I'm Probably Not Doing This Right.

Am I not doing this right? Every time I manage to get over one type of pain, another type of pain sets in. Am I not supposed to force myself to heal quickly but take things one at a time? I don't know. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of my surgery. I'm afraid of losing. I'm afraid of being unloved. I'm afraid of the lies and the truth. I pray. I settle my insecurities but then the next day I forget all my resolutions and the vicious cycle repeats itself again. Sometimes I get so tired I don't know what to do anymore.

I managed resume my daily activities like normal. I can read and watch stuff and laugh. I get geared up about my bright future. His presence in the house has decreased significantly. I've stopped expecting his calls or texts. I've been adapting a much more positive attitude and I'm talking with a lot of other people. It's a sign of recovery, isn't it? On the exterior, I'm pretty good. Within me, I still feel severely messed up, pained and confused. It's like cancer.

This is what they mean by people always wanting the things they can't have. We can't fix it anymore despite our best intentions. This is something that I am not allowed to have, for my own good. I need to believe it. I deserve better. God has other plans for me. Amen.

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
James Morrison



"You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore"