The Parable of the Carrot

For the past 10 years, a horse had been led to perform all sorts of tricks and labour with a promising carrot.  It eventually grew sick and tired of pursuing the damn carrot dangling 2 feet in front of it, but eternally never within its reach. It decided to knock the farmer who has been riding on its back and screw the carrot. The horse had been made a sucker, a slave who would bend its back just to have a bite of that stupid carrot.

So one day, it decided to plant its own carrots for its own consumtion. But the farmer, being angry and jealous of the horse's independence and success laughed at the horse's efforts in attempt to humiliate its efforts. He said that his efforts were futile and useless. How could a horse, who had been relying on the food the farmer provided for it suddenly grow carrots?! Impossible.

Eventually, after a few weeks of planting and watering the carrots they grew and was ready for harvesting. However the farmer was displeased and tried to humiliate the horse again, saying that the crops were nothing to be proud about and that his produce was much better because he had better machinery and a bigger plot of land.

However, the horse continued his efforts to grow carrots; sell them and buy new seeds and made profit and eventually his effort paid off and it was able to own its own farm. The farmer continued complaining, nagging, demoralizing and insulting the horse with negativity and lived a very unhappy and unfulfilled life, being judgemental of others while his crops suffered.

The moral of the story; is to have the courage to break free from people who only have negativity to offer and try to make you their slave forever by breaking your spirit, dreams and ambition because it helps them feel better about themselves when they put you down. When you were young and weak, they could still use the 'carrot' to control you, because you had no skills nor ability to farm for yourself. Once you manage to achieve these skills, they become envious and threatened by you and try to bring you down to their level.

To lead a happy and fulfilling life; treat their constant nagging as water flowing out the drain into the recycling system of Indah Water. Never loose sight of your dreams because, yes they are worth fighting for. They are the reason and purpose you were born onto earth and if would be the greatest crime if you go against nature. Your dreams are who you are and what you're here for. You are fighting for 'yourself'.

Before I Crash

Recent nights, I have been led to believe that it was raining outside, until the moment I walk out into the living room and the sound of rain disappears. Ever since the completion of the fountain at my backyard, I have been having wonderful nights of sleep listening to the peaceful and calm sound of water.

I've been working for 2/3rds of a year now.

Sometimes, I tend to I shut myself out just to be able to put up with another day at work. I make believe that I'm doing something worthwhile in fact, it's just a smoke veil to protect myself from unnecessary 'mental' and 'logic' attacks. I'm living in a comfort zone by not rocking the boat, not defying convention and pleasing people who have such stoic and mundane mentality.

I don't like answering difficult questions. I don't like to be made to feel that I am not good enough based on other people's standards. I am human, not a doll. I have my own personality, needs and shortcomings. I don't like to be made to feel that I am only worth my background, wealth, social standing and education. I don't like it when I'm put aside because I couldn't fulfill some social requirement.

But thoughts like these are best kept to yourself. The society is a ferocious one..

Just after midnight...

I would wonder how far I can achieve during digital painting class.

I never managed to try mixed media, which looks so fun.

I wonder what other hidden abilities will TOA unlock in me.

What other like-minded people I will meet.

Speculate whether my work can make it to public display.

Continuously annoy my lecturers and classmates with my strange quirks.

I would still detest Typography class and continue to suck at it and maybe get a mediocre grade just to get it over with.

I still think about graduating. Being proud of myself for being a certified artist. Because it's the achievement of my choice. Probably paste copies of my diploma along the main roads of Ipoh out of happiness.

I can only dream...

Quarter Life Crisis

I speak for everyone of my age. You are not alone.

The first judgment day in our lives is the day our results are released in Uni. It determines whether we're a degree graduate or a failure in our 14-16 years of studying. This applies only for people around my age, as it is a matter of life and death whether we exit gloriously/so-so/scrape through into society.

It's no big deal really. Getting first class will only make you a first class employee highly coveted by big companies but also the first one to get sacked during a recession since you receive the most unreasonable amount of salary. We have school dropouts making a decent living because they challenge their circumstances to find footing in the world. Nowadays, news of 12 year old children jumping off buildings because they got a 8As 1B instead of straight As is common. Thank God, I'm from the slightly earlier generation.

The second judgment day is TODAY. A year or two after being a fresh grad. When you're in your prime when you will be now judged by your capability of moving up the hierarchy of society in various categories. Your uni days will be like child's play as compared to this second coming of who is worthy to be accepted by society.

