Just To Be Clear

I think my last, last post kinda garnered a wrong impression about me being anti-marriage or anti-men or anti babies or anti-weddings. That's way off course. I'll admit that I ridiculed and exaggerated some content just for humour sake, considering how morbid this kind of subjects I write about. Some things I said was just to illustrate a fact (maybe a little bit dramatically). I got really uncomfortable that instead of backing up my points, people are even more convinced that I'm all the things I listed above.

I honestly respect and hold in high regard the aspect of a marital union. I enjoy going to weddings and I comprehend that it is one of the most important events in a person's life. I get upset and confused when people break up because I know how horrible a heart break can be and it's not something I would wish on anyone. But if this still doesn't really convince you, then you are free to believe what you want to believe, and I shall just continue to live my life as how it normally is to me at my own pace.

What I really find annoying to the point of frustration are people who are not aware their own boundaries. Caring for a friend's happiness is one thing, but do it subtly. Gently nudge them tor encourage them in a kinder way Not shove it down their throats and when they retort, you blame them being defensive. (OMG where did you get the perception that everything YOU say and think is right).

From another perspective, how would a person who is in a relationship feel if someone just came up to her trying to convince her that her choice of life is going to lead her to disaster with the following statements?

1. Are you still with XYZ? You haven't broke up yet? Aren't you bored already? Time to change!

2. So, seems that relationship/marriage/family life has taken all your freedom. 

3. You don't even have as much time for yourself. You don't have a opinions, much less a personality.

4. You're boyfriend's an ass. You should break up with him.

5. You're tied down.

6. Boring. No more market value.

7. You deserve better than that scumbag.

8. You're probably right, better him than nothing, you poor thing. Not much of a choice, do we?

My point is, the way you tell us things like that we 're commitment-phobic, selfish, picky, slutty, we're going to grow old and die alone and miserable in a house full of cats are HURTFUL. It hurts as much as we tell you your choice in a life partner sucks and will drag you to hell with him if you don't dump him soon. Even though both facts may be true.

Plus, if that's the worst that could happen by being single, it doesn't really sound all that bad actually comparing to being having your house bombed, or family killed and raped in front of you, or being tortured to death by mutilating your xyz or buried alive.

Even if you're married you can still die alone. 1. if your spouse dies earlier than you/divorces you/happens to be on a business trip far away; 2. and if your children all move away (could be because you nag them too much about marrying); 3. the nurse in the old folk's home has 20 other old people to look after; 4. you slipped and fell off a cliff (like Yoshito Usui, author of Shin Chan) and your body is only found 9 days later half rotten. Plus if you happen to be a cat lover, that won't make the end of you life any better than the single people you've been cursing all your life. (This is a common statement; so it's not like targetted specifically at anyone. I'm kinda directing this to myself too because I have that kinda visualization too!)

I have the kind of reservations that normal people would (or should) have ie. that your future spouse is a bad egg who cheats, gambles, squanders money etc. Other than my own experiences, I also observe other people's relationships and to me, a person who is highly sensitive and rather naive, I don't have that kind of emotional endurance to multiple date and multiple break up and still be cool about it. It's like how a coach doesn't put a low stamina player in the game for far too long but if he puts him in at the right time, he may score a good goal.

I'm sure a lot of you do realize that having real friend's are like having gold, but they are not easy to find. The kind that sticks through you through thick and thin and not try to hamhoi you everytime they can? If it's so hard to find a good friend, it's about the same level of challenge, or higher to find a good husband. Because it's not just about 'feel', you need to be smart in all other aspects such as compatibility, development as a team, good financial standing, good parenting and integrity as a human being. I mean, you can fall in love with a jerk (we all usually do). And that won't work. At All.

Disclaimer: You guys know how kiasu I am. My family wanted me to do Law so bad but I purposely went and do Art. It just says about my personality, the more you force me into a belief, the more I'll fight back just to let you know you can't simply throw your weight around and expect people to submit to you easily. In normal conditions, I probably wouldn't have hated Law (or marriage :P). Would certainly enjoyed it, but at my own terms and pace.

As for the answer to the big Q. I don't know but I'm certainly open to it. But if it doesn't happen, it's probably better to be single than to be married to the wrong guy, just look on the bright side of life and find other beneficial things to do in life lor. Marriage certainly need not be an achievement nor is it something to prove one's self worth. Either way, even if it is, it's something deserving congratulations and well wishes ultimately.

