The red bean (Xiang Si) represents the feeling one has when separated from his or her loved one; and when you are desperately missing someone you love.
Cherry L. is a dessert junkie and self-proclaimed psycho genius dreaming of world domination while creatively avoiding scandals. When not engaged in social interactions, she subconsciously slips off into a parallel universe. Easily distracted by pretty boys and strange objects. Her demonic kiasu-ness and notorious procrastination are genetic.
3 more days! September, please end! Okay, so the latest 'kemalangan' to happen is having my Computer Graphics Production Procedures homework disappear. Don't ask me how did it happen or whether I saved it or whatever. I have a habit of saving my work every 30 seconds or after any minor modification. I managed to open the file a couple of times before printing it out. I plugged in my pendrive and my file was mysteriously blank. My back up copy file was blank. Even though God has programmed me into a strong girl who will not break down in tears over these kinda things and I can easily redo the whole thing, but this is certainly annoying and unnecessary.
Ryan mentioned that at certain time of every year, we will reach the peak of our 'malang-ness' (unluckiness). September is my 'bulan malang' (unlucky month). When I think about it, I struggle with many 'somethings' at this point. It's Puasa month and the mosques are more frequent and louder than usual. I have always respected it but then, it sounds so extremely depressing as if it's calling for mourning. I try to cover it with loud music. I'm really fragile right now and there are still tiny loopholes which allows the environment and atmosphere affect my emotions.
One strange (mebbe positive) thing that happened to me recently is that I am no longer affected by thunderstorms. Everyone who knows me well enough knows I get freaked silly and immobilized when there's a thunderstorm. Reality has slapped me harder than the fear of being struck by lightning. You're forced to face your phobias alone now. No one's gonna help distract you and laugh your fears away anymore. Deal with your weakness by yourself. I am an amazing girl. I have incredible inner strength. Adversity will only awaken my hidden potential. LOL.
2 more lightbulbs in our apartment has gone out. It's so high up to change too. We need a bloody ladder. It's just a stupid lightbulb. I can handle it.
Geez. The only thing in proportion is my nose! 70% done.
Here I go distracted again. I should like, really spend all my life drawing. How can I not acknowledge its therapeutic properties. That was the reason why I wanted to marry my job in the first place! LOL. We have a deep connection, we have fun, we share the same interests and get along well (even though we might get fed up if we see each other too much). It makes me happy whenever I'm sad, angry, frustrated, accepts the ugly side of me and brings out the best in me. Best of all, it keeps me company and will never leave me.
I made 2 days worth of spaghetti bolognese for 2. Apparently, my cooking skills are still not to be messed with despite being unactive since my UK days. I've been severely pampered since I got back; everyone else around me cooks really well and all I had to do was just eat. Cis my dream of a bf who cooks superb food has flown out the window. In the end, you'd just have to rely on yourself. Wished I could post more food pictures. The lighting in my apartment is shabby, not to mention another lightbulb just burnt out (thanks to my cheapskate landlord).
Am I not doing this right? Every time I manage to get over one type of pain, another type of pain sets in. Am I not supposed to force myself to heal quickly but take things one at a time? I don't know. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of my surgery. I'm afraid of losing. I'm afraid of being unloved. I'm afraid of the lies and the truth. I pray. I settle my insecurities but then the next day I forget all my resolutions and the vicious cycle repeats itself again. Sometimes I get so tired I don't know what to do anymore.
I managed resume my daily activities like normal. I can read and watch stuff and laugh. I get geared up about my bright future. His presence in the house has decreased significantly. I've stopped expecting his calls or texts. I've been adapting a much more positive attitude and I'm talking with a lot of other people. It's a sign of recovery, isn't it? On the exterior, I'm pretty good. Within me, I still feel severely messed up, pained and confused. It's like cancer.
This is what they mean by people always wanting the things they can't have. We can't fix it anymore despite our best intentions. This is something that I am not allowed to have, for my own good. I need to believe it. I deserve better. God has other plans for me. Amen.
