The Inner Gamer In Me

OH my chikopek. Playing games is a form of denial and a temporary escape from the world! This is not a good time to get hooked on playing games. I have way too much to do. I put off sewing costumes for two whole days for the reason of trying to unlock every single mini game, puzzle, hidden quests and buy all the items in PvZ. It must stop.

Cleaning my room is a never ending process. It's always so messy and cluttered. I did loads of organizing but somehow, it looks no different than before. WHY do I have so many things...

Anyways, this is my 2009 Xmas Wishlist:-

1) Books on Investing in Real Estate/Stock Market/Forex (in that particular order);
2) Listerine Mouthwash
3) AA Batteries (for various reasons)
4) A5 sized refill paper for my Daily Planner 

(Note: I prefer not to receive stuffed toys, home ornaments, food, accessories, bottles, boxes or anything that would take space in my already out of control cluttered room and my bloated stomach. XD)

Misses Blogging, Misses My D40x

Phoon Photo, Ipoh is a xxxx. I probably would recommend people to buy camera stuff from this shop (because some item prices can be negotiated lower than other places) but DO NOT bring it for repairs.

1. The number 1 reason is for unreasonably slow and inefficient service. 1 whole month to get a QUOTE.  And after endless phone calls everyday since beginning of October. Fotokem replied me within 2 hours and promised 2 weeks repair. It is Month 3 and D40x still is nowhere to be seen. Promised to be delivered to me last week of November for my Hong Kong trip but they failed miserably.

2. He does not tell you that there are RM50 handling fees and minimum RM80 (he imposed RM120 at first, and I reacted horrified) for diagnosing your camera. He only informs you after sending your camera to KL.

3. Technician fees are so much higher without reason. Initial total was RM690, before I managed to negotiate it to RM640. Fotokem quoted RM540 (inclusive of handling charges and misc.) And even if I didn't want to get it fixed, I still have to pay RM120 as ransom for my camera returned to me.

4. He claims that its expensive because his technicians are professional. Yeah right, professional to the point where they had to send it back to KL for the 2nd time because the repairs were FAULTY. I mean, shouldn't the PROFESSIONAL technicians check whether everything was perfect before sending it out again?! And they didn't even have the courtesy to inform me. They asked me to come collect it and I went there (for the 3rd time) just to be let down again.

I Hate Bus Rides

Because I'm claustrophobic and I don't like the feeling of staying in an inescapable position. The only space is your assigned seat. Any longer than 20 minutes is a torture. This explains why I chose my accommodations freakishly near my work/study place. In Inti, Block D was the fourth nearest. In Newcastle, Lovaine was the nearest (plus I lived in the front flat). My apartment in Puchong was 10 minutes away from TOA (by KL standards, its unbelievable to have ANYTHING less than half an hour). Finally, my current firm and college is within walkable distance of 5-8 minutes. Because I have to do it everyday, and I refuse to waste my time on traveling, rinse and repeat. Bus rides to anywhere out of town is a sacrifice. A major one. Therefore Jojo should know how privileged she is that I meld my ass in the bus for 7-9 hours and risk getting molested by dodgy men.

And today I still hate bus rides more than ever. I hate it because I am reminded that there was a time I used to look forward riding the bus.

I'm Flattered

Sega came out with a video game inspired by my image.

Franny Benny!

My Weekend in KL

I'm typing this on the bus home. Trying to rush to make it in time for Hun Yee's birthday dinner! I'm so under schedule, I think I could only reach by 8?! Feels like I'm going to be killed.

The PC Fair was on this weekend. I bought an FM transmitter, a foldable table (the kind that allows you to online on the bed or maybe breakfast in bed) and a 2 GB RAM for my netbook. The up side was that items which were not sold in Ipoh were available and prices of certain things were slashed down signficantly. There was a lot of other things I really wanted to get ie: Audio Technologica headphones which were both stylish and sounded brilliant. Mebbe I'll get it at the next fair.

My thoughts about KL after leaving it for nearly a year:-

Expenditure is like living in Hong Kong or eating at the airport where they hike up prices by 3 times. In just the weekend. I used up an amount of phone credit of what I would normally last 1/2 a month. On food, I used up what would have lasted me 3 months in survival mode. As for shopping, I felt as if having RM200 in your pocket would have severely unqualified to walk into a shopping department.

I think to myself, how do people survive here when everything is so pricey and wages so little? RM2k a month or less is totally dangerous to be living here. What more those foreign workers getting as little as 700? It saddens me to see foreign workers being hired for cheap labour and working in spaces as smaller than my 4x5 bathroom for less than 1k a day especially in a grnad luxurious place like KLCC where other people would be spluging on overpriced luxuries.

As a result, I don't think I would like to go back to work in KL. It gives me a very saddening feeling.

December; The Beginning Of The End

You guys won't guess from where I'm blogging this. :P

In case, everyone's wondering why have I been missing in  action for the past few weeks, it's because the wireless connection in my office died during the period I left for Hong Kong. I getting on about fixing it because it is a huge inconvenience and my sanity is on the verge of breaking.

Anyways, speed update:-

1) Applied for art college and I got exempted for about a semester and I'm allowed to cross-attend classes between the first semester and second. So I may be able to graduate slightly faster than I expected!~ Fees hasn't been calculated out yet and I'm keeping fingers crossed. School starts on the 4th next month.

2) I'm not sure whether I'll still be working in January (coz I will be having about 8 classes per week apparently!), but in my heart, I deeply wish to continue working... To think that my income will stop after resigning is rather troubling.

3) I'm collecting my DSLR today.

4) I'm going to KL tomorrow for the weekend.

5) I'm going to KL again on the 20th Sunday for Comic Fiesta 2009 for a day trip.

11 Things To Be Happy About in November

1. Finally settled my withdrawal from TOA and they sent over my official transcripts without much trouble!

2. Will be applying to PIA this Friday and am looking forward to know what's gonna be in for me next year. (On the side note, life is screwing with me having my SPM and LAN results disappear at this crucial moment)

3. I am expecting my DSLR baby to be back by the end of the week! Very happy to have him back (yes, it's a male).

4. Emergency money has flown in from the sky! Not really from the sky lar, but small payments being received here and there from different people which will lessen my burden.

5. My cosplay plans/sewing projects for the next 2 months! I have my paraphernalia laid out and ready.

6. My hair is fluffy, neat and trimmed off its split ends. Wants to make big dolly curls out of it just for the fun of it. Prolly thinking of dying it later on.

7. Hong Kong for a week this Sunday. Am looking forward to intensive year end shopping after delaying gratification for so long.

8. Can't wait for incoming Xmas festivities. Looking forward that certain people will be back in Ipoh soon.

9. House is going through a major makeover. It's going to look grand for the New Year.

10. Some of the overdue mess/junk in my room has been cleared up.

11. Sun during my rainy days. Taeyang. =) Gives me so many reasons to play the piano again.

Good Morning Ipoh!!!

he first thing I would like to say after waking up to yet another day to my otherwise mundane life is that...

Kim Hyun Joong is getting hotter every waking moment.

The leader of SS501 oozing with coolness.

In BOF, he was prince charming Yoon Jihoo.So romantic.

And now in their latest MV, he got this really bad ass hair cut which makes him look like a vampire prince* combo with his already amazing dance moves.

*Everyone who knows me well enough, knows I have a thing for vampiric guys. XD

*Attacked by mini fangirl spasms*

I am totally aware that my sister posted this MV on her blog,  but because it's so hot I have to post it again.