Category 1: Your Looks

Your exterior is the first layer people judge. People change at 18, for beautiful or ugly. Luck really shines on people who are physically privileged. It's easier to get discounts, favours, credibility, trust and love when you manage to look attractive. Being beautiful can get you far in life in all aspects. Your parents will love you more because of the attention, admiration and respect you receive. Yes, being beautiful is an advantage of godlike prospects. Even if you failed school, you might still be able to con a rich fart into marrying you. And when time catches up with you, you can always choose to boot, with the money of course, to survive your remaining days. At worse, you can still get pervy men to stuff money into your pockets.

But looks will fade with age, so of course we look to more practical aspects...

Category 2: Your Job

By the age of 25, considering you have successfully graduated at 22-24 with whatever result, the minimum requirement is that you should have made one step up the workplace and a few extra hundred/thousand has been added to your monthly payslip. Hopefully, by this time you would be a executive or a full fledged qualified enough to make eyes open wider by 2.3mms when you tell them about "Hi, I'm Doctor MSc. (Hons) ."

It's just an extra few words to make people tongue tied and intimidated at the length of it. Like look, you can call me Emo Moodswing Drama Queen WK. Respect Mah Authoritah!!!

Category 3: Your Salary

Ah, the measuring stick of life. Even if you're cleaning drains and eventually build up a multinational cleaning drain company and make 6 digit profits a year. You'll make it up for not being a professional.

Sadly, the burden of career advancement and higher pay is felt painfully by graduates. Your parents, having invested 20 years in building you up as an asset, expect the fruits of their labour. Yes, you've heard it right. 'THEIR' labour. So imagine that they have spent RM60k on your uni fees, accommodation and upkeep, they would expect say 10-20% interest per annum depending on how reasonable they are. You are an investment.

It's easy for those who have gotten past PMR and SPM since school is subsidised partially by the government. Plus when your parents start to nag about how little your salary is, you can blame them back for being poor and not being able to send you to college in order to get a better qualification. Stress reduced to half. Mathemathically, your debt to them is significantly reduced and a lifelong liability to pay them back is off your ass. Since they never provided you with a banglow and a big, shiny car, you don't owe them the banglow and the big, shiny car. Logic. But of course, if you manage to make it in life with just your SPM and feel generous, God bless those who are filial for they will live long.

Category 4: Your Bling

Since you're a few hundred richer by now, you should be able to at least afford credit cards, high end phones/laptops/Ipod/GPS, designer bags, posh holidays, a car and for the extra rich, your own pod. And if you manage to buy extra sets of these for your father, mother, sister, brother grandparents, aunt or say your neighbour's cat, you have indeed reached greatness. We need medals for achievements, because no one is going to be able to acknowledge that you're at the peak of your life unless they manage to spy into your bank account.

Category 5: The Person You Manage to Catch/Marry

Long since the days of wtfbbq history, who you marry is more important than what career you enter. Why? Because why work, if you could just leech of someone else's status and fortune by marrying that fellow? It's like hitting the million dollar jackpot with a dollar. Other than ensuring a well provided life for yourself and the rest of the family, the list of benefits include networking with the higher ups, instill respect and fear, live like royalty, have the son you never had through your son-in-law and make him provide you everything that you want in the ideal son that you weren't capable of giving birth to because of your ancestors' bad genes.

Finally, your failure of a daughter has done one good deed. She can forgiven for all her transgressions in life by marrying the right person. Definition of 'right' is the person your daughter couldn't be and failed to provide therefore it is her duty to find a husband to make up for her weakness, failing so, maybe it would have been a better idea to invest in a chicken rice stall.

Category 6: Your Kids

Whatever requirement they had of you, the curse will be on your entire generation. It is never enough to be born physically complete; with 2 eyes to see, a nose to smell, a mouth that smiles, and all your limbs intact and your organs functioning.

Third judgement day is when we die. We reflect on what we have done, or have not done, or should have done and start making amends with God. And we get judged all over again.

Blaming The World

It's not even that time of the month yet where you can blame your hormones for acting against you and its the cause of your bad attitude and devastating moodswings.

These are the days when I believe that even when I am careful of not stepping on other people's feet, I am still actively offending people some way or another.

I'm probably old enough to cease complaining about parents. But anyhow... Sometimes, I think that my parents have a superiority complex. When they see you being docile and submissive, they start to stir up waters and get you agitated to that they can kick you back in your place again. It's like they freak out when they don't see the normal red button available for pushing and they start looking for another one.

