Weak

Recently, I feel as if I'm in another long tunnel. 

There are things that inspire me for a brief moment, but I eventually fall into hopelessness again. I grow weary from constantly binging on temporary highs to convince myself that life has some meaning.

I think bout grandma, she's no longer there. I can't even walk into her room since the day she died.

Feeling a great loss and emptiness. I lost a person who cared, supported and pampered me. It's like even though I don't talk much to her, she would still somehow find out what is going on with my life and try to rectify it some way or another. I feel that no one else can make me hang on to life as strongly as she did. I kept putting off giving up because I didn't want to sadden her of all people.

Being strong is fueled by a purpose. I don't seem to have any more.

I feel as if the life I'm living is a beautiful facade. Hollow and thoroughly messed up inside. I feel insecure when I'm told that all that matters about myself is my background and all the support I'm receiving. Most of the time, I can't really tell whether people are being real to me because they appreciate who I am or some other purpose. I'm tired of being judged by my background. I hate it when people say that my achievements were because I was already compensated for and did not need effort or sacrifice. 

These are the moments I wish that I would stop having the need to defend myself, because honestly I don't really care about being higher/better than thou and I don't have the extra energy to flaunt myself around. 

Only lowly people who have no confidence in themselves will try to shoot at people supposedly better off than them and bring them to their level. Why don't you use your time and resources to do something more beneficial to improve your own situation instead? Everyone has problems if you don't know already. 

So tired. 

Wants to just cry myself to sleep and hope I'll feel better the next day.

Pressure

How far can it push you?

Suffocation. There are days I wished I stopped breathing so that I cease feeling that I can only depend on air to survive. My lungs are weak, breathing is tiring.

How long do I plan to be in hiding? How long do I need to live in deprivation and constant fear? 

I feel I won't make it. The milliseconds when I go off the edge thinking that everything is meaningless is enough to break my spirit.

The few things clear to me is that I'm the only one who can save myself. To survive is a tiring chore.

Life Is Made Out Of Many Surprises, So Don't Be Lazy

Today... in the event of this rare, highly critical moment, I realized that my wardrobe is severely outdated. 

This is what happens if I take life for granted and  remain in a comfort zone believing that the few things my life will revolve around will be work, home, class and casual outings. In all 4 occasions, I tend to dress as comfortably as possible so that I will not hyperventilate, asphyxiate or faint from restricted blood circulation in my restrictive, tight clothing. Another reason I don't put much effort in dressing up to work (other than looking presentable and neat) is the logic I'm just doing paper work behind a computer and there is no motivation for me to impress or compete.

There came a moment when I got really bored with the ordinary. I want improvement. I have a need of constantly impressing because it's fun! I am no doubt a Leo; attention charges me whether I admit it or not!

Maybe it's due to the fact that everyone who came back from everywhere else looks great, and it made me miss the good old days of fashion indulgence, before I had to fend for myself and college took over.

Geez, maybe at this point I should be a naked gag-entertainer to make up for my lack of clothes.

Sei lor. Tak boleh mati.

I would say to everyone; Stop wasting your youth by not constantly dressing up. You can't wear that when you're 40.

History Repeating Itself?

It came across my mind that there are certain attitudes I don't like about myself. My guilty pleasure comes from fooling around, never being seriously committed to anything or anyone. Once I've attained something, I would ditch it aside because I have lost interest due to the lack of excitement from the challenge. 

I honestly think I should settle down and be more appreciative of the things I'm given instead of constantly pursuing the temporary highs of 'the chase'.

I kinda figured, if this continued, I'll probably end up with nothing but the memories of my 'achievements'.

Shopping For Chinese New Year Part I

I found some really awesome print shirts I would love to buy. I'm thinking of getting 1-2 pairs of dresses at the moment. No good results at the moment. Shopping for clothes will continue tomorrow.

Today, I met a guy who had the potential to be the next Kim Jae Joong...

He had the same... serious cleavage.

The new Kopitiam in Green Town is so glamourous! I definitely love the new modernity of Ipoh.

Good Bye My (Social) Life

That's right. I got expulsed from FB and I don't even know why...

Right now I'm in Level 100 denial mode, denying all the loss that will cause me severe heartache once acknowledged (ie. lost precious messages, pictures, 3+ years of FB memoralia and most painfully the games I spent 1 year+ leveling up)

Just sent an email to FB hoping to clarify everything up. Glimmer of hope.

Recently, I did have thoughts of wanting to quit FB (but was stopped because I'm too hooked on the games) and today my bestie said she wanted to ditch FB too, not to mention Duck has already led the 'pemberontakan' last month.

FB is FUN, but fun has its pros and cons. Some of the cons overcome the pros by a great deal. FB is temptation. It's not evil but it leads and opens you to evil.

This is like a scenario "I'll break up with you before you break up with me to save my ego." Well done, FB.

