The Thing About Men

They can be unexpectedly sweet. And get horrible flustered and embarrassed about it. Which makes me feel troubled and slightly disturbed by it. In the end, I don't talk about it because I'm the strange, rare people who are capable of detaching their negative emotions and pretend nothing happened. Mebbe it isn't a good idea because they would start thinking they did something wrong to offend me, an be oversensitive about me avoiding them.

Oh mona, how? I don't feel like bringing this up with them and talk about how I feel (because I might puke out of stress). I'm such a school girl. LoL.

In the end, I think I was relatively surprised but I don't wanna make a big deal out of it. Tensed.

My BestieFFFF is Awesome Sheez

Things she said to me yesterday that almost made me cry my eyeballs out laughing:-

1. That she'll be graduating in July, so she'll be able to attend my graduation in December (that is if I ever have one).  And then we can take a year to travel around and shop till we puke stars.

2. Apparently, she was going to London next week as well! We could have met up. Sheez.

3. That since I felt afraid about going to study my degree in Art by myself, she suggested we find a common university, or some uni in the same area so that we can stay together and live the life of ridiculous luxury. We would be some kiasu over-educated SHs shamelessly together as she would be studying her PhD and me my second degree.

4. After we graduate, we shall continue living the life of ridiculous luxury of glitz and glam by living the life of the socialite tai-tais.

5. When we become old, we shall console each other about the fact that we lived a life full of glory and didn't settle for less despite the peer pressure being a normal tai tai with a normal husband with normal kids, dog, house, car and hairstyle. Normal isn't being said in a good way here.

6. We would be both filthy rich and have our drivers send our kids to international school and bicker/gossip with other tai tais over tea time because we don't have a 9-5 job and taking afternoon naps is considered unproductive. 

7. Throw themed parties every once in a while because we were discussing a fashion line.

8. We are crazed Vivienne Westwood fans. Our next agenda in London is visit the main one in King Street.

9. We said at the same moment, no wonder you're my best friend.

10. That we're pro-Damansara area and if we happen to work there we shall rent a studio apartment and furnish it designer style. Our first physical shop would be located there too so that we can patron the uptown boutiques and cafes.

11. If our high end life doesn't work out, there's always Ipoh to fall back to. She can work in Tanjung Rambutan hospital (because that's the only psychiatic hospital that needs a psychologist near Ipoh) and I can concentrate on contributing to the artistic development in Ipoh, open a few businesses, organize charity events...etc etc

12. For some epic reason, I get to build a mansion with a swimming pool (since land in Ipoh is cheap like crap). Even kelefers can afford a 300k 3.5 storey house with fountain but I hate the location because it's like buying pirated CD or fake handbag. Same visual quality but we all know it's fakeshit and never going to be 100% like the original. And bestie stays with me and refuses to pay anything else except water and electricity.

Yeah I know, we're epic crazy. That's why we have so much fun together.

Next Few Years of My Life

After I've done my diploma in graphic design, I could do the following:-

a) Study in Birmingham Institute of Art & Design for Bachelor of Arts (Hons) Visual Communication (Illustration) for a year.

b) Mingle and do freelance work in Ipoh. I have ultimately decided NOT to return to KL. Don't wanna work in Singapore despite the perks and blah. Overrated sia. I'm just so annoyed right now I wanna do something to prove to people that working in these two places will only guarantee a bright future as an employee/slave.

c) Consider Vietnam. Because I dig Vietnamese pho, spring rolls, spicy beef soup and meatballs. Besides, Ho Chih Min city has a lot of Korean expatriates working there. Nice! Currency involved is USD. English teachers are always welcomed, respected and better paid. I get school holidays as well.

d) If I'm too fricking lazy to move about, I'm gonna grow roots in Ipoh and become one of the prominent members in society by contributing to the artistic field and tourism. Mebbe try to follow my grandpa's footsteps and obtain a title. Just because I'm sentimental about family traditions.

e) Build a mansion here and live a life of classic luxury and adopt kids from Vietnam/Korea and send them to International school which is near our residence. There are no marriage prospects in Ipoh and I'll just have to accept it at that. By that time, I would have been so preoccupied with having kids; sending them to school, tuition, sports, holidays etc. I wouldn't have time/energy to acknowledge the fact that I might be single, lonely and miserable (as a lot of other people would enjoy to believe). We'll have plenty as pets as usual too.

f) Fall in love and get married? Maybe, but not counting on it absolutely. Why must people have a sick mentality that we have to be dependent on other people to make us happy? Realistically, one must be capable of being happy even by themselves, not ultimately, but if the husband leaves/dies, at least the wife can be strong enough to look after the kids.

I just read an article on the news:-

One side, city women are having high expectations. I honestly think, they're not being unrealistic but that's generally the basic cost of life. Mebbe they should just cut down on their spending and not expect other people to support their bizarre lifestyle. Then there are the stupid girls who think love can solve everything, who are in for a rude shock of their lives and let assholes bully them because they can live without the attention.

Men, having their egos punctured for not being handsome nor rich (and have the mentality that women should just love them for them unconditionally but condition their women to have big boobs and asses) try to buy love with money (which most women oblige because that's the fastest way out of poverty) and also expect them to be virgins and the sort. Like browsing through a catalogue to choose the prettiest and best for value wife. And they are bitter about women who are choosy. How ironic.

I think both sides are nuts and should just reflect themselves in their own pee and consider their own self worth before implementing conditions on other people.

What I Really Want

1. Loose weight until I'm 48kg.
2. Have my own room and working area.
3. Preferably own house; 3 rooms, big kitchen with medium sized landscaped garden with waterfall.
4. A new PC or laptop that can work wonders with graphics.
5. A new sewing machine.
6. A bigger wardrobe or better yet a walk in one.
7. Endless money from investments & don't need to work in whatever office.
8. Go any fking where in the world whenever I want.
9. Shopping in Paris and Milan frequently.
10. Sleep and wake up whenever I want everyday.
11. Play/Party like crazy everyday like Paris Hilton.
12. To see Siwon again.
13. A plasma TV and PS3 and a proper couch.
14. A laser jet printer.
15. A bigger book shelf for my books.
16. A big work table.
17. Slimmer thighs.
18. Smoother face with less red dots.
19. A milk bath every week.
20. Hair treatment every 2 weeks.
21. Mani/Pedi every 3 weeks.
22. Peace and quiet.
23. Avoid annoying people.
24. Fresh desserts whenever I want.
25. To get a PPL and my own private jet.
26. Buy a private villa in Okinawa.
27. 4 bodyguards, because I would be hated if I had all of the above. XD

Accidents

Things that are out of my control. Despite being the control freak I am, things can just seep in from unseen corners taking me by surprise.

Today is one of the days I just ask myself why am I still here? What the F* am I doing? Why am I trying so hard to be happy just to be thrown down a ravine of sadness and depression again? Why do I only experience temporary highs of happiness but deeply inside there is a surge of grief and horror. 

For the many years, positive thinking is an exercise I do everyday. I don't want to think that I'm lying to myself by giving myself hope and consolation by looking from the other side of the box. Ultimately, it doesn't cover completely the other side of the coin. There is the obvious and concrete bad point and I try to revamp it to look like it is a blessing in disguise.

I really can't take the motions anymore. I can't stand being thrown straight down to depression hell after putting all that effort BELIEVING I can be truly happy with practice. It keeps repeating over and over and I'm really sick and tired having hell freezing over.

Enough.

I cannot fake it anymore. I cannot keep up with smiling when people try to bring me down and insult me. I cannot keep pretending that I don't give a crap about what people do to offend me. I cannot just live just to fulfil responsibilities and to take care of other people's feelings while putting my own aside.

I feel so F*ing sick I don't feel like living anymore.

We

1. both hate working in Sg.
2. are workaholics.
3. are probably too practical minded.
4. eat extra spicy food competitively and lose our voice the next day.
5. are overaged children.
6. like to brutally tease each other.
7. are hopelessly kiasu. 
8. kiam siap over cosumer consumption.
9. generous towards people we care for.
10. think too much.
11. keep secrets from each other because we know its gonna hurt if we say it out.
12. can be bloody selfish sometimes.
13. make each other cry for stupid reasons.
14. give up easily.
15. are very sentimental people.

Whose Happiness

It's a crazy month and I really hope I can withstand the high tension right throughout July till August.

Singapore Cosfest tomorrow, exam and assignment week, Steph's grad and after graduation party weekend, dissertation week and I'm the first one presenting (because I'm the one of the two people in batch 101), C2Age, Bon Odori (plus I have to sew our yukatas) and sigh, UK. 

Quite stressed out. I'm the kind who just needs a lot of personal time to recharge. I'll just enjoy everything to the max now and do my best to meet all the deadlines.

Anyway what I've been thinking lately, is about my general happiness level. 50% happy, 50% depressed. Good balance. Was there a time I was 100% happy, why YES. As in just happy and contented minding my own things and not being bothered or worried about anything. That was in primary school, UK and TOA. Between those times, it was hell. 