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Happy Mid-Autumn!~ I hope everyone is well and in good health. Don't eat too much mooncakes because there's high sugar content in it.

Gees my lips are tearing apart because of dryness and I peel them out of frustration.

Today, I just blurted out that I wanted to eject myself out of my life. You know like the eject button they have in the plane and you press it when your plane is about to crash. I was really amused with someone's cute effort to help me 'eject' today. You have no idea how much I wanted to take on that offer, it became the highlight of the day Unfortunately as usual, I had to decline because I am guilt driven to live up to a lot of expectations. I think mum will just melt without me right now but because she's my mum, it's just the right thing to look after her and give support. 

I'll just complain and complain here only. It hasn't been coming out my lips that I'm upset over a lot of things. I'm just quiet about the whole issue and it bothers me in little doses. When I look back the past one month (or 2 years in grand total), I can say at this moment, I am impervious to any more incoming pain.

I'm much like a walking zombie who can't really mentally or emotionally absorb what's going on. On top of my own personal unresolved issues, an addition of stuff like these just makes me totally BLUR. As in, I feel that it angers/saddens/bores me but it's stuck in my throat and will not come out. I dislike this storm of responsibility that is dragging me back to the starting point. I just don't want to be in this position that I've been trying to escape my entire life. It took me 97% of my life to convince myself that I had a right of choice of how I want to live. Not constantly being told of what to do. It's like living with a manual constantly in your hand.

Honestly, I wished that everyone just go fk themselves with their own problems, not involve other people just because they need some verification or attention. I don't care lor, whatever la, just fk off. I don't like it when people are like, "This hasn't been done" and looks at you. If it's not done, then just go do it lor. You can't be expecting me to do everything but when I do it my way, you 'beh song' and force me to do it your way. Then do it yourself in the first place and not waste everyone's time and energy la.

Some moments it even occurs to me to just beg them to leave me alone. You are all full grown adults, can you please be more independent and stop relying on me for every damn thing. Keep saying that its for my own good but in pretext, it's for your own benefit entirely lor.

Isn't the meaning of life to be happy? Isn't being happy living a life of meaning? Everyone has their own individual meaning and it deserves respect and regard. I never inconvenienced or burdened other people with my decisions or at least I try very hard not to. Probably because of this trait, I expect people not to cross the boundaries and shove their stuff into my face.

On the other hand, I've been hearing extremely depressing news about laws in a lot of countries (even in M'sia) allowing divorced spouses, men and women alike, to claim alimony or spousal support from the more affluent spouse. Now, as a general rule, I look down on men who leech of their wives/gfs for money. I respect if both have equal if not the man having higher earning capabilities. And the thought  right after divorcing the bastard, you still have to give him benefits. In my personal context, I hate the idea of divorce. In fact, it shouldn't be an option. If I had to divorce a man, it would have been something so serious at the extent of committing some unforgivable, cardinal sin. Like OMG Britney Spears paying that loser K-Fed alimony. It's just disgusting. You have to slog like a cow to feed the kids, deal with the opinions emotions and you're not even allowed to have some sort of satisfaction from revenge by ditching the ass-O. Fk what kind of law is this?

Why am I worried you ask? Of course I am worried. 9 out of 10 of the women I know are financially more able than their bfs/brothers/fathers even among the poorer class. (1 is filthy rich and the parents will never run out of cash) Usually, it's girls who have stable jobs and good saving habits. Even those who shop like a maniac, knows how to miraculously  unwind herself from bankruptcy. Another shameful fact is some guy friends have asked me to borrow them money because they're flat broke, despite the fact that they are employed and I'm not. (If you do read this, I just hope that you should take a good look at your financial health and not make borrowing a habit, I'm not even your girlfriend, hey) So yeah, I don't look highly at the earning capabilities of most men but I still try to give them the benefit of the doubt. 

That is why I am sickly concerned. Moreover, if I had any wealth in my life, it would be money given to me by parents, and I keep thinking to myself, this isn't MY money to squander. It's my parents hard earned money, the kind of money my dad had to work for being separated from the family for weeks and risked dying in multiple landslides throughout his time at work and when he finally retires, he passes away prematurely. I don't even have a dad now to scrutinize and warn his future son in law to treat me well if not, he will do something nasty to him. And to think if after your husband screws your life up with his bad behavior, the law does not protect you from him continuing to rob even more things from your life. What spousal support my grand arse?! He has his arms and legs and is not a spastic. He should go work and support himself la. Especially if the fkr has been using MY money to fund the mistress/gamble/alcoholism/smoking/pay illegal debts. Then what's the point of divorcing him?

