Oh the Moon, Stars and Sky!

Feeling absolutely ditsy. Maybe it has something to do with having irregular meals and too much antibiotics.

Argh I have 6 subjects this semester. I am definitely not a normal student. Normal students have 5 subjects max. I feel that I have made the right decision of quitting my job at the office. Really have to concentrate on school projects 120% and make up for lost time and knowledge. I still have to go to the office because there's so many things left undone, and I just feel bad if I just chuck a messy load to others. I haven't even finished claiming my claims!

Today, I was perceived by my colleagues as a girl who has never been into the kitchen before. I thought it was not a bad perception because at least I have an excuse to laze around while waiting to be served with food. =D

Sick. Nose is watering like a leaked tap.

Off to Singapore tomorrow.

The End of March

It's been 3 months since January and I think I've been progressively keeping my 2010 resolutions quite well. Looks pretty encouraging so far.

1. Leave my hair long enough and eventually cut it in a way so that I can look like Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill. (That way, chikopeks will be subtly warned by possible disembowelment before they can pull out some hanky panky)

FULFILLED - I can only entrust the cutting off of 8 inches of my beloved fringe to Florence from A Cut Above in Midvalley. The last time I had a fringe was in primary. In my heart, I was afraid that a fringe will make my high cheekbones even more prominent and protruding as it usually does to people with round cheeks. Apparently, the trick was to make sure the thickness of your fringe is balanced with your face shape; in my case, it had to be thicker to align with my face contours. I went in the saloon being told how little resemblance I had with my sister and went out being told that we totally look alike.

2. Cease sleeping at inhumane hours and start to be more disciplined when it comes to my internet/manga/gaming addiction.

HALFWAY THERE - It's impossible to sleep at such peaceful and quiet time with little distraction to whatever you're doing. At this moment, I'm only addicted to the net (manga occasionally, gaming very rarely) so I suppose it frees up more time for other activities.

3. Make it a habit to be punctual for everything (not just the things I like). Cease procrastination.

 

HALFWAY THERE - I'm proud to say I'm still very much on time for the things I deem important. I suppose I'm more punctual to family occasions, but I'm still quite terrible for work and class.

4. Save my skin every way possible.

NO - I'm really upset to say that my skin has been fluctuating from so-so to terrible. After March, I'm most probably going to do something drastic to it. My skin is in high priority now after my hair.

5. Study hard, get good grades. 

NO - I gave my watered down best. Results aren't out yet. Fingers crossed.

6. Pursue my passion aggressively without holding back. Be brave, be strong.

DEFINITELY - Everyday, I'm moving forward without any major hesitation.

7. Eliminate the poisons and toxins in my life. (ie. negativity, paranoia, insecurity)

ON AND OFF - This one needs constant practice, and there are times I just slip (usually because of my genetic make-up and tendency to suffer from mood swings). Some days, I'm really glad of my life. Some days, I really just want to evaporate. Today, I'm relatively fresher and more grounded.

8. Meet Choi Siwon (and the rest of the Super Junior) in concert this March. 

FULFILLED 10/13 - Because Geng, Bum and In weren't there despite being on the promotional posters. Fulfilled just last Saturday. Yippee!

9. Endure the remaining 2.5 months of work and tie up whatever loose ends.


VERY CLOSE TO FULFILMENT - I have endured, and I have 9 days left and counting down...

10. Get another source of income.

NOT TOO BAD - I think I outdone myself in this area. All the sacrifices and committed saving for an entire year paid off and I could relax a bit more because I can let my money compound by itself and focus on doing other things that can bring income as well. It's soothing to my self esteem that I have a decent financial standing as opposed to when I first started out. Doesn't mean I'm going to laze from now onwards, just that I made it across the passing mark, no need to save like a desperate person and can look forward to a continuous growth. Relief.

11. Photograph more. Print a photo book.

HALFWAY - My camera's been working very, very hard. Found a few printing companies and when I'm good with my compilation and get some feedback about my works, I'll definitely look forward to publishing it!

12. Read like no tomorrow!~

CONSTANTLY FULFILLED - Kinda slacked on books, but I'm reading things online vigorously!

13. Cosplay another 3-5 characters this year. Attend CF 2010. Mebbe if I feel like it, attend a convention overseas.

HIATUS! - Needs to wait till I have more time in hand.

14. Launch my studio during the first half of the year.

ON THE WAY - I'm in researching status on location, prices, materials, business strategies etc. The thought of the studio is constantly on my mind and I'm mentally drawing out a blueprint for it.

15. Stop fluctuating between weights.

FULFILLED - But I'd wish to loose weight. Mine's stagnant despite esting too much or too little.

16. Travel more. 1st Quarter: Hong Kong, Italy, UK, Paris; Mid year: Melbourne (mebbe); Year end: Hong Kong (again), Japan/Taipei/Florida (Disney World!) or visit bestie in the US.

FULFILLED - Surprisingly, even though this looks like the most difficult to fulfil, but I've been travelling quite a lot this year. Few amendments though, April: Singapore; May: Adelaide, Melbourne; June: JB; August: London, Paris; September: Hong Kong probably; December: Italy. Pushes Japan till next March 11' in order to view cherry blossoms.