The second major announcement I need to say is that at Park Jung Min is the smexiest wave dancer in South Korean Entertainment. 1:03 is proof. Like, OMG, wicked chio man. My sis and I find that he has really long and sexy legs while Hyun Joong's chest is more attractive than a woman's. I must say that throughout this whole MV, I wasn't even aware of the female character in it...

Check out PJM's super long, slim legs...

AND the most important announcement for the day, is about Taeyang (from Big Bang). IT'S OFFICIAL. XD

Like WHY?! For the record, I always liked the bishonen/lengzhai type. Muscles and hot abs were never came together with my name in the same sentence. I think CUTE and HOT makes an irresistible combo. Hates wearing low cuts because he feels exposed, but goes topless in his performances.

Taeyang's very boyish. Very powerful on stage. But shy in front of girls. AW.

He looks warm and humble in person.

Sarang hae YoungBae.

Petition for Steph's New Hairstyle on Monday

Pretty right? Steph with soft curls giving her the very natural and fresh look. As both of them have similiar face shape, I think that this hair will suit her.

Everyone please come give your support before my sister comes back from baking class!

I photoshoped this to prove it to her that it looks good. >3<

Picture courtesy of random Steph's FB profile pic and Sunny (SNSD) from the net.

D40x

My dearest DSLR,

You must not realize how much pain your absence has put me through since July. It is now November. And you're still not fixed thanks to a fellow who has the ability to procrastinate at an even higher level than me on your recovery. As much as I wish for your speedy recovery, I am pained by the repair quoted by this evil Nikon technician who thinks I was born yesterday and he's the only existing technician in the world. What a nerve to charge me 150 extra than normal. Even if you return to me coated with gold lining after his God-like repair, I personally don't need much except for what is necessary.

I have my needs (to photograph) and you denied them time and again because of your physical defects. Did you not realized I've missed out photographing the important moments of my life this year ie. my birthday, my sister's birthday, my grandmother's funeral, various dinner parties and outings, building my photography portfolio, my fashion/cosplay shoots, random interesting events I would die to shoot and photoblog about.

I only received my precious 50mm within a month after saving like crazy and am burning with enthusiasm to try it out.

I'm so way being in practicing and I have a tonne of projects in mind. And I'm in a dilemma right now whether to get you fixed or just replace you with a new body but that would deal severe damage to my finances.

After all the emotional trauma and distress you've put me through, I wish to end this endless torment and uncertainty that you will be able to last our already doomed union (even after I get you fixed, who knows when you'll betray me again).

I honestly want to divorce you.

And elope with the Canon 5D Mark II. And ditch Nikon altogether.

...

My dearest DSLR,

I bought you with my hard earned allowance saved up for months by eating crackers every day in college. When I bought you from the Camera Fair in September 2007, you were the biggest commitment in my life. My Olympus Myu was stolen by some creep in Barcelona that summer and I was mad on buying a camera which had godlike shutter speed than normal cameras. More than ever, I bought a Nikon because I truly believed in its capabilities after months of research.

Maybe at the back of my mind, I wanted a DSLR so badly because a close friend of mine had a DSLR (Sony).. In a way, it keeps us connected still even though right now we've gone separate ways and God knows whether we'll be able to meet (and talk like we used to) again.

My D40x, we've gone through -8 degrees in Korea, 30 degrees in Malaysia, rain, sun, beach, snow and anywhere possible. Whenever I'm with you, it's as if we're off to Wonderland because everything else feels oblivious. I wear you like how a soldier would wear his rifle to war.There were the times your presence enhances my presence in society, giving me the honourable role of event photographer. You've brought me many new friends who were interested in both of us and became an important conversation starter especially among my photographer friends.

And then, you're the proof that people admire what I'm doing despite their constant nagging about how I am neglecting my role of becoming a lawyer. Without you, I wouldn't have enough positive factors to convince myself of my own self worth to the people around me. You materialized my talent and emphasized on my abilities. You projected my thoughts through images. You were my artificial right hand to draw when my own right hand died on me.

In short, you have brought with you whatever my existing happiness in order to look to the past and future with smiles. With you, I immortalized memories, even of the people that I have lost and I won't be able to see again. My po. My first love I broke my heart loving. People whom I don't know whether I will see again the rest of my life.

My D40x. My first DSLR. I will make sure you'll get fixed and come back home. And we will continue our journey of creating many more wonders...

Ha Ha

I must be a f*king masochist.

I've honestly told myself before that I'm never keen in putting myself into compromising situations because I don't have what it takes when it eventually f*ks my up mind and emotions.

I suppose since I acted out of uncontrollable curiousity and insecurity, this is exactly the reults I have to put up with for the rest of my life. So much for instant gratification and deliberate ignorance of common sense.

Like look, you've made it thus far, there is no point in looking back and letting out the skeletons in the closet. Leave it alone and don't look back and let it drag you back to the past.

I wished my heart stopped beating. I feel awfully sick.

September Ended, So wake Up.

My brother is doing his homework by himself... So impressed.

Sis has started baking class across the road. Bro and I just finished up the donuts she brought back yesterday.

Backtrack all the things going on during Sept:-

On top of my ongoing depression attacks, Po passed away mid-Sept. I don't think I'm even ready to talk about it in detail yet. Just that, I feel rather indifferent towards it all, but maybe deep into my subconsciousness, it robbed a huge part of motivation and support. Always kinda thought po would be around to see me get married. But alas, even after meeting all the boyfriends of my younger counterparts, I have yet to bring home someone who (I assume) is worthy of her approval. But yeah, her standards are super high x1,000,000... so probably this person does not exist in this world, so impossible I can find.

What was good was that my cousins came back for the funeral. Always good to see family. And everyone took turns treating dinner, which meant we had good food for about 5 days in a row.

Went to the petting zoo twice in Tambun after the cremation and burial 2 days in a row with different people.

Oh work is exhausting my batteries... Must think of more things to amuse myself.

This Is Not An Ordinary Phase

But yet again, there is always a rock bottom to every phase and eventually after you've managed to hit it, all you will be going is back UP.

I realized that sometimes, all the constant support, encouragement and advise from your friends and family only succeeds in justifying your self pity and sometimes make you feel even rotten about yourself.

However, it just takes a small jolt from your enemy to get you to pull yourself together and stop continuing to make yourself look like an idiot and a loser.

Thank God for enemies. He has a purpose for everything.

 

I Prayed To God And There You Were

I sometimes think that, this joke of life has gone too far. Speaking about building you up and letting you fall from the highest position that you'd break.

This has happened just time and again, it doesn't even surprise me any more, but it still hurts like hell when it does. At this moment, I become really confused. Have I done something wrong to deserve this? Are just all the people I manage to meet and think are good people are wolves in sheeps' skin instead? Why do they even exist to harm other people?

Throughout my whole life, I have only seriously prayed for one thing to God. I don't think it has been answered and I'm getting extremely impatient and exasperated at all the walls I've been hitting. 

It's like my entire world is shattered. I don't even have an obsession to distract me. I just lost passion for everything I used to find joy to; anime, comics, cosplaying, video games, reading, holidaying, plays, good food, musicals, art... My spirit is dead. Everything feels meaningless and unfulfilling. I have this black hole in my heart and nothing is able to fill it. 

Honestly, I hope that I would just black out. Anytime. There is nothing in this world that is holding me..

I berasa emo. Terasa nak mega MIA. Don't want to talk to people.

Let's hope this week is a better week.

The Parable of the Carrot

For the past 10 years, a horse had been led to perform all sorts of tricks and labour with a promising carrot.  It eventually grew sick and tired of pursuing the damn carrot dangling 2 feet in front of it, but eternally never within its reach. It decided to knock the farmer who has been riding on its back and screw the carrot. The horse had been made a sucker, a slave who would bend its back just to have a bite of that stupid carrot.