The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore James Morrison
"You pulled me under so I had to give in Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone
Well I can't explain why it's not enough Coz I gave it all to you And if you leave me now Oh just leave me now It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender It's been too long pretending There's no use in trying When the pieces don't fit anymore The pieces don't fit anymore"
Synopsis Different people have different attitudes to love - even those born on the same day in the same year do not necessarily share the same views. YAU CHI-WING (Kevin Cheng) and HUI WAI-YAN (Bosco Wong) were both born on the seventh day of August, but one takes relationships seriously while the other is so money-minded and sees love as a tool to get higher up the social ladder. The tale begins on the seventh of August, when WING and YAN first encounter their own dream girl on the same island. WING works as a lifeguard on the outlying island. He gets to know pet shop assistant LING KA-YAN (Niki Chow) by chance and is soon mesmerized by her endearing personality. YAN who works at a coffee shop meets a romance comic artist called WONG CHI-KWAN (Natalie Tong). Being misled into believing that the girl is from a rich family, YAN decides to chase her. He would never have thought that someone as calculating as himself would end up falling into a love trap. Cast: Kevin Cheng, Niki Chow, Bosco Wong, Natalie Tong, Elaine Yiu, Sam Chan, Suki Tsui, Joel Chan, Charmaine Lee, Selena Li, Kiki Sheung, Ken Wong, Eddie Lee
I finally finished watching the whole 20 episodes last night! It was pretty good and entertaining. Thought the actors were really natural in handling their roles. Other than that I was rather amused that this series was so reflective on what was going on in my life (ie. the main characters personalities were eerily similar, the communication problems that surface, the 'fearful emotional baggage' of the past). Most interestingly is the scene of the male lead's birthday on the 7th of August. My birthday was on the 2nd of August, and that was when everything started too. *LOL*
One of my most remembered scenes was when the main female lead was typing her blog saying that she would want to have a glorious and sweet relationship at least once in her life (even though it might not mean forever) before she turns 35. I thought true, better to have loved like you never did before at least once in your life; for 50 years, 10 years, 3 years, 3 months or even 12 days. The female lead did not make it till they both grew old, but she was indeed happy and had no regrets. (There, I had to spoil it for you!)
How am I? Eee. Orkaylah. I laughed a lot, finally managed to cried a bit. But overall, I'm discovering new things everyday and am healing slowly but surely. I heard him laugh and being himself, even though it wasn't in front of me but I felt much better than any day I felt throughout this one month. Suddenly at that moment, I realized that I wasn't obsessively concerned of my own wants and needs anymore. It is the best for both of us to continue pursuing whatever makes us happy even if it means parting ways. I think I'm slowly gaining strength to move on by myself. I've been severely spoilt. >,<
And the song responsible for releasing my floodgates;
Fall For You Secondhand Serenade
"I always swore to you I'd never fall apart You always thought that I was stronger I may have failed but I have loved you from the start"
I'll be going back Ipoh for surgery for my wrist. I hope that's for the best. I've already lost plenty of things and by the grace of God, I am able to sustain the things that are important to me.
I just finished watching Absolute Boyfriend (Live Action). It's one of the type of stories where the main characterswere never meant to be together from the very start but they fell in love anyways. The ending wasn't entirely saddening to me because the very least, the characters had loved but lost, they can remain happy knowing there was such an important event in their lives once. Yup, it's possible to move on.
I had 2 days break but yet I'm still disinterested in the assignment department. I must apologize to myself but I don't have enough strength to climb up completely. I'm no longer confused and heartbroken, but I still haven't got past the stage of being very dissatisfied and let down especially by someone who I became so close with. I think it's best that I let sleeping dogs lie. Besides, knowing things that would drag me down even lower isn't going to do anything better for me. Let go.
Very honestly, C grew to become a very prominent figure in my everyday life before I realized it. Now that he's gone, I begin to see and feel so many voids. It's like things you used to share, belongs to yourself completely now. It is a shocking and sudden change of lifestyle. I'm glad that from the start he always challenged me to become a stronger and better person. We were always at loggerheads since the very beginning and both hated to lose. I really hate to lose. Therefore, I will never stand before him a loser.
Good God. Help me to let go. I don't even want a chance to be back together again.
