Mid June Final Decisions

I have to delegate my priorities once again and just deal with life in a more positive manner.

1. I'm putting off buying an iMac or PC until I graduate next year. Period. I don't URGENTLY need it and don't need to break my back to pay off the installments. Just make the compromise to use the iMacs in the college labs. It is not as inconvenient as I think if I manage my time well. 
2. My lenses and flash unit can wait. I'll work with whatever I already have alongside natural light.
3. Put off buying the PS3 as long as possible. I don't need it urgently as well because there're only less than 5 games I'm enthusiastic to play anyway plus it's not like I have the time or resources for it. A PS3 + games can pay off 2 months of college fees.
4. Put off buying the iPhone 4G until I have a decent salary to own one. Least important in my priority list. I have to cease the need to be kiasu about my gadgets. Like screw it if everyone has a BB or iPhone. It's just a thing to boost your ego. My ego is already big as it is.
5. Honest to God, the PS2 can wait as well. I've been without it since more than a year and it won't make a difference to add on a few months. If I have free time, better go concentrate on my online business instead. I'll only get it if I get some bonus money.
6. Giving all the above up, it's okay to modify the PSP for RM50 because RM50 cost much less than 1 PSP game plus I found an avenue for free games. Initially, I tried to modify the PSP myself. Unfortunately, different versions have different downgrades, ours is a later model (most existing tutorials are for the older models which involved rigging the hardware) and I don't want to fry my sis's PSP because I'm trying to kiam siap. After exams mebbe.
7. Be extremely kiasu in my FB games and let it distract me from boredom. Since I'm paying for the internet anyway.
8. Calm down and know that living at home is a prerequisite for saving enough money to move out once and for all.
9. I don't need anymore clothes, bags, shoes or accessories. Nuff said. People who stay at home often just need home clothes or a towel.
10. After August, it's a final halt till November to spending on leisure stuff like holidays and trips and just stay at home learning more beneficial stuff from reading.
11. Join the next craft fair.
12. Finish whatever assignments due and study for tests.
13. Book whatever I need to book for UK and Paris.
14. Most importantly, concentrate on finishing my cosplay projects this 2 weeks. 

I'm half upset with myself, half glad that someone pointed it out to me that I'm loosing control of my life. I'm human. Oppressed long enough, it will eventually break me. Luckily, I'm not hard to fix back either. I'll definitely survive pass this period as long as I'm determined enough and level headed all the time. I know I'm intelligent and talented. Just need to not loose focus and be affected emotionally.

Ah Ann

My golden baby, happy 24th birthday. Let me take this opportunity to reminisce about the time that has passed since the first day I knew you.

The first day I met you during college, you were still a minor. Now in a more year's time, you're gonna be in your mid 20s. Not to pour cold water on you, but just to encourage you that there's a different type of excitement at every different stage of life, so it's better to look forward to new things you couldn't have done while you were  under 20 than to keep comparing it to the past. Plus, insya Allah, I hope to be there for you at every stage of your life.

Live la nearer. I actually hate travelling to Johor. Always meet a lot of dodgy people.  Crime rate high. Larkin is even scarier x30 than Puduraya. I kena rompak/rogol/potong/kukus/cincang also nobody know. Niaseng. If wasn't because of you, I don't need to even give a crap that Johor is part of Malaysia. It's still early, but I'm packing my overnight bag and bring my taser along for security purposes. Can't wait to see you. We've been meeting once or twice a year since graduation but dunno why I feel like you're part of my everyday life.

Love you babe,

Mama emas

As I Wake Up

I think the most the moment I wake up. As in, the most critical things come to mind the second I make the transit back from slumber to reality. It's like a moodswing/pms moment and I start emo-ing and becoming extremely depressed. That's why I hate waking up. I wished someone would hit me in the head so I could go back to sleep.

Most indefinitely, I would think about a lot of mistakes I made in the past, how I was wronged by certain people, past abandonment, lack of understanding and support, or my lack of achievements and stability in conducting my own life, money...

Today I woke up and I kinda remembered what exactly it was that made me extremely enthusiastic and happy in life. My dream life I was working hard for. Going to art college and producing a load of art. Painting. Crafting. Photographing. Hanging out with my laid back friends talking about random artistic events like plays, musicals, exhibitions in a jazz bar or a funky dessert place. Being invited to showcase for exhibitions. Talk about my work. Make friends and be known through my trade. Watch anime, read manga and play PS games if I had free time. Have my own pod and design it the way I like.