So one day, it decided to plant its own carrots for its own consumtion. But the farmer, being angry and jealous of the horse's independence and success laughed at the horse's efforts in attempt to humiliate its efforts. He said that his efforts were futile and useless. How could a horse, who had been relying on the food the farmer provided for it suddenly grow carrots?! Impossible.

Eventually, after a few weeks of planting and watering the carrots they grew and was ready for harvesting. However the farmer was displeased and tried to humiliate the horse again, saying that the crops were nothing to be proud about and that his produce was much better because he had better machinery and a bigger plot of land.

However, the horse continued his efforts to grow carrots; sell them and buy new seeds and made profit and eventually his effort paid off and it was able to own its own farm. The farmer continued complaining, nagging, demoralizing and insulting the horse with negativity and lived a very unhappy and unfulfilled life, being judgemental of others while his crops suffered.

The moral of the story; is to have the courage to break free from people who only have negativity to offer and try to make you their slave forever by breaking your spirit, dreams and ambition because it helps them feel better about themselves when they put you down. When you were young and weak, they could still use the 'carrot' to control you, because you had no skills nor ability to farm for yourself. Once you manage to achieve these skills, they become envious and threatened by you and try to bring you down to their level.

To lead a happy and fulfilling life; treat their constant nagging as water flowing out the drain into the recycling system of Indah Water. Never loose sight of your dreams because, yes they are worth fighting for. They are the reason and purpose you were born onto earth and if would be the greatest crime if you go against nature. Your dreams are who you are and what you're here for. You are fighting for 'yourself'.

Before I Crash

Recent nights, I have been led to believe that it was raining outside, until the moment I walk out into the living room and the sound of rain disappears. Ever since the completion of the fountain at my backyard, I have been having wonderful nights of sleep listening to the peaceful and calm sound of water.

I've been working for 2/3rds of a year now.

Sometimes, I tend to I shut myself out just to be able to put up with another day at work. I make believe that I'm doing something worthwhile in fact, it's just a smoke veil to protect myself from unnecessary 'mental' and 'logic' attacks. I'm living in a comfort zone by not rocking the boat, not defying convention and pleasing people who have such stoic and mundane mentality.

I don't like answering difficult questions. I don't like to be made to feel that I am not good enough based on other people's standards. I am human, not a doll. I have my own personality, needs and shortcomings. I don't like to be made to feel that I am only worth my background, wealth, social standing and education. I don't like it when I'm put aside because I couldn't fulfill some social requirement.

But thoughts like these are best kept to yourself. The society is a ferocious one..

Just after midnight...

I would wonder how far I can achieve during digital painting class.

I never managed to try mixed media, which looks so fun.

I wonder what other hidden abilities will TOA unlock in me.

What other like-minded people I will meet.

Speculate whether my work can make it to public display.

Continuously annoy my lecturers and classmates with my strange quirks.

I would still detest Typography class and continue to suck at it and maybe get a mediocre grade just to get it over with.

I still think about graduating. Being proud of myself for being a certified artist. Because it's the achievement of my choice. Probably paste copies of my diploma along the main roads of Ipoh out of happiness.

I can only dream...

Quarter Life Crisis

I speak for everyone of my age. You are not alone.

The first judgment day in our lives is the day our results are released in Uni. It determines whether we're a degree graduate or a failure in our 14-16 years of studying. This applies only for people around my age, as it is a matter of life and death whether we exit gloriously/so-so/scrape through into society.

It's no big deal really. Getting first class will only make you a first class employee highly coveted by big companies but also the first one to get sacked during a recession since you receive the most unreasonable amount of salary. We have school dropouts making a decent living because they challenge their circumstances to find footing in the world. Nowadays, news of 12 year old children jumping off buildings because they got a 8As 1B instead of straight As is common. Thank God, I'm from the slightly earlier generation.

The second judgment day is TODAY. A year or two after being a fresh grad. When you're in your prime when you will be now judged by your capability of moving up the hierarchy of society in various categories. Your uni days will be like child's play as compared to this second coming of who is worthy to be accepted by society.

Category 1: Your Looks

Your exterior is the first layer people judge. People change at 18, for beautiful or ugly. Luck really shines on people who are physically privileged. It's easier to get discounts, favours, credibility, trust and love when you manage to look attractive. Being beautiful can get you far in life in all aspects. Your parents will love you more because of the attention, admiration and respect you receive. Yes, being beautiful is an advantage of godlike prospects. Even if you failed school, you might still be able to con a rich fart into marrying you. And when time catches up with you, you can always choose to boot, with the money of course, to survive your remaining days. At worse, you can still get pervy men to stuff money into your pockets.

But looks will fade with age, so of course we look to more practical aspects...

Category 2: Your Job

By the age of 25, considering you have successfully graduated at 22-24 with whatever result, the minimum requirement is that you should have made one step up the workplace and a few extra hundred/thousand has been added to your monthly payslip. Hopefully, by this time you would be a executive or a full fledged qualified enough to make eyes open wider by 2.3mms when you tell them about "Hi, I'm Doctor MSc. (Hons) ."

It's just an extra few words to make people tongue tied and intimidated at the length of it. Like look, you can call me Emo Moodswing Drama Queen WK. Respect Mah Authoritah!!!

Category 3: Your Salary

Ah, the measuring stick of life. Even if you're cleaning drains and eventually build up a multinational cleaning drain company and make 6 digit profits a year. You'll make it up for not being a professional.

Sadly, the burden of career advancement and higher pay is felt painfully by graduates. Your parents, having invested 20 years in building you up as an asset, expect the fruits of their labour. Yes, you've heard it right. 'THEIR' labour. So imagine that they have spent RM60k on your uni fees, accommodation and upkeep, they would expect say 10-20% interest per annum depending on how reasonable they are. You are an investment.

It's easy for those who have gotten past PMR and SPM since school is subsidised partially by the government. Plus when your parents start to nag about how little your salary is, you can blame them back for being poor and not being able to send you to college in order to get a better qualification. Stress reduced to half. Mathemathically, your debt to them is significantly reduced and a lifelong liability to pay them back is off your ass. Since they never provided you with a banglow and a big, shiny car, you don't owe them the banglow and the big, shiny car. Logic. But of course, if you manage to make it in life with just your SPM and feel generous, God bless those who are filial for they will live long.

Category 4: Your Bling

Since you're a few hundred richer by now, you should be able to at least afford credit cards, high end phones/laptops/Ipod/GPS, designer bags, posh holidays, a car and for the extra rich, your own pod. And if you manage to buy extra sets of these for your father, mother, sister, brother grandparents, aunt or say your neighbour's cat, you have indeed reached greatness. We need medals for achievements, because no one is going to be able to acknowledge that you're at the peak of your life unless they manage to spy into your bank account.

Category 5: The Person You Manage to Catch/Marry

Long since the days of wtfbbq history, who you marry is more important than what career you enter. Why? Because why work, if you could just leech of someone else's status and fortune by marrying that fellow? It's like hitting the million dollar jackpot with a dollar. Other than ensuring a well provided life for yourself and the rest of the family, the list of benefits include networking with the higher ups, instill respect and fear, live like royalty, have the son you never had through your son-in-law and make him provide you everything that you want in the ideal son that you weren't capable of giving birth to because of your ancestors' bad genes.

Finally, your failure of a daughter has done one good deed. She can forgiven for all her transgressions in life by marrying the right person. Definition of 'right' is the person your daughter couldn't be and failed to provide therefore it is her duty to find a husband to make up for her weakness, failing so, maybe it would have been a better idea to invest in a chicken rice stall.

