class. The choice to put up a painting of a pumpkin and fish is a bit awkward. I can still remember the discomfort analysing the detail of that dead fish. Even so it was always my wish to see my work on display on the college's website and gallery. I achieved both in a year so mebbe I shouldn't beat myself so badly over everything that had happened. The artist has gone but the art remains. :')

A few more weeks and I would have completed my second year of art college.

Insomnia

I was so drowsy in the evening (only Sunday evenings), I fell asleep at 6pm and woke up at 2am. Strictly 8 hours. Tried rolling around to fall back asleep, but guess my fuel tank was at max and I felt hungry (since I skipped dinner). Rather than to have disturbing thoughts invading my head, I went online with hopes to distract myself. I'll be just crapping a lil bit on my blog to tired myself out.

Aish. Nowadays, I feel the familiar sickness I felt in when I was still in Inti. Lost, indecisive, forsaken, paranoid, unsure, lost of self esteem and confidence (and maybe contemplatively suicidal when I couldn't get things figured out). Only this time, it's different because I've been through it before and kinda believe that things will work out eventually like it did. I knew that I had 2 years in between those 2 dark periods that I was genuinely happy. I'm working to find it again.

Recently, it's been like a long while that I fluctuated between banging into walls and hiding myself. Being in fear is crippling. In a way, I recognize my instilled paranoia. These days, I walk out of my house wearing an invisible blanket, sometimes I just refuse to go out. I refuse to come out of Ipoh, it's paralysingly frightening. I have yet to understand my current fear, but it is familiar. I need to remember how I overcame it before.

Lately, the only thing that sustains me and my sanity is my chikopeers. It's like a outlet for me to become who I am (obviously defying conventional human behavior), not get judged for not living up to 'standard' (whatever that is) and I'm actually making people happy. Like sometimes, I feel (A WHOLE LOT) that I have to do certain things in order to feel worthy of approval and acceptance. Like acting proper, adapting common views, fulfilling social obligations... It honestly bores me to death, but yes, maybe I was abandoned here accidentally by my spaceship.

Emo quote: I feel like I don't belong!!

I mean, I honestly want to be liked/loved. It just feels utterly meaningless if I had to fake my way to get it. Eg. getting a Law Degree so that everyone would feel proud of me, acting really girly/feminine/proper so that guys would dig me, acting that I'm happy with myself and my life because they think I shouldn't be unhappy with all the things I have.

Mebbe it's reality catching up. Studies are totally over, I'm getting overexposed to the real world. I have NEW obligations to live up to other than just scoring As. Apparently, they are a whole hell harder than just scoring As. Stuff that include; getting a decent job, making loads of money, buying a house, getting married, having kids, and life begins once again...

I'm just tired, leave me alone. I want to live in peace. Better still, living a free, bohemian chiko lifestyle till I die.

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Good luck Malat and Ling for upcoming exams.