So Unlike Me

As much as I dislike my dad's horrendous bad habits, I am a duplicate of him.

Throughout my whole life, you could always count on the fact that I was late for kindergarten right up till graduation day. And considering the fact that work is only one song on the radio away, you guessed it.

My dad mentioned during dinner time yesterday, "I used to be late for school everyday even though I stayed next to it." Blame the bad genes that passed on.

6 months working here already...

I was dead on time for work today... As in 8:30 sharp. Everyone in the office who came earlier and later than me looked like they saw a ghost. Even my sister and mum thought speculated either I was traumatized by something or a coconut fell onto my head when I was out in the garden yesterday.

Let's see how long I'll manage to keep up...

Another trait I inherited from my dad that was blooming throughout the years is that I have the constant itch to defy convention. Rules and regulations belong to a parallel universe from mine. I can't stand authority. Fear it the consequences of defying it I do, therefore a passive aggressive personality is formed as a reaction towards it...

Society gives us the basic requirements us to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job, get married to a good prospect and have kids. I've about kinda screwed the first 3 and am feeling unexcited for the next 2. I feel claustrophobic being pressured into fitting the norm therefore I prefer to avoid it, or do the alternative.

Work calls us to suck up our superiors, be treated like dirt and let everyone trample all over you for any reason under the sun (because its normal) and perform your work without mistake (or at least pretend to).

There's always gonna be f*ktards all around you. But they're the one's that make life exciting, only when you're up to taking up the challenge...

This is the last time I'm pulling such a daring stunt (which was dead close to the expense of my firm). Truth be told, I kinda enjoyed the drama but consider myself lucky that I escaped actually falling into the boiling water.

Pa, it was your genes acting. It wasn't throwing someone's bike into the river though. :P

Office & Politics

Abang Michael may you rest in peace. Your music and dancing will always be in my heart.

'Heal the World' was playing on Mix and it reminded me of how my eldest cousin brother became 'popular' by singing that live in school... followed by encores elsewhere (ie. relative's birthday parties). The distance to my workplace is so near that I am only able to listen this one song (that brought back disturbing memories of cousin bro practicing it when we were at our grandparent's house every weekend) and not realize Michael's songs will be played on loop for the whole day.

It felt so surreal when my collegue told me he died this morning. I remembered back in UK, my classmate, Jane would go starry eyed when fantasing going to MJ's concert. It's sad cuz we'll never to be able to do so.

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The ending of this week has been b*tch packed. Some women are really difficult. Even myself, at times I'll admit.

It's the kind of women who are blind and justified towards their own vices but unrealistically demand excellence from other people that is so frustrating. They put you down to boost their own ego.

Look, enough about "Working life is like that." Like I don't know already.

In life, when you treat people badly, there is karma. There is an invisible counter for the things you do to people. Good for good, bad for bad. When you make people dislike you, they will be less likely to perform well for you or even care about you. They might do it out of obligation, but everyone will be waiting to laugh during the day of your downfall. In more extreme cases, they will lash back and destroy you.

Your way isn't the only way of life. And when you reap the results of your actions, "Life is like that. You reap what you sow."

My only remorse is that, my boss didn't want to confront me directly about the accusations in fear of hurting my feelings, but by doing so, he neglected to let me recount my side of the story before passing the death sentence on me. By the time the story passes on to various people it would have evolved to version 5-6 of the story. And it's just saddening to be the last to know about something bad about yourself when it has passed through ears of half of the civilization before that.

Look, I'm not a kid anymore. If something needs to be said and mistakes to correct, tell me. I understand a lot of money is being involved and any slight mistake will cost the firm loss in monetary and clientele. I'd expect to be be scolded as stupid and incompetent in the process but as long as business has gone through, I can let go of a past insult with an peaceful heart and learn not to make the same mistakes again.

He seems to have an imagery of me based solely on other people's opinions. I know he is concerned of my well being therefore he keeps an eye on me by questioning my performance. For example, how would my collegues know how many files I was handling and the amount of work I had to do everyday? He could have asked me directly to make a list of my cases and the work I had to do or else check the records from HR.

I know most of the time I don't stand out in doing things, but it doesn't mean I'm receiving a salary for nothing. How I handle my cases are witnessed by my files. I operate documents on the day I receive them and send them out on the same day or the next and the dates are all documented.

This is just a rant. Obviously, it doesn't change the position I'm in. Impressions have been reversed and my ability to work has been tarnished by one mistake covering the fervent retributions I made after that.

I'm not discouraged by work. In fact, after this week, I make it a call for more improvement and a brush up on office politics survival skills and to discontinue being the softie I am. It's a dog eat dog world out there and I believe it is important to be self centered and protect your own @ss against backstabbers.