17. Play with my pets more! (Not like I'm playing with them any less!)

CONSTANTLY FULFILLED

18. Expand the social circle.

FULFILLED - I think my anxiety and aversion towards social occasions has improved significantly as compared to last year thanks to the influence of my Pomelo other.

19. Sponsor a child.

NOT YET - But I believe in due time, I should be able to do it.

20. Blog more.

CONSTANTLY TRYING - Lack of time is the culprit. I actually have tonnes of topics in mind to blog about.

21. Contribute physically and actually get involved in the activities of my favourite charities.

 

HALFWAY - When I've resigned, I hope that I can be involved more.

22. Am thinking of being a freelance photojournalist cum designer.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION - Please return again.

Grateful

I am grateful to God because...

• I have not suffered poverty, severe hunger, neverending debts.
• I never lived in a squatter wooden house in someone else's land.
• I never have to work hard in my life because eventually the one before me will pass his fortune down to me.
• I can buy whatever my heart desires without contemplating about the fact that I can't even cover my basic bills.
• I have great chances of education because there's someone to pay it for me.
• Because of good education, I'll start off better in a job than those who cannot afford paper qualification.
• After that, the capital to investing whatsoever is already lying there ready. Money makes more money which will fend me for life and the next few generations.
• I don't have to work towards a retirement fund because I'm already well provided for.
• I don't have to work 2 jobs a day, move to a faraway country to work work in uncomfortable positions because if not, my mother will faint in hunger.
• I don't have to take a loan from the bank. I don't even have to know wtf is a down payment and monthly installments and interest p.a.
• My life is secured no matter what happens.
• I can get sick and not worry about medical expenses.
• I can do anything and everything the poor cannot. Eg. throwing a stack of dollar bills into the sea and feel proud about it
• I can 'peisi' commoners and slave drive them around because I have the power and status to do so.

SERIOUSLY. I am grateful to God.

I am very grateful to God to the point I cry tears of joy because I have a group of friends who have NEVER said ALL the above to me. 

I have friends who see me as an equal, struggling through life (different forms of troubles but same levels of frustrations, despair & worries). Never once I remembered being compared or judged in that manner. They never said that even though I have problems but money makes up for it, believe that other people suffer more than I do and am not qualified to complain.

I am grateful that they do not measure my level of competency against my financial back up. Eg.: She is only skilled because her parents can afford to pay for a more prestigious college. She is only successful because her parents provided her with start up capital (+ If I had the chance / start up capital  / born in her shoes, I would have succeeded too). I'm not like you, my parents cannot afford my resits so I have to work hard (as if I don't).

I am glad that people take sincere interest in my work and I am offered the chance to amuse them (with something I feel too low self esteemed to acknowledge it as 'talent'). I like it when my friends cheer me on in whatever I'm doing (even though I sometimes question whether it makes any sense to them at all). This moves me to tears even though it is just one person doing so.

Am very glad that even though I obviously flopped a thousand times in front of them or said a lot of stupid things whether I realized it or not, they don't make a big deal out of it.

I abhor it when people ask me questions like, "Is there a NEED for YOU to work HARD???" or scoff at my dreams because they think I have the privilege to do so just because I needn't give a shit about reality since that's my parents/ancestors job. They even formed a indisputable hypothesis that it would be instant death for me should I one day loose this support.

Thank God for the people who are NOT like that.

 

Resistance Is Futile

I feel a great sadness in my heart.

I really feel like giving up. 

I'm never living up to expectations. It's always never enough. It's always other people are always better than me.

So many things I've given up for the family; my dreams, my youth, my studies, my ideal career, my ideal life...

And they bite back saying I'm not good enough. 

Who screwed up my future in the first place? Who put this permanent mark of punishment on my head? Who put me in this situation where I can't even lift my head up in society because I feel I am failing them? Who put me in this spiralling depression and insanity pushes me off the edge every so often?

I can't take your emotional abuse any longer.

---

Feels like my head got hit by a meteor and my eyes are burning from crying.

God, I'm a mess.

I feel as if I'm spiraling to hell.

Normally, I haven't vented this much since I left for the UK and then went to TOA. Those felt like my golden years. The last epic catastrophic phase was in Inti where everything felt absolutely hopeless; my parents refused to understand, I struggled with a subject I hated, I was socially retarded and suffered from the lack of self esteem. 

I did a lot of crazy things then.. Somehow I thank God I don't resort to doing them any more.

Most of the time now, I get the feeling that I'm a shame to my family and like the only way to make up for my failure as a daughter is just end my life so that I will not continue shaming them anymore.

I am unable to be what they want me to be and I am unable to come to a compromise with them. Our ideals are impossible to coexist. 

I refuse to let them destroy the next 30 years of my life.

I am unable to meet their standards, ever. Each time I achieve something, they would only raise the bar higher. First they want me to study law, then take the bar, then chamber, practice, open a legal firm, go to court, be a judge and go into politics and mebbe become GOD eventually. It realize it is impossible to satisfy them, ever.

(That's why I want to stop trying.)

I eventually start believing there is something severely wrong with me. I'm useless. I'm stupid. I take my life for granted. I daydream too much and unreceptive of reality. I'm lazy, undriven and unambitious. I'm incapable of reaching that level of intellectual and financial success. I am a failure as a human being. I fail in life. I feel as if my parents are heartbroken and devastated to have a daughter like me. I owe them so much and yet I'm defaulting in my payment to them.