I've only started working for half a year (and in a position of a minion) and what makes them think that I'm stable in what I'm doing? We don't even talk more than 30 minutes a month since everyone is busy with whatever they're doing. Everything now revolves around my grandmother, my brother and the pets. The only time that my mum talks to me is when she's looking for my brother or Larry or Twinkie, even when I'm lying sick in bed. Sometimes, I don't even realize that I'm someone's daughter.

I definitely know how hard it is to make money. It's hard not because it's unavailable but because of all the sacrifices I need to make just to be able to save some.

I really can't stand the condescending tone of "Use your one month salary."

Maybe it's just me being hypersensitive, but it feels as if the underlying meaning of the whole thing is that, "You're a big shot now since you have a job and a salary, pay your own bills since you're so capable. You probably don't need us anymore." Like they're trying to highlight to me how helpless I would be without them.

It's like rubbing salt into injury. I wonder how many people actually realize that I am swallowing all my pride to work in a field that I known for detesting in order to fight for a more fulfilling life.

And since I have the f*king right on how to use my salary, then I just decided not to pay. The worst is that I have to give up using it. It is just totally out of my means. I don't understand why my parents would want to place such a burden on me, very knowingly that it would cost 1/12 of my yearly pay.

I decided to buy my DSLR and my Ipod. I bought it with my own money, saved up for months. They're broken now and I expect myself to pay for the repairs when I'm capable of doing so. This is my personal investment and my responsibility to take care of them. It never even occurred to me to ask for financial help. I pay for my own Japanese classes because I want to study it without breaking budget.

Does it not occur to them that eventually, one day, I'll get married, buy my own house, have kids and want to be able to support them in food and education? And I've already started late because of their selfish demands of forcing me stay back for Form 6 (the 2 most irrelevant years of my life) and blackmailing and threatening me into studying a f*king subject I hated. I was fed with disgusting promises of a BETTER life after completing my degree, which NEVER came.

I kept my side of the promise. But f*k has changed to the better.

I do not feel any richer, nor comfortable in my life. I have to slog off everyday and fight for the crumbs of extra commission. I live on overnight food. I don't even go out, and I don't even dream of going for holidays. And right now, I have to give up my car.

Despite this, it's probably a good thing. Since they're no longer buying me, it means I have more freedom in doing whatever I want.

Frustrations Of Tomorrow

Money

Everything needs money. Basically food, education, clothes, petrol, miscellaneous maintenance fees, entertainment to keep your sanity from worrying about paying for all these and even the water you use to flush away your poop needs to be billed (unless you're a regular patron of public amenities ie. the drain). We have not included income tax, interest to the bank when you take a loan for your house/car because obviously you don't have much in cash, your once in a lifetime wedding which has to be as great as possible, diapers and milk for your kids (RM50 for a pack), their education, medical bills, whims and the unpredictable.

Money becomes a problem if we expect it to be the solution to everything. It becomes a fear that the lack of it will render us helpless and desperate. Therefore, the cycle of making money lasts till the day we die. Hopefully, by that time we do not realize that we have spent our lives enslaving ourselves to something static for the sake of survival.

Money is like God on earth. You have problems, you seek it, you pray for/to it to help you, it drives you nuts when it's unavailable, more problems arise and you become emotionally dependent on it. This makes me realize that I'm wavering in my belief and religion that God will provide for many things.

When I'm sick or get into an accident, I don't pray for healing. I dig out my wallet to pay a doctor for treatment.

When I need money for whatsoever reason, I enslave my services to my boss just for the security and guarantee of seeing a paycheck come my way every month.

When you're girlfriend/wife is upset, all the consoling in the world is ineffective as compared to the appearance of diamonds or an iphone. Money makes or breaks a relationship. Girls wanna marry rich and have a good life while guys want to feel that they can make providence for their families which boosts their overall self esteem and confidence.

Maybe I got in trouble with the authorities? Just having cash in my pocket works wonders.

Honoring my parents is one of the 10 great commandments of life. To make them happy and proud of me, the greatest gift is to be a outstanding human being reflecting their upbringing of you; and that is inevitably measured by your capabilities in society; your networth and the digits of your paycheck. Because, it determines where you stand in society. The level of respect, the number of opportunities you'll get relies on the 'bullets' packed up your arsenal.

(IMO, I want my kids to grow up being kind, respectful and dignified. But I can't bear to see them starving on the streets or have no education.)

Realistically, money IS the solution to everything. I can't seem to think of anything that operates on its own in this money centered world.

