Totally off topic from the previous post...
Lemme clarify once again. I never wanted to study Law as opposed to what everyone believes. However, as the eldest offspring of the family, I have the duty to uphold the family honour and embrace the responsibilities of being an heir to my family legacy. Whether I like it or not, I am born into this family and this is my God giventh destiny (I wonder?).
Law has indeed been my Achilles heel for the past few years. I used to crumble into an emotional wreck at the mere mention of it. Why? Because I always knew in my heart that I will indefinitely betray everyone's expectations and run away to become a poor artist and gain the disdain and disappointment of people around me. I would feel ashamed and disgraceful if I failed because I know where my true capabilities lie. I was never Lawyer material to begin with. The fights I had with family made it seem that the degree was more important than their daughter's true happiness. But then I kinda realized along the road that to Chinese people, caring about your future maintenance = love = care about your happiness. What to do...
I just watched this Korean drama. The bride walked out on the groom during their wedding day when the groom admitted that he couldn't pass the Bar exam. She told him, "My father brought a pedigree dog that cost $1000 but when he wanted to sell it, the pet shop wouldn't offer more than $30. Why? Because the dog didn't have a certificate to prove its ancestry. So even though the dog is a real pedigree but it doesn't have a cert, it is worthless as a mutt."
To the Chinese, money, fame and status is the strictly ultimate pinnacle of life. Maybe I've been heavily influenced by western culture to 'live your dreams!', 'be true to thyself!', 'fight for your passion and true love!' etc. I was anguish in my heart about everyone being wrong because they are forcing me to become the ideal, dream daughter everyone wants; beautiful, successful, rich and intelligent. I came to realize that whatever you do, there's always the other cousin who is smarter or prettier. It's a neverending battle.
I can hear it in my dreams; people chanting how great a future I will have by studying Law (even as a female). I am convinced of the glamour and respect I can get when people address me as Lawyer or 'Lu Xi'. I don't deny the material benefits I can gain. Your arguments are impenetrable.
Perhaps the most guilt-inducing statement I've ever heard in my whole life was, you are lucky to be born into a good family; good parents who can give you the best of the world, money, food comfortable shelter, pretty dresses, bring you on vacations overseas and afford expensive education to guarantee you an easy life. And here you are ungratefully and selfishly complaining, not appreciating the things you have whereas the majority population of the world is suffering from the lack of thereof. In most cases, they will not be able to achieve it in their lifetime nor provide it to their children.
I felt like a spoilt princess who is oblivious to the sufferings of the world. When am asked to lift a finger to do something important, I throw tantrums because I don't like it. I didn't have to work part time during my education days because I was well provided for. I could screw up my papers if I wanted to because I'd have the funds to resit as many times I wanted. (Okay, realistically, I'm not that evil but you get the picture.)
I rest my case of a 5-year struggle against the logic of doing what I want and not what everyone else want today.
Nowadays, Law and I get along pretty well (on good days). Which is probably a good thing. I'm surprised to hear myself say that. The other day, I told my sister that my grandfather (who passed away last October) must be smiling in heaven because I'm working in a Law firm and my sister is now being tutored in an Accounting firm (both are reputable ones in Ipoh). My parents on the other hand are smiling in their hearts and probably drip saliva when we're not looking. Relatives are mostly impressed to see a young professional emerging in their circles. Friends here and there are either happy or envious (which is also an indirect compliment). What more can I ask?
Despite whatever were my initial intentions, I made my bed (by accepting my fate), so I will have to sleep on it. In the back of my mind, I hear the echoes of second guessing myself. Am I contented to be steamrolled by fate? Only time will tell.
On a side note, if this perception is required for my education and career choice, then am I expected to go through the same process again when choosing a husband? The answer is a resounding yes. The candidate has to go through screening by everyone else whether he makes the mark as a good provider. Once again, what I think and feel will be totally put aside. But then again, the majority always have a point, don't they?