Today I just made a temporary decision to myself. That the fact exists that, I am capable of being happy. I am also a very sensitive soul. I can't take intense emotional hurt. I have proven to myself that I could stand back up after it but hey, sometimes, you can't keep gambling your existing happiness away. Like, I realized that I'm only trying to date other people because of the crazy pressure around. Annoying questions like when are you going to get married and blah keep coming like no tomorrow. Are people really so benevolent to care about your well being by encouraging you to get married? Mmm, if you intend to be so nice to me then I'd prefer it'd be in the form of cash.

So yeah, I question the intentions of people who keep pressuring you to get married. Are they really thinking for your benefit? Or they just want a chance to see you screw up at it?

Look, if you wanna get married yourself, please, by all means do so. I personally think marriage is a great and sacred thing, and to actually achieve a great marriage is something that is highly honorable and deserves respect. But marriage isn't for everyone, plus marriage doesn't guarantee a happily ever after and a sigh of relief. 

From my perspective, I don't want to simply settle. Like even when we go to the supermarket we pick the largest, prettiest and healthiest fruit in the whole lot. What more a partner who you're gonna share your life with and have kids with? Don't HH yourself and your future kids, just because your afraid that you're afraid to be left on the shelf. Okay so maybe some people are just despo, helpless and looking for a quick fix through marriage. That's fine too. It is human nature to be striving for convenience and comfort. But when I hear stories of women just putting up with their mens' crap, I feel quite disturbed. Their self worth is only determined when a man lets her hang around him. Sigh. 

I'm not here to judge and whatever, but that's just the case. What I'm more concerned is the honour of the choices that people make. Even if other people give their endless opinions, the choice is ours to make and other people should just go find something else beneficial to do. Like when I say ok, at the moment, being in a relationship isn't something I feel like doing at this moment, there is no need of speculating about the reasons why I don't want to. The reason may be: I got hurt before, I have low self confidence in myself, I'm gay, I have a bad attitude that repels men, I'm pretending to be a strong independent woman denying my need for a man. Like whatever. Why do you need to justify my decisions in life? I don't think God sends single men or women to hell just because they refuse to get married.

Honestly, no reason. I don't feel like it. I just like going through the motions of life and let it unfold naturally. Life is too short to worry about everything and it's totally out of control. I just date around, chat up a few guys and enjoy myself without having to envision how my future with every guy would be. Yeah you may be right that if I wait too long, I'll grow old and saggy and no one would want me. Surprise. Big deal. The guy would need to put up with the fact I'd grow old and saggy sooner or later. I don't want to interpret that if I can't get a guy, means I'm not attractive enough. Why would you want to adapt such a negative mentality for yourself? Thinking this way would only make you want to kill yourself faster out of self loathing and hypersensitivity.

My top priority lies in getting married and having a family of course, considering what a traditionalist I am.

My requirements aren't high, just that as long as we get along well and we feel that we're comfortable together, that's good enough. Mental wavelength has to be about equal, he needs to get my jokes and I get his. Like right now, I just need to detect whether I have any feel for that person. Plus feelings need to be reciprocated, not that if you like someone then can already.

But let's say, it wasn't meant to be. For whatever reason.

What am I supposed to do? Throw myself in the river, is it? Cannot also.

I don't want to think that it's utterly unacceptable to be unmarried. I'd like to look on the brighter side of things. They say you need a husband for company. Well, you have friends and family and pets. He's not the only living creature on earth. Plus, let's say you divorce him or he dies early? In the end, friends and family are the only people you can actually fall back to.

Financial support? Can't rely totally on him too. What if he becomes disabled, fired, disinherited or he spends all the money? Rich people can fall from grace too. It's more reliable to have your own secret stash that you have full control over.

Love? Love can make or break a person. 

Sometimes I would think, love is not worth having this permanent wound in your heart when something bad happens. The pain of being separated for whatever reason is just dreadful. Detaching your emotions from a person is worst that just tearing out your capillaries out of your body. It's not as easy to heal too. My personal motto is, being married is ideal and prolly the best option for people in general, but being single is way better that having your heart broken or dating the Mr. Wrong.

Some guy told me that love is about hugging, kissing and holding someone. Going out together for meals and all the funky stuff... 

I'd prolly won't exactly die without it. Actually not often I think about it. It's just like, "Oh yeah, okay." What about all this big hype that people get so jealous over all the time? 

To answer the big Q about when's my turn next? Dunno, see how it goes and be genuinely happy along the way.