Category 6: Your Kids

Whatever requirement they had of you, the curse will be on your entire generation. It is never enough to be born physically complete; with 2 eyes to see, a nose to smell, a mouth that smiles, and all your limbs intact and your organs functioning.

Third judgement day is when we die. We reflect on what we have done, or have not done, or should have done and start making amends with God. And we get judged all over again.

Blaming The World

It's not even that time of the month yet where you can blame your hormones for acting against you and its the cause of your bad attitude and devastating moodswings.

These are the days when I believe that even when I am careful of not stepping on other people's feet, I am still actively offending people some way or another.

I'm probably old enough to cease complaining about parents. But anyhow... Sometimes, I think that my parents have a superiority complex. When they see you being docile and submissive, they start to stir up waters and get you agitated to that they can kick you back in your place again. It's like they freak out when they don't see the normal red button available for pushing and they start looking for another one.

I've only started working for half a year (and in a position of a minion) and what makes them think that I'm stable in what I'm doing? We don't even talk more than 30 minutes a month since everyone is busy with whatever they're doing. Everything now revolves around my grandmother, my brother and the pets. The only time that my mum talks to me is when she's looking for my brother or Larry or Twinkie, even when I'm lying sick in bed. Sometimes, I don't even realize that I'm someone's daughter.

I definitely know how hard it is to make money. It's hard not because it's unavailable but because of all the sacrifices I need to make just to be able to save some.

I really can't stand the condescending tone of "Use your one month salary."

Maybe it's just me being hypersensitive, but it feels as if the underlying meaning of the whole thing is that, "You're a big shot now since you have a job and a salary, pay your own bills since you're so capable. You probably don't need us anymore." Like they're trying to highlight to me how helpless I would be without them.

It's like rubbing salt into injury. I wonder how many people actually realize that I am swallowing all my pride to work in a field that I known for detesting in order to fight for a more fulfilling life.

And since I have the f*king right on how to use my salary, then I just decided not to pay. The worst is that I have to give up using it. It is just totally out of my means. I don't understand why my parents would want to place such a burden on me, very knowingly that it would cost 1/12 of my yearly pay.

I decided to buy my DSLR and my Ipod. I bought it with my own money, saved up for months. They're broken now and I expect myself to pay for the repairs when I'm capable of doing so. This is my personal investment and my responsibility to take care of them. It never even occurred to me to ask for financial help. I pay for my own Japanese classes because I want to study it without breaking budget.

Does it not occur to them that eventually, one day, I'll get married, buy my own house, have kids and want to be able to support them in food and education? And I've already started late because of their selfish demands of forcing me stay back for Form 6 (the 2 most irrelevant years of my life) and blackmailing and threatening me into studying a f*king subject I hated. I was fed with disgusting promises of a BETTER life after completing my degree, which NEVER came.

I kept my side of the promise. But f*k has changed to the better.

I do not feel any richer, nor comfortable in my life. I have to slog off everyday and fight for the crumbs of extra commission. I live on overnight food. I don't even go out, and I don't even dream of going for holidays. And right now, I have to give up my car.

Despite this, it's probably a good thing. Since they're no longer buying me, it means I have more freedom in doing whatever I want.

Frustrations Of Tomorrow

Money

Everything needs money. Basically food, education, clothes, petrol, miscellaneous maintenance fees, entertainment to keep your sanity from worrying about paying for all these and even the water you use to flush away your poop needs to be billed (unless you're a regular patron of public amenities ie. the drain). We have not included income tax, interest to the bank when you take a loan for your house/car because obviously you don't have much in cash, your once in a lifetime wedding which has to be as great as possible, diapers and milk for your kids (RM50 for a pack), their education, medical bills, whims and the unpredictable.

Money becomes a problem if we expect it to be the solution to everything. It becomes a fear that the lack of it will render us helpless and desperate. Therefore, the cycle of making money lasts till the day we die. Hopefully, by that time we do not realize that we have spent our lives enslaving ourselves to something static for the sake of survival.

Money is like God on earth. You have problems, you seek it, you pray for/to it to help you, it drives you nuts when it's unavailable, more problems arise and you become emotionally dependent on it. This makes me realize that I'm wavering in my belief and religion that God will provide for many things.

When I'm sick or get into an accident, I don't pray for healing. I dig out my wallet to pay a doctor for treatment.

When I need money for whatsoever reason, I enslave my services to my boss just for the security and guarantee of seeing a paycheck come my way every month.

When you're girlfriend/wife is upset, all the consoling in the world is ineffective as compared to the appearance of diamonds or an iphone. Money makes or breaks a relationship. Girls wanna marry rich and have a good life while guys want to feel that they can make providence for their families which boosts their overall self esteem and confidence.

Maybe I got in trouble with the authorities? Just having cash in my pocket works wonders.

Honoring my parents is one of the 10 great commandments of life. To make them happy and proud of me, the greatest gift is to be a outstanding human being reflecting their upbringing of you; and that is inevitably measured by your capabilities in society; your networth and the digits of your paycheck. Because, it determines where you stand in society. The level of respect, the number of opportunities you'll get relies on the 'bullets' packed up your arsenal.

(IMO, I want my kids to grow up being kind, respectful and dignified. But I can't bear to see them starving on the streets or have no education.)

Realistically, money IS the solution to everything. I can't seem to think of anything that operates on its own in this money centered world.

Everyone must have believe that at some point of life, it is (probably) possible to be happy even without a tonne of money.

Yes, it is possible.

Give up the rat race and retire in a monastery/nunnery. Don't marry or have kids. Taking care of only yourself cuts out the burden of taking care of another 2 people at least (husband and 1 child). Do good through charity and charity will give back to you. You're heart is at peace because you're doing something for the less fortunate than you and you just stop coveting luxuries which becomes an obsession that has to be constantly fed. You'll learn to appreciate the little things in life by having less. Since you don't have money, you can sift out who are your real friends (since there's nothing to be envious of or leech off you anyways). People will respect you from the point of your core values, the charity you do becomes the focus of your character and not your paycheck.

Food for thought.

Ramblings For The Month of August

It seems like all I could do everyday of the year is to wait for a better day to come...

2 weeks+ since our chiko guild went on official hiatus again. It feels like more than a month. 4 months to go till December. Among the things I want to do then is to go backpacking across the country, squish into a tiny hotel room, ride elephants and dolphins, shop for bohemian styled clothing, swim in the sea, paraglide, karaoke on loop and eat like there's gonna be a famine coming soon.

Nameless is still dead. It's been more than 3 weeks. This is not normal. No explanation. Nameless is the oldest RO server; I could only speculate that they're doing some super major upgrade for the 3rd job change. I'm waiting for the miraculous resurrection Tsukina, Skye, Beatrixx and the rest.

I can't help but to admit that this week is jammed packed with complaints. So many events that I was so dissatisfied with that I think if I complained anymore, upstairs would strike me with bird poop one day for being ungrateful. I've been complaining about everything under the sky; work, money, studies, my life, my future, money again, my family, my car, my house, my health, my pomelo ass etc. I've definitely got better coverage than my insurance policy.

I think I'm the only one who remembers the month of August is a matter of life and death. My heart is getting dull. I cease to collect strength, motivation, purpose or reason to fight on. I'm scared of gambling my life away because the stakes are strictly 50-50. I might win; I'll be the happiest person alive, I don't mind dying 1000 times. I might also loose; then life would just loose meaning and I'd rather be dead than be given the 1000 chances to live.

I want something. Badly. Badly enough that my existence revolves around it. I watch some people pursue things which other people would think are stupid or foolish or even wrong. But they do it anyway, it's a bit screwed up, but that's what allows them to wake up every morning and thank God they're alive.