Miss You Love by Maria Mena I've run out of complicated theories So now I'm taking back my words and I'm preparing for the breakdown Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you And the bathroom's still a mess Remind me why we decided this was for the best
Because I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you Love..
I know the distance is a factor But I stretch as often as I can My goal's to reach your hands any day now Please don't blame me for trying To fix this one last time I have a hard time as it is
Because I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love
Don't act like you don't know me It's still me I never changed I'll be here when you come back
And I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love..
Don't act like you don't know me It's still me, I haven't changed I'll be here when you come back And I miss you love.
I have no idea how am I going to survive my life (as an artist and a human being) anymore *divine emo-ness*. Medicine is not working. Muscle relaxant is not working. Ice works a little, temporarily. My will power isn't working. God please help me.
My heart is weak too. I believe I can survive this ordeal in time. I don't know when, but I'll definitely heal. The current process is torturous indeed. Thanks to the people who listened. I'm working hard to climb back up to become myself again. X') God please give me strength.
I made it to class without being marked LATE today. (because I arrived 10 minutes later >3<") I will try harder the next few classes. Hopefully by the time that I have graduated from TOA, I would become a responsible and punctual adult. Please give me your utmost support.
As for my results last semester, I must say that I scored higher than I expected for a person who is close to being crippled. Not that I'm challenging my lecturer's discretion of marks, but I felt that I offered the least amount of effort and seriousness for the past 2 months, it's shameful talking about it. Everything was actually rather easy to score, but God knows what I have been doing...
So yay, it's been a year since I started here. From what I can tell, 2nd year will be the pre-nightmare phase and there will be much less or no mercy when it comes to the bestowal of assignments. And I attempted to be courageous by refusing to ask my doctor for a letter for the condition of my wrist. I thought that if I relied on the letter too much, I would do less for this year. What if I had to have surgery in the middle of this semester because I forced the issue? Oh well, I'll try to survive this...
I hereby present to you my 7 resolutions for September-December 2008.
7; my lucky number!
1. Grow to become a more positive person.
After the holidays, I made a lot of self discoveries. Subconsciously and emotionally, I was damaged. All this while I have only been supressing and disguising all the hurt and confusion I had and displayed myself as a person with minimal defects. As a result, when something comes to trigger my pent up emotions, I break and all the overwhelming insecurities and fears explode out of me. I then ask myself, OMG where did I these things come from?! I couldn't even remember they were there, but they were. There were days at home where I just lost it, I felt like my heart was going to stop beating and I couldn't live another 5 minutes more. I never felt so desperate for help ever since I trained myself not to be overwhelmed by emotions for the past 2 years. The thing is, I haven't been handling them correctly. Instead of dealing with them directly, I became negative and believed that there was nothing I can do and threw those problems to the back of my mind, hoping it would disappear with time. They don't. They'll come back when something similiar happens and you would suffer 4-5 times the damage in addition to the most current event. It affects my current relationships. I kept imagining that people are lying to me and plotting things behind my back. It is bizarre. I am growing mad and paranoid. I decided to open up to family and friends, because I couldn't handle it all by myself, something I wouldn't have done in the past. It helps. I'm learning to put more trust in people and believe that not all beings are evil in nature.
2. Learn how to be more sociable.
I have reached 70% of my metamorphosis of transforming into an ice queen within the past 3 years.I was made to realize recently that, a complete transformation is going to kill my life instead of saving it. I was made to believe that when you open your heart to someone, you're bound to get hurt 100%. I believed that there was no such thing as love or true friendships, but a co-dependency for survival. I trusted no one and did not expect anyone else to put their trust nor affections on me. I fully believed that betrayal is the only ending of any relationship and I can only survive living by not taking anyone seriously.
3. Investing more effort in my work in/out of school. It's not just better results. But results do say a lot in TOA (And money for that case.) I didn't like the way how everyone emphasizes on money, and affects your success in the world but somehow it logically correlates.What I desire is an amazing learning experience. And it will not be achieved if I do not stop being the arrogant anti-social I am. People will not notice you if you purposefully hide yourself in the corner of the room all the time and mumble when being spoken to. It's sad but true so please make the effort.