Everyone must have believe that at some point of life, it is (probably) possible to be happy even without a tonne of money.

Yes, it is possible.

Give up the rat race and retire in a monastery/nunnery. Don't marry or have kids. Taking care of only yourself cuts out the burden of taking care of another 2 people at least (husband and 1 child). Do good through charity and charity will give back to you. You're heart is at peace because you're doing something for the less fortunate than you and you just stop coveting luxuries which becomes an obsession that has to be constantly fed. You'll learn to appreciate the little things in life by having less. Since you don't have money, you can sift out who are your real friends (since there's nothing to be envious of or leech off you anyways). People will respect you from the point of your core values, the charity you do becomes the focus of your character and not your paycheck.

Food for thought.

Ramblings For The Month of August

It seems like all I could do everyday of the year is to wait for a better day to come...

2 weeks+ since our chiko guild went on official hiatus again. It feels like more than a month. 4 months to go till December. Among the things I want to do then is to go backpacking across the country, squish into a tiny hotel room, ride elephants and dolphins, shop for bohemian styled clothing, swim in the sea, paraglide, karaoke on loop and eat like there's gonna be a famine coming soon.

Nameless is still dead. It's been more than 3 weeks. This is not normal. No explanation. Nameless is the oldest RO server; I could only speculate that they're doing some super major upgrade for the 3rd job change. I'm waiting for the miraculous resurrection Tsukina, Skye, Beatrixx and the rest.

I can't help but to admit that this week is jammed packed with complaints. So many events that I was so dissatisfied with that I think if I complained anymore, upstairs would strike me with bird poop one day for being ungrateful. I've been complaining about everything under the sky; work, money, studies, my life, my future, money again, my family, my car, my house, my health, my pomelo ass etc. I've definitely got better coverage than my insurance policy.

I think I'm the only one who remembers the month of August is a matter of life and death. My heart is getting dull. I cease to collect strength, motivation, purpose or reason to fight on. I'm scared of gambling my life away because the stakes are strictly 50-50. I might win; I'll be the happiest person alive, I don't mind dying 1000 times. I might also loose; then life would just loose meaning and I'd rather be dead than be given the 1000 chances to live.

I want something. Badly. Badly enough that my existence revolves around it. I watch some people pursue things which other people would think are stupid or foolish or even wrong. But they do it anyway, it's a bit screwed up, but that's what allows them to wake up every morning and thank God they're alive.

I'm dragging my time. I'm putting off making decisions. I surround myself with options only to feed my insecurity of what if I made a wrong choice. Unless someone drops the axe on me, I don't think I will move from where I am.

Recently, I wonder among the conflict of interest between making your own decisions and asking God to guide you in making decisions. Maybe God has his reasons for certain events to take place, sometimes I would like to believe that he let me into this world to grow on my own, but he watches me if I fall.

Most of the time, I'd want to believe that God has heard my prayers and has someone worthwhile waiting for me at the end of the road. Maybe I'm too screwed up to deserve such a person.

I thought our first meeting was one in a thousand. I thought our second meeting again was one in a million. And I thought the mutual feelings for each other after all these time was, strange, unbelievable and special.

Break.

Why do I feel that I can not run away from you even if the world comes in between us? Why do I grow dull at the thought of your absolute absence and shine only in your presence? I can't help it. Even if my mind, body and soul tears apart from you, my heart starts to die. Everyday I tell myself it's for the best, why is it so wrong and unnatural? Why do I keep denying my love for you... It's not as simple as, my pet died, get a new one. It's unnatural, you're probably irreplaceable.

I might just need more time.

The Scary Grin That Started It All

Jo, I finally found a vid that can depict the first impression you made on me.

My Red Bean Romance Turns 1

...and I turn 2X.

Hohohohoho.

Firstly, thank you to family members, chikopeers, bbffs, bffs, college/uni/high school peeps for all the birthday wishes, pressies, cakes, blog posts, texts, surprises, plentiful food and making my day a special one. >3<

I woke up this morning and the first thing I stood in front of the toilet bowl and thought to myself that from today onwards, whatever sh*t in my life (past regrets, sadness, anger etc. of 2008) shall hereby be flushed away with my xxx. *flushes toilet* Today is the moment for me to let go of certain things and start my life anew. What a meaningful personal moment. LOLz.

Korean BBQ & Steamboat

Tomorrow evening, 7 p.m. @ Riche Montana Korean BBQ & Steamboat (Ipoh Garden East).

Duck is invited. I sent you text.