I'm dragging my time. I'm putting off making decisions. I surround myself with options only to feed my insecurity of what if I made a wrong choice. Unless someone drops the axe on me, I don't think I will move from where I am.

Recently, I wonder among the conflict of interest between making your own decisions and asking God to guide you in making decisions. Maybe God has his reasons for certain events to take place, sometimes I would like to believe that he let me into this world to grow on my own, but he watches me if I fall.

Most of the time, I'd want to believe that God has heard my prayers and has someone worthwhile waiting for me at the end of the road. Maybe I'm too screwed up to deserve such a person.

I thought our first meeting was one in a thousand. I thought our second meeting again was one in a million. And I thought the mutual feelings for each other after all these time was, strange, unbelievable and special.

Break.

Why do I feel that I can not run away from you even if the world comes in between us? Why do I grow dull at the thought of your absolute absence and shine only in your presence? I can't help it. Even if my mind, body and soul tears apart from you, my heart starts to die. Everyday I tell myself it's for the best, why is it so wrong and unnatural? Why do I keep denying my love for you... It's not as simple as, my pet died, get a new one. It's unnatural, you're probably irreplaceable.

I might just need more time.

The Scary Grin That Started It All

Jo, I finally found a vid that can depict the first impression you made on me.

My Red Bean Romance Turns 1

...and I turn 2X.

Hohohohoho.

Firstly, thank you to family members, chikopeers, bbffs, bffs, college/uni/high school peeps for all the birthday wishes, pressies, cakes, blog posts, texts, surprises, plentiful food and making my day a special one. >3<

I woke up this morning and the first thing I stood in front of the toilet bowl and thought to myself that from today onwards, whatever sh*t in my life (past regrets, sadness, anger etc. of 2008) shall hereby be flushed away with my xxx. *flushes toilet* Today is the moment for me to let go of certain things and start my life anew. What a meaningful personal moment. LOLz.

Korean BBQ & Steamboat

Tomorrow evening, 7 p.m. @ Riche Montana Korean BBQ & Steamboat (Ipoh Garden East).

Duck is invited. I sent you text.

Hatiku Terasa Masin Masam

It's gonna be August. One cycle is nearing it's end, another cycle is going to begin.

Mixed feelings. Must be the hormones acting today.

I was (considered) early to work today. As if I got traumatized by something. Muahaha. Am trying to get back into the habit.

Counting my blessings; my 1st BFF from S'pore is coming back for my bday. *so touched, everything else doesn't matter*, my 3rd BFF moved back to Ipoh this year, the family is together this year, celebrated pre-birthday in July twice with my beloved chikopeers, I get to see anak emas end of the month.

Resolution for the new year cycle:-

1. Even if I can't perform outstandingly in work, at least stay out of trouble and maintain my record relatively clean for the next few months.

2. Lose weight (again). The frequent midnight McValue double cheeseburgers, fries, coke, Tim Tams and Maggi Gorengs have sabotaged my waistline to a great extent. I have been cruel to be kind to myself.

3. Clean the room. Speaks for itself.

4. Sleep in time.

5. Recover my face.

6. Plan for December holildayze.

7. Take more photos and figure out how to upgrade my portfolio.

I Can Sing Like Louis Armstrong

Gomen ne, my chiko peers for losing my voice on K-night. It's like someone inserted a plank into my throat all the way to my lungs, it made me go all irritated in pain. I feel like scolding someone or something but I'm unable to. Argh. We shall go sing like nuts next Wednesday.

Chiko holiday; Malat, Babi, Duck and I are invading Penang this weekend. The theme of our tour is Eating Cendol Expedition to the North, where we will be stopping at every stop on our way to Penang to eat cendol (ie. Sitiawan, Taiping). Planning on getting a healthy tan, good food in my stomach, sand in my toes (and a Hokkien merman in my arms).

I applied for leave on Monday to go to KL for a day trip on a spur of a moment. Hopes to get prettier clothes for the year. (It's prolly time to look more like a hot bimbo than a burnout fugly librarian). Lesleh chooses to come to Ipoh the one weekend when I'm away. *pouts* And to Genting the day I'm in KL.

So hungry now.

So Far Away I Hide So That You Won't Be Able To Find Me

I hope to deviate away your attention, protect myself from your affection and disassociate my life from yours. Forget me as I forget you.

---

Sometimes I do wonder does a new hurt digs up a lot of underlying unresolved problems. My chest hurts but it surprises me when I realize that it is hurting for another person. Devastating. Suffocating.

I miss the days you made the effort to be always beside me. I blamed you for drifting and the reason I walked away was because I wanted to be able to stand by myself and not always have to rely on you to be happy. I didn't want to admit how important you were.

And I repeated the same mistake with someone else.

I hurt today. Partially, it's you.

Chiko Bdays

I'm last minute as usual. Sorreh!! So busy x busy with work. This week was prove all Mega B*s wrong and make them look bad in the process. I didn't even have time to update with my own sister even though we're living in the same house.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating Malat and I's "2+2 divided by 2 = 2" chiko average birthday. over delicious Korean BBQ. Belated for his, be-earlied for mine, somewhere in the middle. Duck is invited, even though I did not manage to ask her personally because we have lost contact in duck space, but you are welcome to party crash.

We will be trying the kinda new Korean BBQ restaurant since I want to have fun grilling pork slices on the grill, eat bibimbap and drink ice jasmine tea.

So Unlike Me

As much as I dislike my dad's horrendous bad habits, I am a duplicate of him.

Throughout my whole life, you could always count on the fact that I was late for kindergarten right up till graduation day. And considering the fact that work is only one song on the radio away, you guessed it.

My dad mentioned during dinner time yesterday, "I used to be late for school everyday even though I stayed next to it." Blame the bad genes that passed on.

6 months working here already...

I was dead on time for work today... As in 8:30 sharp. Everyone in the office who came earlier and later than me looked like they saw a ghost. Even my sister and mum thought speculated either I was traumatized by something or a coconut fell onto my head when I was out in the garden yesterday.

Let's see how long I'll manage to keep up...

Another trait I inherited from my dad that was blooming throughout the years is that I have the constant itch to defy convention. Rules and regulations belong to a parallel universe from mine. I can't stand authority. Fear it the consequences of defying it I do, therefore a passive aggressive personality is formed as a reaction towards it...

Society gives us the basic requirements us to study hard, get a degree, get a high paying job, get married to a good prospect and have kids. I've about kinda screwed the first 3 and am feeling unexcited for the next 2. I feel claustrophobic being pressured into fitting the norm therefore I prefer to avoid it, or do the alternative.

Work calls us to suck up our superiors, be treated like dirt and let everyone trample all over you for any reason under the sun (because its normal) and perform your work without mistake (or at least pretend to).

There's always gonna be f*ktards all around you. But they're the one's that make life exciting, only when you're up to taking up the challenge...

This is the last time I'm pulling such a daring stunt (which was dead close to the expense of my firm). Truth be told, I kinda enjoyed the drama but consider myself lucky that I escaped actually falling into the boiling water.

Pa, it was your genes acting. It wasn't throwing someone's bike into the river though. :P

Office & Politics

Abang Michael may you rest in peace. Your music and dancing will always be in my heart.

'Heal the World' was playing on Mix and it reminded me of how my eldest cousin brother became 'popular' by singing that live in school... followed by encores elsewhere (ie. relative's birthday parties). The distance to my workplace is so near that I am only able to listen this one song (that brought back disturbing memories of cousin bro practicing it when we were at our grandparent's house every weekend) and not realize Michael's songs will be played on loop for the whole day.