4. Lose 5 kgs by December. Go to gym. Look modelicious. I am very curious as to whether my own efforts can land me an opportunity to be a part time model / cover girl of a magazine. This isn't exactly my ultimate dream, but is fueled by my kiasu-ness and 'You've only one life so be the best that you could ever be' mentality. When I entered my early 20s, I was suffering from severe poor self esteem thinking that I'm only worth how I look. I know now that I was wrong. Only since the past year I realized that I should be beautiful for myself, not for the sole purpose of impressing others, but it's because it makes you feel good about taking care and pampering yourself. I do deserve the best and I can give it to myself because I can. I am loved despite being 5 kgs above my target weight,I was loved in the past (by C too!) despite being 12kgs above my target weight (plus I was nerdy and had the worst sense of fashion).
5. Save money for a rainy day. ...and not just because I want to spend it all at once for several extravagant purposes. I realized that at my age, I have not been financially responsible enough. I have been blessed with fulfilling financial support, and for the longest while I have been guilty, afraid that I would be abusive and unappreciative of my situation. I recently learnt that I shouldn't be. Everyone's life is different and I shouldn't take unnecessary responsibilities of other people's conditions. Spending more or less on my own things WILL NOT affect other people nor will it make other lives worth living less. Learn to appreciate and be thankful and live life to the fullest, without regrets.
6. Go to church. I hath fallen from grace and it takes much more than going back to church to save me. Even so, I believe that a life without something to believe in is empty and meaningless. God has been a permanent stronghold in my life, whether I was near or far from him. Every time something goes awry and out of control, God was, is and is to come the ONLY one I can turn to and rely on. I have to stop believing that I do not deserved to be loved because of my many flaws.
7. Blog! Open thyself to the world again! I will learn to open myself again and believe strongly this time that no matter what happens and who hurts me next, sharing with people will always be more beneficial than closing my heart to the world.
It is definitely not my life if it is not complicated. I'm a magnet to complexity. That is why I appreciate C's existence in my life very much. He simplifies a lot of things for me; my thoughts, my feelings, my everyday life. However, being with him is also the most complicated thing that has happened to me. He brings out the best and the worst in me at the same time. My determination to improve and heal myself was inspired by him. He said to me very frustratingly that I should only be strong for myself and not for anyone else. I trust that he said that for my own good. Personally, I have never intended to be overly dependent on him. Plus, this time I promised myself, for whatever reason we do not end up together in the end, I will not feel shortchanged and revert back to all my old negative beliefs because he has indeed done plenty of things to outweigh all the downsides of our friendship. It's painful that fate may choose to tear us apart again; the future is so bleak and everyone in the world thinks we're doomed (for all the reasons in the world). For now, I choose to hold on to that almost nonexistent 1% that we'll work out. And even if it doesn't happen, I feel that I have the capacity to love someone else again.
I have a perfect song for the closing of this post.
Fireworks. Parades. Crowds. Flags. Sales. Being awakened by dad's shouting of the 'Merdeka!' cry by himself in front of the telly at 12.
I do appreciate everything that has been done for the sake of independence of this country. Honestly. Especially after going through Marion's class. She was probably the coolest lecturer we had last semester. I often secretly hoped to witness the one time that she might fling her slipper at some student for being late/rude/stupid in class... (That could be me; setting the earth shattering record of 1 time absent and 4 times late.*)
*I intend to change this semester. I tried. I kinda succeeded. But it wasn't good enough. Too bad.Keep encouraging me!
Back to what I was saying, Merdeka. Every 31st of the month, Baskin Robbins offers 31% discount on their ice cream. Yes, there is correlation between them.
I seldom remember dates. I believe it was fate that I went to Jusco that day despite the maddening crowd and rain.
Yes boy, I too, am fascinated and indecisive about what I want to eat.
He can name you all flavours available. So can I. (I heard him repeat that 8 times over.)
Ipoh has Big Apple. Surprise! We received a coupon from our previous purchase for 6 free donuts with a purchase of 12 or 3 free ones for 6. In the end, we gave in to our gut feelings that 18 donuts were too big a conquest at the moment and should only be attempted when we have increased in high level party members.
