Reorganizing My Priorities (Once Again)

I'm so messed up right now, honestly. I suppose this is all in the process of growing up. Learning is a lifelong process. You're old enough to stand on your own feet and stand back up when people kick you to the ground. Pain is part of life. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I need to grow up and grow up right now. I realize whenever I feel troubled, I take on more troubles and eventually get burnout by it.

No. 1, I observed that whatever I'm doing now is a desperate measure of turning my life upside down or right side up or wrong side down. There are the microseconds that I loose sight of what the hell I'm intending to do and start wondering what on earth was the initial purpose of me doing this?! I am a confused woman, seriously am. Like I wake up and realize that I'm on a strange, foreign planet.

I think the biggest issue is my insecurity; I'm afraid that if I tried to be too independent I would die in the middle of the street. I have never tried fending for myself, everything I eat, drink, wear and live off is from my parents. I'm afraid of failure, having to acknowledge that I am wrong and you were right from the very beginning. I'm probably not prone to suffering a less than perfect life. Hence, I half-heartedly try to break out from this vicious circle only to be sucked in again whenever I sense the slightest incoming defeat. I hath no courage. I play by defense.

Why the bleep am I such a perfectionist? I should strike for balance. My world is so limited. Here I am building my Tower of Babel. Maybe that's why God struck down my efforts and threw me onto the other side of the world. Why give me a talent and then make it impossible for me to fulfill my individual purpose? Why does my right wrist break down half a year of drawing and not 3 full years of writing? We, mere humans will know of nothing of the mysteries of the world.

The faith in my heart answers; wait upon God and all will be revealed once the time is right...

---

Thank God for always leaving an avenue for brief escape for every challenge in life.

Occasionally, my heart feels like it is about to stop beating ("I feel like I'm going to die."), I find my instant resuscitation in Siwon.

"So handsome."
(Rosy (from Phua Chu Kang) slang)

Immediately my heart will start pumping again...