It felt so surreal when my collegue told me he died this morning. I remembered back in UK, my classmate, Jane would go starry eyed when fantasing going to MJ's concert. It's sad cuz we'll never to be able to do so.

---

The ending of this week has been b*tch packed. Some women are really difficult. Even myself, at times I'll admit.

It's the kind of women who are blind and justified towards their own vices but unrealistically demand excellence from other people that is so frustrating. They put you down to boost their own ego.

Look, enough about "Working life is like that." Like I don't know already.

In life, when you treat people badly, there is karma. There is an invisible counter for the things you do to people. Good for good, bad for bad. When you make people dislike you, they will be less likely to perform well for you or even care about you. They might do it out of obligation, but everyone will be waiting to laugh during the day of your downfall. In more extreme cases, they will lash back and destroy you.

Your way isn't the only way of life. And when you reap the results of your actions, "Life is like that. You reap what you sow."

My only remorse is that, my boss didn't want to confront me directly about the accusations in fear of hurting my feelings, but by doing so, he neglected to let me recount my side of the story before passing the death sentence on me. By the time the story passes on to various people it would have evolved to version 5-6 of the story. And it's just saddening to be the last to know about something bad about yourself when it has passed through ears of half of the civilization before that.

Look, I'm not a kid anymore. If something needs to be said and mistakes to correct, tell me. I understand a lot of money is being involved and any slight mistake will cost the firm loss in monetary and clientele. I'd expect to be be scolded as stupid and incompetent in the process but as long as business has gone through, I can let go of a past insult with an peaceful heart and learn not to make the same mistakes again.

He seems to have an imagery of me based solely on other people's opinions. I know he is concerned of my well being therefore he keeps an eye on me by questioning my performance. For example, how would my collegues know how many files I was handling and the amount of work I had to do everyday? He could have asked me directly to make a list of my cases and the work I had to do or else check the records from HR.

I know most of the time I don't stand out in doing things, but it doesn't mean I'm receiving a salary for nothing. How I handle my cases are witnessed by my files. I operate documents on the day I receive them and send them out on the same day or the next and the dates are all documented.

This is just a rant. Obviously, it doesn't change the position I'm in. Impressions have been reversed and my ability to work has been tarnished by one mistake covering the fervent retributions I made after that.

I'm not discouraged by work. In fact, after this week, I make it a call for more improvement and a brush up on office politics survival skills and to discontinue being the softie I am. It's a dog eat dog world out there and I believe it is important to be self centered and protect your own @ss against backstabbers.

My Final Week of June

I have yet to fulfill my resolution of coming in time for work. In fact, it is has been getting worst since mum makes it waking up a living nightmare. How? She screams for me to wake up every morning outside my door and outside my window and I will put more effort into sandwiching my head between my pillows to escape the torture of her voice and in effect soundproof my existing 6 alarms in the process... Don't comment.

Finally, got to eat Kampar's delicious spare rib laksa tonight. I am whole again.

'Beautiful Sun'* Misun and 'Malam tak berbintang'* Me (*pet names we created for each other this week) have been trying to make progress on our ongoing career crisis by floating around the job market. I have been trying to improvise my CV for a career in Design for the past 7 hours (obviously it has been frustrating). A diploma/degree in the relevant field is highly emphasized by every potential employer.

"Even if the dog is an authentic pedigree, it will still be considered a mutt because it does not have a certificate to prove its ancestry." (replays in my mind)

It has been playing in my mind to complete at least my diploma. (And when I graduate, I'm going to make photocopies of it and paste it all over town) XD

Off the record, I am thinking of using the strategy of confusing my prospective employer with my crazy portfolio and sneak in through the 'back door' of the art industry while he is still in a daze. Like, wish me luck.

I talked with Yung today and he let me admire his stunning character designs for Digi class. So I was inspired to stalk the TOA today website to see how my fellow classmen were developing and I found...

This was from my major year illustration class. The choice to put up a painting of a pumpkin and fish is a bit awkward. I can still remember the discomfort analysing the detail of that dead fish. Even so it was always my wish to see my work on display on the college's website and gallery. I achieved both in a year so mebbe I shouldn't beat myself so badly over everything that had happened. The artist has gone but the art remains. :')

A few more weeks and I would have completed my second year of art college.

Hottest Happenings In The Month Of June

The one who is meant to have stolen Larry's heart.
Suki, Misun's mocha poodle. Was in her past life a Chinese acrobatic dancer.

(a.k.a. the one we're hoping to impregnate this coming Sunday so that we could produce baby poodles to play with, and to temporarily fulfill mum's yearning for grandchildren)

Mr. Chan, future GM and member of our Chiko (M) Sdn Bhd subgroup.
Our chiko adventures di Ipoh includes glomping at good looking passer-bys, insulting below average looking ones and eating all day long.


Fancy/Posh dinners with family and friends.


A mysterious lump of tri-colour furball appears in our house to choke everyone when they are sleeping!


Is named Q.Q. Cupcake. Has an attitude.
Likes watching Korean MVs and fancies Max Changmin and U-Know Yunho from DBSK.


Also featured, my maple story begins.


Spotlight of June 09'
Raja Malat will be returning to claim his rightful throne and resume his chiko rule in about a week's time!

Busy Back to Work!

Last weekend was totally all about JB. Getting the tickets stressed the bleep outta my mind because all they had was ridiculous timings and sold out times. Travelling wasn't as terrifying as I imagined, but my trip down was close to it. For any girl, it would have been a hell ride, being assigned at the back of the bus with 3 samseng looking guys, the one next to you who keeps staring at you, inviting casual conversations and has an acrobatic sleeping pattern with his hand flying all over the place. Larkin is mega dodgy. Scarier than Puduraya. I kept my taser next to me at all times. And I'm not afraid to use it. >)

My anak emas's birthday.

Being the best friend (not to be mistaken for the one who got a nose job, poor boyfriend and a bad reputation ;P), it would be a sin not to turn up.

I really put the picture you made for me next to my bed. The bird fell off so I had to look for my glue gun to stick it back.

Insomnia

I was so drowsy in the evening (only Sunday evenings), I fell asleep at 6pm and woke up at 2am. Strictly 8 hours. Tried rolling around to fall back asleep, but guess my fuel tank was at max and I felt hungry (since I skipped dinner). Rather than to have disturbing thoughts invading my head, I went online with hopes to distract myself. I'll be just crapping a lil bit on my blog to tired myself out.

Aish. Nowadays, I feel the familiar sickness I felt in when I was still in Inti. Lost, indecisive, forsaken, paranoid, unsure, lost of self esteem and confidence (and maybe contemplatively suicidal when I couldn't get things figured out). Only this time, it's different because I've been through it before and kinda believe that things will work out eventually like it did. I knew that I had 2 years in between those 2 dark periods that I was genuinely happy. I'm working to find it again.

Recently, it's been like a long while that I fluctuated between banging into walls and hiding myself. Being in fear is crippling. In a way, I recognize my instilled paranoia. These days, I walk out of my house wearing an invisible blanket, sometimes I just refuse to go out. I refuse to come out of Ipoh, it's paralysingly frightening. I have yet to understand my current fear, but it is familiar. I need to remember how I overcame it before.

Lately, the only thing that sustains me and my sanity is my chikopeers. It's like a outlet for me to become who I am (obviously defying conventional human behavior), not get judged for not living up to 'standard' (whatever that is) and I'm actually making people happy. Like sometimes, I feel (A WHOLE LOT) that I have to do certain things in order to feel worthy of approval and acceptance. Like acting proper, adapting common views, fulfilling social obligations... It honestly bores me to death, but yes, maybe I was abandoned here accidentally by my spaceship.