My Final Week of June

I have yet to fulfill my resolution of coming in time for work. In fact, it is has been getting worst since mum makes it waking up a living nightmare. How? She screams for me to wake up every morning outside my door and outside my window and I will put more effort into sandwiching my head between my pillows to escape the torture of her voice and in effect soundproof my existing 6 alarms in the process... Don't comment.

Finally, got to eat Kampar's delicious spare rib laksa tonight. I am whole again.

'Beautiful Sun'* Misun and 'Malam tak berbintang'* Me (*pet names we created for each other this week) have been trying to make progress on our ongoing career crisis by floating around the job market. I have been trying to improvise my CV for a career in Design for the past 7 hours (obviously it has been frustrating). A diploma/degree in the relevant field is highly emphasized by every potential employer.

"Even if the dog is an authentic pedigree, it will still be considered a mutt because it does not have a certificate to prove its ancestry." (replays in my mind)

It has been playing in my mind to complete at least my diploma. (And when I graduate, I'm going to make photocopies of it and paste it all over town) XD

Off the record, I am thinking of using the strategy of confusing my prospective employer with my crazy portfolio and sneak in through the 'back door' of the art industry while he is still in a daze. Like, wish me luck.

I talked with Yung today and he let me admire his stunning character designs for Digi class. So I was inspired to stalk the TOA today website to see how my fellow classmen were developing and I found...

This was from my major year illustration class. The choice to put up a painting of a pumpkin and fish is a bit awkward. I can still remember the discomfort analysing the detail of that dead fish. Even so it was always my wish to see my work on display on the college's website and gallery. I achieved both in a year so mebbe I shouldn't beat myself so badly over everything that had happened. The artist has gone but the art remains. :')

A few more weeks and I would have completed my second year of art college.

Hottest Happenings In The Month Of June

The one who is meant to have stolen Larry's heart.
Suki, Misun's mocha poodle. Was in her past life a Chinese acrobatic dancer.

(a.k.a. the one we're hoping to impregnate this coming Sunday so that we could produce baby poodles to play with, and to temporarily fulfill mum's yearning for grandchildren)

Mr. Chan, future GM and member of our Chiko (M) Sdn Bhd subgroup.
Our chiko adventures di Ipoh includes glomping at good looking passer-bys, insulting below average looking ones and eating all day long.


Fancy/Posh dinners with family and friends.


A mysterious lump of tri-colour furball appears in our house to choke everyone when they are sleeping!


Is named Q.Q. Cupcake. Has an attitude.
Likes watching Korean MVs and fancies Max Changmin and U-Know Yunho from DBSK.


Also featured, my maple story begins.


Spotlight of June 09'
Raja Malat will be returning to claim his rightful throne and resume his chiko rule in about a week's time!

Busy Back to Work!

Last weekend was totally all about JB. Getting the tickets stressed the bleep outta my mind because all they had was ridiculous timings and sold out times. Travelling wasn't as terrifying as I imagined, but my trip down was close to it. For any girl, it would have been a hell ride, being assigned at the back of the bus with 3 samseng looking guys, the one next to you who keeps staring at you, inviting casual conversations and has an acrobatic sleeping pattern with his hand flying all over the place. Larkin is mega dodgy. Scarier than Puduraya. I kept my taser next to me at all times. And I'm not afraid to use it. >)

My anak emas's birthday.

Being the best friend (not to be mistaken for the one who got a nose job, poor boyfriend and a bad reputation ;P), it would be a sin not to turn up.

I really put the picture you made for me next to my bed. The bird fell off so I had to look for my glue gun to stick it back.

Insomnia

I was so drowsy in the evening (only Sunday evenings), I fell asleep at 6pm and woke up at 2am. Strictly 8 hours. Tried rolling around to fall back asleep, but guess my fuel tank was at max and I felt hungry (since I skipped dinner). Rather than to have disturbing thoughts invading my head, I went online with hopes to distract myself. I'll be just crapping a lil bit on my blog to tired myself out.

Aish. Nowadays, I feel the familiar sickness I felt in when I was still in Inti. Lost, indecisive, forsaken, paranoid, unsure, lost of self esteem and confidence (and maybe contemplatively suicidal when I couldn't get things figured out). Only this time, it's different because I've been through it before and kinda believe that things will work out eventually like it did. I knew that I had 2 years in between those 2 dark periods that I was genuinely happy. I'm working to find it again.