Summarily, marry someone richer than you or NEVER let him know how much you have if you're obviously richer.

The Thing About Marriage (Woman's Perspective)

The only marriage I actually envy in my life is the husband and wife relationship my maternal grandpa and grandma had. But that's the past. They were match made and put up with each other because they had strong family values (no cheating, stealig, lying, divorce, support each other through thick and thin, give children the best). Obviously, Po loved Goong, considering the Chanel No. 5 perfumes she kept since the days he courted her (the smell has gone off by now) and how Goong smiles sheepishly every time we tease him about how he courted Po.

I just don't like it when some people have an indisputable perception that unmarried women are miserable pieces of crap. I beg to differ that having a husband is the beginning and end of your life till the point that you revolve everything around him. That being said out of experience. Being in love is great, but the life requirement to get married is totally overrated.

Getting married is the next best event after graduation. You announce to the world HEYA I'm married, be a queen of a day where every one gives you attention, take pictures which you look absolutely stunning x30 thanks to Photoshop. That my dears, is an illusion of happiness. (I can feel that kinda euphoria when I cosplay as well when swarmed with photographers and people queuing to get a shot with you, and it's not just one day) After the honeymoon phase, everything goes back to normal. The babies, the financial issues, the snoring, quirks. Even anthropologists confirm that the happiness level of single and married people are the same (scale goes up a while during the wedding and comes back down to normal like everyone else). 

Whether you're happy in life or not depends very much on yourself. Fact is, most single, widowed and divorced women are pretty much doing okay. My mum, my sensei, my aunts, they just move on with life, despite their husbands premature passing and don't seem to have any intentions of remarrying. They have their jobs, kids maybe, hobbies and causes that keep their mind occupied from the fact that they're single. It's only those women who obsess about being 'wanted' are the miserable ones. I believe if they are truly happy in their relationships they won't say mean things about other people. It's just not normal for happy people to spout so much negativity about their perceptions of other people. If anyone has the right to complain, it's those single people (but they don't), why do you find the need to complain on their behalf?

The other day I was just pondering about a few people (and also HK dramas) I know who borrowed money to her then boyfriend in promise of marrying her after he graduates, which obviously never happened. Wouldn't it be better if she invested the money in her own education (or stocks, property etc.) instead of placing all her hopes in this fella? Fellas can run away, but the education and investments you make are yours. Another fact is that if a fella borrows money from you (a girl), it means that he does not hold you in high regard. Naturally, if a guy is truly in love with a girl, he would break his back rather than to let her suffer, and provide to her every need. He knows that asking a girl for favours is NOT attractive (same reason that girls act all nice and demure around the guy she fancies).

I know of the two typical scenarios where girls marry:

1) girl falls in love with guy regardless of his condition (eg. low education qualification, low paying job, big ego, snotty attitude) Let's not even come to the more extremes of alcoholism, wife beaters, gamblers, psychos, disabled, dies. Who suffers? The wife and the kids larh. But the wife is often in denial and instead diverts the attention by pointing out that single women have it tougher (How would she know?) Mebbe she's a masochist because to her living in poverty or receiving physical/emotional/mental pain is better than being 'unwanted'. Notice that the phase 'unwanted' is a something she conceived out of her own perception of herself and not exactly a universal fact. The only people who are literally unwanted (and deserve everyone's full sympathy) are babies thrown in a bin because their blood parents have the heart to just dump them because of refusal of responsibility or severe financial constraints.

2) girls who marry for economical stability (a whole lot more than social status stability). How do you explain the escalating amount of Asian women marrying foreign men through mail-order bride agencies till the point Asian men cry foul as this reduces their prospects of getting a wife. Look at China for instance. The one child policy plus the fear of an end of a family lineage (sons to carry the surname) has increased the ratio of men to women by 3:1. And the amount of China women seeking foreign men (in the higher income bracket and chance of migrating to a better country) are rising fast. Not just China women, but in countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand etc. And foreign men love them because they are not as demanding and high maintenance as some modern women.

Ideally, everyone wishes for that kind of happily ever after; which is to grow old together and still be together even though there are probably obstacles, heartbreak and sadness.

But people nowadays, all go with the feeling in their groin, I mean most of the time, their heart. It's common to hear the phase 'No feel'. There is no such scenario, especially among the middle class-affluent to just marry just because, there MUST be 'feel'.