Emo quote: I feel like I don't belong!!

I mean, I honestly want to be liked/loved. It just feels utterly meaningless if I had to fake my way to get it. Eg. getting a Law Degree so that everyone would feel proud of me, acting really girly/feminine/proper so that guys would dig me, acting that I'm happy with myself and my life because they think I shouldn't be unhappy with all the things I have.

Mebbe it's reality catching up. Studies are totally over, I'm getting overexposed to the real world. I have NEW obligations to live up to other than just scoring As. Apparently, they are a whole hell harder than just scoring As. Stuff that include; getting a decent job, making loads of money, buying a house, getting married, having kids, and life begins once again...

I'm just tired, leave me alone. I want to live in peace. Better still, living a free, bohemian chiko lifestyle till I die.

---

Good luck Malat and Ling for upcoming exams.

Raja Malat

In Malaysian timing...

Come back real soon. (T3T) We continue our chiko-chiko adventures and celebrate our chiko birthdays.

Revived

During my time of weakness, I long for the days that someone would call out of concern to see whether I'm still alive, shout at me when discovering I haven't eaten the whole day, offer (more like force) food delivery service to my house and watch me eat till the last drop of food.

---

I failed the first day of punching my card despite my best intentions the night before.

Oh, I feel as if I my bones turned into lead. Couldn't get out of bed. It's like my whole body were asleep. Thank God for the potent coffee at work. I came home during noon to sleep, skipped lunch because there was nothing to eat, back at work, home, continued sleeping, skipped dinner because I really couldn't move, finally woke up because Ryan called, online, wanton mee, ham bun...

Lesleh and classmates came over Ipoh yesterday for research to create a corporate identity for Ipoh. The following happened; dimsum, exploring Old Town, railway station, missionary schools, 100 yen shop, Greentown, the temple caves, pomelo and Ipoh leng lui sighting, playing with my dogs, chilling at my house, nyonya dinner, yum cha at Kinta river front.

I felt belonging because everyone had a DSLR. I'm so hyped about getting my 50mm.

Got the chance to 'kau chim' at the temple for fun. You know, shaking a bunch of sticks in a can like we always watch in TVB costume dramas. Was so noob, like asking how much do I need to pay, where's the can, do I need to kneel down to shake the can, who can explain the 'chim'? Lols. I only got it half deciphered because the rest of it was too complicated. My 'chim' was - It's raining now, but the sun will be out once the rain ends. Money is yet to come. Regarding love, do not force the issue, all will come naturally.

Aih, will just listen to advise with an open heart from now onwards. My heart is burdened and tired as it is. My brain has no more power to argue. Right now, I just want to live without conflict and put certain things behind me, because it's easier. The road towards an 'easy' life is hard too. So many compromises and adaptions to make, beliefs to be altered, you need to constantly be mentally and emotionally convinced of what you're doing. If this is what's best, why is my heart and soul so unsettled and not at peace?

Been spending the past half a year reading self improvement books on every aspect of life, only to realize there is no specific answer. You can be 'wrong' in doing the 'right' thing and be 'right' in doing the 'wrong' thing. It all depends on your core values what perspective to see things.

I did some soul searching and realize that if without any restriction or objection from anybody, I just want to live my life peacefully and happily using my gifts for the well-being of everyone around me. I'm sick of the rat race and the constant need to live up to expectations. It never ends. First, I'm promise it'll stop after getting my Law Degree, but look at now, I'm expected to take up the Bar, chamber, work in a Law firm, practice, go to court and to open my own law firm...

As of today, I'm just a humble conveyancing clerk, not intending to practice, learning my way to handling REIT investments and bank/business financing in order to earn my own life in my own way. I ultimately want to have business running on the side and spend most of my time being a homemaker and freelance artist. I honestly just want to live in peace, without everyone making a big deal about living up to my family standards. Maybe I won't be as filthy rich, but I'm determined to give my kids no less the life and education than what I received myself.

Weekends Are Meant To Be Lazed Away

I am hopeful for a Lesleh sighting this weekend. Her appearance is so totally random and unpredictable, I have to walk up and down the house to kill the time of waiting for her phone call.

My sis and I were online till 5 in the morning. Huahahahaha. I got my first job change after 3 weeks. I juggle my time between work, playing Maple, berchiko-ing with my chiko peeps, watching Korean variety shows and concerts on Youtube every non-working/sleeping hour of my days. I'm unconvinced that the clubbing scene in Ipoh is even existent. I have passed by bars, which are patroned by middle aged chikopeks... The thought of it excites me to sleep. I can't even drink, unless comeone remembers to bring 2 wheelbarrows along; one to carry me home and the other to transport my puke.

We lack proper dessert houses where we can sit for hours chatting. I have A second ago I told my sister that when we were in KL, we could go out anytime for ice cream, parfaits, waffles, pancakes, tong sui and whatever sugary/carbohydrate charged snacks that would boost up our happy hormones. Our fridge was always stocked with pistachio ice cream and cornflakes...

Change Is Challenging!

Ah... Been having the most challenging week of working of the year. Made some mistakes in January (which at that time I was a total ignorant noob at work) which are causing me mega chaos this month. I'm reaping the stuff I sow. I claim that I'm old enough not to be discouraged by the odds against me in life. After all, mistakes are all part of the learning process to become a more competent person. My boss has been unpleased with me recently, but considering the fact that he placed me in between 2 very experienced people and personally asked them to guide me says a lot. I don't wish to disappoint him again.

Oh yes, the layout and them has changed. The reason being my blog being bright and hot pink previously has the potential to attract a lot of attention when I'm on it in the office. Seemingly, people are not as dumb as you assume. They have eyes which wander. And unfortunately, I do not own Neji's Byakugan (can see what's going on 358° and spot hidden enemies). So at least now it's white with plenty of wording it (looks more like a word document) doesn't seem as too obvious and attract attention being glaringly hot pink.

I have a reason to believe that my current CPU is installed with an anti-web messenger software. It rejects everything from Live Messenger to Web Messenger and not even the browser for MSN/e-buddy works. It won't even run the installation download. Catastrophical. There goes my social life...

Si Lesleh is coming to Ipoh this Saturday. You make sure you call meh, woman.

The Surprise Gift For The Firm

Today, the boss gave everyone in the firm a big surprise gift. I believe he had this in mind for a long while, but was stalled due to the financial and practicality complications of it. Eventually, I think he was fully convinced that the staff performance needed to be boosted and it would be a beneficial investment to be made.

The gift was subject to much attention and excitement for the entire day. Staff members were encoraged to put it into constant use and not to be shy to utilize it because it was specially purchased for us. From today onwards, I am certain that everyone would be more enthusiastic to put more effort into coming to work every morning being highly inspired by the boss's well-meaning and generosity.

.
.
.

My boss had a punch card machine installed.

Been A While Since I Did A Tag

Did this because it met my chiko standards and made me laugh.

1. Besides your lips, where is the favorite spot to get kissed? -Forehead. Cuz I feel loved when it doesn't seem sexual.

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning? -Like I wanted to hack someone to death.

3. Who was the last person/people you took a photo with? - My dogs! Seriously.


4. Would you consider yourself spoiled? -More than an average person, yes. But not to the point I became a brat.

5. Will you ever donate blood? -I would. Unfortunately, I need blood to be donated to.

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? -YESH. I had a few, Ryan-kun is the only one remaining till today.

7. Do you want someone to be dead? -I don't care about my enemies.

8.What does your last text message say? -Haha happy birthday yan choon. Love kacheh.