Recently, it's been like a long while that I fluctuated between banging into walls and hiding myself. Being in fear is crippling. In a way, I recognize my instilled paranoia. These days, I walk out of my house wearing an invisible blanket, sometimes I just refuse to go out. I refuse to come out of Ipoh, it's paralysingly frightening. I have yet to understand my current fear, but it is familiar. I need to remember how I overcame it before.

Lately, the only thing that sustains me and my sanity is my chikopeers. It's like a outlet for me to become who I am (obviously defying conventional human behavior), not get judged for not living up to 'standard' (whatever that is) and I'm actually making people happy. Like sometimes, I feel (A WHOLE LOT) that I have to do certain things in order to feel worthy of approval and acceptance. Like acting proper, adapting common views, fulfilling social obligations... It honestly bores me to death, but yes, maybe I was abandoned here accidentally by my spaceship.

Emo quote: I feel like I don't belong!!

I mean, I honestly want to be liked/loved. It just feels utterly meaningless if I had to fake my way to get it. Eg. getting a Law Degree so that everyone would feel proud of me, acting really girly/feminine/proper so that guys would dig me, acting that I'm happy with myself and my life because they think I shouldn't be unhappy with all the things I have.

Mebbe it's reality catching up. Studies are totally over, I'm getting overexposed to the real world. I have NEW obligations to live up to other than just scoring As. Apparently, they are a whole hell harder than just scoring As. Stuff that include; getting a decent job, making loads of money, buying a house, getting married, having kids, and life begins once again...

I'm just tired, leave me alone. I want to live in peace. Better still, living a free, bohemian chiko lifestyle till I die.

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Good luck Malat and Ling for upcoming exams.

Raja Malat

In Malaysian timing...

Come back real soon. (T3T) We continue our chiko-chiko adventures and celebrate our chiko birthdays.

Revived

During my time of weakness, I long for the days that someone would call out of concern to see whether I'm still alive, shout at me when discovering I haven't eaten the whole day, offer (more like force) food delivery service to my house and watch me eat till the last drop of food.

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I failed the first day of punching my card despite my best intentions the night before.

Oh, I feel as if I my bones turned into lead. Couldn't get out of bed. It's like my whole body were asleep. Thank God for the potent coffee at work. I came home during noon to sleep, skipped lunch because there was nothing to eat, back at work, home, continued sleeping, skipped dinner because I really couldn't move, finally woke up because Ryan called, online, wanton mee, ham bun...

Lesleh and classmates came over Ipoh yesterday for research to create a corporate identity for Ipoh. The following happened; dimsum, exploring Old Town, railway station, missionary schools, 100 yen shop, Greentown, the temple caves, pomelo and Ipoh leng lui sighting, playing with my dogs, chilling at my house, nyonya dinner, yum cha at Kinta river front.

I felt belonging because everyone had a DSLR. I'm so hyped about getting my 50mm.

Got the chance to 'kau chim' at the temple for fun. You know, shaking a bunch of sticks in a can like we always watch in TVB costume dramas. Was so noob, like asking how much do I need to pay, where's the can, do I need to kneel down to shake the can, who can explain the 'chim'? Lols. I only got it half deciphered because the rest of it was too complicated. My 'chim' was - It's raining now, but the sun will be out once the rain ends. Money is yet to come. Regarding love, do not force the issue, all will come naturally.

Aih, will just listen to advise with an open heart from now onwards. My heart is burdened and tired as it is. My brain has no more power to argue. Right now, I just want to live without conflict and put certain things behind me, because it's easier. The road towards an 'easy' life is hard too. So many compromises and adaptions to make, beliefs to be altered, you need to constantly be mentally and emotionally convinced of what you're doing. If this is what's best, why is my heart and soul so unsettled and not at peace?

Been spending the past half a year reading self improvement books on every aspect of life, only to realize there is no specific answer. You can be 'wrong' in doing the 'right' thing and be 'right' in doing the 'wrong' thing. It all depends on your core values what perspective to see things.

I did some soul searching and realize that if without any restriction or objection from anybody, I just want to live my life peacefully and happily using my gifts for the well-being of everyone around me. I'm sick of the rat race and the constant need to live up to expectations. It never ends. First, I'm promise it'll stop after getting my Law Degree, but look at now, I'm expected to take up the Bar, chamber, work in a Law firm, practice, go to court and to open my own law firm...

As of today, I'm just a humble conveyancing clerk, not intending to practice, learning my way to handling REIT investments and bank/business financing in order to earn my own life in my own way. I ultimately want to have business running on the side and spend most of my time being a homemaker and freelance artist. I honestly just want to live in peace, without everyone making a big deal about living up to my family standards. Maybe I won't be as filthy rich, but I'm determined to give my kids no less the life and education than what I received myself.