The Thing About Marriage (Woman's Perspective)

The only marriage I actually envy in my life is the husband and wife relationship my maternal grandpa and grandma had. But that's the past. They were match made and put up with each other because they had strong family values (no cheating, stealig, lying, divorce, support each other through thick and thin, give children the best). Obviously, Po loved Goong, considering the Chanel No. 5 perfumes she kept since the days he courted her (the smell has gone off by now) and how Goong smiles sheepishly every time we tease him about how he courted Po.

I just don't like it when some people have an indisputable perception that unmarried women are miserable pieces of crap. I beg to differ that having a husband is the beginning and end of your life till the point that you revolve everything around him. That being said out of experience. Being in love is great, but the life requirement to get married is totally overrated.

Getting married is the next best event after graduation. You announce to the world HEYA I'm married, be a queen of a day where every one gives you attention, take pictures which you look absolutely stunning x30 thanks to Photoshop. That my dears, is an illusion of happiness. (I can feel that kinda euphoria when I cosplay as well when swarmed with photographers and people queuing to get a shot with you, and it's not just one day) After the honeymoon phase, everything goes back to normal. The babies, the financial issues, the snoring, quirks. Even anthropologists confirm that the happiness level of single and married people are the same (scale goes up a while during the wedding and comes back down to normal like everyone else). 

Whether you're happy in life or not depends very much on yourself. Fact is, most single, widowed and divorced women are pretty much doing okay. My mum, my sensei, my aunts, they just move on with life, despite their husbands premature passing and don't seem to have any intentions of remarrying. They have their jobs, kids maybe, hobbies and causes that keep their mind occupied from the fact that they're single. It's only those women who obsess about being 'wanted' are the miserable ones. I believe if they are truly happy in their relationships they won't say mean things about other people. It's just not normal for happy people to spout so much negativity about their perceptions of other people. If anyone has the right to complain, it's those single people (but they don't), why do you find the need to complain on their behalf?

The other day I was just pondering about a few people (and also HK dramas) I know who borrowed money to her then boyfriend in promise of marrying her after he graduates, which obviously never happened. Wouldn't it be better if she invested the money in her own education (or stocks, property etc.) instead of placing all her hopes in this fella? Fellas can run away, but the education and investments you make are yours. Another fact is that if a fella borrows money from you (a girl), it means that he does not hold you in high regard. Naturally, if a guy is truly in love with a girl, he would break his back rather than to let her suffer, and provide to her every need. He knows that asking a girl for favours is NOT attractive (same reason that girls act all nice and demure around the guy she fancies).

I know of the two typical scenarios where girls marry:

1) girl falls in love with guy regardless of his condition (eg. low education qualification, low paying job, big ego, snotty attitude) Let's not even come to the more extremes of alcoholism, wife beaters, gamblers, psychos, disabled, dies. Who suffers? The wife and the kids larh. But the wife is often in denial and instead diverts the attention by pointing out that single women have it tougher (How would she know?) Mebbe she's a masochist because to her living in poverty or receiving physical/emotional/mental pain is better than being 'unwanted'. Notice that the phase 'unwanted' is a something she conceived out of her own perception of herself and not exactly a universal fact. The only people who are literally unwanted (and deserve everyone's full sympathy) are babies thrown in a bin because their blood parents have the heart to just dump them because of refusal of responsibility or severe financial constraints.

2) girls who marry for economical stability (a whole lot more than social status stability). How do you explain the escalating amount of Asian women marrying foreign men through mail-order bride agencies till the point Asian men cry foul as this reduces their prospects of getting a wife. Look at China for instance. The one child policy plus the fear of an end of a family lineage (sons to carry the surname) has increased the ratio of men to women by 3:1. And the amount of China women seeking foreign men (in the higher income bracket and chance of migrating to a better country) are rising fast. Not just China women, but in countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand etc. And foreign men love them because they are not as demanding and high maintenance as some modern women.