9.What are u thinking right now? -Buying over a business, how to get rich, my own crib, how to finance it.

10. Do you want someone to be with you now? -Jo lor. Malat lor. Siwon lor.

11. What was the time you went to bed last night? -5 am. Accident.

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now? -I stole it from my sister.

13. Is someone on your mind right now? -Only Siwon (pun intended; that's the url to his website).

14. Who was the last person who texted you? -Abi

TEN Lucky People to do this quiz.
1. Babi (Double Tag)
2. Duck
3. Jo
4. GSY
5. Lesleh
6. Whummy
7. Nama kau Ben
8. Ryan kun-if you're bored enough
9. Choi Siwon XD
10. Random TOA classmate

15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with? -Babi and some other kelefers. Me, on occasion.

16. Is no. 3 a male or a female? -Woman; her boobies are the real thang.

17. If no.7 and no.1 get together, would it be a good? -Kenot. I will never approve. How can my son date my sister? Ciz.

18. What is no.1 studying about? -Accounts yang paling dibenci.

19. When was the last time you chatted with them?
1. Babi (Double Tag) - Just Now
2. Duck - Yesterday
3. Jo - Tried to today but caught each other at wrong moments
4. GSY - Few days ago
5. Lesleh - FB today
6. Whummy - Ages
7. Nama kau Ben - Somewhere this year
8. Ryan kun - Just now
9. Choi Siwon - Never. Hopefully, someday.
10. Random TOA classmate - 1/2 year!!!

20. Is no. 4 single? -GSY, ru single? Using my blog to promote you. Haha.

21. Say something about no.2. -Hungrylah, Duck. ZZZ.

22. What do you think about no. 2 and no. 6 being together? -Super fun lor since both are chiko-able people.

23. Describe no.9. -The love of my life.

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight? -Ben will confirm die lor.

25. Do you like no.8? -Yala, he's my BFF, man.

Don't Rely On Other People For Your Life Decisions

I'm really giving up. It's tiring and confusing if you allow too many voices to get up your brain. You care, you get involved, feelings are invested, time wasted in the end because ultimately in the end, people are indeed the master of their own fate.

If you're determined to let people see you as a victim, YOU ARE A VICTIM. You can give excuses till the day you die and still be the victim and nothing would have changed. If you want to to continue the sweet dream of people reassuring your role as the victim, how everyone else are villains and how unfortunate you've been mistreated and restricted by everything in the world, go ahead and live in that sweet insanity. You deny. I back off. If people who say realistic things to you are enemies, better just ignore them and continue living you life as you wish.

I don't have a damn right to change you but I care enough. I'm not perfect, but I made enough mistakes to know what works and what doesn't.

Just something to ponder about-

Why do you think I'm studying investments and business on the side? Why am I so tight with my money that I am willing to eat microwaved food (even though cancer is my biggest fear) everyday to stinge on a few dollars a day? Why am I learning real estate and surveying the property market in Malaysia and learning all I can from a conveyancing firm that I swore that office life sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours everyday would be the end of me?

Why am I doing all the things I believed I hated?

Very simply because of the dream of the successful restaurant decorated with my art and moving out of this hellhole once and for all. Not just any dream, but a joint dream.

"Nobody asked you to do it in the first place."

True. Nobody asked.

I don't deserve this kind of gratefulness and appreciation. In fact, I didn't expect any. It is unfair, unreasonable, mean and immature to say such words.

I can tell you very honestly, I love my siblings. But if they grew up to be losers, I will have nothing to do with them. Because when I try to help them I would think, "Nobody asked."

Their sister can only look after them so much and she has her own life to live, even if it means opening her art gallery solo.

Maybe you don't mean the things you said and maybe I misunderstood certain things. I was more wtfbbq than hurt. 'Hurt' is an overused word in this house. I don't have that much of a 'care' capacity to take every word as an offense. I don't give a shit about drama and petty mind games either. It's overrated, wastes my time and I wanna wake up going to work happy.

I also want to take this opportunity to say while you insist for people to listen attentively to you and sympathize, you do the same for me by changing subjects, ignoring me or snapping at me 95% of the time. Yes you talk crap, you don't mean it, joking, not thinking straight, whatever. At least, choose a better time when we're mutually in a chiko-ing mood.

About being sensitive. I care as much about the issue as if it were my own problem. We are standing on the same side facing the problem. The problem is the enemy and I am attacking the problem. But you jump in to 'protect' the problem and take the damage and assume I was attacking you.

About being defensive. I am defending us both, but you yourself ran to the enemy side and got hit on its behalf again.

Do you now see what went wrong from a heart to heart talk to some wtfbbq fight?

I won't justify myself for hurting you. I never intended it in a mean way to demoralize you or make you feel stupid, useless and unheard. It was a failure on my part.

I respect enough that your life is your own responsibility and your timing is yours.

My Phone Is Biased

Lunch break. Am listening through earphones. It plays all other songs alright but only plays SuJu songs properly when I tilt my head 45 degrees to the right. I'm going to suffer from neck pain this evening... I prophesy accurately what plays on Mix FM everyday now.

My updated wishlist for my birthday: New Sony Ericsson earphones. ;D

Recently, I've been drunk between SuJu and Mapling. The SuJu addiction is worst because the following has happened:-

1. Watching MVs obsessively and forgetting reload my phone before 12 am resulting the number getting barred and balance forfeited.

2. In many events forgetting the existense of my phone and missing appointment with friends.

3. Borrowing a DVD from my granpa which has 20++ Andy Lau movies in it just because Siwon has a cameo in one of the movies; 'The Battle of Wits'.

4. Today, I nearly typed in the name Choi Siwon into my loan document. I can imagine my LA who checks my documents ask me prior to sending it to the bank, "Who is Choi Siwon? Is he a named party to the agreement?" *refers frantically to official bank documents*

Choi Siwon

If only we had clients as hot as Siwon walking into our firm everyday.

*I'm choking on laughter while typing this*

There were 2 instances where I accidentally typed in names of people I knew personally into my loan documents. One of them had her name same as my LA, but different surname. My LA was like wtfbbq.

End of lunch hour.

Heaty Weekend

Firstly, OMG!!!!! My ex-HOP is on FB. Will definitely not add him because he would have unlimited access to my gambar paling kurang siuman... Definitely detrimental.

I slept 14 hours; Saturday night (10pm)~Sunday noon (12pm). It's like a weeks worth of sleep, been sleeping at 1-2 every night (reason: hardcore gaming beginning after dinner). Playing games somehow makes a person more easily irritated; I've been cussing and screaming a lot this entire week at minor annoyances and interruptions. Tonight, I moved my laptop into my bedroom.

The ultimate con of staying with your parents is restricted freedom. There's a curfew to everything; outings, Internet, shopping, visiting friends etc. Parents have the need to pass a comment on everything you do; how u walk, talk, sleep, eat, spend, drive etc. Nothing you do is right in their eyes. They just have the OCD to win every occasion.

Me, being the awful passive aggressive I am, will grasp any available opportunity to piss them off, make snarky remarks on their bad behavior and when possible try to convince relatives to my side. I suppose that's how we maintain leverage. When you're living in Ipoh plus there's a severe lack of entertainment, all there's left to do is to create drama yourself.

Visited Po today (haven't seen her for ages). Gong is good to talk to, and we kinda thought that we should be spending more time around in Ipoh since our grandparents are really old (even though Gong can walk faster than a teenager) even though sometimes our parents piss the crap out of us everyday.

OMG it's 4 and it's off to work tomorrow. I don't mind working, but then... I'd love my work to start at 10am instead. Anytime before 9:30am is like exposing a vampire into the sun. Good night.