Twitter Is The Answer

I apologize for the lack of updates; 2-5 posts a month. I wouldn't claim that I'm too busy to blog. Honestly, I enjoy writing about stuff if not for feeling listless most of the time. This is probably due to the lack of social interactions to maintain my need to communicate at above average level.

I mean seriously, what can I expect in my position?

At home, mum's constantly occupied with grandpa, the lil bro and the household in general (plus the only times when we do get to talk, we go at each others' neck and stop talking for the next few days).

Sis and I have totally opposite sleeping patterns. She's awake when I'm asleep, vice versa. Otherwise she'll be occupied by the internet or going to class on weekends when I'm at home.

Dad's always away from home (like how most dads are on important business). Kinda remind me when I was young. I only get to see him like 30 minutes a week on average.

My buin is the only existing same-aged friend I have here and she works inhumane hours. Meets up about once a month.

Thank God for my cousin who I'm able to, on regular basis, do a lot of nonsense with that not every normal human will accept. But he's leaving to Melb like... damn soon.

The same goes with some of my friends who work in KL but come back every 1-3 months.

Colleagues are well, you know colleagues. I try to not be a total anti-social and go out for lunches with them occasionally.

The total amount of people don't even amount to 2 hands!!

Okay it's not like anyone's fault but my own for being a hermit. 

Anyways, even if I'm not posting up a full post, I'll definitely be spamming a lot of short updates with my Tweets. Had my account for like ages, but only now I'm able to put it in good use! It's a lame excuse, but I'll be trying to open up a bit more whenever possible. Definitely not going to strengthen the idea that I'm an antisocial. ;P

My Health Points Are Depleting Faster Than I Can Sneeze

*Heavy emo post ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

The weather is erratic. It is more often than not hot like hell in the afternoon and sometimes there are crazy thunderstorms in the evening. Both of these contribute to my lethargy.

Recently, I've been spiraling downwards. My appetite is all messed up. Sometimes, I over binge emotionally than out of hunger. Sometimes, I can't stomach the things I eat. I sleep too much, because it's the best way of escape from reality, but when I wake up I feel 10 times worst than before. Every morning for the past 500+ days,  I would agonize over why didn't I die in my sleep... because I really hate waking up to find that my life is the same old crap.

I thought going back to college will somewhat make me happier, somewhat it does. It's like the 10% I look forward to and it's the only thing that gets me going and disarms the reasons for being suicidal. The cup is still 90% empty, despite finally making some progress.

I work like an dazed, emotionless puppet in the office. I can just drown myself in work for the whole 8 hours without talking unless I'm spoken to on urgent matters. Stacie Orricco's 'There's Gotta Be More To Life' came on air one day.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I feel a huge black hole in my life. I myself find it weird claiming so. I have my room, my large number of pets, my less than ordinary garden and its perks, house parties ever so frequently, maids at my disposal, family... Despite that all, I feel hollow and unhappy. Why. Living in this household signifies eternal hopelessness and despair. 

People will give it all to be in my place. Why am I so burdened by the fact that there is a price to pay living such a life? Why do I feel so pained everyday? Why am I being disgusted with indulging in expensive food and luxuries? Why is this the ideal life and why am I being forced to believe so?

Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared of not having a roof above my head, it is unthinkable. I'm scared of enslaving myself to a job I hate just to keep that roof above my head. I'm not even qualified to worry about not being able to eat abalone constantly at this rate. In fact, having enough money to eat McDs is well sufficient and contenting.

I grew up being fed with words that my parents will give me everything as long as I do what I'm told. I stopped believing that long before graduation. Every living moment was a step to be independent of them.

I blogged about this with all honesty this time because I couldn't sleep with a rock in my heart. I have no other way of expressing myself without someone passing judgment. 

It's hard going through days silently. Not daring to complain that you hate your job because some other people are redundant or laid off. Not daring to complain about your family because obviously other people have it worst. I'm loosing faith in the family system. I should have nothing to complain about. My life is great (on the surface) to a lot of people. If I looked through their eyes, I would give it a rating of 9.0 out of 10.0.

Personally, being a human with feelings and individualistic judgment, I feel that my life has gone so wrong in so many ways, that if there was a reset button, I will hit it without hesitation. This game is so doomed, it does not deserve to see the daylight. That's the extent of how ashamed am I of my life. I'm serious when I said I want to reincarnate into a snail, as I feel it has more worthiness in its existence.

Despite being trying to be positive, have fun, do the things I thought I liked, the best I could do is temporary distraction. I can't stand this constant relapse of emotions and realize nothing has changed. I thought I was progressing but when I look closer, I never progressed at all but only built a facade over the starting point. This pisses me off completely. All the time and effort invested at doing something but it only manages to distract me from the main problem temporarily.

Totally feels like crap.