Not be known as the lawyer among everyone. It's too annoying. Thank God for some of my closer relatives who acknowledge the fact that I'm studying art now. I think I probably watch too much television and admittedly I'm jealous at scenes where the parents actually encourage their kids to do their best in whatever their passionate about (ie. playing the guitar or entering some talent competition) Mine is like; whatever. Sometimes I feel they only care about the son. The reason I say this is because he just gets everything he says he wants, whereas even we beg for it, sigh, never comes.

I mean, I want a table for work at least. I don't even get that. I kinda know that and iMac, PS3 and zoom lens is probably crossing over the line. Fair enough.

 

Living life now is just boring and tiring. I thought resigning from work would help, but in exchange for financial instability and financial worry... 

In a nutshell, I'd probably just want to spend time in my room drawing and painting. Some moments, I'm kinda annoyed that there's only graphic design in Ipoh, which I knew from the very beginning was a bit off course. Am I regretting? I can't regret because that is my only ticket (albeit a 3rd class one) to reverse my relation to Law. And also a stepping stone to getting a better art qualification for the future.

Huah!!! So Angry Right Now I Don't Know What To Scold First.

In list order, the accumulated events that pissed me off.

Firstly, I have never ending to-dos, never ending planning/organizing/strategizing, never ending assignments, never ending appointments, never ending costumes/props, never ending lethargy no matter how long I sleep and never ending tension and stress on top of everything. F* why is my life so eventful beyond reason.

Okay, with my hands full already, I don't need unnecessary crap to elevate my hypertension. Like WTFH is wrong with people who enjoy abusing the use of hand phones?!! Just these 2 days alone.

I noticed a long time ago, that Malaysians have the most ridiculous telephone etiquette in the world. 

For example, when you call someone you first introduce yourself especially if its your first time calling. Normal. But what's abnormal is that people don't like saying who they are. As if they are ashamed of their own names or you'll suck their soul into the phone if they mentioned it. And when you force the issue to identify themselves, they say they'll call back later and hang up. =_=" I honestly find this attitude really lame and annoying. Another scenario is when they call the wrong number, realizes its not the voice they recognize and they hang up. An apology won't kill you, especially when you just disturbed someone by ringing their phone and they drop whatever their doing to pick up your call, just to be hung up rudely.

Okay, so what got me annoyed today was this woman who called me yesterday. I couldn't recognize the number but I picked it up in case it was someone I knew using someone else's phone to call me. When I picked up the phone, this woman bombarded me with questions like "Where are you? Are you at home? Are you free?". Defensive instinct: I said, "No, who are you?" Apparently, this woman is the clerk working at my college and she was trying to sell me unit trust funds. (Huah!? Can use students info for personal purposes wan?!) Anyway, the way she was talking to me was quite 'semangat,' saying can make a lot of money, good investment bla bla bla... And I politely just said, ok-lah, just give me the information  brochure when I come to college, I'll read over. Bai bai.

For me, I'm open to learning new investment stuff, but doesn't mean I just buy like crazy just because of the so-called greater profit. Plus, I've heard stories about people losing money buying unit trusts. The main reason why these people push you to buy these things is because they have to meet their quota and get their commission from selling you their product. I mean, fair enough, I get interest as well, but the thing is that some people just tell you the good points of the investment and not the bad part. This is something I don't really like because they would have profited from your investment but if it goes awry, it's your money that gets lost and they would have pocketed their commission anyway (so its none of their business if it screws up).

So up to date, the people I'm rather afraid of are insurance agents, unit trust / investment representatives, network marketing people. Sales people and credit card promoters not so much maybe because they're not so persistent and desperate.

So tonight came and I was busy like crazy with a whole tonne of work to do (till the point I had to give up a nice Korean dinner) and the woman called again. And again. A total of 7 times, every 20 minutes. I switched off my phone. I was feeling petty and irritated. Everyone knows how I hate interruptions when I'm working. I pray to God she doesn't call over the weekend and just wait for me to come to school on Monday. My point is, yeah fine, you want me to buy something which sounds good. Firstly, I don't think it's right to just use my phone number I gave my college for any other purpose unless it is school related. Secondly, I didn't think there was a need to spam my phones with calls 7 times a night unless  its something urgent like someone died, 2 would be  fairly reasonable.

