Day Two Of College

I made it to class without being marked LATE today. (because I arrived 10 minutes later >3<") I will try harder the next few classes. Hopefully by the time that I have graduated from TOA, I would become a responsible and punctual adult. Please give me your utmost support.

As for my results last semester, I must say that I scored higher than I expected for a person who is close to being crippled. Not that I'm challenging my lecturer's discretion of marks, but I felt that I offered the least amount of effort and seriousness for the past 2 months, it's shameful talking about it. Everything was actually rather easy to score, but God knows what I have been doing...

So yay, it's been a year since I started here. From what I can tell, 2nd year will be the pre-nightmare phase and there will be much less or no mercy when it comes to the bestowal of assignments. And I attempted to be courageous by refusing to ask my doctor for a letter for the condition of my wrist. I thought that if I relied on the letter too much, I would do less for this year. What if I had to have surgery in the middle of this semester because I forced the issue? Oh well, I'll try to survive this...

I hereby present to you my 7 resolutions for September-December 2008.

7; my lucky number!

1. Grow to become a more positive person.

After the holidays, I made a lot of self discoveries. Subconsciously and emotionally, I was damaged. All this while I have only been supressing and disguising all the hurt and confusion I had and displayed myself as a person with minimal defects. As a result, when something comes to trigger my pent up emotions, I break and all the overwhelming insecurities and fears explode out of me. I then ask myself, OMG where did I these things come from?! I couldn't even remember they were there, but they were. There were days at home where I just lost it, I felt like my heart was going to stop beating and I couldn't live another 5 minutes more. I never felt so desperate for help ever since I trained myself not to be overwhelmed by emotions for the past 2 years. The thing is, I haven't been handling them correctly. Instead of dealing with them directly, I became negative and believed that there was nothing I can do and threw those problems to the back of my mind, hoping it would disappear with time. They don't. They'll come back when something similiar happens and you would suffer 4-5 times the damage in addition to the most current event. It affects my current relationships. I kept imagining that people are lying to me and plotting things behind my back. It is bizarre. I am growing mad and paranoid. I decided to open up to family and friends, because I couldn't handle it all by myself, something I wouldn't have done in the past. It helps. I'm learning to put more trust in people and believe that not all beings are evil in nature.

2. Learn how to be more sociable.

I have reached 70% of my metamorphosis of transforming into an ice queen within the past 3 years. I was made to realize recently that, a complete transformation is going to kill my life instead of saving it. I was made to believe that when you open your heart to someone, you're bound to get hurt 100%. I believed that there was no such thing as love or true friendships, but a co-dependency for survival. I trusted no one and did not expect anyone else to put their trust nor affections on me. I fully believed that betrayal is the only ending of any relationship and I can only survive living by not taking anyone seriously.

3. Investing more effort in my work in/out of school.

It's not just better results. But results do say a lot in TOA (And money for that case.) I didn't like the way how everyone emphasizes on money, and affects your success in the world but somehow it logically correlates.What I desire is an amazing learning experience. And it will not be achieved if I do not stop being the arrogant anti-social I am. People will not notice you if you purposefully hide yourself in the corner of the room all the time and mumble when being spoken to. It's sad but true so please make the effort.

4. Lose 5 kgs by December. Go to gym. Look modelicious.

I am very curious as to whether my own efforts can land me an opportunity to be a part time model / cover girl of a magazine. This isn't exactly my ultimate dream, but is fueled by my kiasu-ness and 'You've only one life so be the best that you could ever be' mentality. When I entered my early 20s, I was suffering from severe poor self esteem thinking that I'm only worth how I look. I know now that I was wrong. Only since the past year I realized that I should be beautiful for myself, not for the sole purpose of impressing others, but it's because it makes you feel good about taking care and pampering yourself. I do deserve the best and I can give it to myself because I can. I am loved despite being 5 kgs above my target weight, I was loved in the past (by C too!) despite being 12kgs above my target weight (plus I was nerdy and had the worst sense of fashion).

5. Save money for a rainy day.

...and not just because I want to spend it all at once for several extravagant purposes. I realized that at my age, I have not been financially responsible enough. I have been blessed with fulfilling financial support, and for the longest while I have been guilty, afraid that I would be abusive and unappreciative of my situation. I recently learnt that I shouldn't be. Everyone's life is different and I shouldn't take unnecessary responsibilities of other people's conditions. Spending more or less on my own things WILL NOT affect other people nor will it make other lives worth living less. Learn to appreciate and be thankful and live life to the fullest, without regrets.

6. Go to church.

I hath fallen from grace and it takes much more than going back to church to save me. Even so, I believe that a life without something to believe in is empty and meaningless. God has been a permanent stronghold in my life, whether I was near or far from him. Every time something goes awry and out of control, God was, is and is to come the ONLY one I can turn to and rely on. I have to stop believing that I do not deserved to be loved because of my many flaws.

7. Blog! Open thyself to the world again!

I will learn to open myself again and believe strongly this time that no matter what happens and who hurts me next, sharing with people will always be more beneficial than closing my heart to the world.

It is definitely not my life if it is not complicated. I'm a magnet to complexity. That is why I appreciate C's existence in my life very much. He simplifies a lot of things for me; my thoughts, my feelings, my everyday life. However, being with him is also the most complicated thing that has happened to me. He brings out the best and the worst in me at the same time. My determination to improve and heal myself was inspired by him. He said to me very frustratingly that I should only be strong for myself and not for anyone else. I trust that he said that for my own good. Personally, I have never intended to be overly dependent on him. Plus, this time I promised myself, for whatever reason we do not end up together in the end, I will not feel shortchanged and revert back to all my old negative beliefs because he has indeed done plenty of things to outweigh all the downsides of our friendship. It's painful that fate may choose to tear us apart again; the future is so bleak and everyone in the world thinks we're doomed (for all the reasons in the world). For now, I choose to hold on to that almost nonexistent 1% that we'll work out. And even if it doesn't happen, I feel that I have the capacity to love someone else again.

I have a perfect song for the closing of this post.

7 things
by Miley Cyrus