Ha Ha

I must be a f*king masochist.

I've honestly told myself before that I'm never keen in putting myself into compromising situations because I don't have what it takes when it eventually f*ks my up mind and emotions.

I suppose since I acted out of uncontrollable curiousity and insecurity, this is exactly the reults I have to put up with for the rest of my life. So much for instant gratification and deliberate ignorance of common sense.

Like look, you've made it thus far, there is no point in looking back and letting out the skeletons in the closet. Leave it alone and don't look back and let it drag you back to the past.

I wished my heart stopped beating. I feel awfully sick.

September Ended, So wake Up.

My brother is doing his homework by himself... So impressed.

Sis has started baking class across the road. Bro and I just finished up the donuts she brought back yesterday.

Backtrack all the things going on during Sept:-

On top of my ongoing depression attacks, Po passed away mid-Sept. I don't think I'm even ready to talk about it in detail yet. Just that, I feel rather indifferent towards it all, but maybe deep into my subconsciousness, it robbed a huge part of motivation and support. Always kinda thought po would be around to see me get married. But alas, even after meeting all the boyfriends of my younger counterparts, I have yet to bring home someone who (I assume) is worthy of her approval. But yeah, her standards are super high x1,000,000... so probably this person does not exist in this world, so impossible I can find.

What was good was that my cousins came back for the funeral. Always good to see family. And everyone took turns treating dinner, which meant we had good food for about 5 days in a row.

Went to the petting zoo twice in Tambun after the cremation and burial 2 days in a row with different people.

Oh work is exhausting my batteries... Must think of more things to amuse myself.

This Is Not An Ordinary Phase

But yet again, there is always a rock bottom to every phase and eventually after you've managed to hit it, all you will be going is back UP.

I realized that sometimes, all the constant support, encouragement and advise from your friends and family only succeeds in justifying your self pity and sometimes make you feel even rotten about yourself.

However, it just takes a small jolt from your enemy to get you to pull yourself together and stop continuing to make yourself look like an idiot and a loser.

Thank God for enemies. He has a purpose for everything.

 

I Prayed To God And There You Were

I sometimes think that, this joke of life has gone too far. Speaking about building you up and letting you fall from the highest position that you'd break.

This has happened just time and again, it doesn't even surprise me any more, but it still hurts like hell when it does. At this moment, I become really confused. Have I done something wrong to deserve this? Are just all the people I manage to meet and think are good people are wolves in sheeps' skin instead? Why do they even exist to harm other people?

Throughout my whole life, I have only seriously prayed for one thing to God. I don't think it has been answered and I'm getting extremely impatient and exasperated at all the walls I've been hitting. 

It's like my entire world is shattered. I don't even have an obsession to distract me. I just lost passion for everything I used to find joy to; anime, comics, cosplaying, video games, reading, holidaying, plays, good food, musicals, art... My spirit is dead. Everything feels meaningless and unfulfilling. I have this black hole in my heart and nothing is able to fill it. 

Honestly, I hope that I would just black out. Anytime. There is nothing in this world that is holding me..

I berasa emo. Terasa nak mega MIA. Don't want to talk to people.

Let's hope this week is a better week.

The Parable of the Carrot

For the past 10 years, a horse had been led to perform all sorts of tricks and labour with a promising carrot.  It eventually grew sick and tired of pursuing the damn carrot dangling 2 feet in front of it, but eternally never within its reach. It decided to knock the farmer who has been riding on its back and screw the carrot. The horse had been made a sucker, a slave who would bend its back just to have a bite of that stupid carrot.

So one day, it decided to plant its own carrots for its own consumtion. But the farmer, being angry and jealous of the horse's independence and success laughed at the horse's efforts in attempt to humiliate its efforts. He said that his efforts were futile and useless. How could a horse, who had been relying on the food the farmer provided for it suddenly grow carrots?! Impossible.

Eventually, after a few weeks of planting and watering the carrots they grew and was ready for harvesting. However the farmer was displeased and tried to humiliate the horse again, saying that the crops were nothing to be proud about and that his produce was much better because he had better machinery and a bigger plot of land.

However, the horse continued his efforts to grow carrots; sell them and buy new seeds and made profit and eventually his effort paid off and it was able to own its own farm. The farmer continued complaining, nagging, demoralizing and insulting the horse with negativity and lived a very unhappy and unfulfilled life, being judgemental of others while his crops suffered.

The moral of the story; is to have the courage to break free from people who only have negativity to offer and try to make you their slave forever by breaking your spirit, dreams and ambition because it helps them feel better about themselves when they put you down. When you were young and weak, they could still use the 'carrot' to control you, because you had no skills nor ability to farm for yourself. Once you manage to achieve these skills, they become envious and threatened by you and try to bring you down to their level.

To lead a happy and fulfilling life; treat their constant nagging as water flowing out the drain into the recycling system of Indah Water. Never loose sight of your dreams because, yes they are worth fighting for. They are the reason and purpose you were born onto earth and if would be the greatest crime if you go against nature. Your dreams are who you are and what you're here for. You are fighting for 'yourself'.