Marrying for love is the main idea. RARELY, we will marry for looks (that is more likely for flings and for short term pleasure) and men do not put as much importance in their physical appearance as much as women. (That's weird, because in the animal world, its the other way around). I don't think women marry for sex (or because they got deflowered) as this is way past the sexual revolution and almost the same amount of women want to have no strings attached as men (that is until they find the right one).

Honestly girls, the main reason to get married is for economical leverage (consciously and subconsciously). In layman's terms, we marry for money (and if we can push it further, fame and status) since ancient times. Also, blame Hollywood for always depicting a man's extent of love for a woman is in a form of a glittering rock (and much dependable of the size) and other objects of affection (roses, chocolates, cars and objects of materialistic origins). In real life, I find that only 1 in 10 girls would require this, the rest are usually nice and simple girls and don't ask for much (mebbe for some, it's all in their plan of snagging the guy who would be put off by gold diggers and then debone him slowly when they've sealed the deal). I haven't met a girl who would openly complain something along the lines of "You don't love me. If you did, you would buy me the something-obscenely-expensive". But yeah, I know a lot of girls whom their bfs are subtly convinced to fund for their phone bills, travel expenses, food, general shopping, rent, basic necessities, car installments etc. Tell me again, girls that you're not looking for someone to provide for YOU, YOU and YOU.

We women are lazy. We were pampered because society places so much pressure on men to be the bread winner of the family and we were expected to play the supporting role (now redundant in the 21st century). Hence the mentality that there is no need to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job and enter the rat race because we are not programmed to do so. In fact, being too successful as a woman lowers your chances of getting married (in Asian culture). 

We are programmed to be future tai-tais and most likely trophy wives. Modern women are not even pressured to give birth to a football team or clean/cook/wash because it is common practice to hire a maid (because it is even more costlier if we do it ourselves, if you get what I mean). Nowadays, men have to beg their wives to make babies. And based on my personal observation, men nowadays don't give a shit if women can't cook/clean/wash as long as you are capable in the bedroom department. So it is invalid to say that it is a prospective quality to have.

Boohoo, cooking/cleaning/washing are my main talents, but any girl with a legal female genitalia (regardless of looks and talent) can easily get a boyfriend. (Obviously, I'm talking about certain people I know, not completely out of envy but more as a matter of fact to prove my point.) Well, desperation, I mean determination to succeed plays a major role in this. Honestly, place one free in front of any guy and what do they loose anyway? Unless it's as hard as badly cooked abalone to swallow. (There goes my bitch side...)

I was recently reading Western articles that actually depict that Westerners actually don't place think highly in their son-in-laws to provide for their daughters. Maybe it has something to do with the high divorce rate as Westerners are more individualistic minded and has lower tolerance of bad behaviour from their spouse as compared to their Asian counterparts. Besides, marriage isn't truly practical asset at this age and time.

As a Chinese, I think it is devastating to know that some of the women I know actually put up with their husband/boyfriend's bad behavior ranging from beatings, constant money borrowing (and not returning), cheating, gambling etc. just because of the fear of being single. They believe they have invested a lot (time, youth, virginity, money, dignity) in their boyfriends to let them go despite the deterioration of attitude towards them. If you see a friend/relative/child getting abused in her relationship, very naturally you'd want to stand up for her because she can totally not stand up for herself anymore at this point because she is so emotionally blinded by this relationship she has invested her entire being into but is getting more miserable as a result of being mistreated. And to her, to break up now is HER loss. They can never believe that it's that guy's loss for taking advantage of a nice girl's affection towards him. Self-worth/esteem issues.

Names are protected to protect the confidentiality of individuals who have contributed very honestly (and without much pressure in any form on my behalf).

I Think I May Have Grown Up

1. I haven't got a serious crush on anime/game characters for ages.

2. In fact, I find it disturbing if other people do. I actually gagged when I tried imagining a male otakushaving sexual fantasies about anime girls with unnaturally big eyes (and sometimes boobs). I was like thinking... how can you actually f* that?!!

3. I actually find shojou anime/manga freaking annoying. I don't even flip through a shojou title just to grip what it's talking about.

4. Even shonen exhausts me sometimes. Can you imagine it's been 6 months and I haven't even finished watching Black Butler. I watch like 1-2 episodes a month (3 if I'm dead bored).

5. I think that people who collect figurines are extremely awesome for their collection, but I really look down on their financial discretion (especially if they spend 50-100% of their monthly salary or rob other people on it).