Lemme clarify once again. I never wanted to study Law as opposed to what everyone believes. However, as the eldest offspring of the family, I have the duty to uphold the family honour and embrace the responsibilities of being an heir to my family legacy. Whether I like it or not, I am born into this family and this is my God giventh destiny (I wonder?).
Law has indeed been my Achilles heel for the past few years. I used to crumble into an emotional wreck at the mere mention of it. Why? Because I always knew in my heart that I will indefinitely betray everyone's expectations and run away to become a poor artist and gain the disdain and disappointment of people around me. I would feel ashamed and disgraceful if I failed because I know where my true capabilities lie. I was never Lawyer material to begin with. The fights I had with family made it seem that the degree was more important than their daughter's true happiness. But then I kinda realized along the road that to Chinese people, caring about your future maintenance = love = care about your happiness. What to do...
I just watched this Korean drama. The bride walked out on the groom during their wedding day when the groom admitted that he couldn't pass the Bar exam. She told him, "My father brought a pedigree dog that cost $1000 but when he wanted to sell it, the pet shop wouldn't offer more than $30. Why? Because the dog didn't have a certificate to prove its ancestry. So even though the dog is a real pedigree but it doesn't have a cert, it is worthless as a mutt."
To the Chinese, money, fame and status is the strictly ultimate pinnacle of life. Maybe I've been heavily influenced by western culture to 'live your dreams!', 'be true to thyself!', 'fight for your passion and true love!' etc. I was anguish in my heart about everyone being wrong because they are forcing me to become the ideal, dream daughter everyone wants; beautiful, successful, rich and intelligent. I came to realize that whatever you do, there's always the other cousin who is smarter or prettier. It's a neverending battle.
I can hear it in my dreams; people chanting how great a future I will have by studying Law (even as a female). I am convinced of the glamour and respect I can get when people address me as Lawyer or 'Lu Xi'. I don't deny the material benefits I can gain. Your arguments are impenetrable.
Perhaps the most guilt-inducing statement I've ever heard in my whole life was, you are lucky to be born into a good family; good parents who can give you the best of the world, money, food comfortable shelter, pretty dresses, bring you on vacations overseas and afford expensive education to guarantee you an easy life. And here you are ungratefully and selfishly complaining, not appreciating the things you have whereas the majority population of the world is suffering from the lack of thereof. In most cases, they will not be able to achieve it in their lifetime nor provide it to their children.
I felt like a spoilt princess who is oblivious to the sufferings of the world. When am asked to lift a finger to do something important, I throw tantrums because I don't like it. I didn't have to work part time during my education days because I was well provided for. I could screw up my papers if I wanted to because I'd have the funds to resit as many times I wanted. (Okay, realistically, I'm not that evil but you get the picture.)
I rest my case of a 5-year struggle against the logic of doing what I want and not what everyone else want today.
Nowadays, Law and I get along pretty well (on good days). Which is probably a good thing. I'm surprised to hear myself say that. The other day, I told my sister that my grandfather (who passed away last October) must be smiling in heaven because I'm working in a Law firm and my sister is now being tutored in an Accounting firm (both are reputable ones in Ipoh). My parents on the other hand are smiling in their hearts and probably drip saliva when we're not looking. Relatives are mostly impressed to see a young professional emerging in their circles. Friends here and there are either happy or envious (which is also an indirect compliment). What more can I ask?
Despite whatever were my initial intentions, I made my bed (by accepting my fate), so I will have to sleep on it. In the back of my mind, I hear the echoes of second guessing myself. Am I contented to be steamrolled by fate? Only time will tell.
On a side note, if this perception is required for my education and career choice, then am I expected to go through the same process again when choosing a husband? The answer is a resounding yes. The candidate has to go through screening by everyone else whether he makes the mark as a good provider. Once again, what I think and feel will be totally put aside. But then again, the majority always have a point, don't they?