Donuts to accompany DoTA.
Upper right: Ryan's. Bottom left: Mine.
Hence, it shall be marked with the seal of my face.
My craving for chocolate is insatiable.
Chocolate overflow. I stained everything within the radius of a meter.
Of course, we didn't manage to finish all 9 donuts... I left the fate of the remaining 5 to Ryan. God knows how he chose to dispose of them.
Fast forward 7 days later. I returned for my ice cream. (Pralines N' Cream & Chocolate Something) And I realized the strangest thing...
Cherry L.: There're 2 spoons. Are you eating with the big one or small one? Ryan: Big spoon is for you. I'm eating with the small one. Cherry L.: You wanna 'hamhoi' me izit? Ryan: Muahohohoho. *scoops ice cream 5 times the size of his teaspoon* Cherry L.: *thinks to self* You give me large spoon also useless. *scoops ice cream 1/6 the size of the tablespoon* *stares at ice cream and makes a shocking discovery* Eh, I thought I bought 1 pint of ice cream, how come the size so big? Ryan: That's what the guy gave you. I was quite surprised because you mentioned you wanted the smallest one but I thought you changed your mind and wanted bigger. Cherry L.: No-larh. We had donuts and I'm not that crazy. I paid the price for a pint (RM18.50). It's written here on the receipt. They gave me a quart...
I probably won't be updating much unless boredom holds me at gunpoint. Anyways, home is good when all you're interested in is eating, sleeping and... nothing. I've been visiting around, meeting friends, photographing... photographing so much, I don't even know when I can finish posting them up. These are all taken with my K550i because my tendonitis condition is making a slow comeback hence I cannot lift up anything heavier than my handphone.
The sunsets in Ipoh are always somewhat more beautiful than KL. I love the scenes when the rays pierce through the clouds. Another thing I noticed is that the goldeness of the sun is somewhat more cleaner and purer here.
When I have nothing to keep me occupied in the car.
When I relapse into total retardedness in shopping centres and there's no one to stop me.
Something very interesting catches my eye. (Mum had this sudden bad vibe and started to walk away quickly.)
The real thang. *evil snicker*
We're at Secret Recipe. My brother's favourite pose. (He does it in almost all his pictures.)
Free rose syrup in conjunction with the fasting month. I likes pink (unlikes C, who thinks all thinks all things pink are poisonous =.=").
Chocolate and strawberry are seen together in SR. >3<
Dad's beef pie.
My cornish pastry. (It used to be really nice.)
Mum's chicken kebab. I was surprised they used oregano for this because it's just rare.
Mini burgers for the boy.
Can't help but be fascinated by the goodness of fried food.
I likes SR's apple cheese because it's light, not too sweet and it's quality has been consistent, unlike everything else.
"I was destined buy this eyebrow liner!" *Mum gives a disapproving look* I was feeling absolutely discontented with my eyebrows recently and I saw this in Cleo the day before. Empro was having a offer in Jusco by giving free eyebrow shaping service (worth RM10) and the pencil was on promotion price (RM30+ normally RM40+).
BEFORE My otherwise lighter eyebrows that gives me my signature dreamy look. (That's right, I changed into new glasses!)
AFTER The more defined darker eyebrows. I look more awake.
I shall end the day with my cucumber eye gel patches.
***
Song Of The Day You Give Me Something James Morrison
You only stay with me in the morning You only hold me when I sleep I was meant to tread the water But now I've gotten in too deep
For every piece of me that wants you Another piece backs away
You give me something That makes me scared alright This could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a try Please give me something Because someday I might know my heart
You only waited up for hours Just to spend a little time alone with me And I can say I've never bought you flowers I can't work out what they mean
I never thought that I'd love someone That was someone else's dream
You give me something That makes me scared alright This could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a try Please give me something Because someday I might call you from my heart
But it might be a second too late And the words that I could never say Are gonna come out anyway
You give me something That makes me scared alright This could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a try Please give me something
You give me something That makes me scared alright This could be nothing But I'm willing to give it a try Please give me something Because someday I might know my heart
Couple Portrait for Visual Fundamentals.