Ideally, everyone wishes for that kind of happily ever after; which is to grow old together and still be together even though there are probably obstacles, heartbreak and sadness.

But people nowadays, all go with the feeling in their groin, I mean most of the time, their heart. It's common to hear the phase 'No feel'. There is no such scenario, especially among the middle class-affluent to just marry just because, there MUST be 'feel'.

Marrying for love is the main idea. RARELY, we will marry for looks (that is more likely for flings and for short term pleasure) and men do not put as much importance in their physical appearance as much as women. (That's weird, because in the animal world, its the other way around). I don't think women marry for sex (or because they got deflowered) as this is way past the sexual revolution and almost the same amount of women want to have no strings attached as men (that is until they find the right one).

Honestly girls, the main reason to get married is for economical leverage (consciously and subconsciously). In layman's terms, we marry for money (and if we can push it further, fame and status) since ancient times. Also, blame Hollywood for always depicting a man's extent of love for a woman is in a form of a glittering rock (and much dependable of the size) and other objects of affection (roses, chocolates, cars and objects of materialistic origins). In real life, I find that only 1 in 10 girls would require this, the rest are usually nice and simple girls and don't ask for much (mebbe for some, it's all in their plan of snagging the guy who would be put off by gold diggers and then debone him slowly when they've sealed the deal). I haven't met a girl who would openly complain something along the lines of "You don't love me. If you did, you would buy me the something-obscenely-expensive". But yeah, I know a lot of girls whom their bfs are subtly convinced to fund for their phone bills, travel expenses, food, general shopping, rent, basic necessities, car installments etc. Tell me again, girls that you're not looking for someone to provide for YOU, YOU and YOU.

We women are lazy. We were pampered because society places so much pressure on men to be the bread winner of the family and we were expected to play the supporting role (now redundant in the 21st century). Hence the mentality that there is no need to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job and enter the rat race because we are not programmed to do so. In fact, being too successful as a woman lowers your chances of getting married (in Asian culture). 

We are programmed to be future tai-tais and most likely trophy wives. Modern women are not even pressured to give birth to a football team or clean/cook/wash because it is common practice to hire a maid (because it is even more costlier if we do it ourselves, if you get what I mean). Nowadays, men have to beg their wives to make babies. And based on my personal observation, men nowadays don't give a shit if women can't cook/clean/wash as long as you are capable in the bedroom department. So it is invalid to say that it is a prospective quality to have.

Boohoo, cooking/cleaning/washing are my main talents, but any girl with a legal female genitalia (regardless of looks and talent) can easily get a boyfriend. (Obviously, I'm talking about certain people I know, not completely out of envy but more as a matter of fact to prove my point.) Well, desperation, I mean determination to succeed plays a major role in this. Honestly, place one free in front of any guy and what do they loose anyway? Unless it's as hard as badly cooked abalone to swallow. (There goes my bitch side...)

I was recently reading Western articles that actually depict that Westerners actually don't place think highly in their son-in-laws to provide for their daughters. Maybe it has something to do with the high divorce rate as Westerners are more individualistic minded and has lower tolerance of bad behaviour from their spouse as compared to their Asian counterparts. Besides, marriage isn't truly practical asset at this age and time.

As a Chinese, I think it is devastating to know that some of the women I know actually put up with their husband/boyfriend's bad behavior ranging from beatings, constant money borrowing (and not returning), cheating, gambling etc. just because of the fear of being single. They believe they have invested a lot (time, youth, virginity, money, dignity) in their boyfriends to let them go despite the deterioration of attitude towards them. If you see a friend/relative/child getting abused in her relationship, very naturally you'd want to stand up for her because she can totally not stand up for herself anymore at this point because she is so emotionally blinded by this relationship she has invested her entire being into but is getting more miserable as a result of being mistreated. And to her, to break up now is HER loss. They can never believe that it's that guy's loss for taking advantage of a nice girl's affection towards him. Self-worth/esteem issues.

Names are protected to protect the confidentiality of individuals who have contributed very honestly (and without much pressure in any form on my behalf).