Another case is this v.v.v.v.v. annoying person who has been calling my phone since last year. I think out of his 100 phone calls and text I've only picked up twice (on which occasion I didn't know it was him calling) and after I found out it was him, I ignored his calls/text completely. Like, what idiot in this universe would keep calling a phone that never answers him for over a year?! OMFG. Normal people would 'get the hint' that they're not very well liked or speculate that this person is no longer using that number AND GIVE UP.

My phone isn't joined to my hip so I don't bring it everywhere with me. I don't have a significant telecommunication habit that I have to check my phone every 2 minutes. Looking me up on MSN is even more reliable than expecting me to pick up my phone. And other than that, I don't pick up calls from weird, unidentified numbers or people I don't like. I hate confrontation and I don't feel like explaining to people I don't like them because not wanting to talk to you for over a year is a big enough indication to leave me alone and get a life. Haiyo, you don't have other friends meh?

I feel so harassed at the moment, I really want to change my phone number.

I Shall Rant

Seems a long time, but it isn't very long since Po passed away. The heartache hasn't ceased. Maybe it's because everything has been going downhill after she passed on. At least when she was around, I would still see justice upheld. I felt protected in a way, cared for, I had someone to back me up. The majority of the time I felt I was misunderstood and opposed, but to know that Po supported whatever I wanted to do (even though iI really don't know whether it made any sense to her), that is good enough.

She knew I didn't like Law. While she was alive, I have never heard her expecting me to be a lawyer or trying to convince me to be one. She never ever brought this topic up with me. In fact, I heard from my aunt that she told my mother off for making me study something I didn't want to study. And allocated my funds specifically for art college because she knew my parents didn't have the capability to send me to college.

What is happening now, is even crazier than then. At least during that period of time, I was given some kind of HOPE. 

Hope that I just had to study law and I'll be free from this entire family obligation. Please grandpa. Graduate and get to study art. Life will be easier because I'll have funds to live on. Splurge a bit, buy the things I always wanted to buy. Less worries. Live like Paris Hilton maybe.

The whole thing was a blatant lie.

I worry every night how to pay off my college fees and still be left with enough money to do the things I like to do, enough money to move out when I get a job, enough money to buy a house, enough money to have a family and enough money to feed my kids and send them to school... Marrying rich is something you strike with luck. The average man earns 3k. 1k goes to the mortgage/rent, 1.5k to the family expenses, left with a measly 500 for personal use and emergencies. Barely enough to live. Even if you earn 5k, it gets spent in the same ratio, so technically, the higher salaried person isn't any way better off having reliable assets other than his job. What I'm trying to say is that it is highly likely I'm going to marry someone around this category, because realistically, there aren't many eligible rich men floating around. And even if there is, how likely is one willing to marry me, right? So, no, unfortunately this is not a available solution for me.

I suppose when you work in a conveyancing firm long enough, you could tell the really rich from those who  try to act rich but actually living on credit. Honestly, our jobs can only afford us so much.

Anyways, continue with ranting. There are a couple stuff I'd really like to have, like a new computer to work on (my laptop is officially fried, and now I have to rely on the college labs) and upgrades for my camera. Food I can cut down, traveling I can't budget quite well, shopping isn't necessary. I get quite angry because I feel that the things I need aren't unreasonable and it's not like we cannot afford it. But what the heck is the issue for asking for money? Dad makes it like climbing up Mount Everest; you don't know whether you'll be able to reach there eventually. I'm really tired of asking for funds. Which is really agonizing, because on one hand you want to concentrate on studying, pursue the college life you always wanted and have time tat the end of the day to do work and de-stress, but you have to worry about money because you're not working. 

I'm really frustrated because he rather spend money pleasing other people and showing off rather than even contributing to his children's education or well being. Sigh, there are just so many more unpleasant stories but I'll just stop here. Injustice. It's revolting. It's like grandfather's manipulation tactics all over again.

It's like I'm being thrown at the beginning of Law again. The only way out is to endure it to the end. And HOPE.

I think Po might be proud that I'm making it despite everything. But knowing her, she would never had let me go through such thing. Knowing that is enough.

Sigh

Strange things are happening to me again.

It's familiar to me but it would be bizarre to other people.

I don't know since when, but it feels like your heart doesn't feel like it belongs to you anymore and it feels comfortable being in someone else's possession. 

Ableh. Goes to sleep.